Count down time
For the house warming at my sister's...
My brother flew over to surprise her
And then flew over our cousin
To surprise all of us

We inhaled the helium from
The decorative balloons
I did mine and got stuck
In what my family calls
"Lily's giggling-loop"

I tried my first cigar with ***
Then told my relatives
They were lame.
I challenged my brother
To **** as loud as I burp
He surrendered on the spot

We heard the testimonial
From an old school friend:
You girls always look angry...
Unless you're with family...
Then you're all ***** and giggles

I held my brother close
And told him
He was full of ****
Then hugged our cousin
And gave him an eskimo kiss

I drank two glasses of water
Like they told me to
And I swear to God
If I have a hang over tomorrow
So do they...

If I told you that I loved you
Would you feel like you had to say it back?
And why would you say it?
Is it the stinging hint of guilt you'd feel,
When you realise, you never thought about me that way?

I'm just a person you know.
Or would you nodd with a smile
And preserve those words
For the moments
When you suddenly feel
That you in fact love me back,
And speak the three word sentence then?

Probably not.
You'd smile and fluently
Return those three words.
I would mean what I say
And you'd return hollow words
To ease my discomfort
Of the truth
That it hadn't even occurred to you.

You might shrud your sholders
And think to yourself
That perhaps, I'm only saying that,
To confirm, that I deserve love.
And you might be right
But then why do you
Feed my need for confirmation?

I guess in the end of the day
All we need to do
To preserve ourselves
Is exactly that; preserve ourselves.
Life is not a 5 step plan
And you may not find
The love of your life right away.

But then meanwhile
You can be the love of your own life.
And then when someone special shows up
You'll have all those things
You wanted for yourself and got
To share and to discover.

"Would you love me, if I was anything less, than what I am?"

I wondered while I quietly
Admitted to myself
That I do in fact love you.
I love how we fight
I love how me make love.
I love your hands on me
And your casual caress.

I may have not been
In touch with that fact
For a long time
And for all these years
But it would seems
That indeed there's no place like home.

And it would seem indeed
That home was always with you.
I saw the pain in your eyes
And I knew you were talking about me
When you said:

"You don't know what it's like, when the girl you love, doesn't want you but continues to exist and you just wish you could see her"*

No I don't.
I walk out on people in a second
So they wouldn't walk out on me.
Kind of how you walked out on me
And made me wait
Just sit on my hands and wait.
Always knowing
You took that for granted
Fully aware and bitter in the idea
That you could never fix that.
But maybe you're fixing it now.
6 years later.

In the silence of the night
Blissful unravelling of the mind
I run down a sand road
The kind they have everywhere
In this forest covered land
Chasing the girl in the white dress
Her hair dancing on her back
She turns to glance at me
I reach out and grab her shoulder
She turns to face me
My reflection smiles at me
Then laughs my laugh
Smiles my smile
With my mischievious smirk on her face
She chuckles
"Tag you're it!"

The pub is packed tonight
with many familiar faces,
cookies for breakfast
The sugarrush is taking me places.


I'm jumping up and down
diet ruined and I'm not sorry
after the pub we all meet up
for afters at the quarry.

Ladies and men, loads of drink,
getting it on, you know the score,
voices now still and grumpy
They won't speak to me anymore.

A hobbit hops along a road
Stops takes a **** on a snail,
I won't say what we got up to
but one day I'll tell the tale.

Meanwhile  I'm off to Lily's for a coffee
and a bite to eat.
An amanita grew by the rock
pretty and proud and neat.

No one liked it, it got sad
it started talking to itself,
we gave it lots of tequila then
put it upon the shelf

I heard a Saint whisper in my ear today
She said you felt me return to Earth
How blessed am I to connect to you so deeply
Know that I will always forgive you
How blessed am I to be talking to you
Not again but still
#
I sat in a circle chanting to create
Love Peace and Harmony
I opened my heart and allowed it to expand to infinity
How blessed am I to be chanting with you
Not again but still
#
I walked in to your classroom
You took my hand and said "welcome"
You looked so familiar
My soul whispered
"Mommy I came back"
How blessed am I to be your student
Not again but still
#
I heard your voice and your deep frequency
And saw your soul standing in heaven
A flashback from the safety of the stars
How I had missed you
My beloved Master, Teacher, Guide and Father
Not again but still
#
How I long to be in the safety of your embrace again
My beloved passed life husband
They said it was good karma
How badly we've messed things up so far
I forgive you, please forgive me
Not still but again
#
How I wished I could ease your suffering
Make you hear the voice of reason
I've expirienced your mind
The compassion I have for you!
My beloved sister
Not again but still
#
It took you a while to reach out to me
Perhaps I am too afraid to lose you
But you are still celebrating and supporting
Me, your baby sister
Although we aren't related
Always here for you, holding your hand
Following you around
Not again but still

Alice come here*
I called my sister's cat
She did not look at me.
She sniffed the air
She took her time
And eventually proceeded
To sniff my shoes.

