Me, you, he, she, they we
Table, stool, cup, plate, tea
A green hill and a flock of sheep

I said there were 75 a pack
You counted 71,
And 4 watching your back.

Two months with you
I got lazy and fat,
Got a funny accent too.

Taught me french for a week or two
And multiplied numbers
5x5 is 25, threw a tandrum too!

And yer right, I shoulnd’t rearrange yer stuff.

There have not been alot
Of instances
Where "sorry"
Was not enough
Sure I'm stubbon
And unyielding
But "sorry"
Has been enough
For my loved ones too
I've had alot of things
To be sorry for.

Granted, honestly
I've never been easy
But in all honesty
I've never been easier
To deal with than I am now.
I've come to believe in excuses
I've come to believe
That there's a good reason
For every single mistake

I just need to fill the gap
With the reason
Why it happened in the first place.
Heaven doesn't judge you
So why would I?
I truly believe in excuses.
Just need to hear them
To make peace
So I can let my guard down again.

Because when I know
You're sorry,
I will know that you won't
Do it again.
There's no punishment
There's no revenge.
Just an action
And a reason for it's existance.

The cough woke me up
Around 5 am, in the dark night
Automatically I checked my phone
Had a smoke and went back to bed

11.30 morning coffee
I check my phone
Two messages
A little surprised I see your name

"Go back to sleep x"
There's only one way
You'd know I was there last night
And that is if you checked it

The x's that used to feel
Like a conditioning technique
Are there now in abundance
Nothing else needs to be said

Perhaps it was that you realised
I was much less proud
And more willing to find peace with you
Or maybe you just missed me

Perhaps it's all in the past
And the Highest Truth remains
Mistakes were made
But perhaps it was done out of suffering in the first place

Either way
There will always be an x
Here for you
And hopefully someday an o

I guess I should be happy
I got the job I wanted
I got a warm home
Back with family
It all looks great on paper...
I guess it was all great before too...
It wasn't that bad.
So what pushed me off the edge
Why did I run off?

I guess I just got tired
Of seeing you.
Not seeing you.
Not understanding.
The subtle hints
And all the contradictions.
Everything I thought I wanted
Embodied within you.
The one I couldn't have.

I sat there in rapid conversations
With you as I came to realise
That I'd trust you with my life
Like many would've trusted me
With theirs.
A sting of guilt scratches
The surface of my heart
And the hypothetical question appears

what happens to you when you trust someone with your life

You feel safe?

so then would you feel braver to do as you please

I understood where the sting came from.
It's all fine and dandy to give the compliment of trust,
But then be sure to honor that protector
By staying out of trouble.

Wonderfull, you're back.
The offer is upgraded this time
Now you're actually trying
To have a real conversation
Before you try to get in to my pants
It's not going to happen
You were so bad
I wanted to regrow a *****
And convert in to a nun.
Let's not revisit that.

Later on...
I sat out with my sister
Watched him check out the goods
You're cute, come here
But then your friend
Started looking
No. No. No.
I wasn't looking at - aaargh.
Oh boo!
Why do the Gods hate me?

Can't date you
You're too old
And my body goes tick tock
Can't date you either
Because regardless
Of your fleeting interest in me
My best friend
Is in love with you.

And you.
I wouldn't date you
*** you're a ****.

There was a soft kiss
Playing on my lips
It was as real as
A streaming river dam
It was as real as
Soft pink cotton clouds.
It was nothing if not loving.

There was no way out
Of your loving embrace
Except the way that hurt you the most.
I loved you too much to let you in.
You cried and asked if it was true
I smirked and said "tell no one".

But you knew each wound
On my wretched body
And the meaning of each moan
That escaped me lips
When you put your hands on me.
You knew all my sorrows
And understood me
Like no one else.

Complex PTSD has no mercy
Not even for you my love.
I forgot and you knew.
I blew a kiss and forgot you were alive.
I told you I had a boyfriend
Even though my body still had your scent on it.
And you understood like no one else.

You grunted "stop smoking"
And I snorted at you.
You swore loyalty to a brain
That vowed to forget you.
You were the only thing
I held on to while I accepted
The torment directed on my body and soul.

And I still can't recall your name
But I remember your softness
And diligence.
The effort you put in to me.
Like you were the only one
Who could save me.
And save me you did.
Like no one else could.

