She had that "impress me" vibe over her.
If only she could be impressed by anything I knew about.
If only she cared of my dazzeling good looks.
And my smooth lines.

If only I could make her head turn.
But she never looked.
I could never say anything
That stirred her heart.
She was that conquest we all wanted
But could never have
So we never admitted to really wanting her.

she's not that easy, she's too smart

And boy was she ever smart.
Nothing I could do, surprised her.
She was one step ahead.
So I took her down, like a good sportsman
Or hunter who takes down a gazelle.
But she never quivered.
She never admitted that anything I had done
Really impacted her.

She smiled like statues smile
She looked right through us
Like an x-ray scanner
And we felt small
Insignificant.
And we took distance
She was the only thing
I could never figure out completely.
She was the hero
Who never showed her face
And Villain who never told anyone
She had a beautiful heart aside a beautiful face.

The illusion of a woman was embodied within her.

never raise your children, the way your parents raised you

Mum I know you said
That we'd be striktly professional
But I have to admit
I really wasn't
And you have to understand
Neither were you.

I respect your father's approach
But perhaps it will help
If you understand
That I will not become
More obedient
When you take things away.

I will become more resilient
In my approach to get what I want.
Now perhaps this made you
More willing to obey
But it only made me rebel.

I only wanted to do
All the things the other maids didn't.
Should've been easy enough
For you as my boss
In a work place
Where everyone complains.

All late shifts
Work each weekend
Clean the apartment
I know all the other girls
Hated that
But I liked my job.

"We're making you a supervisor

The tendency
That came forth was:
If you're happy
I will change that.
Is it easier now
That I quit?

You were just like any other girl
Such a strange way to meet you
Saw you at a concert, Dimmu Borgir
My heart leaped, like I knew you
Nearly screamed "hi"
Oh wait, I don't know you

or do I?

Slowly start the rumors
There's a new girl in the scene
She's got puffy hair and a doll face
Loves Finnish people
Never seen Turks in the metal scene
I uncovered all the intriques for you
All the lies and stories
I'll cover for you girl

And did we ever cover for each other
Team
-Third degree concussion
"It was just bad luck"
Stayed by your bed for three days
-Mum kicked me out
Stayed with you for a week
-must've drank too much
The earth is turning
Must've smoked too much
The earth is turning
The scent of Agent Provocateur
By my side
-"you can't give me a fine!
I have diplomatic immunity!"

And nobody quite understood
Your OCD like I did
Spent hours, days, weeks, months, years
Tryingto fix you
Your crazy never held me back
unconditionally
4 years later, you're a normal girl
Two weeks apart, all undone

Two weeks apart
And I'm a hotmess
The lights went out
The world went dark
The fire went out
Dynamic Duo undone
You're a hotmess
Tears shed over air waves
Your voice through Skype

"It's a strange relationship"
Said your psychologist
"I've never seen two friends
So in tune with each other"
I have my heart full
Of fond memories
We lived a lifetime in 4 years
And we made it all count

You've been gone for years
We grew up
My heart's still full
And as I tell myself
It's all gone
I nearly hear you squeaky voice
As I read the text

*Last night I got drunk and watched all our videos. Happy birthday. I love you

There I stood
About to join the back of the line
As our eyes met
You were the tiny guy
Looking quickly
From the corner of your eye
Almost like you had no right to.
I briefly made note
Of the shy glare
You threw at me
As I struggled with
A whole new warderobe
And some daring lingerie
For the hell of it.  

As I stood chatting
With the colorfull cashiere
It hit me: you're Kevin
The memories came flooding back
You and your brother
Chauffered us around
For a brief while
In the summer of 2007.
I always wondered
How someone with
A severe growth disorder
Managed to stay
So incredibly sweet.

You were always a good boy
5 years older than me
And 15cm smaller than me
Your brother always
Protected you from harm.
But now tell me...
Were you embarassed
When we played
"Pass the ice cube"
And I kissed you full on the mouth?
Understanding full well
That that was your first kiss.
I wasn't making fun of you
I merely felt that someone
With a heart like yours
Should've been kissed
A long time ago.

There's a word in Finnish
To describe an intetion
That could be translated
Only by using a combination
Of several English words.
"Sisu" means to endure,
To presevere, to be dauntless
And infernally stubborn.

As I sit in this modern train
Feeling the rails below me,
I watch the snow
That gives everything around me
A softly curving silhouette.
The cold bites in to my lips
Yet it is compassionate
In its dryness
And never cuts me to the bone.

I listen to the language
That gave my mouth
It's sharp edges
And it's gentle caress.
As I stroll around
These streets that were build
By the bare broken hands
Of our suppressed forefathers,
I come to sense
It's deepest truth of who they were.

