You need a little diplomacy:

You're Tammy's daughter, right?
Yeah.
Hi my name is Eric, I'm 28. May I ask your mother for your hand.
Dude it's 2006 and I'm 17, I can't get married
but go ahead and ask, she'll roundhouse kick you out of the building
It's ok we'll wait a year.
Can I come and watch you ask?

You need patience

Because the guys from F&B;
Are picking up the trays
And they've pressed
On every single button
And need at least 30 seconds
In each floor
That's 5 minutes before the elevator comes.

And everyone knows you:

"You know you're just like your mother"
is he picking a fight
"Hi Mona Lisa"
***
"What time do you finish"
stop asking and tuck in your shirt

And you always smile:

Wiping fingerprints off a glass door
"Excuse me, pay I pass?"
"You know what, I dare you"
One look that says
"Feet up"
And the sporters are easy going
And when their garbage bags weigh
About 20 kgs
They'll take down their own thrash
Because they're "tall and strong"
And you're not.

And the strangest things happen:

"Can you two stop having *** on the piano?"

And you learn to connect the dots

"Andy's going to **** you"
"Yeah"
"What are we going to do"
"I have leftover doughnuts. Andy likes doughnuts"
"Oh you're fine."

And at the end of the day
When you go down to the foyer
And find a taxi parked in the middle
You don't ask how did it get in here
Because you turn the hell around
"I can't even process that"

I've been here everyday for a week
are you coming over
"Yeah"
It's like leaving home
To come home again.
It's never been far
And you're always in some kind of legal trouble.
Mohammed is in jail again.
Story of his life
And I'm sitting here across you
Next to your girl
She's really nice too
Once again, the same old shelter cat.
I'm tired of looking for a decend job.
But as I sit here across from you
There's a safety within me
That everything's going to be ok
I'll never go without
Because everything I have
Has always belonged to you, yours and mine.
And you would've given me
The shirt off your back
And did many times.
Someday I hope to bring you and yours
To a safe place, where you never have to worry again.
Not about money or your safety.
Just like you to for me, time and time again.

When we were little girls
We sang as though
Our voices joined as One.
We sang in a chior
Young voices of angels
The voices in which
Innosence was centered
We joined to sing as One.

Now years later
We sit at a bar
They call us The Sisters
Because we're always together
We share all things
We share what we have
Because all we ever had
Was each other.

A song comes on
And our voices join
As One once more.
The guys smile
Oh, it's the Sisters
We sound somewhat different now
More mature, more brushed off.
Less like angels
More like rivals.

I had a wish years ago
That we'd one day stop
Competing for everything and anything.
Who's the most talented
Who's most accomplished
Who has the highest degree
And the best job.
Who makes the most money
And who is prettiest.

It was all under control
Until I heard the words
Escape from your lips...
I'm sleeping with the guy you like
Air escaped my lungs
You cried out your shame
And I blessed you in silence.
I can't shut you out
Because I still love you.

I wish you had stopped competing
I could never get even with you.
Not because I can't win
But because you can't win from me.
I'd break you in pieces and you know it.
You stayed up all night
Howling out the pain
You never knew lived within you.

And I wish I had said something about it to you before
*Now look at us

I woke up with a heavy heart
Nothing made sense
All the visions
Between sleep and awake
Melted in to each other

I stood up
Slightly out of balance
Thinking that I'm just drowsy
But then my vision blurred
And I stumpled on to the couch
"I'm working, be quiet"
I heard her say
Inbetween the flashbacks

The flashbacks of you beating me
you will bend to my will
Words of deep resistance
Left my lips
As I curled up
You proceeded to violating me
And I screamed that one day
You'd wake up
Standing next to your body

This made you retreat each time
You cried in the corner
And I woke up
With no memory
Of what you did to me...

Deeply greatful
For the peace that I've found
I recover from this panic attack
And face another day
Where the future
Looks bright
And you're but a distant memory
I've found peace
And you're still sick.

I can handle my PTSD
And everything you did to me
There are no marks
And I've won over you
Once more.

When I was a little girl
There were flowers in the sky
And stars in the grass
Everything was different
Life has become clearer
Everything has it's rightfull place
Yet somehow I tend to think
That the stars are meant to
Grow on green soft fields
And somehow flowers
Actually belong to heaven
Somehow the thought of you
Makes me believe again
That I will wake up one day
And find everything as it's intended
The flowers in the sky
And the stars in the grass

He drives an Audi

She looked around
Slightly distracted
Am I to gather
From this then
That you are in fact
Interested in him?

Girl I'll love you anyway
You're so ******* random
And truly an exquisite woman
Your childlike innosence
Becomes you.
But what's wrong
With a poor man?

It's all fine, I don't judge
But look out for yourself
Make the wrong choice
And his money
Will always have
The last word.
For better, for worse...
In sickness and in health.

There may be
Something within you after all:
Dumb-struck I look up
At your words
I hope I'll be accomplished*
Well **** girl
I hope that too
And you know what?

I'll be here for support
On your way to that.