There's a surge of anger
Rising from my gut
Grunting to my brain
"Name Him"
And golden heart shaped locked
Drespassing in my mind
Like the kind that seperated lovers
Gift each other with.
But Complex PTSD has no mercy.
Not even for you my love.

In the deepest slumber
In the sweetest dream
I felt your warm presence
Your heartbeat on my back
Your arms around me
Your fingerprints all over me
Red tracks on your skin
From last night

Thinking off all the subtle indicators
I heard it all before
Yet somehow I missed it
Failed to translate it in to my life
The neckpain suggested something
It was about a view or looking
She said I was so rigid
I was unyielding
Much did I know
I made you suffer
Wouldn't have done that today
Or in a million years
Suppose both of us learned something today

We call it the unshakable heart
It's meant to hold the fort up
When life collapses around us
You said I was too strong
In stead of asking
Why I had to carry it
I simply held on harder
Accepted it, trusted
Integraded it
Turns out that wasn't the point
You said it was no laughing matter
I made it harder on myself
Than it needed to be

I come here too often, Sis

What do you mean

I mean, I come here too often

You're never here

Dude I was here every day when you were sick

Yeah but that's a month ago

Okay what do you make of this: I was walking down the street on my way here and instinctively started looking for my keys!

My body is sore
There's a stinging headache
My gut turns but nothing comes out
My immunity is next to nothing
I've been sick and tired for months

I fall asleep in class
The teachers call me Diezel
Takes a while to warm up
My memory is blank
Yet I can't sleep during the night

I woke up
I woke up with my clothes on?
Why?
Was I going somewhere
There's more than the obvious
For a difference during day and night
The panic attacks start again
And you're now stalking me

It's been 11 years
Should've been declared healthy
What's happening to me...?

The memories didn't creep in
But years later
What are the triggers?
If only I could connect the dots
The statute of limitation has passed
Couldn't prove it if I tried

A whisper in the wind
Sets the record straight
Rely on karmic laws and heal
Let it come and go

Abuse is never about the action of abuse
Abuse is about power
smile
I'm already a winner...
I'm still here
Alive and thriving
And guess what?
I'm doing great!

You never broke me
I can only be broken by myself
So relish is your failed attempt
I'm still stronger
Than anything you could've done to me
Your crazy didn't infect me

So keep it all
Keep your fond memories
Of everything you did to me
I'm still standing
Keep your denial
You and I both know the truth
It won't eat me up inside
But perhaps it will **** you one day

That's going to be a beautiful day.

By what standarts
Do you measure yourself?
Achievements
How many you've loved
How many loved you back
How many you've conquered
Or how many
You've rejected
How many you have
Indeed held hanging by a thread
All your conquests
And how popular you are
Your large entourage

All of that may be great
But in the end of the day
I will not be impressed at all.
Your enviornment
Does not interest me.
I want to know
But one thing:
How sincerely you've loved yourself
In the end of the day
I will only ask one thing of you:

*show me your heart

As I sit here
In the corner of the couch
My spot, 0:0:0:0
grown down
Says a whisper

I ask myself
What do people my age
Generally do?
Is it normal for a girl
Of 27
To stay home on weekends

Should be powdering my nose
not that powder, actual powder
Getting ready
To go out
Release some stress
do something stupid!
Says the whisper

But no
I'm here making a list
For the grocery store
How much is enough
All my friends have done this

My boss once asked me
On a company dinner
Late friday night
"What are you doing here"
Huh good question

Suppose that when he was 23
He was ship wrecked at this time
But then I asked
"Where did you live at my age"
"With my parents"

Then it is safe to say
Your idea of safety
Was different than mine
"Suppose so" he admitted

So my late resolution
For the year
Is to grown down
And get stupid.

I woke up to the sound
Of a slow guitar
I woke up to a hint in the air
Even now you haunt my dreams
I wish you would just
Leave me alone

I've known souls to travel before
And I've known souls to subdivide
But then why would yours
Hang around me?
Maybe it's a lie
Maybe it's true

Maybe there's too much
Resistance
Where there should only be
Desire
Maybe I've missed something
Maybe I've made mistakes

Anything I can think of
I can back up
But does it matter
If you sleep by my side
Every night
Without being here at all?

