I lost my job

you want to come over

yeah I think I do*

Haven't seen you in months...
Suddenly I see once again
How deeply you impacted me.
You're like a dock worker
But a girl, a fire fighter to be exact.
We're not that different;
I just conformed to expectations.

We speak like we always spoke.
You ground me
You always ground me.
The whisperers are on a roll
And you listen intently.
The house has a heart
The blue lines on your wall
Look like the arteries
And there's a warm beating heart at the foundation.

There are images projected
In the empty space
In your kitchen
And I'm in deep flow
Whispering past events to you.
There are jokes infused
In serious discussions
And a cause of hilarity
In our intoxicated distraction.

There's a playful fox
On the edge of my lips...
And a seed of trust
Embedded in our souls.
We add dimensions
To our reality.
Open up more.
Close our mouths more.
Like the Yin
We flow slowly but surely,
We dust oursrlves off,
We reach our goals...

But not today.
The beer is cold
And there's a border collie in my lap...

Let there be light
Within my heart
Let me learn to love
Myself and others all the same
Let those who broke my heart
Have a good life
Filled with soft lessons
And kind guidance
Just like it's there for me
Let me learn to be that
Soft voice, that kind guidance
When I really need to
Let the boys have a good season
And free me from
The grudges and the love
That fills my heart.
I have not deserved this burden
But I'll carry it with grace nevertheless.
Just show me that path
That makes it count for something.
Show me how to find balance again.

There was something here before
A kind of residual light
I held within my heart
Under the caress on my palms
There was a preseverance
Despite all the attacks on my persona
The abuse that was addressed to me
And the cold hard impact of your hand
On various parts of my withering body
There was a freezing rage in my voice
As I promised you to one day
Provide the hand that kills you.
Never corner a scared animal
It is more likely to fight
Than to ever take flight
Don't worry, I won't flee
I'm however not so kind as to **** you
Odds of you suffering are higher
Once left alive
Stop approaching me
I won't be a lady this time around.

nobody does it like you

Is it strange
To have all the women
You could ever dream of?
I know where you're at
You have no lack
Of playfull girls

But maybe it's just
That I was there
When you had nothing
Just a poor student.
And would be
If that were still true
With no care for your social status
Or account balance.

Before you spend your life
Going from hotel to hotel
Festival to concert
From Barcelona to Brazil
Before love became scary
And women became
Something to be cautious of.

Before we could google you
And find one flattering
Article after another
Of how you're the man
The young promising talent
A manager and agent
On the rise
With no prior expirience.

But the truth is
That we sat there together
Scared shitless
Fearing for poor attendance
And bad reviews.
That we excused you
To continue the tour.
Leave the rest to us.

I'll still be here if you crash and burn to put you back together and sort you out

Creating a problem
For every solution

That old guy I know
That's you
I've watched you
Grow old and age
I always wondered
When your black hair
Would turn gray
It did eventually.
Why couldn't I have black hair?

Now you take
A whole arsenal of medication
And your kideys gave up
I bet your liver
Functions on pure anger
And you're only still here
Because you're too scared to die

I think I'd miss you.
Even though we share
A wide range of genetic information
You have never been around
Never reached out
Even though you could hear me cry
Never looked up
While I basically hung up side down.

I still love you
The only person I ever trusted
To never let me fall.
Granted you never saw me fall
Because you never
Wanted to look
That's ok
I never missed having a dad
I'm not even sure I know
What that means

I'm not resentfull
I know you enjoy my antics
That you love the crazy **** I pull
That I could tell you anything
Because you are probably worse
That I can make fun of you
Pins and needles
And that you know
That that's just me saying
I love you

Without ever really saying it
Because I know
That it would make you cry.
I know how hard it is for you
When I hug you
When I kiss you
When I curl up against you.
It makes you cry
Because it reminds you
Of  a time when you knew
You were worthy of such affection.

I just wish you hadn't
Changed your last name.
Now it's different from mine.

The C-Pilot
You look just like all the other files
And yet you are different today
Because you're the only one left
The last one.

I watch him look at you
With appreciation and gratitude
He's joking about you
As though you were a woman.
I smile and ask him:

*Are you going to say the same
When the new order of C-pilots arrives?

The degree of our suffering depends mostly on our own responce to it - Guan Yin

why are you crying

If I hadn't suffered so much
Would I not have been happier now?
Would I not have been freer?
Would I now not be released of blaming you?

why did you suffer

Because they harmed me mother
They did me wrong
They took all that I gave
And turned in to soil

Is it your responsability?