"Spiritual testing is the means to the teach lessons and release the things that no longer serve us"

Time to arrange the jewelry box
I do this as a from of meditation
My body responds heavily
Perhpas somewhere in the middle
Of all these pieces I will find
My suppressed femininity

I look through everything
Silvers together
Each in their own box
Only own a few gold pieces
Be sure to find them all
The memory of the lost necklaces
Flashed by many times

The family heirlooms are still here
Old German silver, the stamp ring
The Hawaian corals
And the handcrafted tree
That holds precious stones
But where are the diamond earrings

They aren't really mine
Never considered them to be mine
Just like the necklaces
That were given
From Godmother to Godchild
As a way to express love
In this way, they were priceless
My stress levels rise up
This is exactly why I don't wear jewelry

help me* I whisper to the sky
An image appears before my eyes:
I'm putting them in a small plastic  bag
To make sure I don't lose them
****, what did I do
go about your day, they will turn up
Says a soft whisper
And I feel a smile upon me
you will learn something

I go about my day
And as I clear out the mess I made
Making sense of things
I find a small plastic bag
That holds a pair of diamond earrings and a ring
I'm not that irresponsible to lose them

The smile is upon me again...
*you have learned your lesson

"I'm a ******* Starboy"

The words are spelled
On your forehead
I smile at you
The real smile
That you always see
Playing on my features.

"I love you unconditionally and always"*
You think I don't know that?
You look away each time
You see my adoration
And know deeply and truly
That I will never act on it.

I'm done waiting around,
If you can't see that
I deserve better than anything
You are willing to offer.
Of all the beauty you hold
None of it will belong
In my life again.

And as you leave
4 minutes to catch your train...
"It's fine I'll pay"
I say once again.
And I think maybe today
You may have understood
Why I won't give in to you.

It's always the same with you.
But there's a warm place
In my heart as I think of you.
There's a virtual kiss
Landing on your forehead.

To you it means
The kiss of death.
To me it always meant
The kiss of loyalty.
You may never agree on everything
But maybe today
You understood
That I'm nobody's side *****.

I never wanted to be a mother
Not because I dislike kids
Just wasn't something I ever considered
It was never a priority
Not something I considered in my calculations

Over a year ago
I was asked to be a godmother
Hell why not
They call me Aunt Bootcamp
Self-explanatory
Although kisses and hugs
Are always available

And sure they're cute
But I'm literally
The laziest person I know
Unless I'm working
...Or looking after kids
Appratently

So there he is
"20 months old"
-What is up with the whole month- thing anyway?-
Squeezing the content
Of his juicebox in himself
Laughing like it's greatest thing ever

So his mum put him in the shower
I'm looking for towels
Socks, shirts and extra pants
Cleaning up juice
Off the floor
And the table
Consequence of a glass knocked over

He casually pees on my carpet
And somehow it only made me laugh
Preconditioned to get up
And catch him as he falls
Wondering how I got be so fast
Not even remotely annoyed
As he smiles and looks me in the eye
And does exactly what I said not to do

what the mind thinks, the body becomes*

If I continuesly hate myself
For the way I look
Will my body not become resentfull
Surely, nobody wants to be
Told off all day long

Today a lady said to me
Don't change, now you look good
I resisted the urge to say
"I looked good 10 kilos ago"
It makes sense that others don't see it
They don't love their own bodies

So instead I told her
"Love your body and it will love you back"
However never use your love
As a conditioning technique
It will surely backfire.

So if I close my eyes
And tell my hands to type a word
They will surely do so
Not just because I can blindtype
But because my body knows how.

And if I close my eyes
And tell my body to hold on
To the last thing I see as I fall
My hands will never miss
Such is the intelligence
Of the mind-body connection.

So if I tell my body
You can adjust to anything painlessly
Surely she can do so

She has done it many times before
Even as I resisted the urge to run away
In order not to rip myself apart
But I never ripped
Because my vessel
Is as flexible as I humbly request her to be
And she knows it.

Let me peel those layers off you
And run my tongue over you
All of you
While your hands explore me
Got a few places where
You should put them

I got your scent all over me
Intoxicating me gently
Soft moans in the dark
Or light, however you like it
There are fire flies in the sky
And hummingbirds in my stomach

A gentle pressure
I'd like you to built up
Within me
There: my innermost thighs
Something to wrap around you
Get comfortable in my skin
Linger for a while
And cause a sweet explosion

The sweeter you are
The naughtier I get
I swear honey
Nothing's too small
Nothing's too big
I'll gladly take
Whatever you got...

Off goes my alarm clock

I lay in the deepest meditation
Conversing calmly
With the sweetest fraction of creation
The product of my imagination
Your scent lingers here
I have no attachment
To your physcal state

"Will it hurt"

"At first but you'll get used to it fast"

"How do you know"

"Because I know you"

Electricity ignited within my gut
And travelled to my heart
In all colors of the rainbow
I knew it must've been true
On some level.

It all felt beneath me
For a few hours
How did I become
This very person
Who I never believed
I'd be able to be?  