Maybe you made a mistake
I know that to be true
But then does it matter
If my heart takes a leap
At the thought of you

A message each morning
And one in the evening
Someone to confide in
A fresh breath of honesty
A quick sense of humor
The laughter long gone
Echoes in the distance
No guilt and no worries
You are so rushed
Patience is running out
The days grow darker
Just like you
The ashtray gets
Its fair share of cigarettebuds

We waited
...and waited
...and waited

And then you pressed delete
The ashtray broke
The negativity is gone

I did not learn
What you wanted me to.
However I touched your pain
Took it in as my own.
Carried it for a minute or a moment
The kind that feels like forever.
I shed your tears through my own eyes
And whispered the words,
The very same words that
Were the first ones to escape my lips
As I was an infant.
thank you
Thank you for sharing your pain
The same way, my pain was shared to you.
I would never see the world
The way you did
Unless I looked through your eyes.
I will not burden myself
With the hell that has been reintroduced to me.
I do not deserve such pain.
Nor do you.
So I will let it pass along
Like water under the bridge
And continue to love you
From the depths of who I am,
From the heart I share with you.
Turn my suffering in to gratitude
And send my wish in to the universe
To some day, kiss your hands and dry your eyes.

It's your to-do list
That bothers me the most
And excellent way to controll someone
It's kind of like that man
Who only utters the words
"I love you"
To reward "good behavior"

That is the same way you
Perform your
"Duties, responsabilities and expectations"
The way you have lived your life
With me
Is increasingly similar
To the way you lived with your mother

"I'll just do all of this to shut her up"
Meanwhile you continue
To ignore me
To disengage
And to allow the tears to flow
What I wouldn't have done
For your attention
three years ago
But that time has passed...

I no longer wait for you
To pay attention
To love me
To touch me
In fact
The idea of you doing
Any of the above
Irks me

Please please please
Just take your things and go
You can have it all
You can even have the cats
You can keep everything
We got together
When we built this home
You can have it all

In exchange for my freedom

How is it that I ever let you have it anyway?
My youth's mistake I suppose
Should've broken free in time
Now I'm stuck in a rut
Catching my breath
For a fresh breeze
Please just leave

No tears to shed
They're all wasted
Just a smile on my face
As the truth slowly spreads
Through your worn eyes
There's nothing here anymore

*Please just leave

It's kind of like
Steering a ship
To shallow waters
And crossing your fingers
Hoping you won't run a reef

Now I don't judge
I just don't get the concept
You pick up a honey
Ride 'em out
Spend the next morning
Trying to get out of it

"Give me your number"
Knowing you'll probably never call
But here's the thing
You don't love them...
You don't care to know
How they like it
And neither do they

So what's the point

But it's probably
An effective way
To lose socks.

It's almost impossible to explain
These waves that carry me around
There must be a million islands here
Yet I always end up at the same shore
I can only express it
With my exhilarated heartbeat
The weakness of my body
Eventhough I've always known
It to be exceptionally strong and virtuous
I have never felt such a pull before
Not even then...
It's almost like the Divine
Grabbed my ear, like I'm a stubborn child
And said walk this way, you know you want to
Who am I to go against it
Suppose it's a way of Trust
Knowing that it's right
Eventhough everything looks wrong now
Everything except you.

The Gods hate me
Every time I think
I'm over it
I run in to you
You say nothing special
But my knees are weak
For an hour after
Wish you just went away
Can't do this anymore
The Gods hate me

The Gods hate me
The images start
Flowing in my mind
I know your scent
Better than I'd like to
And your silhouette
More vividly than I care to
The colors in your hair
And the shades in your eyes
And that cute crooked smile
The Gods hate me

I kept calm
I kept my cool
The tesion rose
I threw the door at you
You screamed
bang
Said another door

He yelled
Blamed us
Lost his point
I looked at you
We smirked
There was never a fight
what a ****

It was never about us
we don't have a problem.
I know you're leaving
But I'm coming with you.
We've paived the way
For each other
For three years

With each conflict
We hold on tighter
To each other
Through trust and loyalty.
Let them say what they say
Today I laughed
With joy in my heart
As we said
*see you tomorrow

In how many cases
Have you wondered
If that girl you want to ****
Is going to solve your insecurity
In how many cases
Have thought
That if you can nail this guy
It will make all you problems go away

You descend in to the belief
That love solves all problems
And I guess that would be true
To some extend
Because love is just that powerfull
But then I ask you
If at the end of the day
When you've conquered your conquest
Do you feel better now?

