Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room?
Been surrounded by friends and lovers,
but yet an emptiness still sits in your chest?
Have you ever laughed, or smiled,
but felt the tears well up when you close your eyes?
Have you ever felt isolated,
while the whole room is held together?
Forgotten about and taken away
to a place where your heart knows some companionship?
Flicking out the ashes of your cigarette,
knowing each breath might be your last?
Have you ever listened to the sympathy,
but retained none of it?
Your mind remains blank and distorted.
The pain of past problems and demands
rises to the surface bringing new sorrows.
So you sit, writing out a new poem or story,
trying to figure out what's going wrong.
Where you went wrong.
Everything is always wrong.

Most of the time
I feel my old spirit
still rattling around
deep inside
but as a ghost
haunting my ruin

We fell so quick
This summer came and went
and so did you
It started out like a movie
but ended like it always does
Beach nights, phone calls, laughing till the early morning
Good morning babe
How’s work babe?
Goodnight babe
We had it all but you gave it up so quick
It makes me second guess it all but I wouldn’t give it back for the world
It was the best summer of my short life
I loved
You showed me that love exists and we all deserve it
A love that made young people jealous
A love that made old people smile
You broke down my walls
Showed me how to feel again

As summer faded and autumn set in something happened inside of you
Your dark passenger crept up
It took you, it burned you, it engulfed you
Your light dimmed by the darkness of what made you
I couldn’t be there all the time and you knew it all along
I was going away to school and we would make it work
And it did work until the darkness consumed you
You let the darkness consume you
Now I choke at the thought of you

I just want you to know that how you gave it up so easy shows me your true colors
A strong woman in my mind but you are nothing more than a faltering girl
The words you said to me playing on a broken record.
We are the right people but it’s the wrong time
Well let me tell you
Time stops for no man
Nothing will change in time
Its what you do during the time
Time apart from me
I hope you know what you’re missing now
How could I ever love you again?
I can’t ever love you again
Because I still love you

When winter comes
I’ll be home again
We’ll see each other
The future is an unwritten chapter that leaves me hopeful
But how can I do this to myself?
Until then
You’ll be licking your wounds without me by your side
Consumed by the darkness
alone in an empty room
I hope you’re left with the bitter taste of regret
wishing you had done things different

when i move out to the city
to be inspired by the gold that awaits and glitters
and i live in an apartment by that little coffee shop i went to one day
and i have my diploma from college, sitting by all my candles
my studio, smelling like white chai and lavender scented incense
and i have a published book full of poetry
i'll finally be happy
complete

but i always sit back and ask myself
after the beautiful daydream
what if i don't live in the city
what if i don't get accepted to college
what if i don't become published
what if no one buys my book
what if i don't graduate
what if i major in business instead of english literature
what if i get scared and move back home
what if i stop writing
what if don't get a job
what if i have no more time to write
what if...what..if

i do make it in the city
i do graduate from my dream college, adorned in purple and gold
i do have a studio, filled to the brim with tea and watercolor paintings
i do live by some hidden little coffee shop, i don't even remember the name of
did it even have a name?

the thing is i have years before college
years before going after my dreams
so i won't know what will happen
but no one knows except
me
and i will someday
someday in the city
with a book in my hands with the title...
what if?

i tell myself someday i'll start living
not just breathing and moving
and using fake ****** expressions
i don't wanna make waves as a freshmen
'cause i know one you throw the stone
you don't control the ripple
and the waves can reach many shores
so i'm afraid to become attached
and afraid to say how i feel
i'm not comfortable with myself
hell, i'm barely comfortable with people
if it weren't for my three really good friends
Camille, Elizabeth, and Lexi
would i still smile
no
would i start living
no

living, to me, is doing what you love
every **** day
and loving people
and being happy
all the time
and listening to music that makes you dance
going outside
being able to sit with people and not wanting to leave, or feeling like your being judged
not judging yourself
loving yourself
making beautiful art, but no one gets it except you
and when someone does understand it, you fight for them, because you know it's meant to be
and if they slip through you  hands, you move on
no regrets
no broken promises
you go after each dream
every **** one

and one day, you'll die
but you won't say "i wish i did this..."
you'll smile and say
"i'm glad i did this..."

i think it's the saddest thing in the world that some people aren't living
in a sense, they are already dead
they are just atoms moving through the air
until the air stops coming
and the atoms cease to move
they die
never knowing
life

Is it so difficult to understand why I love you

what is far more mysterious is why you love me.