Like things that
Didn't match a certain level
Were not good enough for me
think long term
I whispered to myself
Then I saw it all happen again

The girl with a well established
Self-esteem and self-value
Run down to the ground
Only to rise up
Roaring like a lion
Tearing down obstacles
Left and right.

I tasted the greener grass
And it left a bitter taste in my mouth.
What if I was there
For no other reason
Than to learn self-respect.
Self-love...

For one can only define me
As I allow myself to be defined.
I have not failed
On an epic scale
I've conquered on an epic scale
And I rose above myself
And what I thought I needed.
It just wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

And so maybe it's time
To go back home
And rebuild these walls
I once caressed with gratitude
And acknoweldge
That they have always served me well
And they have always been
More than good enough

Like myself,
They've always been perfect.
For who will judge my life
In the end of the day
When the sun sets
On my withered body
As I lay myself
To my final resting place?
Surely it will be me and no one else.

All of this came back together
With the humble presence
Of the most precious friend
I have ever held close.
You smiled and grabbed the hand
Of your girl.
In that moment
I remembered all that was dear to me
And all I have ever been:

The girl who likes to walk bare foot
With a heart that longs
For peace and all that is
Sacred and sweet in this world.

Your speech slurs as you open up
The door of your 4 star hotel room
Poor balance nearly betrays you
I ask you if you need help
The lights appear in your eyes
Gratitude, someone cares

You are the queen on the night
Your clothes betray you
But not because you look cheap
Only because you feel cheap
Entertainer of "some sort"
Sweet, smiling Sue

What keeps that smile on you?
Is it the Cava you start your day with?
Your virtue scattered all over your room
In the shape of golden euro cents
Ashes and empty packs on the floor
How many did you have today
How many men?

Ironically, yet in no way surprisingly
There is laughter in this room
Lust and love
Love for the money
Love of the cylindrical shape you ride
... And vast loneliness.

Do you have friends to talk to?
Or do they run away
From the rythmical slurs
That leave your perfect lips
You are not broken over your job
Just a lonely girl
About my age...
Too young to be so lost

What gave, girl?
What gave?

My phone rings
I know it's you
27 missed calls
I look out
Are you there
Watching me
A woman orders a wine
I serve her and take her money
Shivers run down my back
Are your eyes
Following each step
Are you angry
That I'm dating again
Will you show up uninvited
I know you'll call
Another 20 times tomorrow
10 on the good days
Will you ever stop
Do you know
That the rebound
Isn't around 5/7
Will this ever end

I sat in the bus
Watching the scenery pass my by
There was a whisper
In my ear, in my head
In my crown, in my very being

perhaps we should talk

Willingly I allowed
The images to appear
Before my eyes
In my mind
In the tangles in my brain

I watched a girl
Come at me
Fury in her eyes
She was smaller than me
Weaker than me
She raised her hand
I neatly folded it behind her
"Have some self-respect"

why did you do that?

She's fighting over a man
Regardless of who won
This is pointless
This is below me

what would you tell her

There's no point
Fighting over a guy
There's no reason
For us to argue
I have no issues with her

look at her closer

She came at me all over again
But this time
She changed
Her dark hair grew and turned blond
Her eyes were hit by waves
That showed
In fact they were blue;
She was me.

are you in conflict with yourself

I know the blame's 50/50
I know my endless
Pride, stubborness and honor
I know my negative patterns
And I take the heat for it

were you just playing with him

There was no intention of pain inflicted
I wanted to play
Like children play
To make a smirk appear
On his exquisite features
The lauging wrinkles to come out

did you achieve that?

Thought I did
But my phone went off
***** little snitches
Expected better from you
Bunch of *******
There's a tiny man
Hidden inside that huge presence
Be 208cm all you want
That was below both of us

There's a smile upon my crown
*forgive and you will be forgiven

"You're a social person
And you do approach men
Yet never enough
For them to know for sure
That they have your favour
You always leave it in the middle
You do make known
Who you like the most
But never exactly how much
Are you just friends
Do you need more time
Are you looking for proof
What does a man have to do?"

In a flash I feel it again
A set of gentle hands
On my hips
As I danced the night away
And I hear it again
A firm "no"
Yet he did nothing wrong
That was not my finest hour
I wonder if he gathered
All his courage to do that.
sorry, it's really not you

And then it came to me
The mindset:
It never works out anyway
The result of being rediculed
In your first relationship.
Well done ex, well done.

I felt it to the depths of my heart
The riots in Istanbul
To the point that on a whim
I packed up and left
To join them.
I know how many died
And got life long injuries
And I don't know why
But it feels like a personal insult
That these people are being
Stripped off their basic rights
At the hands of a religious leader

I heard the worry years ago
As I sat at the table with you
In a mansion ajoining the consulat.
How I wondered in here
I beyond me, but here I am.
Watching the wrinkle
Appear on you doll-like features.
I roared with rage as I watched
The footage of the taking of Taksim.
My heart broke with the lightbulbs
I threw at the riot cops
Off the safety of your balcony.

they're just doing their jobs

they attained 50 people tonight

Right before my eyes

I could only watch them
Jump out of their windows

Now I hear that they blew up
The apartment right across
From yours last night.
And the guy who sold bread
On the side of the street died.
I watched the footage
Of Radiohead fans
Being beaten up
For enjoying themselves
During your religious vast.