I ran my fingers through her furr.
Such a strange sensation
Almost like the first time
I ever pet a feline.
I appreciated her soft furr
And smiled at the memory
Oh how wonderous
It feels to a child

This cat, an animal
Came to me, not because I called her
Not because I commanded her
As though she was mine
To order around.
She has no master
She chooses her way.

May that be the way I live my life.
Not because I want to
But because I have to.
For who chooses my path
If not me?
Who is left to pick up
The broken pieces
Of the choices I made
If not me?

If I am responsible and on my own in it
When I make a mistake,
Then may I be alone in all my decisions
That I make
As I proceed in this world.

The flowers were in bloom
The sun painted the sky pink
Contrasted by blue clouds
She picked the flowers
One by one
Her eyes taking in their sleepy glow

Before her appears a golden orb
Approached her heart
And took it for it's own forever
There was no resistance
Because that was it's home all along
He was always there

SEND ME BACK!
She roared to a woman
In a blue dress
Sitting behind a desk
"Please. Haven't you been trough enough"
There was peace here
It wasn't warm or cold
In fact there was no temperature
The stars formed belts in the distance
The gas clouds wrapped themselves
Around this stream of a universe in motion.
There was air here
The weight and the pain was long gone
"You should come home. Let's abort the mission. Just come home"
I'm not staying here, you're sending me back right now!
"Please...there's no place for you on earth"
I'LL BE ****** IF MY MOTHER FINDS ME DEAD, ***** AND NAKED IN MY BED! SEND ME BACK NOW

The heart rate picked up
Automatically the diaphragm responded
Lungs opened up
There's air flow
A stinging pain in the temple
sleep it off*
Said the soul to the brain
As she loaded her guns.

It's almost like you're here
I can almost feel your fingers
Tangled with mine
The heat that radiates from your body
The echo of your heartbeat
The sound of your voice
That sends a steady vibration through me
As it rises from somewhere within you
But I guess what I like the most
Is how calm you come across
You stand so steadily in your shoes
It brings out all my insecurities
Not that this is what you want
But I finally understand what it's like
To be the recipient of such a strong energy
That radiates from your heart
It's almost like you're here.

If wish you hadn't done that
Torn the blankets off me
And called me a *****
Mum, I was only 20
It wasn't anything I did
I never compromised my honor
Mum I really didn't

I wish you hadn't purposely
Let me oversleep
In hopes I would lose my job
Mum, I really couldn't figure out life
Was it that your man was helping me?
Was it that I was given the attention
A father should've given a daughter
Sure he's not my dad
But he likes to think he is

I really wish you hadn't done that
Let me go through
All the lies and accusations
While your ex incriminated me
Of things I have never done
I really wish
You hadn't waited for my tears to flow
At loss for any other escape

I really wish you hadn't
Put my friends above me
I really wish I could like Christmas
But the way I remember it
This was the occasion
To ridicule me for
Everything I was
And everything I would never be

And sure it wasn't just you
But surely you have come to understand
That this is how children compete
For attention
By teaming up against one

Mum I really wish
My school degree
Wasn't a way for you to evelate
Yourself above your sister in law
Her sons are doing so well
And you have two accomplished daughters
And one me
Who incidentally does
Whatever comes up first

I am so unpredictable,
I don't know what I'm going to do next.
I really wish I hadn't understood
And diligently ignored
The possibility
That maybe you're too broken
To really see that in fact
You are competing with your own children
For things that we never wanted
Nor cared for:
Your alfa female status.

"My name is Paul and I lie alot"
Well Pauly, I gotta hand it to you
Even though after all this time
I still don't know
When you're telling the truth,
Still love your poems
Even the ugly ones
Still enjoy your sense of humor
And still wonder how you are
More often than I thought I would.

You always say the right things
Always seem to calm me down
Always consider you a friend
Even when you nag me.
Always smile at the thought of you
Even though you're a **** sometimes.
Not to me though...
To the characters in your poems.
Always hope you're doing well

*and that you're happy

you should not have done that*

Story of my life
You call me reckless
For having defied that very person
Who comes from a high place
With powerfull friends,
For having defied that one person
Who robbs you and all of us
Off our basic human rights.
How long did it take you
Before you took one for the team
That's all I've done
And I get "reckless" thrown at my face?
It's all fine when someone takes a stand for you
But you're too scared to take a stand for another?
All I ever asked, was for you to respect that fact
That I made justice be served
While you just sat there and took it.
Who's reckless in long term?
You who never stand up for yourself
And get deeper in to depression
As time goes by
Or me who never takes anything from anyone.
While I do admit that there are better ways
To give certain messages,
I wholeheartedly disagree
With you bashing me behind my back
For having protected your rights.
Who's the ******* here?

Could do a couple things to you
I admire your physique
Age has never hindered me
You could be my father
But I fail to make that connection.