Our fathers build houses of wood
And cut railways in to solid granite.
These men and women
Build homes that could go up in flames
And infrastructures that could last generations.
We have always worked for the future.

I think of my brother's words...
didn't you memorize the land marks?
I did... and I realise
That in this country we survive
On our memory of how to get back home.
If you lose your way, you die.
If you get cold, you die.

But maybe what these
Children that were born and raised
Under the watchful eye of Sisu
Need to come to understand
That we are no longer
Fighting to survive...

We are fighting to allow
The warmth of our hearts
Come out through our lips
And become visible
Even to those who no longer believe
That we posess such heat.

There's a house
On the hill
A run down cottage
And the door
Is never locked
I'll be right here
Through wind and rain
Smiling at you
When you return
Helping you
Pick up the pieces
There's a box
Full of lost items here
I keep them for you
If you want them back
One day
Life goes on, Love
And that's fine
You have yours
And I have mine
But nothing
Will take away
My love for you
It is nothing physical
For love cannot be
Expressed physically
It flows from my heart
To each one of you
How you deal with it
Is entirely up to you
But I'll be here
If you want to.

They said to let it go,
The whisperes did.
I let it go like they said.
You still rub salt in to my wounds.
But progress is made in small steps.
And I realised something;
One never truly moves on
Until the anger has made way
For acceptance and reconciliation.

And surely, when I see
The lisence plates
One white,one yellow
And a steerling wheel on the wrong side
I no longer think of you.
I think of a sketchy Scot
I got to know on a poetry site.
I smirk and wonder what he is up to.
My anger made way for nicer associations.

And when I smell acrylic adhesive
I no longer think of you;
I think of the bus ride
I took every morning
To go work for a dentist.
And when I walk through the lobby
I wonder what the girls are up to.
Healing takes time...
But much like the Yin
It moves slowly and diligently.
I take a deep breath...
It feels like I can breathe again...

It feels like Love is kinder
Slower and more gentle with me
This time around...
His energy is sweet
But not co-dependent.
And it's ok, if it doesn't work out.
You are lovely to watch
Even on a bad day.
Fear has made way
For respect and reverance.

The snow that once left soft curves
On top of everything ugly,
Had melted away
The world was full and empty at the same time.
Everything was solid yet up in the air
It felt like anything could happen.

There was nothing here aside
From a clean slate.
You know the kind, you never wanted.
A smile of contentment for things left behind
And a sting of sorrow for the things
You weren't ready to lose.

Suddenly the world was full of everything
You had always neglected about yourself.
There was air, the cold kind, that hurts your lungs
Empty of a warm promise yet full
Of a truth, kindly smiling at you.

You smile back, in realization
Life so bleak, suddenly looks
Like clouds are lifting
Warm air heading your way
Touching skin sadly neglected

The road stretching beyond reach
Leaving the truth far behind
Like yesterday's past
The snow that once left soft curves
On top of everything ugly
Now fades into a distant memory.

How rude of you
To invade my still mind
Like a blast
Of all colors
Heating up... Well everything.
Was that crude?
My bad.
I can only express it
The way it comes out
Keeping me from sleep

How rude of you
To be so unavailable
So untangable
How rude indeed
Of you to come in to my mind
Like it's yours to keep
I have not pledged
Loyalty to you
To my great dismay.
Might you be indeed
As gentle as I imagine you to be

How unfair of you
To be all that you are
Continuesly out of reach
Your mind might be genious
But I'll never know
Such is life
Can't always have what I want
When I want it
Wish I could wait
But I can't
Too cute

I've come to resent
The scent of unbleached cotton
On acrylic adhesive.

What is this?
The musician invasion?
I wonder as you ramble
On and on
Both tearing yourself down
And pulling yourself up.
I just need to fix up
Your ****** resume
So you can get a job.
A haircut wouldn't be bad either.

We go through all your options
I refer to my brother in law.
Once a hungry musician like you.
"You know he plays for Angels of Petrus"
Your eyes jump out of their sockets.
"...and he told me that most of them work remotely, like the guys from Korpus"
There's admiration in your eyes.

And yet after I ditched you
And got on the bus
30minutes later
I see a dude wearing a shirt
That spells out the name
Of your band.
I roll my eyes a chuckle.
Here you sit in awe of me
Knowing the guys
Who's music you admire.
Yet have no clue who you are to your fans.
Humility has it's limits.

I guess I should be happy
I got the job I wanted
I got a warm home
Back with family
It all looks great on paper...
I guess it was all great before too...
It wasn't that bad.
So what pushed me off the edge
Why did I run off?

I guess I just got tired
Of seeing you.
Not seeing you.
Not understanding.
The subtle hints
And all the contradictions.
Everything I thought I wanted
Embodied within you.
The one I couldn't have.