*Why doesn't anyone help them?

There she sat across me calmly and sternly,
The kind lady who recruited me.
I had no words left to speak out.
They had disappeared in to the cubicle
I used to occupy.
I had kept quiet for the past weeks
Hoping that would soothe the boss
And her relentless persuit of me.

Not once would I regret the things I said
In my poor defence of problems
She caused and the blamed on others.
It wasn't her, I was just not smart enough.
It wasn't her inprudence and a software can't malfunction.
It was never her.

Sure I'm not perfect...
I willingly admit to that any day.
But I wasn't the first one
...and you won't be the last one
She attempted a smile
And said she'd call tomorrow.

But didn't it bother you

Yes but it wasn't worth quitting over

The truth is probably between the lines
And the enthousiasme of a Silverfox
A sweet man who never learned to lie.
Not even about the things
That were never introduced in words.
Or even a touch.

It all seems so unnecessary
But then I remember how she smiled
As he adressed her
And I realised my mistake
And what she was a victim of this time.
But it was never her fault.
I simply walked in to her territory...

People always asked us
Why do you girls
Always look angry
Sorry it's our resting ***** face.
But perhaps it was
More the fact
That we took nothing
From no one.

A few saw through it
And became friends for life.
But there was also you
The boy from my class
From elementary school.
Ran in to you periodically
On the school yard
In high school

You hugged me
You always hugged me
We never talked much
We weren't close
But you hugged me
From your heart
And so one day
I asked you why.

And you smiled
And reminded me
That when everyone
Picked on you
For having warts on your nose
I sat by your side
And told you
You weren't disgusting.

I forgot about it
But you learned deep compassion
And quietly returned it to me
When I needed it the most.
*thank you

It hit me almost like a car would
But a lot more softly.
I was walking down the street
To the ump-teenth job interview
As I noticed where I was standing.

I was on the other side of the street
Of where you intercepted me
About 6 years ago.
Vaguely I remembered
Having played around with you
We worked hard, we gamed hard.

"Where do I put this pallet?"
"Just there, in front of the computer"
I raised my eyebrows
and pushed the pallet
Right up against the computer.
"Here?"
"Yeah"

I smirked at you and released the switch
As to leave the pallet right up against the computer
"No! I meant with a gap so I can still work"
"I know what you meant!"
I turned on my tracks and ran off laughing.

It was high season
You could not have gotten your hands
On a transpallet with the best will of the world.
"Woman, I'm going to get you for this!"
Put your game face on sweetpants

You started driving me home
I was nervous and you could tell.
I waited for you that night
But you never came out
So I took the bus home.
okay maybe he's done playing
I thought to myself
As I crossed the road.

A blue Volkswagen Golf
Stopped on the crossway
It was green for me
What's your problem dude?
The lights turned on inside
It was you
"You need a ride?"
"I thought you went home"
"No but I chased the bus until here so I could drive you home from here on"

Thanks for getting my point
Thanks for all the years after
Thanks for your current commitment
Even though we broke up.
And thank you for always getting the message,
Even though you never listened.

Thank you for all the years you gave me
As a result of a game we used to play at work.
I love you, like good friends love each other.
With the same loyalty and commitment.
You haven't lost anything
It just changed.

It was cold and the sun was out
Upbeat but unable to convince my body
I dragged on
Down the street, passed the Central Station
I stood at the cross way
A black Range Rover stopped to let me pass.
The window opened, he yelled my name.

The past came flooding in
That black boy brought it all back.
I stood in the warehouse
Yelling out orders
Three 40ft containers
And it's only 8 in the morning.
Barely short from a military regime
He just smiled, the black boy.
"Ok boss, I'll get it done"
He turned away and I smiled back

Illegal immigrant
The kindest boy I knew
The hardest worker
Defended me when you needn't.
Lost it all, job and everything
"Put him back on the planning"
Alas, no papers means no work.

It's good to see you
The boy who made it
...In to a Range Rover of all places
Just barely on my feet
Miss Independed through it all...
But you made my day
Gave me hope and a sign.
We all get back on our feet eventually.

An inbetween job
That's all it was
I forgot I was accomplished
Cleaning up your crap
I learned that it takes
Physical endurance
Flawless efficiancy
And fierce organisation
And above everything else
Healthy intelligence
To do what these girls do everyday
Supervising the girls
I learned compassion
A few months ago it was me
And guess what?
I learned humility.
It was beautiful
I learned that whatever pit
I get stuck in
I always grow out of it
I've never let hierarchy limit me
Never looking down on
My people on the floor again
But elevate them above everything else
Because it is on their backs
That the economy grows
I made no mistake
I took the job
And turned it all in my advantage
This will look great on my cv
Because that's how
I will see it.

Someone once said
If you subtract your age
From 66 and add 50
You'll get your birthyear
I smirked and went along
With this game on numbers.

It all setteled where they said it would.
As a direct consequence
Arose the infernal question
but why
I've never been great at math.

