It was in the messages
That we sent back and forth.
It was in your immediat
Adoption in to our family.
It was in the fact that
11 years later, we both
Still remember each other's phone numbers by heart.
And somehow they're still the same.
It was in how you judged me
Yet always hovered around me
As to protect me.
You've always been a true sister to me.
It was in how we differed in our preferences.
She's always loved girl's
And I drive a stick.
It was in how you always went
For everything dangerous and illegal
And I rested assured with
Minor mischief and situation humor.
My beloved cell mate for life.
Always in the same boat
And never out of sight
Never out of heart
Never out of mind.
Always in the deepest connection
To everything that defines me
And makes me seperate of you.
Yet we have always been One.

The poor children
That's what we were called
Surrounded by drunks and drug addicts
Single mothers and their hordes of children
The future cleaning ladies and harbour workers
We sometimes watched the orphans
Wondering what would become of them

In our own world
We were richest of them all
While the mothers worked
Through sweat, tears and stress
There was always someone
To show a little kindness
"Those kids can come with us, we're neighbours"
This meant pizza for dinner

The summers were for exploring
Golden fields hiding rabbits and phaesants
Truthfully covering a dump yard of course
Trees were naturally for climbing
Move through the forest without touching the ground
A tailbone got injured here and there
No time to see a doctor, it will heal on it's own!
Play hide and seek
Race each other on bikes
I always cheated
Where that stream really lead to, we never found out

But by that very stream we built
From planks and nails
Isolated with candlewax
A little cottage
Every day after school
No one knew where all the nails and candles had gone to
And how the community wood supply seemed to vanish
"Only the good planks" because we had standarts
Who would've noticed the little ones when the grass grew so high
It was our little secret

Naturally the road workers took it down
"Unsafe structure" someone said
A whole summer lay in ruins before us
The toolboxes were quietly returned to their rightful owners
Bored as we were, we gave it another shot
This time supported by a tree
We'd hoist ourselves up with a robe

That was taken down too
We felt sorry for the tree!
But winter's close
That meant snow castles
Never wondering what might happen
If the structure collapsed on us
The tunnels lead to nowhere and everywhere

The mothers were working
Who would stop us
But when our mum was home
All kids were invited for dinner
Us and 12 others
Future cleaning ladies and harbour workers
Blissfully unaware
What lengths the mothers went to, to feed us
I've never been poor in my life.

Message received
I mean so totally received
Not sure where it all went wrong
But maybe it wasn't right
To begin with
You've made yourself clear
I'll stop wondering around now
And focus on the things
That really matter
I totally get it now
Can't wait for my new job
Won't need to watch my step any longer
I'm kind of happy about it
Moving out soon
And I really got it all figured out
Everything except my inexplicable
Interest in you
Time heals and I'm done
New challenge, new life, new city.

"I'm sorry sweety
But you have a problem
You can't read
This is third grade
You don't even know what you read
You can't even spell

Please pick a hand
You can't write with both
This is your problem
This is the cause
Of your learning disability"

So I picked a hand
And wrote with left
Unaware of the fact
That I shared all other tasks
Between the two

So I asked for a book
For christmas and my birthday
Please give me fairy tales
And I read an hour a day
Two out loud
on the weekends

I read all about
Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty
I read Pippi Longstocking
Cover to cover

Change of enviornment did the trick
Second year in a new country
And my lowest grade was 8,5
I read all afternoon
And wrote my heart out
I corrected past tendencies
Mistakes other kids got away with

So here's the silver lining:

You may not be the best at everything
But take the challenge anyway
I still struggle with this everyday
Each craft is a channel
For your genious

Never use the word "impossible"
You are setting limits
Where there should be none
For surely, the only thing that matters
If how much you enjoy it.

There must be something within you
Whispering the same teachings
As the voices within my heart
There must be many blessings
Slipping through your fingers
Playing in the palm of your hand
To finally rest within your vessel
There must be a reason
For why I long for you so deeply
There must be one day
When it will all make sense
Heaven has never let me down yet
And as I take the steps up
The stairway to heaven
I cannot help
But to imagine
That you will be there
Reaching out for me

Yet I cannot be sure
There's no proof
Of the whispers that reach my ears
There's only rumors
And the scent of your sheets
That I should not have
Layed my hands upon
But I changed them anyway
Who will speak against me
When there's no proof
Only whispers that reach their ears
I only have valid reasons
To back me up
And a pleasurably guilty consciousness

I could swear I put them in my bag
The cigarettes, filthy habit.
No can do and she's getting on my last nerve.
The sister, who's singing on street...
God I wish she stopped doing that.