I forgot your cool
Your natural authoroty
The fact that your presence
Has a calming effect on me.
You just allow
My verbal waterfalls.

I know it can't be
And I have peace with that
And as much as I appreciate
You checking me out
It really isn't making
My job easier.

You look past my voice
And the steady low rythme
At which I tend to speak
That always makes people uncomfortable.
And as my voice softened
So did the look in your eyes.

On the streets of Antwerp
There are visible areas
There are borders dividing
Different ethnicities,
Cultures and languages
There are areas
By income and colleges

There are also invisible areas
Corners taken in by the homeless
There's Antwerp's most famous
Louis, alcoholic and ex-military
Best known for saving two children
And writing a book
He said he never liked to live within 4 walls
Making about €150 a day
Sitting on Astrid Square
Going on 30 years now

There's the Scottish poet
Who spits rhymes
Like they came off a conveyor
He cited one for me once
I regretted it instantly
But at least I know now
What rhymes with *****
He hangs around the Central Station
And enjoys summer nights

There's Chippy the one with the dreads
Hangs around the Cathedral
And keeps an eye on the youth
In good terms with the police he is
No fights or broken bottles
Where he roams
Surrounded by the usual Gang
Of surprisingly well kept
Ladies and Gents
With their trolleys and carts

There's the very skinny one
Who once kept company
To a friend of mine
And exchaned his bike
For a loaf of bread
She smiled and told him
To keep the bike and the bread
He felt it was his job
To protect her
And guide her back home

Then there's "Santa"
Not much known about him
His spot is by Frituur N* 1
Best fries in the city
He wears a kilt and a red jacket
White beard and hair
A shiny bald spot in the center of his head
He speaks German loudly
To everyone and anyone
Bright red nose and square glasses

Now as I stroll about the streets
I know where to expect to see them
But to my surprise one day
Santa was gone
Had they taken him away?
Did the City of Antwerp
Reclaim their streets?
Did he die in the winter cold?
I put my pink glasses on and figured
Maybe he went to get beer.

And then one day years later
I spotted him... Yes it was him!
He wore neat blue jeans
And a purple well kept sweater
Glasses with a modern green frame
Hair and beard cut and brushed
He walked with a quick pase
Seemingly on his way back
To Frituur N* 1
Roaring in German louder than ever!
With a sting in my heart I watched him go back to his corner.

A whisper reaches my ears
please just relax
We are going to serve you

A blue Light
Within the depths of my heart
You've been here since I was 5
Holding me together
From tearing apart
From losing my mind
You are the frequency in my voice
That people have come to fear
The commander that
Bends armies to it's will
How many times have I heard
"It's your voice"

Alright sure, I scare you again
How, I won't understand for the life of me
I'm just calm
Just me
Just scary to you...

Age 25, standing before the mirror
What does it look like to see me
Introspection
Suddenly and for the first time
I see it for myself
Never noticed before
Even while perfectly calm...

My teacher's voice echoes through my mind

"You walk in like a thunderstorm!"

But now I see it
I scared myself
There's nothing to be done
It comes from inside
The blue Light
The Source Light
The warrior with the color of my eyes

you need to come to terms with yourself young lady
you look like a girl but that's not what people see
they see a solidier, nearly two meters tall
let it go, reincarnation is a teacher
You can be a girl and a master at the same time.
you make men have to be stronger
so they won't try to bend you to their will
you stepped up to protect yourself and it's time to step down

And so I looked to Guan Yin
The mother of all women
I smile from my heart
make me a girl
Not a woman
Not a warrior
a girl
The smile is returned
And I'm dressed in
Soft pink and flowers
*On the inside

I love you.
I love how messed up you are
And how normal you turned out
I look at you over drinks
After work
Both of you
Picture perfect
And neither of you see it
Within yourselves.
It's all
who would want me
And
I'm not good enough
It's all ***** secrets
And things we don't
Want to talk about.
It's all reflections
On all of our faces
As we frown and growl
And point fingers
At who did what.
But in the end of the day
I love you and I know
You all love me
So drop the act
I got all of your backs
And I know you've got mine.
There's alot to be discovered
In how perfectly
We all mirror each other
Giving all of us
Beautifull reflections
Of how we see each other
And each mirror
Is perfect in it's own way.

Blindly you stare
At a single point in time
As you tell me
With anger in your voice
How many "hot ******* you ******"

Then persue your point
By arguing that
You would not lower
Your standarts after having had me

I'll take the compliment
But be sure to understand
That only the damaged girls
Would take as much crap
As I took from you

The way I hear you
Is that you need a woman
Who does not need you
So you would not have
The responsability
Of making her happy

The demands are indeed low
With such a girl
But be sure to understand
That the less she needs you
The more likely
You are to lose her
If you continue this way

If she doesn't need you
Then indeed she stays
Because she wants to
But you're not as great as you think
If you expect her
To sway to your each demand
And less than flawless business transactions

If you want a girl
Who doesn't need you
Make sure you
First and foremost
Are the man who doesn't need her
But who stays
Because he wants to.