But I put my mind in to it
I can figure this out
What is the value
Of the constants?
If they aren't talking
Then what are they saying to me?

I broke my head over it
It all made sense
In any way I put them.
Something just wasn't adding up.
I'm putting the measure
Of comparaison in the wrong place
Said a whisper within me.

At peace I sat waiting for the bus
A whisper closes in
If the constants don't serve you, then why are you fixating on them?
Of course, that is it!
It's not the constants
It's not the known facts

It is the variables
The unknown facts!
And sure as hell
If you add 66 to 50,
You'll get 116...
and if I add 89 to 27,
I'll get the equal of the comparaison: 116.

So relax, acceptance will come
When we learn what the variables are.
And even if you don't understand it,
You can still love it
And it will eventually love you back.

It was day time in a seedy little bar...

"You go talk to him!"

"No you go..."

"She should go" she said
With a firm voice
Like her mind was made up.
So I went

He sat at the bar
Dark hair in a pony tail
He was the coolest guy
There was a man by his side
Who spoke to him
With admiration in his voice.

He pretended he didn't notice me
I went closer, my knees weak
And my hands sweating
He saw me, snorted
Like I wasn't good enough.
With my voice trembling
I said to him...

"Daddy when are you coming home?"

"Dude you have to go home!" Said the man beside him.

Daddy did come home eventually
With a black eye
From the guy at the bar;
Convinced mum
She was the crazy one.

But I liked that other guy better...
Because when a child tells you to go home...
You go home.

The C-Pilot
You look just like all the other files
And yet you are different today
Because you're the only one left
The last one.

I watch him look at you
With appreciation and gratitude
He's joking about you
As though you were a woman.
I smile and ask him:

*Are you going to say the same
When the new order of C-pilots arrives?

We talked
For the first time ever
We actually talked

We agreed
That mistakes were made
But we're still friends

There's nothing else I can say
I lost an obstacle
And I gained my best friend

Because above anything else
That's what we have always been
Best friends.

We are going our own ways
You go yours and I go mine
But I still got your back

And I know you've got mine.

It saddens me to watch women
They're so busy
Proving their worth at work
Because it was not always an option
Not their fault.
But was it man's fault?
Purely stripped down of the powerstruggle?
No.
Someone had to look after children
It was a necessity, survival of the race
Pure and simple.

I've been trained, evaluated and promoted
By men not women
Miss Professional Climber
It might intrest you to know
That I didn't blow them to get ahead
If I didn't have skills
That would've reflected poorly
On the man who put me there
And sweety, he'a not an idiot
But I'm starting to think that you are.
In business Time is still Money

It saddens me to watch women
Trying to live up to the mother
In an ideal world
Indeed in a movie
Feeling guilty for things they can't help
Indeed for being a mere human
It's rarely the parents' fault
For if they knew better
They would've done better
Pure and simple.

It saddens me to watch women
Trying to have the perfect body
Sure men can be cruel
But is it really all because of them?
Are they the ones greedily
Grasping on to a gossip magazine
Inviting their friends
To judge others like it's a social event
Spending hours in front of the mirror
When all they needed is to take a shower
Clean clothes, mascara and eyeliner

Never heard a man complain
About the natural look
And when asked
He didn't have the first idea
What else I would've needed.

Are we really doing this
To lure in the perfect man
You know the one that in reality
Doesn't know why you want a thighgap
Because he doesn't know what it is!
And if he does
He didn't think to check that you had one
When he asked you out.

Women blame men for only wanting one thing
And he's definitely a pig
When he talks to your *****
It may surprise the fairer ***
That according to a poll
The first thing men really notice
Are the eyes and the smile
And sure men tend to look at other women
But studies show that
Not only can they not help it
They don't even remember having seen her in the first place

So who are the real ******* here?
Is it not the women themselves?
It's more than true
That women don't dress for men
They dress for other women
Women don't want to be perfect mothers
Purely for their children
but for other mothers
Women don't want to be bosses
Because it reflects their personal power
*but because they want to dominate other women

There she was again
The girl in the sandbox
Her brown hair cut short
Wearing pink shorts
And no shirt
I'm not entirely sure she's a girl

"Do you want to play with me
We can go and get my toys
And build sandcastles, play hide and seek"
She frowned at me and I wondered
Does she know how to talk
She muttered and walked away
#
"My mum sent me
She said that we should walk together"
It's early morning, -25*C
"Ok" said the girl from the sandbox
We were 8 years old
I can count the words she has spoken with one hand

It's nearly dinnertime
Where is the girl
You know the one from the sandbox
Crazy thing, she told me
Not to vacuum clean snow off the floor
And she gave me a puppy pendant
#
Now I don't live here anymore
And I don't have her number
They call us "Foreign Finns"
But sure thing if I go
To her parents house
I'll find her

Knock knock says the door
Her mum opens up and hugs me
Takes her phone and says
"Guess who's here"
And without hesitation
She says "Lily. I'm coming"