Well **** it, I'm not encouraging this.
I turned to leave, night shop it is.
As I walked down the road
A boy walked to my direction
He was well build
Traditionally handsome
He was kicking his football as he went.

I watched his feet work
He nudged the ball my direction
It rolled right on to my feet.
I quickly stepped over it
And he smiled at my surprise.
Actually it was more like a smirk.
Almost like he was challenging me.

kick it back

I laughed and kept walking
How come that I don't respond
When a guy does the exact thing
I would've done.
Play around as a means to court another.
It was an excellent flirt
But I guess I'm not equipped that way anymore...

Taxi-light.

There was a soft kiss
Playing on my lips
It was as real as
A streaming river dam
It was as real as
Soft pink cotton clouds.
It was nothing if not loving.

There was no way out
Of your loving embrace
Except the way that hurt you the most.
I loved you too much to let you in.
You cried and asked if it was true
I smirked and said "tell no one".

But you knew each wound
On my wretched body
And the meaning of each moan
That escaped me lips
When you put your hands on me.
You knew all my sorrows
And understood me
Like no one else.

Complex PTSD has no mercy
Not even for you my love.
I forgot and you knew.
I blew a kiss and forgot you were alive.
I told you I had a boyfriend
Even though my body still had your scent on it.
And you understood like no one else.

You grunted "stop smoking"
And I snorted at you.
You swore loyalty to a brain
That vowed to forget you.
You were the only thing
I held on to while I accepted
The torment directed on my body and soul.

And I still can't recall your name
But I remember your softness
And diligence.
The effort you put in to me.
Like you were the only one
Who could save me.
And save me you did.
Like no one else could.

There's a surge of anger
Rising from my gut
Grunting to my brain
"Name Him"
And golden heart shaped locked
Drespassing in my mind
Like the kind that seperated lovers
Gift each other with.
But Complex PTSD has no mercy.
Not even for you my love.

The boy who took
Nothing from no one
How did we get here
I felt it coming
And charged head first
Why would I gamble
It's all here
All things I needed

All the things
I ever wanted to hear
Fluently leave your lips
You were never unreasonable
And
I get it all now, I read you now
We were so young
Who can blame us

I have your arms around me
And your hands where
They should be
Your lips on mine
And we're so drunk
You do all the things
I needed you to do

And yet I feel nothing
all I can think of
is unbleached cotton
*on acrylic adhesive

the severing of ties
that's what it was called
but they never faded
never vanished
and never made way
for anything else.

there was the pen
to be followed
as you moved it
before my eyes
and the words to remember
of a language
I would never come to perfect.

there were tests and games
I tracked you down
and sat by the tree.
drew hearts around your shoe tracks.
there were issues and wagers.
and nothing ever changed.
my heart always smiled at you.

and you asked yourself
who was the love of my life?
it has always been you.
and him
and her
and them.
now who is the love of your life?

I swallowed the sings of you
the traces, the links, the connection.
and humored you
by calling it accomodation
instead of stealing.
and you laughed
so I guess I'm off the hook.

The crowd goes wild
The boys give it their all
Everyone knows the lyrics
You stand back stage
And evaluate the show
"Where do we go next"
Always one step ahead.
You've toured all over the world.
The girls flash their *****
They're eating from
The palm of your hand.
She walks up to me
Do I know him?
She asks, eyes wide open.

"Yeah dude, that's Kurt. He ate dirt last weekend"

Unfortunately I'm coming to understand
How much we suffocated each other
Don't worry, I'm not resentful.
But you know me,
I pay my part
And leave things to that
And when the pain is durable
I put the past to bed very fast

But now I see my hands
Tied as they have been
Paint pictures,
Like they're coming off a conveyor.
I know you never understood
Why I stopped drawing
The thing is that
I didn't love myself enough
To think my art was good enough
And you might like to know
I can almost feel the camera
In my hands

And now I feel my voice chords
As I hear my voice echo
Harmoniously through this space
I took what is mine
And let it out again
Do you remember how you said
"I'm just waiting for you to sing"
Well I'm singing now
With joy in my heart

And you...
Well I know this was not what you wanted
But look at you
You've made this home
In to a new version of you
You've started taking care
Of yourself again
This is what loving yourself
Does to you.