Oh dear Lord that's ugly
I wonder how I'll get used to this
Get your **** together
Just grab gently and pull
Yeah that's even worse
Looks kind of like a mushroom
With a coat
Hm, I wonder how that feels
Just smile and look pretty
Did I hear that right
You want me to what?
I'm not putting that in my mouth
Oh fine but no one can ever know
What are you doing
Stop touching that
Huh feels kind of nice
A little awkward
Please don't tell anyone
Why is your tongue in there
I think you like this more than I do
Men are strange

10 years later

Are you going to touch it or what
C'mon lets not wait for the grass to grow
Yours or mine
Did I remember to buy shampoo
Yeah like that
Just a little bit longer
Just a little... Yeah
I just might
Tear those pants off you soon
Incoming text "where are you"
"Argh I was just about to ******"
"Oh sorry, have fun"
"STOP TALKING"
Alright that's enough
Now you just lay there and look pretty
Well what are you looking at
Grab it already
Hm warm hands
You need to work on your game
Yeah like that
Don't stop
I SAID DON'T STOP WHY ARE YOU STOPPING

A young man
Impatient and ruthless
A real to the point kind of guy
Just like his father.
As he was building a house
On the edge of the forrest
He did as father taught him
The wood was soft and flexible
So rather than taking his time
Hammer each nail in to the wood
He beat each of them
In to the wood
One nail, one hit
Efficient
The blow created tension within the wood
That nail will never come out again
Had he taken his time
He could've removed
The rusty nails with less effort
To change what needed changing
20 years from now

It's just like that
When we speak to people.
Be forcefull
And create an unyielding mindset
Be gentle
And create a flexible surface
For evolution.

It was Belgium versus Poland.
The teams were exquisite
Both ferocious and skilled
Nothing if not the sweetest exhibits of creation
Each in their own way.

If only I had been equipped
For what was coming my way.
The flesh is weak and I'm nothing if not human.
Yet your Slavic features quickly made way
For whatever it is, that Belgium is made of.

I lost myself that day...
Not to either of you but to myself.
To whatever it is
That my mournful past is made of.
I suffered my pain for months on end
To one day find the pain missing.

I was no longer a victim of anyone.
Not myself nor was I any longer
A pawn in a game
That had been played in various minds for years.
Most of all in my own.

All is fair in love and war...
But why does there have to a war
To make something so right happen?
Who's Yin and who's Yang?
Or are we all just storms
Colliding in to each other
Time after time
Until justice has been served?

And why would there have to be a war in order to establish justice in the first place?
I've been in over my head for years.
However I'm in deep gratitude
That my lunacy has been made to look so peaceful.
Suffered in silence like I said I would
But there's a paradise in my head, in my heart,
The kind I've touched before...

He was soft and warm
Everything I ever wanted but was never blessed to have or to hold.

They say the Spirit or Heaven
With it 8 Highest Committees
Is most fair
Having seen this in my own life
I vastly believe it to be true
We only create karma
When we fail to forgive
Granted some things seem
Truely unforgivable
But before you run off
Holding on to grudes
Screaming out your revenge
Remember that Heaven is most fair
And if you feel that
You shouldn't forgive
That's fine
But know that the ones who harmed you
Will not only walk in your shoes
But you will walk in theirs
Fully, truely and unaware of it

That's why I believe in excuses.

Scrolling through all the pictures
We took of ourselves
All up to no good
What kind other shenanigans
Could we still have gotten
Ourselves in?

For each insult
We had a laugh
For each injustice
We had a sarcastic remark
The memories flow through me
The pain inflicted upon us
And all the tears that flowed
As a result of chaos.

We broke rules and vows
The vows friends make
We broke each other's hearts
And we broke mindsets
Only to glue them back together
In the right order this time.

But beneath this all
There was something deeply personal and unrelated...

I trew a rock and an insult
Through the glass
That protected your ivory tower
I hated you for all the wrong reasons
And barricated myself in
For all the right reasons

But then when I lost
The will and the strength
To go through all the details again
The continuous rambling that goes through my brain
I found myself disarmed
In the fact that when it comes down to it

I just got my heart broken
And threw in my own windows
In the process of it all
Because I couldn't break any more of yours
The screams of pain
And the tears of sorrow
Have emerged from beneath the anger
And I have nothing left
To arm myself with against you.