Or does the negativity
Just creep up on you again
This time in the form of
I still don't feel better
Or
I wonder is she is going to call me back

So was that the answer
Or was it just a shot term solution
For a bigger problem?
You can ride all the ***** you can catch
And **** all the ******* you can get your hands on
But in the end of the day
You'll still feel that same void
That can only be filled with what you, yourself decide to put in it.

I guess it's just like the Buddha said:
Who in this universe deserves your love and affection, if not you?

I've never taken a leap of faith
Never gave my heart away
Never exposed myself fully
Always kept one hand on my heart
A protective measure
Never surrendered
Never gave in

Then I met you
The great wall of China
Came crumbling down
And I was exposed
And the words
That left your soft lips were:
I don't want to be in your head
But in your bed.

An inbetween job
That's all it was
I forgot I was accomplished
Cleaning up your crap
I learned that it takes
Physical endurance
Flawless efficiancy
And fierce organisation
And above everything else
Healthy intelligence
To do what these girls do everyday
Supervising the girls
I learned compassion
A few months ago it was me
And guess what?
I learned humility.
It was beautiful
I learned that whatever pit
I get stuck in
I always grow out of it
I've never let hierarchy limit me
Never looking down on
My people on the floor again
But elevate them above everything else
Because it is on their backs
That the economy grows
I made no mistake
I took the job
And turned it all in my advantage
This will look great on my cv
Because that's how
I will see it.

I keep hearing...
It's like a voice...
It keeps telling me
All these negative things

My dear sister
I know you don't believe it
But you could actually
Talk to those voices
I know you don't believe it
But you are hearing
The very same
Spiritual messages as I do.

We'll just call it insecurity
Which is where this comes from.
you know when it happens to me
I just argue it untill it stops
Or smile and ignore it
She smiled, case closed.
I wish I could tell you
But you are not open for this.
And that's ok.

I did take your advise though
You know when you said
To ask myself everyday
"What can I do to make myself happy now?"

I've worked through
So much of my pain
Life's still not that
Of an undamaged girl
But I'm going back in time
Working my **** out

I look up and feel the sun, knowing that my wary lungs could've run empty and stopped my withered heart from beating a long time ago. I take a deep breath and acknowledge the presence of the Divine that dwells within me

Wide smiles
Joy in my eyes
I will never stop lauging
My obnoxiously loud laugh
I will never stop
Pranking my dearest ones
I will never stop
Challenging the living **** out of you

I know myself better now
I'm out of my wild years
On my way to bigger and crazier
I know my type
I know the kind of man
That can handle me
And I still feel you close
Even if you don't see it yourself

Let love follow it's own course
It will lead me back to you
One fine day
But untill then...
I'm bringing the house down.

I know you said
You kept apologizing
But it was never enough
For her

But perhaps you
Should look at it this way:
If your apology
Was not enough...

Then maybe it was not enough, because she was not angry at you

She may have
Expressed her anger at you
She may have projected on you
But she was never angry
Over anything you did

but what someone else did to her

And maybe you
Are not angry at me
For distancing myself
To protect myself

Maybe you are angry at yourself.

Maybe you're angry at her.

Highschool, what am I going to do
"Start high as high as you can"
Latin and sciences
It was great, I passed everything
Math and sciences
My motivation is missing
Nothing adds up
Behaviorsm and languages
But I can't pass French
Nailed it just barely
"What is happening to you"
Nothing adds up

There's a glimmer in the distance
They all say don't go there
Tears in my teacher's eyes
Please don't leave
You can still make it
Don't throw this away
But the canvas is calling me
The soft brushes and crayons
The colors and pictures
The creativity is there

I built my skills up
And I take the extra lessons
On landscape drawing
I stop showing up
Nothing makes sense
I fell asleep in class
My body gave up
"What is happening to you"
Nothing just leave me alone
Second semester, great record of attendance
But my motivation is out of reach

Lost the year, what now
Technical studies, that's me
And I found my tribe
The grasp in my neck
That I needed
Someone who sees through me
That was you and I can't thank you enough
Just for being who you are
The class is full of freaks
Just like me
This is where art school payed off

You took my hand
Asked me no questions on my past
And pushed me through
Like there was no question
That I would make it
Graduating year
Somebody wrote it on a piece of paper
"You can do anything, if you want to"

"Look at me
I have nothing
To show for my life!
I just bought sunblock
With an anti-wrinkle agent!
I haven't had ***
For 6 months
My body is wasting away!
My eggs are wasting away!
What am I going to do
With my life?
I'm almost 30!!!"