I know deep down
You're staring to feel
Life flowing through
Your vains again.
Go live.
I'm not resentful. :)

Highschool, what am I going to do
"Start high as high as you can"
Latin and sciences
It was great, I passed everything
Math and sciences
My motivation is missing
Nothing adds up
Behaviorsm and languages
But I can't pass French
Nailed it just barely
"What is happening to you"
Nothing adds up

There's a glimmer in the distance
They all say don't go there
Tears in my teacher's eyes
Please don't leave
You can still make it
Don't throw this away
But the canvas is calling me
The soft brushes and crayons
The colors and pictures
The creativity is there

I built my skills up
And I take the extra lessons
On landscape drawing
I stop showing up
Nothing makes sense
I fell asleep in class
My body gave up
"What is happening to you"
Nothing just leave me alone
Second semester, great record of attendance
But my motivation is out of reach

Lost the year, what now
Technical studies, that's me
And I found my tribe
The grasp in my neck
That I needed
Someone who sees through me
That was you and I can't thank you enough
Just for being who you are
The class is full of freaks
Just like me
This is where art school payed off

You took my hand
Asked me no questions on my past
And pushed me through
Like there was no question
That I would make it
Graduating year
Somebody wrote it on a piece of paper
"You can do anything, if you want to"

It's gym class
Laughter fills the space
Test Artistic Gymnastics today
The long ocean blue mat
Streched across the floor
Either you got it or you don't

Elisabeth, the clumsiest
Sweetest girl I know
Bright and kind
Easy to influence
A little shy...
Mischief is my middle name

She runs towards the middle
I wait and analyse
Her slender body arches forward
A moment before her hands
Touch the ocean blue mat
Preparing to place her weight on them...

"WATER!!!"
Distracted she loses balance
Now laying flat on the ground
She screams at me
I laugh and run off
Persued by a D-

There seems to be something to it:
Rookiepoetry
We never grow out of it
So write your hearts out
Each piece is a step forward
In your evolution
And each a step backward
Toward alignment
With how you truly feel

There are no excuses
No need for defence
Or a back up plan
Let the words soar
Through the W-LAN network
Those who judge
Have not lived your life
Those who understand
May have lived enough

Poetry is a game on paper
Any form of writing is
A piece of art flowing
From your fingertips
It is no different than
A painting or a sculpture
No different than
A well trained athlete

*Humanity's artwork
Is scattered all over everything
Might aswell enjoy it

Please take your heart
And tear it all out
I'm done with this
I've had enough, I'm done.
Enough is enough
And I've reached my limits.
Imma get my party on
In my skin tight dress
And pray to God
You catch an STD.

Just for ***** and giggles
Stop punishing yourself
For a moment and push your ego aside.
I'm over it.
And all over...
*Well him, he's cute

Someone once said
Mother Earth is as much
A part of us
As we are of Her
If we aknowledge that
Each ***** that sustains
Our intelligently designed existance
Each muscle that
Promotes our dynamic lives
Each cell that celebrates
Its small yet profound task
Within us,
Comes forth from the ground
We walk upon
We will see that the person
On the other side of the Earth
Is as much a part of us
As we are of Mother Earth

It's kind of like
Steering a ship
To shallow waters
And crossing your fingers
Hoping you won't run a reef

Now I don't judge
I just don't get the concept
You pick up a honey
Ride 'em out
Spend the next morning
Trying to get out of it

"Give me your number"
Knowing you'll probably never call
But here's the thing
You don't love them...
You don't care to know
How they like it
And neither do they

So what's the point

But it's probably
An effective way
To lose socks.