Wonderfull, you're back.
The offer is upgraded this time
Now you're actually trying
To have a real conversation
Before you try to get in to my pants
It's not going to happen
You were so bad
I wanted to regrow a *****
And convert in to a nun.
Let's not revisit that.

Later on...
I sat out with my sister
Watched him check out the goods
You're cute, come here
But then your friend
Started looking
No. No. No.
I wasn't looking at - aaargh.
Oh boo!
Why do the Gods hate me?

Can't date you
You're too old
And my body goes tick tock
Can't date you either
Because regardless
Of your fleeting interest in me
My best friend
Is in love with you.

And you.
I wouldn't date you
*** you're a ****.

All your siblings died in the war
Just you and your baby sister left.
You crossed oceans
To feed your family
Surviving mother and a little girl
Who would later be diagnosed
With multiple sclerosis

What kind of father you must've been
Women always let you down
Wouldn't walk your own daughter
Down the isle
It wasn't proper, pregnant and all
That boy is no good anyway.

That boy is my father
And for all intents and purposes
You were right
"She never told me what he did to her"
Yeah I know, I wouldn't have
Told my father either.

Still haven't told my father
And I don't think I'll bother anyway.
But no matter how torn
My relationship is to my father
And how many times he let us down
In all aspects,
I still hear your voice,
I still remember your scent
I still know your laugh

Grandfather said
Don't fight with your sisters
I'm old, I won't be here
To look after you for long.
My heart's giving up
All you have is each other,
Take care of one another.

You said that after all the money
Is spend and gone
Don't count on an inheritance
Your father's companies are sold or bank rubbed.
There's nothing left for you.
You may never be rich
But you'll always be intelligent.

We sat together you and me
You smelled like the pipe
And I wore my pink summer dress
You asked me questions
Taught me wisdoms
You made a philosopher out of me.
Let that be my inheritance from you.

Once we walked in the sun
Where the fragrant flowers
Were obvious, nothing special
The sun burned our skin
And we streched our wings
God was ever present
And smiling upon us

Yet somehow in the shadows
Of a tree in the country side
A beast grabbed us
How it ever came
To walk among us
Is a peculiarity
A curiosity that swallowed us whole

We lost faith
The Light is a dream for the naive
The beast is the toughest reality
In which we relish
In order to not get dumbstruck
As it devours us
Digging it's claws in to our skin

Stay faced with that reality
We weren't unlucky
We were faced with truth
The Light is just a distant dream
You know, for the naive.
Here the candles burn
In all their medival splendor.

Here rest the heart-shaped lockets
That hide a watch within them
As it numbly ticks away
Counting our time
In the place where
Time over distance
Is merely an expression
Because nothing ever changes here.

But there's Light somewhere
We smile as we think back
Resting assured that it will never come back to us.
It's a distant dream.
You know, for the naive.

But we're no fools.
God saved us once
Yet we've stayed within this abyss
Of the marks that were
Cut in to our skin
Because this is reality.
And it will hit us as we enter the Light.

*but there are hands reaching out to us, never giving up. Not even after we gave up on ourselves. They know the true meaning of "naive". Which is what we are as we sit helplessly in the dark. It's a naivety in it's own right as Light is a reality in it's own right

The darkness is treacherous
There's beauty here
All the things
We've gathered around us
Mere reminders
Of when that heart-shaped locket
Was hung around our necks
As a compliment of being loved.

In this we relish too.
The beast sits in the corner
Content that it's dark here.
Content of the care
You've devoted to it.
The love you've bestoved upon it.
You write the letter
To the ones who await for a word from you.
There's a pillow
Where the wood planks
Stand angeled across each other.

We stay calm
We know our limits.
We know how far we can go
Before we awaken the beast.
One loud noise
And it will open it's eyes
And send it's roar
In to the night.

We know it will not harm us
It will only harm itself.
And so each day
We recondition it
To know that a roar
Is just a roar
And not all men
Who carry sticks
Use them to hit you.

*caring for the beast is love and light in it's own right. For all things that were build to protect us, will one day come to hinder us.
"Love melts all blockages and transforms all life"

law of karma: energy will repeat itself untill we learn our lesson

I had never been afraid of you before
You were tall and strong
You had always been good to us
But the events of that summer
That were in no way your fault
Had left deep marks within me
I had now come to fear
The man who so willingly
Took care of us
Out of love for my mother
You were 2m10
The sight of you drove me on edge

And then playfully you snuk up on me
Grabbed me and roared
I had never been spooked before
I cried out of the depths on my heart
Fragile as I was,
I lost my trust in you entirely
It was in no way your fault
I barricaded myself in
Registered each scent
So I'd always know
Who is behind me
And even now
I could pick out anyone
Just by scent.