Your soft lips on mine
It's warm here
In your gentle embrace
Your sweet scent
Intoxicating to me
Your fast heartbeat
So close I can feel it
My fast heartbeat
So strong you can tell
By looking down my blouse
Earthquakes have epicenters too
A smile spreads on my lips
As your warm hands
Get to know me better
Leave your fingerprints on me
And I'll leave mine on you
And I'll be sure
To get to know your body
To touch each sensitive spot
Just long enough
To drive you completely insain
But honey you be sure
To go all the way
Or I might get pouty
And find someone else
To stay and keep me warm

The lines on his face didn't bother her
And she asked for it not to bother him
She didn't see an old man
But a kind man
A smart man

A man who, against all odds
Hadn't let the world make him cruel
Who allowed a fresh breeze
In his life
And therefore her life

She respected his suffering
Honored his soul, mind and body
And loved each inch of him
She didn't see lines on his face
She saw a kind man
A smart man

He saw games
He saw what he couldn't have
He saw the cruelty of the world
Embodied in her
Yet she had done nothing wrong

"Nothing" in the way
That perhaps her biggest mistake
Had been to allow herself to love him
To speak the words with kindness
And withstand each strike to her person

Months rolled in to years
And nothing changed
Perhaps this would prove him wrong
Or indeed it might prove him right
Only two people know

There's something beyond
You perfectly balanced body
Beautifully curving lips
And those kind eyes
Indeed
There is something beyond
Your well trained abbs
Your arms that invite an embrace
And perfectly shaped strong posture

There's something beyond
The way you look
That makes me want to
Peel your clothes off
And run my tongue
All over all of you
It's not the cylindrical shape
That according to statistics
In my animal brain
Should be as impressive as you

That's not it
However pleasurable it might be
But there is something within you
That makes me want to
Test your limits
In the kindest and softest way
To explore your body
And hopefully impress you too
It is within my ***** mind
Where I realise all the things
I'd love to do on to you

On to you
On top of you
Below you
On my knees
On your knees
On my hands and knees

You get the picture

All things considered
I can honestly say
That my existance
That is still on going
Is not to be taken for granted

I sat in the bus
As I slowly realised
What the odds were high
That I might no longer be here
That there would be
A gravestone with
My name on it

Not for the things I did to myself
But for the things that were done to me
Despite always fighting back.
I never gave up on myself
On my body
I finally saw my escape route
And took it

All things considered
It's a miracle
That I can gaze
Upon my resume
And say that for my age
I've done exceptionally well
For someone who
Has trouble planning
For future

All things considered
It's a miracle
I still enjoy the touch
Of a man's hands
And that through
A mischevious smile
I can say
"I drive a stick"

All things considered
My heart is exceptionally full
Exceptionally whole
And exceptionally loving
And even though my mind
Sometimes throws in
The towel and pulls the plug
It's exceptionally strong

Some would say
I grew stronger
And they surely must have
But the way I see it
I would rather say
abscence of Divine Presence is impossible

For all the times
I took refuge in Light
As the dark swallowed me whole
And for all the times
My suffering was removed
By a single prayer
Or a short meditation...

We're not lucky
We're blessed.

I was just a little girl
About 5 years old
As you made your second attempt
On my persona
Pushed me on to the table
And forcefully started
Removing my clothes

It had not been enough
That I had no compassion
Zero empathy
For what you claimed
To be sorrow over loneliness
go play with your own friends

Bet you had none.

The understanding came to me
In a split second
As I saw the blue light
Within the depths of my heart
Growing larger
Gathering power

I knew now
That I was not
To plead
To beg
To ask
But to demand
Like grown-ups demand

stop

The command left my lips
With the intensity of the Source
Compressed in to my lungs
Tears came to your eyes
I approached your sobbing body
And you ran
Like cowards run
Never having layed a hand on you
The blue flame saved me

And left me with no memory

She stood by the window
Watching the rain pour down
It was as though each drop
That hit the glass and rolled down
Was a short lie
A number of those hitting the window
Before her eyes
Yet in felt as though it was raining inside
The drops left their physical bodies on the glass
And their souls proceeded to become one with her
The cold of the floor going through her feet in to her legs
The teacup in her hand is empty
She analyzes the beautiful blue pattern
Looks like something a sweet elderly lady would have in her cuboard
On the bottom it says "made in England"
A snort of derision and dry smile
As she turns away from the rain
She catches a glimpse of her own reflection in the mirror
She shortly runs her finger by the deep wrinkles mocking her on her face
Age meant nothing to her, they were not enemies
She smiled at her age
It had no power here

The boy who took
Nothing from no one
That was you
It's good seeing you again
You have not changed
I can still read you like
An open book
And you still know
Everything about me

I never regretted breaking up
And by the looks of it
Neither did you
It's good to sit beside you
It's like we never lost touch
But it's been 6 years
Since word reached you
That I was dating someone else
Gently I correct your
Negative mindset

"I want you to meet this band"
Silently I wonder why
But maybe you just need a boost
Just like back in the day
When you did the impossible
Everyone loved you
For the risk you took
And still made profit.
It was a ******* miracle

Perhaps you search
That same engine
I provided then
The boost I threw at you
To get you going
And I'd willingly
Engine anything you got
Never trusted anyone's
Gut feeling like I trust yours

I still got the party flag somewhere
And the Enzo booster flag
And I'm still your friend
And wing woman
I think it's time we get you
A new girlfriend
But don't try to fix me up
With one of your friends.
They're all idiots.