By what standarts
Do you measure yourself?
Achievements
How many you've loved
How many loved you back
How many you've conquered
Or how many
You've rejected
How many you have
Indeed held hanging by a thread
All your conquests
And how popular you are
Your large entourage

All of that may be great
But in the end of the day
I will not be impressed at all.
Your enviornment
Does not interest me.
I want to know
But one thing:
How sincerely you've loved yourself
In the end of the day
I will only ask one thing of you:

*show me your heart

We all know those songs
That we really hate
And yet it's those songs
That play over and over again
In our heads, we have no say in it

Now Lisa in particular
Has a problem with this
Some days it drives her up the wall
Especially those repeterive songs
... Like the 7 Nation Army

Quietly I sing it all morning
Should suffice by 12 o'clock
Lunchbreak.
I let it go and stop singing
Shouldn't be long now

"Tummm tum tum tum tumm tumm"
Lisa starts slowly
I let her go on untill she loses her patience
She just can't get it out of her head
I laugh and she knows why

"I hate you"

I sit in your tiny appartment
It carries your soft scent
The flowers on your skin
And rising from the depths
Of your multicolored curly hair
I can hear the call for prayer in the distance
The noise on the street swelles up
I hear pans and pots hitting the pavement
The people chant "şerefine Tayyip", cheers Tayyip
Defying Ergodan with all their might
The teargass stings my eyes and nose
As I toss down a lightbulb
And as it hits the ground
the riotcops hesiate
Then walk on
Scanning the windows for the guilty one
Briefly my eyes fall upon one of them
Who smiles at me with joy in his eyes.

"Find contentment within yourself"
I could.
I could go about my day
Mind my own business
But it doesn't seem to work
There's a deep sorrow
Within my heart
Like I just missed my exit
By a few seconds
I walk on scowling
Wondering how it came
To be that way.
I guess I just need to know
Whether you feel it too.

We're done
At least I am
Don't come back
I've had it with you
We're over
I'm in charge from
This point on
You want something
You ask me first

Said the mind to the heart

I've climbed up the rain pipe
To reach the window.
I've knocked on the glass
In the dead of the night
I've whispered apologies
In to the silence
Under the stern eye
Of my sleep deprived mother.
I've crawled through
The hole in the ground
That leads to the basement
And forced open doors
With a wire cutter...
It seems there is no cure
To losing keys and locking yourself out.

But maybe it's just life's way
Of telling us
We're locking ourselves out.
This is not who you are...
You don't force your way
In to things and apologise for your mistake.
You take that which is yours
Because someone once said
"Ownership is for those who claim it".  
You wouldn't apologise
For walking in to your own home
Because someone said
That it doesn't belong to you.

If I love it and it loves me back
Then by default
It has to be mine
Regardless of the consequences.

There's a sorrow in your voice
As you struggle to say it again:
there are no girls like you
I patiently explain to you
That you are simply
Not open to receive them

Still don't want to be your girlfriend
Not now, in the future or ever again
I'm sorry for the time you wasted
But you keep coming to me
And I'm not the kind of girl
To leave you alone
When you are breaking down

Just wish you'd stop asking me to be yours
I won't give in to you
There is no point in fooling around
And let's be fair
This was officially the worst ***
Either of us have ever had
It was so bad, it needs a title
The Horrible *** of 2016

But as I'm being fair
I do not enjoy it as much
As I would've otherwise
Because it's not you
I want to sleep with

There's a scent in the air
It's not really here
It's in my head
And as I laugh at your jokes
I see the source of the scent
Casually passing me by
In the distance

I did nothing
The scent would never reach me
And I have peace with that.
Peace with my own problems
And a heart that strongly believes
That if you always run in
To the same problem,
Then the problem is you.

So then I can assume
That I am not your problem,
You are your problem.
And the scent guy is not my problem,
I am my problem.

Sleep Angel sleep
Let the tears dry
I've held your heart
Since you cursed us apart
Know that I forgive you
Let the pain cease
Slumber in my arms
I've taken your ache
And loved it away
A kiss caressing
Each crack
And hands
That have your back

Serious question:
How come the effort
That goes in to
Activities of the physical nature
Seem to depend
On a certain size?

This is my expirience

When it's small
-and I didn't judge-
He was willing
To go through
Any number of
Peculiarities
To meet my needs
And it was great!

When it was middle sized
They all thought they were
On the large scale
But no gents, those are rare
And many girls
Get reduced to a single hole
Everything stops
It's all about the action
Down below
What about all our other
Attributes?

But then...
When it was really, really, really...
You know...
Really really really...
Extensive...
And he was sweet and soft
And attended to my
Limitations and needs
I was willing to go through
Any number of
Peculiarities
To make it happen anyway.
And it was great too.

Frowning at middlesection...
Get yourselves together boys.

No I am not upset
That you went behind my back
It makes sense to be scared now
I'm not upset
And I do not have all the answers
I do not have all the knowledge
So then how could I be angry
That you look for answers for yourself
I understand whole heartedly
And I agree.
Don't change your approach
It's taking you to the right place
To my heart.