It was my effort
My tireless effort
It was what I did out of love!
It was what I gave of myself!

And did you expect something in return?

No.
Maybe.
Yes.
Love.

why would they not love you? Do you have to serve others to win them over

I suppose that's really not
How it should be,
But mum how else will they
Ever love me for who I am?

are you not kind

I think I am

are you not sweet

Sure...

then why would they not love you?

To this I don't know
The right answer
Why do we love
Generally speaking?

*because it's within us. You can only love that within another if you find it within yourself. Love selflessly and you will be loved selflessly. Not because you will never meet those who try to abuse you but because you will stop needing them all together. Love yourself unconditionally and you will be loved unconditionally

it ain't proper*
I think to myself
As I watch you
In all your sereen authority.
I listen to your quiet low voice
And cover my smile
With my hand leaning closer to the computer screen.
Got my feet firmly on the ground
But nothing degrades
Your natural grace.
I'm not a fool about it
I just like to watch you
And I think you
May have noticed.
The cracks on your face
That form friendly lines
Around your eyes
Do not diminish your natural light.
I look away as a blush
Decorates my cheeks
And of course
You saw that.
There's a sweet twinkle
In your eyes
Of a man that just received
An unexpected compliment
That must've been so far
From appropriate it made you grin.

I'm getting back to work.
This is embarassing...!

Your speech slurs as you open up
The door of your 4 star hotel room
Poor balance nearly betrays you
I ask you if you need help
The lights appear in your eyes
Gratitude, someone cares

You are the queen on the night
Your clothes betray you
But not because you look cheap
Only because you feel cheap
Entertainer of "some sort"
Sweet, smiling Sue

What keeps that smile on you?
Is it the Cava you start your day with?
Your virtue scattered all over your room
In the shape of golden euro cents
Ashes and empty packs on the floor
How many did you have today
How many men?

Ironically, yet in no way surprisingly
There is laughter in this room
Lust and love
Love for the money
Love of the cylindrical shape you ride
... And vast loneliness.

Do you have friends to talk to?
Or do they run away
From the rythmical slurs
That leave your perfect lips
You are not broken over your job
Just a lonely girl
About my age...
Too young to be so lost

What gave, girl?
What gave?

I've watched life unfold
In this past month
I left my job the same way
I arrived to it
Like a thunderstorm
And I didn't regret it for a second

The questions are on replay in my head
What if I can't find a job?
What if I lose my apartment?
What if Iose everything?
I watched a friend
In the same situation
Her jaws clunching from pain.

Wish I could help
What if I could help?
Her pain radiated through me
And my tension levels rise
I check my account
Call off all the dentists
Tell her what to say
In order to get her way
They wouldn't do it
She cried. She never cries.

Well **** this if I can't even fix her!
I thought to myself
As I buried my face in my hands.

But then it all fell in to place
Like the Whisperers said it would.
Two job offers, starting on Monday
I'm saved!
I gave her the money
this is what you say to get your way
It all worked out.
Her pain stopped...

My relief spread through me rapidly
And I sighed my pain away.
All in one day
Sometimes life smiles at you
And what a beautiful smile it is.
And in that moment I noticed you...

The boy with dark eyes
Professor in engeneering.
I could do worse
I think to myself
As I check out your ***.
"You were right" I smiled
"That's more than I got out of my exes"

Oh I see. We've arrived at the ladder of comparaison
I smirk as I put your things in my bag
Because you asked me to hold on to them,
As a subtle indicator
That I'm more than comfortable around you...

In my minds eye
I always see you
Holding a girl
In your arms
In a relaxed manner.
I look at it
Not to torture myself
But to accept
That it must be true.
Yet as I look at it
The girl always turns
In to me.