The girl from the sandbox

The Gods hate me
Every time I think
I'm over it
I run in to you
You say nothing special
But my knees are weak
For an hour after
Wish you just went away
Can't do this anymore
The Gods hate me

The Gods hate me
The images start
Flowing in my mind
I know your scent
Better than I'd like to
And your silhouette
More vividly than I care to
The colors in your hair
And the shades in your eyes
And that cute crooked smile
The Gods hate me

Jane, age 16
Harsh, mostly with herself
Love and compassion avalable for all
But she doesn't need any
At least not to her own knowledge
She's always fine
Nothing can tear her down
Perhaps that's the reason
Why at age 21 she mainly gets off on herself
At age 16 you see
She gave herself away
No regrets to this day
Well at least she never thinks about it

The boyfriend, really good for nothing
Honestly, a charity case
Yet she saw something good in him
He was very cunning though
(In a good way of course)
As her passions drove her up the wall
He turned away: let me sleep
Knowing that next day
She was unstoppable
And he didn't have to work that hard
She'd do all the work
And he got to witness the spectacle

Age 21: not tonight honey
I have a headache.
The truth is that nothing pleases her
She'll help herself in the shower.
When he touches her
It is not the touch of love
It is desire, not for her
But his own relief
Minimum time invested
But then again
How could he know what she likes
Or find pleasure with her
She's nervous and impatient all the time
She doesn't know what she likes

But he doesn't notice
He like her, never made love
He drifts away in his own fantasy
She puts all her energy in trying
Trying not to let him down.
She's made him feel
like he's not good enough before
Although she can't figure out why
Why the moaning wasn't a sign
Naturally she was faking it
Like she always does
And all along, the reality is
They are simply using each other
For stressrelief

Your voice shook
"What are you doing?!"
that's my daughter!
Alcohol on your rapid breathing

Skillfully he mumbled something
An elaborate excuse
It's normal

The fury on my mute face
DON'T YOU EVER COME BACK

He sat down
I watched you try
Try to wrap your mind around it

Blood runs thicker than water
He was your brother
Rest in pieces you sick ****
But blood runs thicker than water

If only you had had momentum
If only you had...
Yet you were still on time
Dad, the conquering hero

Because blood runs thicker than water...
And when it comes to the offspring
I'm blood
And you're water.

As if he read my mind:
"I'm never coming back"

You asked me if I wanted
to go to the movies
Said you had an extra ticket
And here I'm doing the math:
On your party last weekend
Your boyfriend analyzed my boredom
The empty look in my eyes
Quickly I proceeded to having fun

A few days later you forwarded
Two job adds from your account
One of which I was underqualified for
But thanks for the compliment
One was to work at a Bio store
Thanks for the gross generalisation
But sincerely thanks for the effort x

And finally today out of the blue
You have one extra ticket
That's you, him and me
Free tickets come in pairs Sis
It's either 2 or 4
And so I asked you:
Is this an intervention?
"...no... See you saturday"
Hope you recovered well
From the violent pantsfire :)

The frequency here is calm
It almost seems like
Nothing is happening
Each room is the same
There are rules and procedures
Each time I think of it
I get exhaused
From the mere idea
Of putting 19 rooms
To their original state
The girls each have
A remarkable condition
Yet they make it
Look so easy
It's all about timing
And flawless efficiancy
This is where I earned
My first paycheque
Shed frustrated tears
Of a 17 year old
Learned to work
It only seems fitting
That I'd come here again
The girls smile and say:
Welcome back, you're fat.

The stepcounter is passed 20km
My joints hurt and my muscles cramp
I'm sweating like a pig
My hands tremble from the effort
The list is still long
There's no massage in the world
That could ever fix this
My back jams and I'm only 26

The girls say you lose
5kg in the first days
I cannot disagree
As my clothes don't feel the same
On my day off I sit completely still.
Letting my muscles get cold
Would cause an agonising cramp
From neck to wrist

The sheets need changing again
Two beds of 20kg per room
If only each member
Of the Canadian rowing team
Hadn't ****** off in them
The biggest hick-up is
That I have to seperate
The sheets from the tissues

And then there are the blokes
Who just won't sit down to ***
Or flush the toilet
I'll give you three guesses
Where these hands have been today
Don't even get me started on
Tampons and **** pads
***** hairs in the tub
And dried up food
In the hotel's black teacup

A euro for your effort...
Which I'd happily spend
Shoving up your... :)

It was in that moment
When I watched you
Enter the room
You held the door open
As I was going out.
There's a kindness in your eyes
A fair and just man.
All of which I see
And deeply appreciate.
But it is truly in the way
You sort me out
Without ever losing your temper.
The way you look me
In my eyes and say "no"
In the calmest manner.
You use my name
To adress me.
It's not in the name
But the way you say it.
That makes me smile
And makes me realize
That I will only be
As impossible as you allow me to be.

A Mexican standoff is a confrontation among two or more parties in which no participant can proceed or retreat without being exposed to danger. As a result, all participants need to maintain the strategic tension, which remains unresolved until some outside event makes it possible to resolve

Now I don't know what
You are waiting for
But all you need to do
In my book
Is speak the words.

