The day was suddenly cut in half
Somehow felt like it would.
"You can go home you know"
I shrudded my sholders and went.
As I took a seat in the bus
The whispers came around again.
go to the city
As it presented me
With a shopping list
That included everything
I always forget to buy
And then realise I don't need it that badly.

It agreed with my own reason
So then as I sat in the metro
I was presented with
The least efficiant solution:
Get off on the next stop
Who am I to argue?
hold your head high my child
You are making no sense
But sure...
And you know what?

I run in to you boys
More often than anyone
I've ever known.
Not even remotely surprised
I was being ignored
Nor was I in the slightest
Bothered by the girl
Who walked beside you
And glared at me for looking at you.
Who casually ignored my existance.

I don't really care much
About any of that
But for once it would be great
If you whisperers would stop
Leading me to these people.

The answer comes
In a form of a firm
*no

Like lego blocks
But something stronger
Perhaps more like titanium
Such is the Vessel

Nearly indestructible

Carefully planned and executed
Only pulled down
By it's past mistakes
A simple apology could do

Someone once said
The soul is the boss
So is the body perhaps
Much like a ship?

The soul is the captain
Only held back by its passed mistakes
So keep a weather eye on the horizon
The clouds may come rolling in

But the Lighthouse is within you

"You're a social person
And you do approach men
Yet never enough
For them to know for sure
That they have your favour
You always leave it in the middle
You do make known
Who you like the most
But never exactly how much
Are you just friends
Do you need more time
Are you looking for proof
What does a man have to do?"

In a flash I feel it again
A set of gentle hands
On my hips
As I danced the night away
And I hear it again
A firm "no"
Yet he did nothing wrong
That was not my finest hour
I wonder if he gathered
All his courage to do that.
sorry, it's really not you

And then it came to me
The mindset:
It never works out anyway
The result of being rediculed
In your first relationship.
Well done ex, well done.

It wasn't weird
Hanging out
Just wanted to see the cats
The furr babies
The Handsome Fluffybutts
But as I arrived
To the house
That was my home
For 5 years
I just got comfortable as ****.

I opened all the doors
Meditated on the couch
Waited for you to come home
And let you make me coffee
While chatting as always.
And **** was I ever impressed
You finally opened up
You told me your worries
Your finances
-Kudos for paying your debts-
Your fears and all the gossip
Your training schedule
And what your friends said.

I did what I always do;
Told you everything.
About almost everything.
Including the fact
That now that you're
All pumped up
And training like crazy
That you need new clothes.
That shirt's starting
To look funny on you.
You should get rid of it.
Meanwhile I'll go
Through your closets
As though they are still mine.

They say the Spirit or Heaven
With it 8 Highest Committees
Is most fair
Having seen this in my own life
I vastly believe it to be true
We only create karma
When we fail to forgive
Granted some things seem
Truely unforgivable
But before you run off
Holding on to grudes
Screaming out your revenge
Remember that Heaven is most fair
And if you feel that
You shouldn't forgive
That's fine
But know that the ones who harmed you
Will not only walk in your shoes
But you will walk in theirs
Fully, truely and unaware of it

That's why I believe in excuses.

There seems to be something to it:
Rookiepoetry
We never grow out of it
So write your hearts out
Each piece is a step forward
In your evolution
And each a step backward
Toward alignment
With how you truly feel

There are no excuses
No need for defence
Or a back up plan
Let the words soar
Through the W-LAN network
Those who judge
Have not lived your life
Those who understand
May have lived enough

Poetry is a game on paper
Any form of writing is
A piece of art flowing
From your fingertips
It is no different than
A painting or a sculpture
No different than
A well trained athlete

*Humanity's artwork
Is scattered all over everything
Might aswell enjoy it

I've climbed up the rain pipe
To reach the window.
I've knocked on the glass
In the dead of the night
I've whispered apologies
In to the silence
Under the stern eye
Of my sleep deprived mother.
I've crawled through
The hole in the ground
That leads to the basement
And forced open doors
With a wire cutter...
It seems there is no cure
To losing keys and locking yourself out.

But maybe it's just life's way
Of telling us
We're locking ourselves out.
This is not who you are...
You don't force your way
In to things and apologise for your mistake.
You take that which is yours
Because someone once said
"Ownership is for those who claim it".  
You wouldn't apologise
For walking in to your own home
Because someone said
That it doesn't belong to you.