The boy who took
Nothing from no one
How did we get here
I felt it coming
And charged head first
Why would I gamble
It's all here
All things I needed

All the things
I ever wanted to hear
Fluently leave your lips
You were never unreasonable
And
I get it all now, I read you now
We were so young
Who can blame us

I have your arms around me
And your hands where
They should be
Your lips on mine
And we're so drunk
You do all the things
I needed you to do

And yet I feel nothing
all I can think of
is unbleached cotton
*on acrylic adhesive

It's strange the things I remember
I could never really put it down
But it seems to make more sense
Now that I'm required to remember
Things I begged to forget

I wanted to remember the bad
And forget all about the good
Hoping I could put it passed me
And as my brain is an obedient servant
I forgot all the good and kept the bad

It's hard to see you any other way now

I can't remember my first schoolday
Just a few last ones
But I can remember my first word
It was "thank you"
Although I meant to say "please"

I can't remember the names
Of my classmates from primary school
But I remember that day we got lost
I was 3 years old
And how scared I was

Just like that I can't remember
How you made me feel
But I remember what you said
I can't remember what you meant
But I can see the letters appearing before me

Me, you, he, she, they we
Table, stool, cup, plate, tea
A green hill and a flock of sheep

I said there were 75 a pack
You counted 71,
And 4 watching your back.

Two months with you
I got lazy and fat,
Got a funny accent too.

Taught me french for a week or two
And multiplied numbers
5x5 is 25, threw a tandrum too!

And yer right, I shoulnd’t rearrange yer stuff.

All your siblings died in the war
Just you and your baby sister left.
You crossed oceans
To feed your family
Surviving mother and a little girl
Who would later be diagnosed
With multiple sclerosis

What kind of father you must've been
Women always let you down
Wouldn't walk your own daughter
Down the isle
It wasn't proper, pregnant and all
That boy is no good anyway.

That boy is my father
And for all intents and purposes
You were right
"She never told me what he did to her"
Yeah I know, I wouldn't have
Told my father either.

Still haven't told my father
And I don't think I'll bother anyway.
But no matter how torn
My relationship is to my father
And how many times he let us down
In all aspects,
I still hear your voice,
I still remember your scent
I still know your laugh

Grandfather said
Don't fight with your sisters
I'm old, I won't be here
To look after you for long.
My heart's giving up
All you have is each other,
Take care of one another.

You said that after all the money
Is spend and gone
Don't count on an inheritance
Your father's companies are sold or bank rubbed.
There's nothing left for you.
You may never be rich
But you'll always be intelligent.

We sat together you and me
You smelled like the pipe
And I wore my pink summer dress
You asked me questions
Taught me wisdoms
You made a philosopher out of me.
Let that be my inheritance from you.

As I sat there
Doing the same **** thing
All those who are in recovery do...
Watching tv, you know
When I'm not sleeping.
I stroked my arm
As I often do
Maybe just to check
That my skin in still warm
Or to have the sensation
Of feeling myself
I felt something I haven't felt in years.

I felt the round healthy curves
Of the bones on my shoulders.
And I felt my recovery
For what seemed to be
The very first time.
The mindsets were there
I'm looking forward.
I'm planning for the future
And although I occasionally feel weak,
I've come to have peace with that.

Recovery happens in small steps
So I just whisper it to myself
Through the cold sweat,
"Endure it... Baby steps..."
I soothe myself
Today I know what happened
Even though I don't know everything
I've come to know myself.
And I'm happy with who I am.

"I'm not comfortable with eye contact"
I informed him as I looked around.
The ******-analyst, he just smiled
We'll circle back to that later...
I allowed the images to replay
Flow from my mouth
Like water falls flowing
Through the gap between my lips.

He kept his gaze on his notes
This chair is uncomfortable
Or maybe it's because he chose my seat...
Like a water dam that broke loose
In the depths of my mind
I remember the words
"If you **** yourself, I'll **** them all"
So I lived, saved lifes each night.

I made no attachment to whether they knew
They owed me nothing
Because they never knew...
So today I spoke out the past.
Not to earn up your obedience
But to make you recognize
That your temper has nothing on me.

Spill your guts and spit out your anger
My beloved sisters, but never...
Never talk down to me
I earned my bars and payed all of our dues.
I robbed you off your comfort zone
You're no longer the fittest
Does that mess with your self-esteem?

Well then you should not have
Based your self-value
On conquering cotton *****.
I'd honor your suffering
If you only had the *****
To honor mine.
Cry out your tears and take that tone
I dare you.
You're in the process of learning
To respect the hardships of others.

This is the other side of compassion.
It's called tough love.

I lay in my bed
In the state
Between sleep and awake
Suddenly as clear as the blue sky
I hear your voice
Like whisper that comes
From out side
As though it really does
Reach my physical ear:
"Are you coming?"
Almost like you whispered
Because your soul knew
I was still sleeping.