In a flash your face changed in to someone else, who I had come to resent

PTSD is a *****.

The similarities keep piling up.
He was about your size
The scent still haunts me
But what the hell
It really wasn't that bad!
I guess his actions
Spooked me too
And I lost my trust entirely
It was never his fault
My reptile brain screams
While pointing at him
Incriminating him of things
He has never done.

It all makes sense now.
I always knew it was me
Not him
I just didn't know how.
Willingly I clear him of all charges
It was just a game
And I didn't win
And that's ok.
I was never a sore loser
Just in flight
Of the monsters roaming wild
Inside of me.

please forgive me for doing all the things you never understood. Please know that neither did I. With a warm smile, I sent this out to your soul. It was never your fault. I knew it then too, I just couldn't figure it out

It hurt, it always hurt
But when it was with them,
It wasn’t so bad.
It wasn’t even bad, it was addictive.

In the world of unlikely friends
People like them
Were the equivalent of a shot of Jack
After a ****** up day or week.

Then he smashed that glass on my face
And forced himself on me.

He shoved his fingers in my ***
So hard I came.
Later that week he watched
Me get wet through my trousers,
In the mirror behind me.
All that from just a conversation.

And if it had been anyone else,
I would’ve kicked them out.
It was hardly a question of being unable to defend myself.

But in their hands
Pain and pleasure slept in the same bed.
In my bed, between my legs
And made out till dawn.

If it had been anyone else,
Heads would’ve rolled.
But he just gave me a painkiller
And rubbed benzodiazepine on my skin.

And somewhere between
Them pulling my hair
And threatening me
You know to make it feel more real

I fell in love...

"It's nice what they did with the front page"
He said and handed me today's paper.
I opened it by my desk at the office...
The cover spoke of a strike by the Union of Independent Pilots
In the Transdimensional Tunnel
Between Earth and several exoplanets.
I laughed and felt the glow in my heart.

As I flipped the page
The paper went on about 136years of successful recycling
And the importance of re-using materials
It would seem that we are running out
In the year 2130, even after all our conquests to 60 other planets
Now fully functioning as a part of the Intergalactic economy.

It spoke of intergalactic love
And meeting a beautiful alien on the train
It spoke of tolerance
And a brighter future
Where we progress and learn from our mistakes.
It spoke of our plans succeeding
And a humanity which prevails
A humanity which thrives.

It spoke of survival and joy
It spoke of every day problems
Which we have come to realise,
Are so typically human
It spoke of how clumsy we are
And how adorable we are that way.
It spoke of acceptance of who we are as a race
And how much we have to offer.
It might aswell have said
*I believe in humanity

One can only feel love
To the exact extent they
Have succeeded in loving themselves.
Not because others will not love us more
Than we love ourselves,
But because we will only
Precieve love to the exact extent,
We have succeded in loving ourselves.

"You are mine" he said
"No I'm mine" she said relentlessly
It wasn't to tell him
She was her own person
It was to tell him
To stop controlling her

For if the love is true
Do we not want to have and hold
Our partner, soul, mind, body
But perhaps the problem
Was in the eternal checklist
The "how do I keep her" list

What jobs do I have to fullfill
To keep her with me
How do I give her what she needs
Without having to give up myself
And I guess that's ok
Be our own person

All of us need to have a sense of who we are
But what when who we are
Is not what our partner wants
Her body comes home to me
And stays loyal
She's his, his status
The girl everyone wanted

Just enough effort in bed
Just enough effort around the house
Just enough kisses and hugs
Just enough meaningfull conversations

He will never get lost in her
He will never ask her to speak her mind
He will never tell her to be who she is
The money is spent on various things
Given from the heart
Or was it ego?

"Mommy I want to be just like you"
You snorted and looked up from the sewing machine:
Do you want to be poor?
But Mummy I never knew poverty
I never compared my clothes to other kids' clothes
Because you had perfected
The art of making them yourself
And perhaps you could not afford a babysitter
So we went bellydancing together
I remember I was 7
We got to play basketball and football
Practice swimming and Taekwondo
And maybe there were times when things weren't so easy
But you always gave all you had
Carried the world on your sholders
With your head held high
You let me walk freely against all your instincts
Because it was the right thing to do
Pulled me back right on time
And trusted again, like nothing had gone wrong
Fought for my honor like a fierce lioness
Forgave me my mistakes
And shielded me from the worst
Never gave up on our broken relationship
So when I say:
"Mommy I want to be just like you"
I mean I want to Love Unconditionally just like you
And maybe all parents do blame themselves
For everything possible and indeed, impossible
But I don't blame you and I cannot thank you enough

It's like a dream
That one re-occurring dream.
You know, the kind
You don't want to
Wake up from.
Just turn around
Pull the covers up
And hope it comes back.