If I love it and it loves me back
Then by default
It has to be mine
Regardless of the consequences.

Serious question:
How come the effort
That goes in to
Activities of the physical nature
Seem to depend
On a certain size?

This is my expirience

When it's small
-and I didn't judge-
He was willing
To go through
Any number of
Peculiarities
To meet my needs
And it was great!

When it was middle sized
They all thought they were
On the large scale
But no gents, those are rare
And many girls
Get reduced to a single hole
Everything stops
It's all about the action
Down below
What about all our other
Attributes?

But then...
When it was really, really, really...
You know...
Really really really...
Extensive...
And he was sweet and soft
And attended to my
Limitations and needs
I was willing to go through
Any number of
Peculiarities
To make it happen anyway.
And it was great too.

Frowning at middlesection...
Get yourselves together boys.

It all felt beneath me
For a few hours
How did I become
This very person
Who I never believed
I'd be able to be?  

Like things that
Didn't match a certain level
Were not good enough for me
think long term
I whispered to myself
Then I saw it all happen again

The girl with a well established
Self-esteem and self-value
Run down to the ground
Only to rise up
Roaring like a lion
Tearing down obstacles
Left and right.

I tasted the greener grass
And it left a bitter taste in my mouth.
What if I was there
For no other reason
Than to learn self-respect.
Self-love...

For one can only define me
As I allow myself to be defined.
I have not failed
On an epic scale
I've conquered on an epic scale
And I rose above myself
And what I thought I needed.
It just wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

And so maybe it's time
To go back home
And rebuild these walls
I once caressed with gratitude
And acknoweldge
That they have always served me well
And they have always been
More than good enough

Like myself,
They've always been perfect.
For who will judge my life
In the end of the day
When the sun sets
On my withered body
As I lay myself
To my final resting place?
Surely it will be me and no one else.

All of this came back together
With the humble presence
Of the most precious friend
I have ever held close.
You smiled and grabbed the hand
Of your girl.
In that moment
I remembered all that was dear to me
And all I have ever been:

The girl who likes to walk bare foot
With a heart that longs
For peace and all that is
Sacred and sweet in this world.

"It's nice what they did with the front page"
He said and handed me today's paper.
I opened it by my desk at the office...
The cover spoke of a strike by the Union of Independent Pilots
In the Transdimensional Tunnel
Between Earth and several exoplanets.
I laughed and felt the glow in my heart.

As I flipped the page
The paper went on about 136years of successful recycling
And the importance of re-using materials
It would seem that we are running out
In the year 2130, even after all our conquests to 60 other planets
Now fully functioning as a part of the Intergalactic economy.

It spoke of intergalactic love
And meeting a beautiful alien on the train
It spoke of tolerance
And a brighter future
Where we progress and learn from our mistakes.
It spoke of our plans succeeding
And a humanity which prevails
A humanity which thrives.

It spoke of survival and joy
It spoke of every day problems
Which we have come to realise,
Are so typically human
It spoke of how clumsy we are
And how adorable we are that way.
It spoke of acceptance of who we are as a race
And how much we have to offer.
It might aswell have said
*I believe in humanity

"You are mine" he said
"No I'm mine" she said relentlessly
It wasn't to tell him
She was her own person
It was to tell him
To stop controlling her

For if the love is true
Do we not want to have and hold
Our partner, soul, mind, body
But perhaps the problem
Was in the eternal checklist
The "how do I keep her" list

What jobs do I have to fullfill
To keep her with me
How do I give her what she needs
Without having to give up myself
And I guess that's ok
Be our own person

All of us need to have a sense of who we are
But what when who we are
Is not what our partner wants
Her body comes home to me
And stays loyal
She's his, his status
The girl everyone wanted

Just enough effort in bed
Just enough effort around the house
Just enough kisses and hugs
Just enough meaningfull conversations

He will never get lost in her
He will never ask her to speak her mind
He will never tell her to be who she is
The money is spent on various things
Given from the heart
Or was it ego?

It hit me almost like a car would
But a lot more softly.
I was walking down the street
To the ump-teenth job interview
As I noticed where I was standing.