Such are connections
I can hear your discomfort
And as I arrive to work
You tell me
That everything went wrong this morning.
But I knew that
Otherwise you would
Not have asked for help,
Would you?
And my energy
Would not have subdivided to you,
Now would it?

Normal
That's what you are before it happens.
Death is an abstract concept.
You may have thought about it.
You may have feared it.
But you never think
"Today I could die"

You never thought
Someone would violate
Your integrity
It was just an abstract concept.
You have thought about it
But never really felt it
You never thought
"Today someone might violate me"

But then it happens
I remembered nothing
There was an euphoria
Within me, like all was well
And a contradiction
Tells you to watch you step
hypervigilance

You make peace with death
You smile at it
if you have to have me, please be kind
You don't want it to hurt
So you learn to fight
And you learn to flight.
It's a brave new world

Things that nobody else
Sees as a problem
Send a panic through your gut
And you know it's not a big deal
but what if it is
what if it happens again
There's a new set of rules
As the adrenaline
Creates new pathways in your brain.
There's now a new set of rules
For what should be considered dangerous.

Her large eyes watched me
Preparing a meal for her
To ease her hunger
And a little unsure she asked me:
Why are you so nice to me?

I smiled because I understood
Know this my friend
You have nothing I want
I do this because I love you
And because I can.

I know I can't change the world
Although I truly want to
Each good deed sends waves
Across the universe
All I can do is empower you

Surely we must practice
What we preach
To do right by the world
But before anything else
We must learn
To preach the right things

That's all I wish of you
And I will help empower you
So that one day
When you are whole, learned and strong
You may do the same for someone else

Start with the small things
One day they will be big things
Hold on to the ones that fall
Pull a stranger in to safety
That's how you change the world.

I spend my time
Strolling back and forth
The shopping street
Not wanting to go home
As though there's something
To be found

I've watched a robbery
In a cigarette store
For the value of 17€
I smiled and tipped
The lady 12€ to help her
As she sobbed
Her fear away

I gave my coffee and a cigarette
To a homeless woman
And strolled around
Looking for the young girl
The homeless girl
With a puppy in her arms
Intending to dump out
My coin section in to her cup
As if the 7€ I gave her the other day
Wasn't enough

I've had lengthy conversations
With my cat
Who is not at all pleased
That we moved
He doesn't like
The new cats in this house
Mostly because he's scared
Continuesly complaining
That the water I gave him
Doesn't taste good
He wants a fountain instead

I've found all the Signs now
And I came to understand
That I did the same thing to you
As I did to the person who went before you.
The billboard said:
"Will we understand each other better?"
The ring that displayed an anchor
Whispered that I'm stuck
In still waters
I cried at the loss of you

If only I had understood
What I understand now.
And yes eye contact is still an issue
But maybe your eyes are not
That scary now
Maybe I'd spill all my emotions now
As though knowing
I cannot hide them anyway.
If only I had known better then.

People always asked us
Why do you girls
Always look angry
Sorry it's our resting ***** face.
But perhaps it was
More the fact
That we took nothing
From no one.

A few saw through it
And became friends for life.
But there was also you
The boy from my class
From elementary school.
Ran in to you periodically
On the school yard
In high school

You hugged me
You always hugged me
We never talked much
We weren't close
But you hugged me
From your heart
And so one day
I asked you why.

And you smiled
And reminded me
That when everyone
Picked on you
For having warts on your nose
I sat by your side
And told you
You weren't disgusting.

I forgot about it
But you learned deep compassion
And quietly returned it to me
When I needed it the most.
*thank you

I still remember
the last day we spent together
Last day of the 4 years
you walked by my side
You asked to wander the streets
I had to go to work
We parted ways and I was fine
Little did I know I made you cry
It just wouldn't hit me.

Two weeks after you left
I had my skype on
Curled up on my bed
Your voice come through
We cried and I said
"Please come home"
The Lights went out
Just me
Your voice
And the cold floor

2 months after you left
I'm working overhours everyday
The weekends are a big blurr
I talk to no one unless I'm wasted
Such profanities leave my lips
Sentences get tangled up
I cry in the arms of an old friend
He hardly recognizes me
I slur on
It's safe here

5 months after you left
Just one joint before I go home
I shouldn't be smoking
The pain suspends me midair
I have no controll of my life
Chivas goes down fast
This perfect combo puts a smile on my face
A senseless dumb smile

Everything stopped
All the thoughts
All the emotions
All the words
What feels like empty tears
Come without any triggers
black make up lines on my pillow
A raw voice sings me to sleep
I close my eyes and let the world spin

It's how you look at it...