Somehow it takes my breath away
Leaves me speechless
My face is an open book
And you never launch
To attack it's contents.
You just allow it to be
Anything and everything it is.
It's takes grace, fearlessness.

I know, to many people
I come off as Thunderstorm
Yet somehow I feel like
You're trained eyes
See through all of that.
Like there's a kinship with the likes of you.
And can't deny any of that...

So to be safe and fair...
I'll sit here quietly
I swear I won't talk...
As long as you promise
To continue to never attack
My contents
Even if you can see them
Where no one else can.

Don't talk of that
Which is so obvious to you.
And I won't talk of that
Which is so obvious to me.
Never touch my skin,
And I'll never touch yours.
Keep it on the down low
No one gets hurt.

some people don't know that they are controlling

Would I? Myself
Want to controll another?
Only if I needed to controll myself.
Only if I didn't trust
That my life was safe and secure.
Only if I had something
Left to lose.
What's the harm right?

Right!
The harm is
That you become responsible
For another's happiness
Do not change others
Let them be who they are
Let them be what they are
If it doesn't serve you
Keep them at bay
For you are the only one
Responsible for your own happiness.

Accept others in to your life
And only ever ask them
To make themselves happy.
And never forget
To make yourself happy too.
Because that's where
Consistent joy lies
You have the power
To choose your own path
To some extend
And then comes the soul.
the soul is the boss*

Do not stop
To ask others to suit your needs
You have to suit your needs
What others do for you
Is their own choice
And when it's good
It's the deepest expression
Of how much they love you.
That is true love
And it is as vast as time.
Allow it in to your life
And you will see
Miracles manifest.

If there was a world that I could hold in my palm, I would gift it to you.

But that would not please you.

If there was a book, that contained all the words for Love, in all expressions in the universe, I would lay it by your feet.

But that would not impress you.

If there was an act of respect and reverence, the way I feel it, I would perform it.

But you would not want it.

Nor would I find it adequate in what I'm trying to say.

In the end I would not do any of the above...

Because the only way, I ever got through to you, was through a simple kiss... through the touch of my hands and the words within my soul, too complex for the human mind.

So I guess, I'll simply kiss you, knowing, that that has always been enough.

I did not learn
What you wanted me to.
However I touched your pain
Took it in as my own.
Carried it for a minute or a moment
The kind that feels like forever.
I shed your tears through my own eyes
And whispered the words,
The very same words that
Were the first ones to escape my lips
As I was an infant.
thank you
Thank you for sharing your pain
The same way, my pain was shared to you.
I would never see the world
The way you did
Unless I looked through your eyes.
I will not burden myself
With the hell that has been reintroduced to me.
I do not deserve such pain.
Nor do you.
So I will let it pass along
Like water under the bridge
And continue to love you
From the depths of who I am,
From the heart I share with you.
Turn my suffering in to gratitude
And send my wish in to the universe
To some day, kiss your hands and dry your eyes.

There's a moment of orderly silence
Well calculated and planned silence
Before you allow your eyes to cross mine.
You know I'm going to look away
But you also feel my eyes following you
As you pass by without looking at me.

you sure are beautiful
I think to myself
As I bend a paper clip
Out of it's intended shape.
There's a cool calmness
And a fear of my heart imploding
In to my chest.
It's just lust

I don't mind and I'm not giving in
take the high road
The whisperers tell me
And I'm intending to
But I know my posture gives me away.
Aware of my youthful mistakes
The very same ones
You never make...

You never speak directly at me
You always address someone else
But I know that you know
That I know.
And when no one's watching
You allow your eyes to wander
Always taking a moment
To gaze in to my eyes
As to challenge me.

I rarely respond... on purpose.
And if someone ever asked me
If you had made a pass at me
I could never come up
With any solid argument
Even if I wanted to give you away.
And it's not like you started it.
It's also not that you would not have ended it...
It's just that I'm a horrible liar
And you know that.

There's dirt on me
The bruises you left on me
Will not come off
The cocoa you made
Somehow always tasted different
how did your mum run out of sleeping pills
Much did I know
That **** ended up in my cup
The stinging headaches
Presistant stomachaches for weeks
My hairline hurts
There are black bruises on you
even while high as a *******,
I still fought back
Your fingerprints in blue of my throat
Never blue enough to really notice anything wrong
Insomnia when you weren't there
it's three AM again
The images flash by
Calmly I observe the memories
While my body shuts down
Coldsweat, nothing's real
I know what's happening to me
A new wave of recollections
Of the sickest kind
The tears run down
If only I knew why
Where did the blood come from
There's a cut in my skin
That wasn't there yesterday
Get the scent of ****** off my hair
The ***** off your sheets
Calmly you ignored my amazement
Knowing I remembered nothing
Of what you did to me last night.