How momma raised her girls

Buck up girl
Make peace with your sister
Ain't no man
Gonna to take care of you
All you got is each other

Chin up girl
If he playing
You know to learn
What he does
And beat him at his own game

Never settle for
Anything less
Than what a man
Can get
If he can do it
You can do it

Baby girl
Never let anyone tell you
What you should do
As a woman
Unclog your own **** sink
Change your own **** tyre

Pay your own **** bills
And buy your own **** rings
Want a nice dress
Go work
Want those shoes
Walk the miles
That earn them

And I have.
Sure I didn't always
Stand on my own feet
But I got my sisters and my girls
coz all we got is each other*

And sure as hell
Us girls never
Tore each other down
But build each other up
Never competing for a man
If he can't choose
On his own

That's how we kept the peace
That's how we grew strong
And there's love in the ghetto
And some girls
With a back bone
And their game face on.

I burned my fingers
On you
But more than that
On how much I trusted you

Hell it wasn't just the fingers
It was fingers all the way
To my elbows
And my bare feet
All the way to my knees

Such was my trust in you
And in my own estimation
Of who you are.
There's never just one to blame
It's always the two

I guess I trew myself at you
And that's fine
But it would take forever
For me to do it again
With full confindence
That you'd catch me.

An angel sitting on a great stone
With a playful smile watching life unfold
Gazing upon the roads unraveling
The birds chirp along
The heat of the sun on her skin
"Look!" Holding a ladybug
And God smiles and replies "you look"
Pointing ahead
Her breath stuck in her throat
A blush on her cheeks
Eyes wide open
She takes in the view
The most beautiful creature on earth
Ahead stands her reflection
The other half, the missing piece
"Go on" God encourages her
She approaches and quickly laughter echoes in the forest
They speak, share, touch and eventually become One
The intence joy, deep true happiness
Comfort and safety of home
Like the light comes from the inside
For the Source is Love
And Love is the Source of Love of the Source
"Come home now, there will be time to play later" says a whisper in the wind
With an angry blush she looks up and asks:
"But then why did we come if we were only to be seperated...?"

"It won't last forever"

Reluctantly she grabs the hand of God
And walks away, tears in her eyes
For they can never be whole alone
And never fully alone
The deepest seperation is the one
One has within themselves
And if he was not a part of her
Then nothing was.

Grandpa Ody retired, content
Worked at GM all his life
The entire family drives Opel
20% discount with a form
Provided by Ody

Now my stepdad married my mum
Making me his daughter
Through their union
We drive an Opel too
Many sets of Opel keys on the dinner table

It may serve us to know
That we recognize our keys
By one glance, one main indicator
For most of us; the Opel car key
Who knows the difference after a few drinks

And so I switched our keys
With those of my stepdad
He glanced at them a few times
Something was wrong
"Nah it must be in my head"

We've payed for our drinks
Thanked everyone
Three kisses in Belgium
Our cars are parked across each other
Click says the lock of our car

Quickly we unlock the other car....
We say goodbye...

"Who took my keys?!"

She walked in and stood by the door.
The question how are you
Had released a verbal waterfall
Of anger and insults in to the air.
Suddenly, mid-rant her eyes froze.
She burst in to tears
As her heart burst in her chest
Of reasons she did not want to tell me.

I held her close and whispered to her.
She cried her tears of sorrow
And slowly we reconstructed
Her future in to something more solid.
Then came the second sister.
She didn't want to talk about it.

She had a depth in her sigh
Of a mother who had lost her will
Who had lost hope
And lay curled up in a corner.
There's isn't much to be done now.
But hope for better days.
There were three broken hearts
Sitting in my orderly livingroom.

So we changed scenes
I walked in to the city
To meet people I've never met.
There was an infinite stair case
To what turned out to be paradise.
There were field flowers and greens
More candle holders
Than I've ever seen...

There were two boys
Who seemed to have it all
In their cluddered pach of heaven.
And that is where we found ourselves.
I welcomed myself
In to my own heart
And decided it was time for a change.
For good this time.

I knew I still had
All your letters
All the train tickets
All the e-mails and
Your baby picture.
The stuffed animals
And the t-shirts you gave me.

But there were so many
Beautifull things
Within the storage box
That contained them.
There were pictures
Of my childhood
The swimming club membership
All the attendace cards
And key chains
The metallica back pach.
And my grandfather's dentures.

Inbetween all the smiles
There was the odd sting.
I think of all the phases
I went through
All the friends and lovers
All the long forgotten parties
Still living inside this box.
Times have changed.
Yet as I lay my head
To rest on your chest
Like we used to,
You say

You haven't changed at bit. Not even a little

Maybe we never change.
Maybe what we think changes.