It's your to-do list
That bothers me the most
And excellent way to controll someone
It's kind of like that man
Who only utters the words
"I love you"
To reward "good behavior"

That is the same way you
Perform your
"Duties, responsabilities and expectations"
The way you have lived your life
With me
Is increasingly similar
To the way you lived with your mother

"I'll just do all of this to shut her up"
Meanwhile you continue
To ignore me
To disengage
And to allow the tears to flow
What I wouldn't have done
For your attention
three years ago
But that time has passed...

I no longer wait for you
To pay attention
To love me
To touch me
In fact
The idea of you doing
Any of the above
Irks me

Please please please
Just take your things and go
You can have it all
You can even have the cats
You can keep everything
We got together
When we built this home
You can have it all

In exchange for my freedom

How is it that I ever let you have it anyway?
My youth's mistake I suppose
Should've broken free in time
Now I'm stuck in a rut
Catching my breath
For a fresh breeze
Please just leave

No tears to shed
They're all wasted
Just a smile on my face
As the truth slowly spreads
Through your worn eyes
There's nothing here anymore

*Please just leave

You wouldn't know
What's behind the smile
That plays upon my lips
The laughter and echoes in this space
You would never guess what is happening in my head
As I diligently distance myself
From what happened
I've been this way since I was a child
The trick is the following
"If it doesn't show,
It didn't happen"
And it has taken over
Each defeat
Each embarassment
And each heartbreak
If it doesn't show
It didn't really happen
And I guess I'm sorry
For all the times
It "didn't happen"
I could've been braver
And put it all on display
But I do not care
To make you feel bad about it
If it naggs on you
You will come to terms with it
In your own time.
If it doesn't...
Well then I suppose
It doesn't make a difference
Whether you laughed at my downfall
You will never understand
Untill it happens to you.
You would never know
As I'm almost always friendly
It's a self-preservation technique
I hope you will never learn
But honey
It's not that hard to fix
Just stick with it
Eventually I will crawl out of my shell
I have too much pride you see :)

"So how did it go"

"Oh fine. Just have to go down and explain a few things"

"Yeah... I heard. That was a little awkward."

"Well yeah but all in all it went pretty well"

"Okay. Explain."

"Well he understood that I just couldn't help myself"

"You mean that you just helped yourself to it"

"Or that. Either way, he said it was fine... you know after he recovered from the panic attack"

"You're telling me, he wasn't upset that you left lipstick on his white shirt"

"Yeah...or...the part where I ran in to him in the hallway and sniffed his neck in the first place..."

"Yeah it wasn't seeing that that upset me either, it was when you wouldn't let go and he just kept saying that was married"

"Everyone could use a compliment"

"Let me get this straight. If a girl does it to a guy it's a compliment and not ****** assault"

"Well us women we just get away with more"

"I hope you get away when his wife shows up with a rolling pin"

"Well if she's going to show up then I hope that he only told her about the part where I sniffed his neck"

"Was there another part to that?"

"...well... I may have tracked down his car and glued a few post-its on it"

"Few?"

"Hmh... I didn't count them."

"And what had you written on the post-its"

"Just hearts..."

"You're going to have to sound more convincing"

"And some ***** phrases"

"Don't go in to specifics... Anything else to declare"

"My undying love..."

"Really? On a post-it?"

"Well to be fair, I did just sniff his neck..."

"You kept it pretty tame then"

"Well he didn't let me anyway. Plus his wife kept calling"

"You're insane"

"I have a good heart"

"Yeah, there are drawings of it glued all over his car..."

Let there be light
Within my heart
Let me learn to love
Myself and others all the same
Let those who broke my heart
Have a good life
Filled with soft lessons
And kind guidance
Just like it's there for me
Let me learn to be that
Soft voice, that kind guidance
When I really need to
Let the boys have a good season
And free me from
The grudges and the love
That fills my heart.
I have not deserved this burden
But I'll carry it with grace nevertheless.
Just show me that path
That makes it count for something.
Show me how to find balance again.

It's how you look at it...

I'm not a cleaning lady...
I'm Cinderella!