There was something here before
A kind of residual light
I held within my heart
Under the caress on my palms
There was a preseverance
Despite all the attacks on my persona
The abuse that was addressed to me
And the cold hard impact of your hand
On various parts of my withering body
There was a freezing rage in my voice
As I promised you to one day
Provide the hand that kills you.
Never corner a scared animal
It is more likely to fight
Than to ever take flight
Don't worry, I won't flee
I'm however not so kind as to **** you
Odds of you suffering are higher
Once left alive
Stop approaching me
I won't be a lady this time around.

synrconicity, law of attraction and manifestation*

After the redundant
Courtcase I had this morning
Where I was cleared
Of all charges
Thank you very much
I ordered a coffee
In the center of the city
And for no apparent reason
I gaze out of the window
Right behind me.
I try to live in this moment
So there was no reason
For me to turn and look
But as I looked
I watched you pass by
Looking more bear-ish
Than I've ever seen you
I opened my mouth
As though I was going
To say something
Then realising
There's a window inbetween

I went about my day
Casually strolling
As I handeled my Nikon D3200
And as I turned to walk on
There you were again
Again I opened my mouth
As though I was going
To say something
Only to see that
You would not have heard me anyway

I believe all things to have
A purpose and a reason
Yet you're very existance
Only raises questions
That I could not voice
If my life depended on it.
I cannot explain enough
How deeply attracted I am
To your grumpy persona
But perhaps you only
Reflect me in this time and space
I have seen your soul before
And he's so much kinder
Than I precieve you,
The vessel to be.
Then do you go against yourself?
The soul is the boss
But then why do I upset you so much?
My relationship to your soul
Has always been clear and deep.
If only I could reconjure
The lifetimes that made it so.
I did not ask you to come to me
You came on your own accord.
78 lifetimes together
Says a whisper
But then why can't we
Level up now?

Thinking off all the subtle indicators
I heard it all before
Yet somehow I missed it
Failed to translate it in to my life
The neckpain suggested something
It was about a view or looking
She said I was so rigid
I was unyielding
Much did I know
I made you suffer
Wouldn't have done that today
Or in a million years
Suppose both of us learned something today

We call it the unshakable heart
It's meant to hold the fort up
When life collapses around us
You said I was too strong
In stead of asking
Why I had to carry it
I simply held on harder
Accepted it, trusted
Integraded it
Turns out that wasn't the point
You said it was no laughing matter
I made it harder on myself
Than it needed to be

The patterns were introduced
I followed them
To my best ability
I broke the outer layers
Believing it was the end
I was too obedient
To whatever was asked of me
A soldier to my soul

One after another
The same situations
I was never free
I faced another heart break
This time I faced my fears
Looked it in the eye
And allowed a world
To unravel before my eyes

And it sure is beautiful
Hidden within a black box
Lays a diamond
That can light up the world
When shared with others
For it is well understood
Within my weary heart
*That the one who holds the knowledge
Has the responsability to pass it on

Is some years someone will say
That Lily, she sure was a riot.
There's something to be said
About the vague mocking
I cast upon myself.
If it wasn't for my misfortune
I would not have had
Such dark sense of humor.
I'd rather put myself on the spot
Than give you the pleasure.

If there was a statue
For all the broken women
Would she smile?
I'm sure she would.
I guess I would, if it was me.

There's gratitude in the peace
That resides in my so called
Lonely home.
I'd rather kick back
On my own
Put my feet on the table
Than spend another minute
With a man
Who needs a trophy wife.
For I'm certainly no trophy.

So unpredictable
I can't tell what I'll do next.
My lips tear apart in speech
At the first sight
Of flawed logic
If not of you, then of me.
I'd smile, laugh and mock myself.

But the wounds are on the mend.
In the midst of the process
I'd only wonder
"Is it a witch burning or a burning witch?",
Is there love to be found
To cast upon my abusers
And how much suffering can I take
Before my mind collapses on itself
And I'm introduced to the padded room.

At fear of losing my mind,
I can only work harder
To regain my mental states
And hope that someday
I'll be free of the streams
That pull me away
For thinking straight.
I spill my guts
Sit through the cold sweat
And grind my teeth
Knowing, that someday I'll understand.