The leaves were turning brown
The sunlight turned organe in her mind
The depression was deep
A whisper said
"Tell him you love him"
A knot in her gut got tighter
"No" pure and simple

For three days she heard the whispering
Her answer didn't change
She argued, reasoned and pleaded
Even if she wanted to, she couldn't
Cried her tears in the night
The pressure was on
But she didn't give in

5.30 am, strange darkness
A Light darkness
Next to her bed stood a woman
A huge presece
Bigger than any woman she'd known
She spoke softly, like a spring, a harp
Warm, mother-like love
"Haniel?"

"Hello my dearest
I came to see you,
May we speak?
Come to the living room"
She smiled and the girl followed
Sat on the sofa
Felt a gentle caress on her head

"Do you remember your promise?"
"Which one"
"I saw you before you left"
"You did?"
"Yes. You said you'd do anything"
"I did?"

A light tunnel opened up
On to her crown
A light stream descended in her mind
And she remembered
She did make that promise
Once upon a time
As she was leaving the Angelic Realm

"Tell him you love him"
She smiled
She put her back to bed
Tested her briefly
And left her with a strange child-like feeling

Tick tock
And the days pass by.
What am I doing
But letting it.
Some call it depression.
I called it an impasse
All the pawns are set to place
No one moves
And no one gets hurt.

But I linger in my bed
Half asleep, half awake
As your scent passes
Through the hallways of my memory.
Or is it my insanity?
The warmth of hands caressing me
And children singing
Of the sleeping beauty.

Am I asleep, awake or just crazy?
There is only so many closets to clean
Yet mine just keep pouring
Their quite strange contents.
I woke up unable to move mostly
My arm slowly rising in the air
As though I was to touch the ceiling
And the voice of a polite little boy
“When you come down
We’d like to know how you’ve come to levitate”
The memory of the will to kiss him
We were only children...
Children’s dreams...

Yet I still have no wings to fly
And the child within me must obey.
People don’t really fly, do they...?

The truth of the matter is
That we only get angry
For three reasons,
All of which can be
Traced back to fear

1. Not understanding:
When one understands
The actions of another
It becomes easier
To respond calmly

2. Being ashamed:
Whether they meant it
That way or not
Shame is a choice
If we had known better,
We would've done better.

3. Being hurt:
Only the things
We cannot let go of
Will end up choking us
Whether it is love
Or pride and honor
Choose your responce
Not out of spite,
But to create understanding.

The number of times
I've said the words
"I'm not angry,
This is my face"
And the number of times
I've waited my time
To give them what for
Just to make them see
Things from the other side.

And the number of times
I've swallowed my pride
And whispered
you're right
The number of times
I've found happiness
In being taught a lesson

*Because when I know better, I can do better. However choose the way to teach a lesson carefully, it can make us greater or smaller. Choose your weapon carefully.

I lost my job

you want to come over

yeah I think I do*

Haven't seen you in months...
Suddenly I see once again
How deeply you impacted me.
You're like a dock worker
But a girl, a fire fighter to be exact.
We're not that different;
I just conformed to expectations.

We speak like we always spoke.
You ground me
You always ground me.
The whisperers are on a roll
And you listen intently.
The house has a heart
The blue lines on your wall
Look like the arteries
And there's a warm beating heart at the foundation.

There are images projected
In the empty space
In your kitchen
And I'm in deep flow
Whispering past events to you.
There are jokes infused
In serious discussions
And a cause of hilarity
In our intoxicated distraction.

There's a playful fox
On the edge of my lips...
And a seed of trust
Embedded in our souls.
We add dimensions
To our reality.
Open up more.
Close our mouths more.
Like the Yin
We flow slowly but surely,
We dust oursrlves off,
We reach our goals...

But not today.
The beer is cold
And there's a border collie in my lap...

It's nice here after all
This bumfuck town
Think I'll miss it
When I finally move
Back to the city
This summer
There's space here
Like there used to be
In my home town
Up north
Summers are pure and green
I think I'll miss it
Maybe I was never a city girl after all.

I lay in my bed
In the state
Between sleep and awake
Suddenly as clear as the blue sky
I hear your voice
Like whisper that comes
From out side
As though it really does
Reach my physical ear:
"Are you coming?"
Almost like you whispered
Because your soul knew
I was still sleeping.

Such are connections
I can hear your discomfort
And as I arrive to work
You tell me
That everything went wrong this morning.
But I knew that
Otherwise you would
Not have asked for help,
Would you?
And my energy
Would not have subdivided to you,
Now would it?

I stood in the bookstore
Thinking about how
He touched my soul
I look over and see
Someone else

I stared for a while
And left the choice to you
My highschool friend
Former best friend
The boy who got so lost

You walked over to me
And you weren't upset
With how we parted
Instant connection
As it has always been

Life is meant
For rambling conversations
We talked about everything
And how you still
Have my contact information
Is beyond me

Nothing's changed
I told you to play your guitar
From the depths of your soul
I saw your eyebrows
Return to their youthfull constant

"Do you think I'm going to say no to what you ask of me?"