I'm not a cleaning lady...
I'm Cinderella!

I'm not ugly
You're just not seeing my genious

I'm not crazy
My reality is just freaking awesome

I'm not fat
I'm soft

I didn't fail a well started carreer making poor choices
I learned deeper humility and service

Nobody is better or worse
There's no good or bad
There is only that
Which makes you
Happier and healthier
And that which makes you
Unhappier and unhealthier.
For the latter:
Your best weapon
Is a positive choice and attitude,
For this is in your control

If another person
Elevates themselves above you
It is only out of fear
To be run down.
If another person
Tells you that you are not enough
Then that is the exact same thing
They tell themselves
When they look in the mirror.
Are you going to let
Another person
Take away your power
To be happy and healthy?

There was a soft kiss
Playing on my lips
It was as real as
A streaming river dam
It was as real as
Soft pink cotton clouds.
It was nothing if not loving.

There was no way out
Of your loving embrace
Except the way that hurt you the most.
I loved you too much to let you in.
You cried and asked if it was true
I smirked and said "tell no one".

But you knew each wound
On my wretched body
And the meaning of each moan
That escaped me lips
When you put your hands on me.
You knew all my sorrows
And understood me
Like no one else.

Complex PTSD has no mercy
Not even for you my love.
I forgot and you knew.
I blew a kiss and forgot you were alive.
I told you I had a boyfriend
Even though my body still had your scent on it.
And you understood like no one else.

You grunted "stop smoking"
And I snorted at you.
You swore loyalty to a brain
That vowed to forget you.
You were the only thing
I held on to while I accepted
The torment directed on my body and soul.

And I still can't recall your name
But I remember your softness
And diligence.
The effort you put in to me.
Like you were the only one
Who could save me.
And save me you did.
Like no one else could.

There's a surge of anger
Rising from my gut
Grunting to my brain
"Name Him"
And golden heart shaped locked
Drespassing in my mind
Like the kind that seperated lovers
Gift each other with.
But Complex PTSD has no mercy.
Not even for you my love.

Wish I could explain it to myself
You sure as hell haven't.
Wish I could argue both cases.
Wish I could find the middle way
But where your face
Appears in my dreams
As I sleep over day
And most of the night,
It is always followed
By more question marks.
Wish I could let it all go.
But your hands appear
On my body
As soon as I close my eyes.

There's a soft sensation
On my lips
I feel it daily now
That convinces me
That you are not rough
Better yet you are not fast
In your movements
You move slowly
Reaching each cell within me
With your intense
Yet gentle energy

There's a subtle hint
In the energies
Now bursting toward me
That tell me
How much care
You would put in your caress
As the images
Send a sensation down my blouse
And a compressed tingle
Up my thighs

Carefully I direct my attention
Elsewhere
Always elsewhere

There's a soft caress
Running up my back
A hand that looks
Just like yours
A lighting bolt
That silently emits
From your fingertips
Wish I could touch it
But it moves in to me
As you move in to me

*And I nearly feel your pulse...

There's a moment of orderly silence
Well calculated and planned silence
Before you allow your eyes to cross mine.
You know I'm going to look away
But you also feel my eyes following you
As you pass by without looking at me.

you sure are beautiful
I think to myself
As I bend a paper clip
Out of it's intended shape.
There's a cool calmness
And a fear of my heart imploding
In to my chest.
It's just lust

I don't mind and I'm not giving in
take the high road
The whisperers tell me
And I'm intending to
But I know my posture gives me away.
Aware of my youthful mistakes
The very same ones
You never make...

You never speak directly at me
You always address someone else
But I know that you know
That I know.
And when no one's watching
You allow your eyes to wander
Always taking a moment
To gaze in to my eyes
As to challenge me.

I rarely respond... on purpose.
And if someone ever asked me
If you had made a pass at me
I could never come up
With any solid argument
Even if I wanted to give you away.
And it's not like you started it.
It's also not that you would not have ended it...
It's just that I'm a horrible liar
And you know that.

There's a tension headache
Pressuring my brain
It feels alot like the pain
One feels after having cried for too long.
It feels like the pain we feel
After having realised
That we don't always feel better
After the tears have flown.
just cry, you'll feel better after
But with you it never worked out that way.