John, he said his name was John
I would not have given you
A second look
Let alone answer your mail
Had I not felt so drawn to you
It was beyond me
I'm seeing it happen all over again
I'm a little more humble
And a little more causious
But let me tell you a few things
About what your precious ego
Has accomplished
You've planted the seed of suffering
And you know it
How does your Guide feel about that?
It's easy to play a girl
When you know all the tricks
It's real easy to play a girl
With 20 years extra expirience
On utter stupidity
it is stupidity
Because you know how wrong you were
No need to text me now
I'm done, I'm so done
Take your ego and pride
And hold it dear, close to your heart
But don't come crying to me
When you stand before God
At a lower level than when you started
You lost too much virtue
And you're out of my hands
I cannot help you now

But I will tell you this
At the rate that I distrust
My own judgement and logic now days
As a result of the things you put me through
I may not be far away from you
And believe me
I will come at you for this

When life give you lemons
You make lemonade.
But at some point
Lemonade just won't do.

It doesn't sell well either.
So you get smart
And start making limoncello
And give those *******
What was coming at them.

A face that indicates
They took on more
Than they could handle
A gag reflex and sour taste in their mouths

A sweet twist that comes from
The smirk on your face
And if they keep messing with you
They won't be able to see straight
Let alone walk home unsupported.

He never hit me
She said and we believed it
Okay, that's fine
Relief and gratitude
It wasn't that bad...

Am I going crazy?
I remember the arguements...
And the black eye...
I remember them fighting
And the red marks on her cheeks

"My baby girl won't talk to me"
"Mom that's not your fault"
"I protected her
He was trying to hit her
She was just a child.
She went to hide under the chair"*

Speaking of the places we used to hide
The closet, under the table, behind the couch,...
Stop yelling
He came home drunk
And I went to sit on his lap
He pushed me on the floor.

She never snitched on him...
Her lips sealed tight
She never said a word...

In a room where Heaven kisses the Earth
I listen to a Saint speak of Compassion
A Rainbow arches gracefully in the distance
Visions of flowers before me
Hearts open up and allow Love in to their lives again.

My feet are wide because I like to walk bare foot :)
My calfs are wide and round because they are strong :)
My thighs are touching because they're in love. They are thick because they can carry me and nearly anything I want them to, including other people :).
My **** is big because I like it soft :)
My hips aren't wide because they carry me well the way they are :)
My stomach isn't flat because it's perfect the way it is and needs alot of love :)
My ***** are everywhere because they take up alot of space :)
My arms aren't trained because they can perform very detailed tasks :)
My back needs alot of energy because it's service is to carry me :)
My hands are scarred because they have enabled me to work hard :)
My nose is wide because it's devoted to it's job. It can pick out, register and remember anyone I know. :)
My hair seems thin because it grows very long, so long in fact that other people sit on it :) :)

Take the people you love the most
Those rare and special ones
Who you never thought you'd meet
The ones who make you feel safe
Like nothing can touch you
Open your heart to them
Allow to fill up on Love
Feel your heart
Just about to burst
Radiate the happiness
Let them love you back
Then look in to the mirror
And love yourself
As much as you love them

someone once said to walk away from that which no longer makes you happy*

I have lived my life
Obeying this wisdom
And I rarely miss
Those I walked away from.
Not because I stopped loving them
Not necessarily because I don't care
But I lost my attachment
Willingly and gracefully
And send them all the best
And hoped they would do well
For themselves.

But what about those few
Who never leave you
No matter how far you ran.
No matter how angry you were
Or how many reasons you had
To stay angry.
I've left situations that
I thought I would never dismiss.
Never looking back
Knowing I just did the impossible.
But what about those few
Who show up in my dreams
Greet my thoughts
First thing in the morning
And haunt me through out the day
Having less than enough reason
To stay in my mind?

What do you still have
To say for yourself?
Is it just that I never should've left
In the first place?
Is it a lesson the same way I teach them?
fine if you believe it to be true, let's test it
Am I now getting a taste of my own medicine?
If I truly believed I could just run off
And really leave it all behind me
As just a bad taste in my mouth?
The lesson being
That if I truly belief it to be true,
It must be tested.
And the universe threw all it's power on me
And gently caught me
As I caved under the pressure
Of my own stubborness.

What's there left to say now?
I can reason what I did perfectly.
It all makes sense.
I had no business in that business.
Except for your gracefull existance.
I had to follow my potential
Which is ironically going to waste
As I'm still not living up to it.
I had no space to co-exist in your life
Nor was it my place
I was just the maid
But ironically you still exist in mine.
And no matter how much
I wish you'd leave my
My mind, my dreams,
No matter how much I wish
To stop feeling that sensation
That turns in to an image of you,
It never ends.

