tonight she threw away those photos of you that i took
on that film camera i bought in orlando
she tossed me my pile of developed photos
i knew the photos of you were missing
and she insisted that she didn't take them away
but i insisted that she did
and she did
and she cracked and told me that she did
in a weak attempt to censor my memories
after censoring every other aspect of my life
she censored my friendship and love and now
she tries to take away my memories of you
but they still linger despite her attempts
and yes, of course i still think of you
i think of those photographs i took
and the time we sat and stared at the ceiling
and the time you held me while i felt close to death
it was nice
i could never forget any of it
but i wish i could at least have those pictures
i want as much of you as i can get now
even if it means that those photos are all i could ever know of you again
because i don't see you anymore the way i used to
i think of you and i smile
wondering if you think of me anymore
and if you do
then do you think of me with a smile
do you still have the photos you took of me
i just wish i could have the one i took of you
you were smiling
you were happy
you were fine
and i was happy and fine, too
i just wish i could have a reminder
of the way it felt
the moment i pressed down on that button
and saw a bright light before my eyes for an instant

this morning there was fog over my eyes
and every time i looked to the left or to the right
the clouds would be pushed to the sides of my eyes for a bit
and there was a light pulse behind my temples but my head did not hurt
it was more of a confusion that was lingering
and oh god i just lost my train of thought
there is a teacher here and i should be listening
but i always tend to write during this class
my handwriting won't be able to be read by anyone else
i hope that i can read this later on
my teacher is trying to read this over my shoulder while she talks
and i should probably feel bad about it but i don't
there are a lot of things that i should do
this is my first step towards invincibility
without feelings i don't need, i can do anything
and this is a fairly average writing style but
i am trying not to care, i don't really care
there was something i was going to write
but i keep forgetting what i was going to say
there is the fragance of cologne masking the stench of substance
and it is greatly distracting me
from the distractions that i have set in place for myself
i don't need the help i thought i did

hello
i am here
i don't know why i am here
but i am here
maybe it's the moon
it's probably the moon
i love the moon
it keeps me company when there's no one
thanks, moon
you're a good friend
listen to those harmonies
do you hear them
i hope you can hear them
they are beautiful
almost as beautiful as you are
you have your own harmonies
our voices sound nice together
our voices harmonize
let's go see the trees and the stars
let's take a trip to the moon and look at earth
it's funny how we live there
the earth
it's a small place
we are small
i love you though
you may be insignificant in the grand scheme of things
i am as well
but i love you
and somehow you are significant to me
because you care
that is nice
it is nice that you care
i love you

anima mea dominum
i don't know what that means
i've sung it in a few songs before, though
i've sung so many words i don't know the meaning of
just because i was told to
"sing these words this way"
ok
but what am i singing
"just sing them with emotion"
but which emotions
i don't know what i should sound like
am i happy
well, no
but should i act like it
or are these words meant to be mournful
i can play the Mournful Singer
if you want, that is
******, you
just sing
the ****
words
ok

do i have to title my poems
are these even poems
are they really
i don't think so
maybe
but it doesn't matter
i am writing
do these words mean anything
probably not
don't try to find meaning in this
there isn't any to be found
so, do i have to title these words
maybe
i wonder what they think
they probably don't like my words
maybe they would if i
gave them a title
but i don't
so
i am untitled

oh my god who is that
i think it's myself but
only because i'm looking into a mirror
but it doesn't look like myself
my nose looks strange
so do my eyes
and my mouth
and my ears
everything
it can't be me
my face is melting
but then it comes back
it must be me
these movements are not my own
but whose are they
and
i'm scared
and the room is too small and i am suffocating
am i dying is this what dying is
because i don't like it very much
are they really my parents
am i awake am i dead
my hands are melting
i am melting
my body is gone
where the hell am i
i want to go home

sometimes i feel like
sometimes
sometimes i feel like i'm in a dream
but only sometimes
and it's foggy
it's hard to tell
maybe i'm awake and it's more clear than my usual dreams
but then
what if i'm dreaming
what if i'm not real
what if
what
is going on
and my brain goes in a million different directions
my handwriting is messy
so is my head, i guess
that's all
i guess
i don't know
my hands are just making words
this room is filled with a cloud
hey guys
my name is ally and i think
i may be dreaming
how about you
how are you