I'm not ugly
You're just not seeing my genious

I'm not crazy
My reality is just freaking awesome

I'm not fat
I'm soft

I didn't fail a well started carreer making poor choices
I learned deeper humility and service

In the deepest slumber
In the sweetest dream
I felt your warm presence
Your heartbeat on my back
Your arms around me
Your fingerprints all over me
Red tracks on your skin
From last night

In the deepest slumber
In the sweetest dream
I felt your warm presence
Your heartbeat on my back
Your arms around me
Your fingerprints all over me
Red tracks on your skin
From last night

Last night I spoke to your soul
So different from your mind
Yet exactly the same
You should know
It has been lost
But never seperate from you

My heart burst open
As you approached my Crown
Fear me not, our karma is undone
I know you don't remember
That we had our rough times
But we had great lives too

You might find me in the woods
But I am always with you
And you are always in my heart
And although I might chuckle
When you slide down the hill
You should know:
I only laugh at the ones I love

I needn't travel to see your heart
It's always been connected to mine
And although you may not
Speak highly of yourself
My soul, mind and heart
Speak highly of you

A quick exit
That's what they promised me
But I never took that road.
One exit turned in to another
The numbers rolled up to hundreds.
So I took none.
Let it be a testimonial
To how much I love you
And how much you mean to me.

Someone once said
That trauma memory is like a high way
For the trucks that pick up and deliver memories
To the consciousness.
And trauma memory is right behind
That road blockage from the town of horrors.
And an alternative route has not been provided
So the answer to your question is
I don't remember
Nobody is going in or out.

But today I do remember.
I know it all.
If not in words or just a knowing,
Then in images or a sensation.
The blockage to my mathematical thinking
Was blown to pieces only reveal
That not only can I do math
But that I've always been talented.
My grades never showed it
But my reasoning always has.

Let it be known that to me
You are the Pytagoras Theorem
And that one angle I loved dearly
But never calculated
Until you gave me the motivation to.
It was in that one stroke
Of the softest hand on my cheek
That inspired forgiveness
That inspired trust.
And knowing how badly we were targeted.

Now I know how much I put you through
But let it be a testimonial
Of how much pain, our love could inspire
And how much pain our love could endure.
Let it be known that I'm free
Of the projection of your image on to others.
Let it be known, that I'll always be that girl with a pencil behind her left ear...
Because I was left handed... most of the time.

Unerasable...
The curves on body
And why is it
That your hands
Look so soft
Why do I even care?

girl... Out of your league
"Alright, I'm backing out"

Unmistakable...
The colors that glimmer
In your eyes
As the sun touches them
The crooked calm smile
don't do this to yourself

No guilt
I know I'm spot on
Let truth emerge on it's own time
For surely
It always comes out
Make no mistakes
there's nothing at stake
"It's all in my head"

No doubt should have
That head checked out
I hear whispers in the wind
And ghosts talking
A prayer and a loving mantra
The frequency
Of all Saints in heaven
The Divine, the Tao, The Source
The soft whisper of the darkness

Surely so many prophesies
Have manifested vastly
Words left my lips
Of truths I could not have known
And peace invaded my heart
As a soft voice guided me
Through the deepest meditation
Lessons on life emerged
From thin air
Putting chaos in to focus
But not this...

It just tells me to keep going
It will all make sense in time
You're not crazy
But I know better than most
That the deepest lies
Can be so rationally structured
How would I know the difference

PTSD screaming in my head

I hear the voice
The unmistakable voice
Pounding through this space
In my head I smiled
And said "Hi"
But in reality I froze
No words left my lips
Nearly walked in to you

PTSD pounding in my head

But I see nicer things in my sleep
The drowsy breathing
Of the most beautiful man
I've ever set my eyes on

frown
go away

Still no guilt, nope
I know I'm right
Just take your things
And go make life happen
But my soul still goes against me
There must be a good reason
But maybe it's really all in my head

How does one proof
Thoughts, dreams and whispers
When time stands still.
And to you my disengaged partner
Where were you doing overhours?
You know what?
I don't care, just be straight with me.
There's nothing left here anyway.

But Imma be a good girl
Even if it takes forever
No shame of cheating
On my good record of loyalty
Just wonder why
You're still here
too many attachments

Meanwhile...
There's a scent in the air
Just around the corner
On the hallway
if only you were as available
as my thoughts want you to be
I have no secrets
and everything to lose
just ask
*I'll hate it but I'll tell the truth

As I sat there
Doing the same **** thing
All those who are in recovery do...
Watching tv, you know
When I'm not sleeping.
I stroked my arm
As I often do
Maybe just to check
That my skin in still warm
Or to have the sensation
Of feeling myself
I felt something I haven't felt in years.