The pain stayed and you left.
More times than I can count.
So I wrote you a letter
Just so you'd know
That things are different this time around.
I won't leave in anger
And I won't argue this time.
I'm not leaving because of something you said.
I know you've been trying.
I'm leaving because the pain isn't healing.
You are not healing me
Just letting the wounds fester
As if you spat in to them.

So this time
I'm packing up
Everything I ever felt for you
Only to toss my luggage
In to the stream
As I cross that bridge.

Now I know
Where all those odd lost objects come from.
Maybe like the bags that contain my love for you,
All the lost shoes and shirts
Are just containers for something
That cannot be dressed up in words.
I can hear the plunge as I keep walking.
Now when I reach the other side,
I'm setting that bridge on fire.
Burn *****, burn

I hail my train and forget that there ever was a John.

Sincerety...
My teacher once spoke them words
Her voice, soft as the wings on these birds
I took her words to my heart
Sticked to them from the start

Always really

But now I hear you speak
Like it's some cruel streak
Well **** Imma take that from you
*** your communication is ill too

What you see is what you get
Honesty is always the safest bet
But that's never been your strength
As you gossip at a baffeling length

Fine Imma say it
See how you'd take it
If I really stop selecting my speech
Words to fill these sheets

You're a selfish ****
With no regard for those
Who work day and night
For an over grown kid
Come real close
Imma show you the light

A wise soul once shared
Upon its return to heaven
That Love is the Founding force
Fore there must be love
In order to create

As I sit here before a blank canvas
Brushes ready and the paint mixed.
Am I unable to translate my soul
On to your white surface
Because I don't love you?

That could not be it as I would
I would love my own creation.
Is it because I broke some
Threw a few out and because
Of the ones that were taken from me?

Is it for all of those times
I tore myself down and told myself
It would never turn out
Just the way I wanted it to
Or even more deeply:

Have I failed to love myself?

Can you honestly say
That you have felt this way before?
I asked myself
As I sat at the dinner table
With a befriended couple.
A vague recognition
Gently vibrated in my heart.
These are just some old friends.
And I feel like I'm 5 years old
And like this is a functional family.
Realizing that that's the one thing
I never had.

You stood in the middle of a Cathedral
In the center of the Nave
Wondering how it was built
lovers kissing in a confessional
Light soaring in
Through the Rose Window
Filtering colors on the floor
Crafted with such care
Illustrating a witch burning
Sacré Dieu, Blasphemy!
Angels wheeping at the cruelty of man
A dream-like setting, bells chiming
Defying their purpose
Chiming ever so softly

The arches gracefully curving above you
A Saint standing in each Chapel
The echo here is beyond compare
Vast choirs caressing these walls with their voices
A white dove crosses the Choir
Landing in the North Transept
A sign of purity, the grace of God
This is my mind
And you wonder why I left the witch faceless
But how does one portray
100,000 faces?

"I'm going to have to fail you for 2-dimensional art" he says disappointed, marks a 4 in his book and moves on.

you should not have done that*

Story of my life
You call me reckless
For having defied that very person
Who comes from a high place
With powerfull friends,
For having defied that one person
Who robbs you and all of us
Off our basic human rights.
How long did it take you
Before you took one for the team
That's all I've done
And I get "reckless" thrown at my face?
It's all fine when someone takes a stand for you
But you're too scared to take a stand for another?
All I ever asked, was for you to respect that fact
That I made justice be served
While you just sat there and took it.
Who's reckless in long term?
You who never stand up for yourself
And get deeper in to depression
As time goes by
Or me who never takes anything from anyone.
While I do admit that there are better ways
To give certain messages,
I wholeheartedly disagree
With you bashing me behind my back
For having protected your rights.
Who's the ******* here?

I did not learn
What you wanted me to.
However I touched your pain
Took it in as my own.
Carried it for a minute or a moment
The kind that feels like forever.
I shed your tears through my own eyes
And whispered the words,
The very same words that
Were the first ones to escape my lips
As I was an infant.
thank you
Thank you for sharing your pain
The same way, my pain was shared to you.
I would never see the world
The way you did
Unless I looked through your eyes.
I will not burden myself
With the hell that has been reintroduced to me.
I do not deserve such pain.
Nor do you.
So I will let it pass along
Like water under the bridge
And continue to love you
From the depths of who I am,
From the heart I share with you.
Turn my suffering in to gratitude
And send my wish in to the universe
To some day, kiss your hands and dry your eyes.