I was on the other side of the street
Of where you intercepted me
About 6 years ago.
Vaguely I remembered
Having played around with you
We worked hard, we gamed hard.

"Where do I put this pallet?"
"Just there, in front of the computer"
I raised my eyebrows
and pushed the pallet
Right up against the computer.
"Here?"
"Yeah"

I smirked at you and released the switch
As to leave the pallet right up against the computer
"No! I meant with a gap so I can still work"
"I know what you meant!"
I turned on my tracks and ran off laughing.

It was high season
You could not have gotten your hands
On a transpallet with the best will of the world.
"Woman, I'm going to get you for this!"
Put your game face on sweetpants

You started driving me home
I was nervous and you could tell.
I waited for you that night
But you never came out
So I took the bus home.
okay maybe he's done playing
I thought to myself
As I crossed the road.

A blue Volkswagen Golf
Stopped on the crossway
It was green for me
What's your problem dude?
The lights turned on inside
It was you
"You need a ride?"
"I thought you went home"
"No but I chased the bus until here so I could drive you home from here on"

Thanks for getting my point
Thanks for all the years after
Thanks for your current commitment
Even though we broke up.
And thank you for always getting the message,
Even though you never listened.

Thank you for all the years you gave me
As a result of a game we used to play at work.
I love you, like good friends love each other.
With the same loyalty and commitment.
You haven't lost anything
It just changed.

Jane, age 16
Harsh, mostly with herself
Love and compassion avalable for all
But she doesn't need any
At least not to her own knowledge
She's always fine
Nothing can tear her down
Perhaps that's the reason
Why at age 21 she mainly gets off on herself
At age 16 you see
She gave herself away
No regrets to this day
Well at least she never thinks about it

The boyfriend, really good for nothing
Honestly, a charity case
Yet she saw something good in him
He was very cunning though
(In a good way of course)
As her passions drove her up the wall
He turned away: let me sleep
Knowing that next day
She was unstoppable
And he didn't have to work that hard
She'd do all the work
And he got to witness the spectacle

Age 21: not tonight honey
I have a headache.
The truth is that nothing pleases her
She'll help herself in the shower.
When he touches her
It is not the touch of love
It is desire, not for her
But his own relief
Minimum time invested
But then again
How could he know what she likes
Or find pleasure with her
She's nervous and impatient all the time
She doesn't know what she likes

But he doesn't notice
He like her, never made love
He drifts away in his own fantasy
She puts all her energy in trying
Trying not to let him down.
She's made him feel
like he's not good enough before
Although she can't figure out why
Why the moaning wasn't a sign
Naturally she was faking it
Like she always does
And all along, the reality is
They are simply using each other
For stressrelief

They said to let it go,
The whisperes did.
I let it go like they said.
You still rub salt in to my wounds.
But progress is made in small steps.
And I realised something;
One never truly moves on
Until the anger has made way
For acceptance and reconciliation.

And surely, when I see
The lisence plates
One white,one yellow
And a steerling wheel on the wrong side
I no longer think of you.
I think of a sketchy Scot
I got to know on a poetry site.
I smirk and wonder what he is up to.
My anger made way for nicer associations.

And when I smell acrylic adhesive
I no longer think of you;
I think of the bus ride
I took every morning
To go work for a dentist.
And when I walk through the lobby
I wonder what the girls are up to.
Healing takes time...
But much like the Yin
It moves slowly and diligently.
I take a deep breath...
It feels like I can breathe again...

It feels like Love is kinder
Slower and more gentle with me
This time around...
His energy is sweet
But not co-dependent.
And it's ok, if it doesn't work out.
You are lovely to watch
Even on a bad day.
Fear has made way
For respect and reverance.

Why are you always alone?
The prevailing question
Since I was a little girl
Well it's not to prag
But I quite enjoy
My own company
Rarely miss people
Not because I don't care
But because it feels right
That they're not always there
That there would be times
When I didn't see them
Even the closest of friends
But then there are a few
Who I miss continuesly

So then is missing another
Just the sign
That there's something
Left to be said?

I sat at the workshop
Two hours on scanners
And milling
I've been through
The theory before
All this new technology
Is a touch of someone's genious

I felt the brush in my hand
And the gentle caress
As it touched the surface
I felt the craft in my fingers
And the joy in my gut
The technique...