I felt the round healthy curves
Of the bones on my shoulders.
And I felt my recovery
For what seemed to be
The very first time.
The mindsets were there
I'm looking forward.
I'm planning for the future
And although I occasionally feel weak,
I've come to have peace with that.

Recovery happens in small steps
So I just whisper it to myself
Through the cold sweat,
"Endure it... Baby steps..."
I soothe myself
Today I know what happened
Even though I don't know everything
I've come to know myself.
And I'm happy with who I am.

Who do you want to be when you grow up*

What a strange question...
who would I want to be
But just simply who I am?
What should I want to be
But simply just me?
Just one problem...
I can’t remember me?
Every dream of becoming better
And the process of getting there,
Led me to one thing?
Just me.
It turned out that Just Me
Is burned out.
And all the things that I dreamed of
The simple things
Like being able to get lost in a book
Or cooking three meals a day
And getting some excersise,
Were just there to be done
But how could I,
When all these things
Remind me of me?
If I did all that, I’d own up to myself
And I’d remember me
And everything I’m made of.
But somehow I became it anyway...
There are herbs growing by the window
And my sleep needs less of me,
The excuses to get fit
Have been silenced
And there’s a long list
Of fun things to do
All by myself
There’s a long lost voice saying
“Go for Sunday coffee with a friend”
The will to smoke has left me
And the things I always wanted to do
And always stalled infinitely
Are so close, I can feel them.
There’s still work to be done
But the view you get
Half way up the mountain
Is priceless and I’m grateful.

It's strange the things I remember
I could never really put it down
But it seems to make more sense
Now that I'm required to remember
Things I begged to forget

I wanted to remember the bad
And forget all about the good
Hoping I could put it passed me
And as my brain is an obedient servant
I forgot all the good and kept the bad

It's hard to see you any other way now

I can't remember my first schoolday
Just a few last ones
But I can remember my first word
It was "thank you"
Although I meant to say "please"

I can't remember the names
Of my classmates from primary school
But I remember that day we got lost
I was 3 years old
And how scared I was

Just like that I can't remember
How you made me feel
But I remember what you said
I can't remember what you meant
But I can see the letters appearing before me

Silently he watched the wind, blow
The smoke against the lifeless figures, laughing
At the release of life, praying
As the dust changed the landscape, time
Scattered the bones, but
The soul screamed indignity, venging
As time buried him deeper, the
Devil watched, dispatching angels, portents of death
Screamed the land awake, turning
The dark blood red, tearing
At flesh screaming into the night.
The pain was as deep as the loss
The loss eternal
The people ran
They ran for their lives
Roofs on fire
From a distance,
Looking much like
Large camp fires
Slowly merging in to each other
The people screamed
Had it not been for the vanity
Of the deranged king
The restless village
Would be but that:
Restless
As the deranged king
Reigned with an iron fist


Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney Production

If it wasn't for my fair looks
Would I ever have known
The pleasures of
Being harassed on street
And not just by strangers

If it wasn't for my ***
Would I ever have known
The infinite degradation
Of the female body
And all that comes with it

If I wasn't able to push
An infant through the birthcanal
How would I ever have known
How weak the fairer *** is
Was it not Freud himself
Who said that women were
Built to sit

Yes Freud that's what wide hips are for.

If it wasn't for all the silenced voices
Of the women before me
How would I have known
To simply accept being
Labeled "weird"
For having an opinion
And something to say

If it wasn't for the constant threat
Of being rendered speechless
Powerless
How would I have known
Not to make eye contact
While speaking to people

If it wasn't for my gender...
I mean your gender
And all it's glorious wars
Massacres and genocides
How would I have known my place

nobody does it like you

Is it strange
To have all the women
You could ever dream of?
I know where you're at
You have no lack
Of playfull girls

But maybe it's just
That I was there
When you had nothing
Just a poor student.
And would be
If that were still true
With no care for your social status
Or account balance.

Before you spend your life
Going from hotel to hotel
Festival to concert
From Barcelona to Brazil
Before love became scary
And women became
Something to be cautious of.

Before we could google you
And find one flattering
Article after another
Of how you're the man
The young promising talent
A manager and agent
On the rise
With no prior expirience.