It's not you
It's me
Well actually it's him

It's not me
It's you...
It's him really

It's really the girl
Who won't tie herself down
To the bad nor the good

It's the girl
Who seduces him
And then runs off

The one that says things like
"It all made sense in my head"
Nothing makes sense when you're not here

I know you can sustain me
But I don't want your money
Nor the status

I know you think
You need me
But we have only needed each other for one thing:

To learn
Principals and diciplines
That's all it ever was

The patterns were introduced
I followed them
To my best ability
I broke the outer layers
Believing it was the end
I was too obedient
To whatever was asked of me
A soldier to my soul

One after another
The same situations
I was never free
I faced another heart break
This time I faced my fears
Looked it in the eye
And allowed a world
To unravel before my eyes

And it sure is beautiful
Hidden within a black box
Lays a diamond
That can light up the world
When shared with others
For it is well understood
Within my weary heart
*That the one who holds the knowledge
Has the responsability to pass it on

What if I got one day
To be someone else?
To walk another's shoes
On a different path?
What would I be?

Would I want to make
All the bad memories go away?
Surely they do not serve me?
Would I want to be unharmed?
A more delightful existance?
Perhaps all the bad things
Made me better than
I could've ever imagined.
Was it in a gentle way?
No, but it was turned
In to my advantage after all

Would I want to be rich?
The mere thought
Makes me giggle.
What can the world offer me
In materials and things
That would make me happier
Than what is in my heart?
Surely I come from a good family
You know, the kind
That got a little lost over time.
"You may never be rich,
But you'll always be intelligent"
Isn't that enough?

I'd like to think so.
Money doesn't tempt me
Nor does the loss of a fortune
Scare me.
Poverty made us inventive.
I've never felt bad about it anyway.

Would I want to be
The It-Girl?
Somewhat glamorous perhaps?
serious question
Not really...
What does she have
That I don't?
I may not be much
On the social ladder,
But I was never much
Of a social climber.
I speak to everyone the same way
Isn't that what we need?
Just plain reality of things?

I know!
If I got one day
To be someone else
I would be
The person I will be tomorrow.
That's who I want to be.

synrconicity, law of attraction and manifestation*

After the redundant
Courtcase I had this morning
Where I was cleared
Of all charges
Thank you very much
I ordered a coffee
In the center of the city
And for no apparent reason
I gaze out of the window
Right behind me.
I try to live in this moment
So there was no reason
For me to turn and look
But as I looked
I watched you pass by
Looking more bear-ish
Than I've ever seen you
I opened my mouth
As though I was going
To say something
Then realising
There's a window inbetween

I went about my day
Casually strolling
As I handeled my Nikon D3200
And as I turned to walk on
There you were again
Again I opened my mouth
As though I was going
To say something
Only to see that
You would not have heard me anyway

I believe all things to have
A purpose and a reason
Yet you're very existance
Only raises questions
That I could not voice
If my life depended on it.
I cannot explain enough
How deeply attracted I am
To your grumpy persona
But perhaps you only
Reflect me in this time and space
I have seen your soul before
And he's so much kinder
Than I precieve you,
The vessel to be.
Then do you go against yourself?
The soul is the boss
But then why do I upset you so much?
My relationship to your soul
Has always been clear and deep.
If only I could reconjure
The lifetimes that made it so.
I did not ask you to come to me
You came on your own accord.
78 lifetimes together
Says a whisper
But then why can't we
Level up now?

Could do a couple things to you
I admire your physique
Age has never hindered me
You could be my father
But I fail to make that connection.

I forgot your cool
Your natural authoroty
The fact that your presence
Has a calming effect on me.
You just allow
My verbal waterfalls.

I know it can't be
And I have peace with that
And as much as I appreciate
You checking me out
It really isn't making
My job easier.

You look past my voice
And the steady low rythme
At which I tend to speak
That always makes people uncomfortable.
And as my voice softened
So did the look in your eyes.

You just needed me
To step down
And let you in
What's the point now
You're face fades away
I still remember your scent
That's all there is
To hold on
There's no way back
And that's ok
But then you could at least
Stop following me
In my dreams.
I get it all now
Why I run off
Too used to holding
A man together
To take time to
Speak my mind
I cave in in the dark
Silence of my own room
Where you can't see it
deep breaths
open my eyes again
Buck up and put your game face on

But ****, I need to be held together too.
With the antics I saw you pull
I knew you didn't have it in you
To help fix me
And that's ok too.