I looked over at her
Known her since highschool
Another lost cause
There's a technician
Inside her too
So then what happened?

We follow the same course
She's my best friend
My colleague
And school friend
We did everything
Around each other
She was a good technician
And I, I know I was too

A representative included my name
In the list of promissing technicians.

Then what am I doing?

Granted I have nothing to regret
My current job will get me closer
But why the detour?
Then I saw it
As I looked over
To one of my teachers
Who had showed up
For the same course

If you never build up
Your students
To believe that they can
They can indeed
Achieve anything
Then you will see
How they get lost
And hopefully found

That's how you lose a talent
By telling people
That whatever they do
It will never be good enough
You do not raise fighters
Because to fight
You need to believe that
The cause is just

You need to believe
That you can win.
We were never taught that way.
That's how you lose a talent.
And maybe the trick is
In the balance
Of giving balanced critisism
To point out the flaw
And to say
"You'll get the hang of it"

The darkness is treacherous
There's beauty here
All the things
We've gathered around us
Mere reminders
Of when that heart-shaped locket
Was hung around our necks
As a compliment of being loved.

In this we relish too.
The beast sits in the corner
Content that it's dark here.
Content of the care
You've devoted to it.
The love you've bestoved upon it.
You write the letter
To the ones who await for a word from you.
There's a pillow
Where the wood planks
Stand angeled across each other.

We stay calm
We know our limits.
We know how far we can go
Before we awaken the beast.
One loud noise
And it will open it's eyes
And send it's roar
In to the night.

We know it will not harm us
It will only harm itself.
And so each day
We recondition it
To know that a roar
Is just a roar
And not all men
Who carry sticks
Use them to hit you.

*caring for the beast is love and light in it's own right. For all things that were build to protect us, will one day come to hinder us.
"Love melts all blockages and transforms all life"

It's been years
Since I lived
As much
As I've lived
In these few days
I have never felt
Such a release
Of pure force
As I did
Flipping over
A tracktor tyre
At the Highland Games
With you.
Included in the strongest team
And the nicknames
Keep pouring in.
I haven't received
Such a gift
From anyone
For a very long time.
And the ideas
Just keep piling up.
So then how
Can you claim
To not have your life
Figured out
While you
So effortlessly
Arrange mine
To make me
Happier and healthier?

What are the odds?
I watched her
Plant her lips on his
She was twirling around him
It was like her affection
Was the best compliment he could get.
What were the odds?
She's my sister.
They wrote letters to each other
For 13 years.
When he finally got out
She left her relationship
As to join her true love.
The one that she struggeled
To love for 13 years.
The one that she struggeled
To hate for 13 years.
I smile with joy in my heart
As I watch his contentment
As he finally wraps his arms around her
And the smile and blush
That appears on her face.
Like it was the best compliment
He could've given her.

They really made it
Through everything
Went to hell and back
With each other
And came out victorious.

I decided recently
That maybe I'm better off alone
Just for a while
To sort myself out.
The thought gave me
Immediat and deep peace.
Everything made sense again
And in this moment
As I watch you
In each other's embrace
I know for the first time
That that's what I want for myself
And it's worth the wait.

SEND ME BACK!
She roared to a woman
In a blue dress
Sitting behind a desk
"Please. Haven't you been trough enough"
There was peace here
It wasn't warm or cold
In fact there was no temperature
The stars formed belts in the distance
The gas clouds wrapped themselves
Around this stream of a universe in motion.
There was air here
The weight and the pain was long gone
"You should come home. Let's abort the mission. Just come home"
I'm not staying here, you're sending me back right now!
"Please...there's no place for you on earth"
I'LL BE ****** IF MY MOTHER FINDS ME DEAD, ***** AND NAKED IN MY BED! SEND ME BACK NOW

The heart rate picked up
Automatically the diaphragm responded
Lungs opened up
There's air flow
A stinging pain in the temple
sleep it off*
Said the soul to the brain
As she loaded her guns.

There's a deep shock
In your eyes
As I speak my mind
Relay my most painfull memories
Like it's a movie
And happened to someone else

There are details
And concepts
Within each story
That drive you on edge
You are in touch
With the fact that
It happened to me, your sister
But I'm not

I speak as though
I'm giving you
The plot summary
Of a horror story
That happens to be my life
The scream leaves your lips
"How are you so normal?"