Um...you're...26....
I think you still have time.

law of karma: energy will repeat itself untill we learn our lesson

I had never been afraid of you before
You were tall and strong
You had always been good to us
But the events of that summer
That were in no way your fault
Had left deep marks within me
I had now come to fear
The man who so willingly
Took care of us
Out of love for my mother
You were 2m10
The sight of you drove me on edge

And then playfully you snuk up on me
Grabbed me and roared
I had never been spooked before
I cried out of the depths on my heart
Fragile as I was,
I lost my trust in you entirely
It was in no way your fault
I barricaded myself in
Registered each scent
So I'd always know
Who is behind me
And even now
I could pick out anyone
Just by scent.

In a flash your face changed in to someone else, who I had come to resent

PTSD is a *****.

The similarities keep piling up.
He was about your size
The scent still haunts me
But what the hell
It really wasn't that bad!
I guess his actions
Spooked me too
And I lost my trust entirely
It was never his fault
My reptile brain screams
While pointing at him
Incriminating him of things
He has never done.

It all makes sense now.
I always knew it was me
Not him
I just didn't know how.
Willingly I clear him of all charges
It was just a game
And I didn't win
And that's ok.
I was never a sore loser
Just in flight
Of the monsters roaming wild
Inside of me.

please forgive me for doing all the things you never understood. Please know that neither did I. With a warm smile, I sent this out to your soul. It was never your fault. I knew it then too, I just couldn't figure it out

We're done
At least I am
Don't come back
I've had it with you
We're over
I'm in charge from
This point on
You want something
You ask me first

Said the mind to the heart

I stood by him
My safe zone
No need to approach
I'm surrounded by
A bunch of hairy *******
My bearded friends
Just needed a hug
From someone who cared
Even with years in between
He's still the same
But he's seen me
Come and go as I please
And yet, in the middle
Of all the jokes
And all the fun
The song of Alt-J
Plays in my head
And I see your smile.
Why is it me
You've chosen to follow?

In the deepest slumber
In the sweetest dream
I felt your warm presence
Your heartbeat on my back
Your arms around me
Your fingerprints all over me
Red tracks on your skin
From last night

"Find contentment within yourself"
I could.
I could go about my day
Mind my own business
But it doesn't seem to work
There's a deep sorrow
Within my heart
Like I just missed my exit
By a few seconds
I walk on scowling
Wondering how it came
To be that way.
I guess I just need to know
Whether you feel it too.

Message received
I mean so totally received
Not sure where it all went wrong
But maybe it wasn't right
To begin with
You've made yourself clear
I'll stop wondering around now
And focus on the things
That really matter
I totally get it now
Can't wait for my new job
Won't need to watch my step any longer
I'm kind of happy about it
Moving out soon
And I really got it all figured out
Everything except my inexplicable
Interest in you
Time heals and I'm done
New challenge, new life, new city.

"Mom what doe it mean
The word 'beautiful'?
I mean what is it's content?
What are you saying
When you use it"

She gave a look
Of serious consideration
Took a deep breath
And lovingly she said:

I will not ruin this for you
So I will say it like this
Beautiful means
That you see something
Feel or hear something,
You could marvel at for hours

Perhaps it will be a flower
Maybe it's a pet
Often for a man, it is a woman
And the other way around
But not always and that's fine too

When Socrates asked the same
The answers were extensive
Philosophers have asked this
Many times before
But here's what I learned:

When a cat is a good cat,
It will not scratch you
Or dig it's teeth in you

When a cat is a bad cat
It will do exactly what feels
Natural to it's species

So who are we indeed
To ask a cat to be
Anything else than what it is?

It is the same
With the concept of beauty
It does not apply
To your personal rules and structures
It is perfect
It was made that way

So who are we indeed
To judge it?
The concept is beauty
Is taught and learned
And I'm sorry
But I'm not buying it.

May we decide for ourselves
What beauty looks like to us
But perhaps start
With a good look in the mirror
And love the face
That's looking back.

Because it is perfect.
It was made that way. ;)