There's no need to mend things
God knows that if it wasn't
For Karmic responsability
I would've spoken those words
A long long time ago.

I don't need anything from you
Just wish you'd come clean
Your foal mood has been going on
Since last Thursday
And for all I care
You can just say it

give him time
Says a whisper of compassion
Yes, even now, there is compassion
he needs time to mend himself
take this seriously
everything else has checked out*

You learn your lessons in high speed
But I certainly wish
It wasn't just because
You're waiting for me to pay the bills
I'd pay them either way
Have I ever been anything less
Than fair?

C'mon. Spit it out.

There's a deep shock
In your eyes
As I speak my mind
Relay my most painfull memories
Like it's a movie
And happened to someone else

There are details
And concepts
Within each story
That drive you on edge
You are in touch
With the fact that
It happened to me, your sister
But I'm not

I speak as though
I'm giving you
The plot summary
Of a horror story
That happens to be my life
The scream leaves your lips
"How are you so normal?"

*the mind is a powerfull entity

There's a gray mist
Playing in the still
Morning air
I follow her footprints
The girl running
Ahead of me
Dressed in white
Her long blonde hair
Playing on her sholders
I nearly catch
The back of her dress
She turns still
Slightly playful
And faces me
I stop in realisation
I'm trying to catch myself
Mischeviously she laughs
And runs off again

"I'm not comfortable with eye contact"
I informed him as I looked around.
The ******-analyst, he just smiled
We'll circle back to that later...
I allowed the images to replay
Flow from my mouth
Like water falls flowing
Through the gap between my lips.

He kept his gaze on his notes
This chair is uncomfortable
Or maybe it's because he chose my seat...
Like a water dam that broke loose
In the depths of my mind
I remember the words
"If you **** yourself, I'll **** them all"
So I lived, saved lifes each night.

I made no attachment to whether they knew
They owed me nothing
Because they never knew...
So today I spoke out the past.
Not to earn up your obedience
But to make you recognize
That your temper has nothing on me.

Spill your guts and spit out your anger
My beloved sisters, but never...
Never talk down to me
I earned my bars and payed all of our dues.
I robbed you off your comfort zone
You're no longer the fittest
Does that mess with your self-esteem?

Well then you should not have
Based your self-value
On conquering cotton *****.
I'd honor your suffering
If you only had the *****
To honor mine.
Cry out your tears and take that tone
I dare you.
You're in the process of learning
To respect the hardships of others.

This is the other side of compassion.
It's called tough love.

What's your type?
I question I never understood
I've turned down
Perfectly eligable bachelors
I've taken up a second date
With unbelievable fools
They were all different
The fools lost strength
Over time and space
The bachelors kept coming around
But I kept my head
I have no type
Whether it's good or bad
I still just go with my gut

But then one day
Like a thunderstorm
From the blue
I heard the words
*She? She wants a man she can respect

Intelligence is measured by many things
In fact there are many ways to be intelligent
I may not be able to solve a mathematic issue
To save my life
-ok if I really tried-
But I will always understand emotion
And strive to understand it's rootcause
In fact, emotions are such as the Tao
Extremely simple.
It would however take bravery
To be honest with one's self
To be fair
To find the right answers

The right answer is not always the same as the correct answer. Always do what is right

There's very little compassion
In the correct answer
There is very little humanity
In the correct answer
So choose the right answer instead
For above anything else
Are you not human too?
So in the end
If you truly want to understand something
Persuing it, will increase your intelligence
Depending on which field you choose.
Take the time to understand
Take the time to be wrong
Forgive yourself through
Your mistakes
Live within your love
You know, the one you have
For yourself

This will increase your intelligence.

I sat there in rapid conversations
With you as I came to realise
That I'd trust you with my life
Like many would've trusted me
With theirs.
A sting of guilt scratches
The surface of my heart
And the hypothetical question appears

what happens to you when you trust someone with your life

You feel safe?

so then would you feel braver to do as you please

I understood where the sting came from.
It's all fine and dandy to give the compliment of trust,
But then be sure to honor that protector
By staying out of trouble.

It's been 7 years
Since you called me
After a year of silence.
You cried your tears on the phone
Drunk and hurt
I still don't know why I listened
Made peace out of my anger
But such is love between friends.

You arose from the flames
Like a raging phoenix
The woman I always knew
You'd one day end up being.
Now the mother of a 3-year-old
The girl who learned
To love herself unconditionally.
You have become the Dragon, the Lion
My personal hero.

The woman I never fully understood
You could become.
But there was a fierce strength in you
As you handed me a small box
Containing two necklaces, two halfs of a heart
And instructed me to give one to my best friend.

I guess my anger must have
Fully healed and made place
For reverance and respect.
I found the box and the necklaces
And as I sat there wondering
Why I never gave you the other half
I receive my answer in the form of humility
I should have believed in you
It's been 7 years...

You see I was not punishing you
I was punishing myself.
I take a deep breath that unburdens me
Tell you the things I never spoke out
To anyone else before
Let your gentle heart heal me
I let you make me better again
Like only you could.