*so please, just tell me what you came for. I'm tired of fighting, you won. Just tell me and I'll give in; just make this stop

how is she better than I
Loosely translates to
how am I better than her*

The truth is
That all is fair
In love and war.
So if they love you
Let the past be
What it is.
What we need now
May not be
What we needed in the past
It may not even be
What we will need in the future
It is merely
What we need in this moment.
And it is always perfect
Other wise we would not
Have chosen for it.
Unless we stopped thinking
With our hearts
And chose to think
With our minds
It's a list of pros and cons
And when has that
Ever been a solution
In matters of the heart.

I woke up to the sound
Of a slow guitar
I woke up to a hint in the air
Even now you haunt my dreams
I wish you would just
Leave me alone

I've known souls to travel before
And I've known souls to subdivide
But then why would yours
Hang around me?
Maybe it's a lie
Maybe it's true

Maybe there's too much
Resistance
Where there should only be
Desire
Maybe I've missed something
Maybe I've made mistakes

Anything I can think of
I can back up
But does it matter
If you sleep by my side
Every night
Without being here at all?

Maybe you made a mistake
I know that to be true
But then does it matter
If my heart takes a leap
At the thought of you

Why are you always alone?
The prevailing question
Since I was a little girl
Well it's not to prag
But I quite enjoy
My own company
Rarely miss people
Not because I don't care
But because it feels right
That they're not always there
That there would be times
When I didn't see them
Even the closest of friends
But then there are a few
Who I miss continuesly

So then is missing another
Just the sign
That there's something
Left to be said?

Remember those roses, deep red
Layed down all over my bed

How I invited you to follow, we should play a game
Something about a squirril and a rabbit, it was insane

Then between laughs and giggles I took the first chance I got
You bend over and I shoved the flowers up your ****

You screamed take them out, take them out
So I did, you roared, what are you whining about?

There's blood all over the place
White stains on your hair and face

And an odd sock, I'm missing one of those
Somehow it ended up on the stem of the rose

Momma is kind
Momma is soft
Momma held me close
She made the tears stop
She ended the hunger pain
With her own body
Momma said with a smile
"It's gonna be ok"
Momma said
"I love you baby girl"
She's my favourite in the world
She is the founding force
Of my very existence
She and my daddy.
She's the most beautiful woman
I have ever seen
I am her and she is me
So then I must be pretty too, right?
Momma is always right
Momma knows it all...
Momma looked in the mirror and said
"Oh God I'm ugly and fat, what does your father see in me?"

That old guy I know
That's you
I've watched you
Grow old and age
I always wondered
When your black hair
Would turn gray
It did eventually.
Why couldn't I have black hair?

Now you take
A whole arsenal of medication
And your kideys gave up
I bet your liver
Functions on pure anger
And you're only still here
Because you're too scared to die

I think I'd miss you.
Even though we share
A wide range of genetic information
You have never been around
Never reached out
Even though you could hear me cry
Never looked up
While I basically hung up side down.

I still love you
The only person I ever trusted
To never let me fall.
Granted you never saw me fall
Because you never
Wanted to look
That's ok
I never missed having a dad
I'm not even sure I know
What that means

I'm not resentfull
I know you enjoy my antics
That you love the crazy **** I pull
That I could tell you anything
Because you are probably worse
That I can make fun of you
Pins and needles
And that you know
That that's just me saying
I love you

Without ever really saying it
Because I know
That it would make you cry.
I know how hard it is for you
When I hug you
When I kiss you
When I curl up against you.
It makes you cry
Because it reminds you
Of  a time when you knew
You were worthy of such affection.

I just wish you hadn't
Changed your last name.
Now it's different from mine.

I remember the first time
I layed eyes on you
The cracks on your body
Were right there
It was like you wanted
Me to see them
On some level

I saw nothing in your eyes
And I was immediatly drawn to you
Yet I saw no indication
That you felt it too
It was never in your eyes
But it must've been somewhere
Since I heard the exchange

"Did you know she was here"

"no man!"

My heart leaped
But then I saw more than
I could handle
Couldn't get that stupid smirk
Off my face for a week
Couldn't approach you
Any other way
Than the way I did...

But then I was drawn in to a pit
And seemingly you put it there
That's what it looked like:
A trap
A trap for humiliation
And shame.
But in hindsight
It all looks like a big accident.

And I guess I don't blame you now.
Just wish I could read your mind.
Just wish I could leave it behind.
And I do assume that you did.
But then why do I keep running in to you.
On street, in my head, in my dreams.

You left a trace within me
And never even flinched.

Oh oh can you take me to the store
And can you put on Pantera
And blast it real loud
And then we could chat
And I'll tell you about my day
And you could sit there and listen
Oh oh can you put on a DVD
The one about the green oger
And the fairy tale creatures
We could watch it together
Doesn't that sound fun?

"Yes Dad that sounds great"'