You wouldn't know
What's behind the smile
That plays upon my lips
The laughter and echoes in this space
You would never guess what is happening in my head
As I diligently distance myself
From what happened
I've been this way since I was a child
The trick is the following
"If it doesn't show,
It didn't happen"
And it has taken over
Each defeat
Each embarassment
And each heartbreak
If it doesn't show
It didn't really happen
And I guess I'm sorry
For all the times
It "didn't happen"
I could've been braver
And put it all on display
But I do not care
To make you feel bad about it
If it naggs on you
You will come to terms with it
In your own time.
If it doesn't...
Well then I suppose
It doesn't make a difference
Whether you laughed at my downfall
You will never understand
Untill it happens to you.
You would never know
As I'm almost always friendly
It's a self-preservation technique
I hope you will never learn
But honey
It's not that hard to fix
Just stick with it
Eventually I will crawl out of my shell
I have too much pride you see :)

I've been here everyday for a week
are you coming over
"Yeah"
It's like leaving home
To come home again.
It's never been far
And you're always in some kind of legal trouble.
Mohammed is in jail again.
Story of his life
And I'm sitting here across you
Next to your girl
She's really nice too
Once again, the same old shelter cat.
I'm tired of looking for a decend job.
But as I sit here across from you
There's a safety within me
That everything's going to be ok
I'll never go without
Because everything I have
Has always belonged to you, yours and mine.
And you would've given me
The shirt off your back
And did many times.
Someday I hope to bring you and yours
To a safe place, where you never have to worry again.
Not about money or your safety.
Just like you to for me, time and time again.

I can still feel
The emotional marks you left
On my mind, in my brain.
I can see the marks you never left on my body

Nothing I do to you
Will fix that.
Nothing I could do to harm myself
Would fix that
Nothing I do to you will fix that.

So how do I fix myself?

"I can't overpower you"
I would say to a kind man.
"You would never have to!"
He would reply, eyes wide open
nothing there I haven't heard before
I think to myself

The Post-Traumatic brain
Does not wait around.
It is always pro-active.
I could defend myself
Against a smaller man.
But not the giants I feel so drawn to.

The body wants, what the body wants.

I'd be easy bait for him.
Why couldn't it be differently?
To fight
Or to flight?

Or to face the challenge
And trust
That not all men
Who carry guns
Use them to shoot you?

"You like him"
You looked at me
Eyes wide open
Denied it in all languages
I just snorted at you
We'll see about that

Then it started
Bit by bit
You were angry
Confused and then finally
Gave in to it
I asked if I needed to talk to him
You said
Yes and then no and then yes.

Today you finally made it to him
And I'm overjoyed
I laugh from my heart
I feel like we just won.
The fact is
That you won
In your own life
And I couldn't be happier

If it weren't for the
Quick twist of the knife
In my heart
As I watch your conquest
And realise
That it might never happen to me.
Quietly I make peace with that
And smile as I watch you go.

I could swear I put them in my bag
The cigarettes, filthy habit.
No can do and she's getting on my last nerve.
The sister, who's singing on street...
God I wish she stopped doing that.

Well **** it, I'm not encouraging this.
I turned to leave, night shop it is.
As I walked down the road
A boy walked to my direction
He was well build
Traditionally handsome
He was kicking his football as he went.

I watched his feet work
He nudged the ball my direction
It rolled right on to my feet.
I quickly stepped over it
And he smiled at my surprise.
Actually it was more like a smirk.
Almost like he was challenging me.

kick it back

I laughed and kept walking
How come that I don't respond
When a guy does the exact thing
I would've done.
Play around as a means to court another.
It was an excellent flirt
But I guess I'm not equipped that way anymore...

Taxi-light.

Wonderfull, you're back.
The offer is upgraded this time
Now you're actually trying
To have a real conversation
Before you try to get in to my pants
It's not going to happen
You were so bad
I wanted to regrow a *****
And convert in to a nun.
Let's not revisit that.

Later on...
I sat out with my sister
Watched him check out the goods
You're cute, come here
But then your friend
Started looking
No. No. No.
I wasn't looking at - aaargh.
Oh boo!
Why do the Gods hate me?

Can't date you
You're too old
And my body goes tick tock
Can't date you either
Because regardless
Of your fleeting interest in me
My best friend
Is in love with you.

And you.
I wouldn't date you
*** you're a ****.