So we start over
At the end of a bad year
I hold the box before you
"Do you remember this?"
Your eyes were blank
So I opened it
And handed you the other half
"It always belonged to you anyway;
You are the Raging Phoenix
Unhindered by the tallest flames
And I see you now"

It's not you
It's me
Well actually it's him

It's not me
It's you...
It's him really

It's really the girl
Who won't tie herself down
To the bad nor the good

It's the girl
Who seduces him
And then runs off

The one that says things like
"It all made sense in my head"
Nothing makes sense when you're not here

I know you can sustain me
But I don't want your money
Nor the status

I know you think
You need me
But we have only needed each other for one thing:

To learn
Principals and diciplines
That's all it ever was

it ain't proper*
I think to myself
As I watch you
In all your sereen authority.
I listen to your quiet low voice
And cover my smile
With my hand leaning closer to the computer screen.
Got my feet firmly on the ground
But nothing degrades
Your natural grace.
I'm not a fool about it
I just like to watch you
And I think you
May have noticed.
The cracks on your face
That form friendly lines
Around your eyes
Do not diminish your natural light.
I look away as a blush
Decorates my cheeks
And of course
You saw that.
There's a sweet twinkle
In your eyes
Of a man that just received
An unexpected compliment
That must've been so far
From appropriate it made you grin.

I'm getting back to work.
This is embarassing...!

My body is sore
There's a stinging headache
My gut turns but nothing comes out
My immunity is next to nothing
I've been sick and tired for months

I fall asleep in class
The teachers call me Diezel
Takes a while to warm up
My memory is blank
Yet I can't sleep during the night

I woke up
I woke up with my clothes on?
Why?
Was I going somewhere
There's more than the obvious
For a difference during day and night
The panic attacks start again
And you're now stalking me

It's been 11 years
Should've been declared healthy
What's happening to me...?

The memories didn't creep in
But years later
What are the triggers?
If only I could connect the dots
The statute of limitation has passed
Couldn't prove it if I tried

A whisper in the wind
Sets the record straight
Rely on karmic laws and heal
Let it come and go

Abuse is never about the action of abuse
Abuse is about power
smile
I'm already a winner...
I'm still here
Alive and thriving
And guess what?
I'm doing great!

You never broke me
I can only be broken by myself
So relish is your failed attempt
I'm still stronger
Than anything you could've done to me
Your crazy didn't infect me

So keep it all
Keep your fond memories
Of everything you did to me
I'm still standing
Keep your denial
You and I both know the truth
It won't eat me up inside
But perhaps it will **** you one day

That's going to be a beautiful day.

Like lego blocks
But something stronger
Perhaps more like titanium
Such is the Vessel

Nearly indestructible

Carefully planned and executed
Only pulled down
By it's past mistakes
A simple apology could do

Someone once said
The soul is the boss
So is the body perhaps
Much like a ship?

The soul is the captain
Only held back by its passed mistakes
So keep a weather eye on the horizon
The clouds may come rolling in

But the Lighthouse is within you

You never touched me
Yet I can feel you close by
As strongly as if
You had done it many times before.
The past life regression
Takes me down the path
Of 17 challenging lifetimes
In which you were
The apple of my eye
In all your forms and tempers
Now I know we messed up
As I listen to your trembling voice
In the other side of the phone
I met you 3 years ago
Yet it's the first time I hear it
Your voice, low and hollow
As that of a man
Who has been torn and battered
And grew stronger in the wrong way.
Yet it is firm when you say

I never stopped looking at you. I just couldn't take it anymore

The pull was just as strong on this side of the ocean.
Now it will never work out
The way we imagined
And it doesn't have to.
We have always been stronger
Together than we ever were apart.
Know that I don't blame you
I say to you in the softest tone
A sigh of releaf
I know what I did
That's all I needed to know.
I've walked in your shoes
They fit me just fine.
But I hope you felt all the blisters
As you walked in mine.
I know we'll always pull through
I smile as all the Messages
Fall in their rightfull place.
I was never lied to
Not in the spiritual realms
You've fixed what you broke
I'm more whole now
Than how you've ever known me.

I'd kiss the palm of your broken hands
But that would mess you up ever more.
When you're ready, I'll be there
And you'll always be right here
In my heart.
Just not in the way we imagined.

The day was suddenly cut in half
Somehow felt like it would.
"You can go home you know"
I shrudded my sholders and went.
As I took a seat in the bus
The whispers came around again.
go to the city
As it presented me
With a shopping list
That included everything
I always forget to buy
And then realise I don't need it that badly.

It agreed with my own reason
So then as I sat in the metro
I was presented with
The least efficiant solution:
Get off on the next stop
Who am I to argue?
hold your head high my child
You are making no sense
But sure...
And you know what?

I run in to you boys
More often than anyone
I've ever known.
Not even remotely surprised
I was being ignored
Nor was I in the slightest
Bothered by the girl
Who walked beside you
And glared at me for looking at you.
Who casually ignored my existance.

I don't really care much
About any of that
But for once it would be great
If you whisperers would stop
Leading me to these people.

The answer comes
In a form of a firm
*no