But the truth is
That we sat there together
Scared shitless
Fearing for poor attendance
And bad reviews.
That we excused you
To continue the tour.
Leave the rest to us.

I'll still be here if you crash and burn to put you back together and sort you out

I went to the wake
For dear passed Olaf
cheers buddy
I lost the filter on my mouth
Within 30 minutes
And it was like
I was myself again
I've never been proper
No need to pretend here

I finally spoke with her
The girl with whom I share an ex
And we avoided the subject
It was like a silent agreement
She was so much nicer
Than I thought!
She roared from laughter
As I swiftly rejected
The poor candidate...
Women are cruel

I walked to South Antwerp
Only to recognize
In-And-Out-Of-Jail-Joessef
I did not see your face
I just knew
But you know, we don't have to
Be friends or anything...
Carry on.

I drunk dialed my sister
Who then drove me
To party in a bumfuck town
And it was kind of fun
stop looking, it isn't going to happen
no matter how much you went to my highschool

But the beer was cheap
And the company was good
I'm starting to like this
Single girl deal
come and go as I please
Life's good.

You called me out
On never getting in touch
I'm sorry, I'm just busy.
But I came to see you anyway
It all started at a park
Surrounded by like-minded people
A metal fest

You sat with me on a bench
For hours just speaking
A headache from laughing too much.
You've always been funny.
You took me along
To meet "the band"
The boys who's business you manage.

I followed you the their place
An apartment of young artists
There were paintings on the wall
Products of the most exquisite
Young minds and skilled hands.
They speak of it
Like it's nothing...

There are guitar solos
Of the most wonderous talent
Playing in the distance
As I scratch your back gently
And feel you caressing my body.
I know you felt
My ultimate satisfaction.

But it's never been
Just physical between us.
It's always been about
The connection of our minds.
Thank you for the bresh breeze
You always blow in to my life.
Rock'n'Roll lives within you
In abundance.

The tie is in
There are several ferries
Standing still here
I think of grandpa
And how much
He would've loved this

I think of all
The sunny after noons
I sat here with Esther
Before she got cancer
At the age of 17
Survived it, she did
But she never laughed
Like she used to

The platform is up
As tie comes in
The water covers
The words spelled out
Across the stream
At low tie, it would say
"Love"

Here we sat
And cried our
Youthfull tears away
Boys are still mean
But we're better equipped
And they're smarter too
Somewhat kinder
And we're milder

A smile of understanding
Appears as I watch
Flandria1 struggling
As the boy tries
to dock it here
It's not that easy
To move a vessel

A black bag floats by
And I wonder
What will it learn
Where is it's destination
And silently hope
That the city will scoop
It all out...

The soft whisper said
turn on the tv
find the local sports channel
And like commanded by
A higher force
I did
And there you were
They would call this
a happy coinicindence
But I do not believe in coincidence
Mostly because the sports channel
Is a foreign concept to me.
I know it was not an easy day for you
But I smiled at the sight of you.
Hope you're ok :)

The flowers are in bloom
In this majestic tree
That must have stood here
For decades
It still produces
After all these years

The dandelions gather strength
From the sun and the summer rain
The grass is greener on this side
The bushes that are to bear fruit
Pull their energy from the soil
Tirelessly filling our lungs
With clean air

The sunset is beyond compare
Painting the sky
In all variations of orange and pink
The silence of the approaching dawn
Is only suggested
By the grace of the setting sun

On the bench in this garden
Sat Death casually
Smoking a ***
With a distracted frown on his face
Waving away the passing butterfly
Coughing from the depth
Of his lungs
And spitting out the slimes.

I kept calm
I kept my cool
The tesion rose
I threw the door at you
You screamed
bang
Said another door

He yelled
Blamed us
Lost his point
I looked at you
We smirked
There was never a fight
what a ****

It was never about us
we don't have a problem.
I know you're leaving
But I'm coming with you.
We've paived the way
For each other
For three years

With each conflict
We hold on tighter
To each other
Through trust and loyalty.
Let them say what they say
Today I laughed
With joy in my heart
As we said
*see you tomorrow

In my minds eye
I always see you
Holding a girl
In your arms
In a relaxed manner.
I look at it
Not to torture myself
But to accept
That it must be true.
Yet as I look at it
The girl always turns
In to me.