"Is that a serious question"

You've never said no to me
And how you manage
To always agree
Surprises me each time

I smiled at you
Nothing's changed
Except that we understand
Each other better
Than ever before
Not because you do
What I ask of you
But I guess
something else just clicked.

Everything you need
Will come to you
At a perfect time
I may have spent
Two years
Asking the same
******* question
"When"
The answer was within
The gentle smile
That was cast down
To my crown

when you're ready*

I did my time

I ended it
And **** worked out
New job
The kind I love
Paris at the end
Of the next month
New employer
Casually calls it
A teambuilding trip
All expenses included.

New place to live
Money pouring down
Driver's lisence
Should be around the corner now
It's like clock work
Still I wonder
What clock are you watching?

Would love to syncronize with you.

There's a tension headache
Pressuring my brain
It feels alot like the pain
One feels after having cried for too long.
It feels like the pain we feel
After having realised
That we don't always feel better
After the tears have flown.
just cry, you'll feel better after
But with you it never worked out that way.

The pain stayed and you left.
More times than I can count.
So I wrote you a letter
Just so you'd know
That things are different this time around.
I won't leave in anger
And I won't argue this time.
I'm not leaving because of something you said.
I know you've been trying.
I'm leaving because the pain isn't healing.
You are not healing me
Just letting the wounds fester
As if you spat in to them.

So this time
I'm packing up
Everything I ever felt for you
Only to toss my luggage
In to the stream
As I cross that bridge.

Now I know
Where all those odd lost objects come from.
Maybe like the bags that contain my love for you,
All the lost shoes and shirts
Are just containers for something
That cannot be dressed up in words.
I can hear the plunge as I keep walking.
Now when I reach the other side,
I'm setting that bridge on fire.
Burn *****, burn

I hail my train and forget that there ever was a John.

If I colored three pages
From a coloring book
You'd see the difference
In the intensity
The distribution of the color
It's just like that
In the way I love each of you
Different colors
Different intensities
But never think
They can be compared
Would however pick out
My favorite
And if it was good to me
Hold it close forever
As the one and only
But if I no longer matter
Then eventually
Neither will you

It was always there
The conflict
If it wasn't at the Kurdish border
It was within the heart of Ankara
Spreading rapidly through the country.
They named the airport
After Atatürk, First Turk.

Bet you would turn in your grave
I still remember your portrait vividly
There was reason and natural authoroty
In the depths of your brown eyes.
We fell asleep under your watchfull gaze
now that's a handsome man

She marked herself as
"safe in Istanbul"
The tension rose within me
And I knew that if anything
Ever happened to you
I'd never get over it
I gritted my teeth and typed
"Why don't you just come home now"

On paper, you are home
But in our hearts
Your home is here

Come home
come home
*come back

It wasn't weird
Hanging out
Just wanted to see the cats
The furr babies
The Handsome Fluffybutts
But as I arrived
To the house
That was my home
For 5 years
I just got comfortable as ****.

I opened all the doors
Meditated on the couch
Waited for you to come home
And let you make me coffee
While chatting as always.
And **** was I ever impressed
You finally opened up
You told me your worries
Your finances
-Kudos for paying your debts-
Your fears and all the gossip
Your training schedule
And what your friends said.

I did what I always do;
Told you everything.
About almost everything.
Including the fact
That now that you're
All pumped up
And training like crazy
That you need new clothes.
That shirt's starting
To look funny on you.
You should get rid of it.
Meanwhile I'll go
Through your closets
As though they are still mine.

"Mom what doe it mean
The word 'beautiful'?
I mean what is it's content?
What are you saying
When you use it"

She gave a look
Of serious consideration
Took a deep breath
And lovingly she said:

I will not ruin this for you
So I will say it like this
Beautiful means
That you see something
Feel or hear something,
You could marvel at for hours

Perhaps it will be a flower
Maybe it's a pet
Often for a man, it is a woman
And the other way around
But not always and that's fine too

When Socrates asked the same
The answers were extensive
Philosophers have asked this
Many times before
But here's what I learned:

When a cat is a good cat,
It will not scratch you
Or dig it's teeth in you

When a cat is a bad cat
It will do exactly what feels
Natural to it's species

So who are we indeed
To ask a cat to be
Anything else than what it is?

It is the same
With the concept of beauty
It does not apply
To your personal rules and structures
It is perfect
It was made that way

So who are we indeed
To judge it?
The concept is beauty
Is taught and learned
And I'm sorry
But I'm not buying it.

May we decide for ourselves
What beauty looks like to us
But perhaps start
With a good look in the mirror
And love the face
That's looking back.

Because it is perfect.
It was made that way. ;)

Confessions of a maid #1

You're room's a ******* pigstal
And I'm getting real sick
Of your ****
Enter bathroom and grab a used towel
You know the one you used
To clean up your *****
After your morning *******
Should've anticipated that

Now that **** is already on my hand
And I'm really losing it
Then I calm down
I smile
And with a smile
I use that very same towel
To clean your entire bathroom