*the mind is a powerfull entity

Mom I know you think
You're angry now
But maybe this will help you
I know you thought
I'd never amount to anything
Even after becoming a teamleader
At the age of 23

Even though you still don't
Believe it of me
Now that I'm one
Of your supervisors
Mrs Governess
So it's time I tell you a few things

I started going out
At the age of 14
I know you thought I was
Staying with my sister
And I really was
But... You know.

I lost my virginity
6 months before you found out
I've had more than one accident
You know aside from the one
That you know of
But to be honest,
I kind of blame you
For never wanting to talk about it
That's not going to
Make it stop from happening

It was me who broke in to the cellar
Sorry I left my keys at home
You know... Even after
You installed that wooden thing
And removed the doorknob
After I did it the first time
You know... To make sure
I wouldn't do it again

I was not selling my body
When I didn't come home
All summer and the easter vacation
I was with the Consul's daughter
Smoking, drinking and getting high
We broke in to some
Abandonned houses
And set a few trash cans on fire

We stole her dad's car
Well they stole, I stood on street
Telling the other cars to turn around
We also stole Pedro's car
Nobody had a driver's license
And there were 6 passengers
I violated a few christian statues
And made out in a confessional

I used to come an hour late
To school on mondays
So I could cash my cheque
At the bank
You know... From the cleaning job
That I did after school
Which is how I got all the money
And no, dark street corners
Had nothing to do with it

We got in to a fight on the bussstation
And almost again
When a girl threatened my sister

Are you still mad
About me quitting
My current job?

What if I were to take two apples
And push them together so hard
That they became one?
Would it hurt them?
Would they grow sick
From the trauma?

It is likely they would.

I am not at loss for words
When you rant on at me
For mistakes I cannot amend.
For having to pick up after me
At a loss for having had
Appropriate instructions.
If you were to yell at me
For everything
That makes me imperfect,
Would I grow sick?

Perhaps I would.

But having have grown sick
So many times in my short life,
It's hard to overthrow
My well-developed immunity system
For any poison that
Leaks from your torn heart.

I'm sorry you grew sick.

But more than that
I'm sorry you are unable
To pick up after yourself
After causing a storm
In your own head
Day after day.
Hour after hour.

But one day you'll learn
To only take in
That which makes you stronger.
We could learn together...
You hold no responsability
For my negative mindsets
If I would stubbornly choose to have them.
And I hold no responsability for yours,
If you stubbornly choose to have them.

I love you.
I love how messed up you are
And how normal you turned out
I look at you over drinks
After work
Both of you
Picture perfect
And neither of you see it
Within yourselves.
It's all
who would want me
And
I'm not good enough
It's all ***** secrets
And things we don't
Want to talk about.
It's all reflections
On all of our faces
As we frown and growl
And point fingers
At who did what.
But in the end of the day
I love you and I know
You all love me
So drop the act
I got all of your backs
And I know you've got mine.
There's alot to be discovered
In how perfectly
We all mirror each other
Giving all of us
Beautifull reflections
Of how we see each other
And each mirror
Is perfect in it's own way.

He drives an Audi

She looked around
Slightly distracted
Am I to gather
From this then
That you are in fact
Interested in him?

Girl I'll love you anyway
You're so ******* random
And truly an exquisite woman
Your childlike innosence
Becomes you.
But what's wrong
With a poor man?

It's all fine, I don't judge
But look out for yourself
Make the wrong choice
And his money
Will always have
The last word.
For better, for worse...
In sickness and in health.

There may be
Something within you after all:
Dumb-struck I look up
At your words
I hope I'll be accomplished*
Well **** girl
I hope that too
And you know what?

I'll be here for support
On your way to that.

I remember the first time
I layed eyes on you
The cracks on your body
Were right there
It was like you wanted
Me to see them
On some level

I saw nothing in your eyes
And I was immediatly drawn to you
Yet I saw no indication
That you felt it too
It was never in your eyes
But it must've been somewhere
Since I heard the exchange

"Did you know she was here"

"no man!"

My heart leaped
But then I saw more than
I could handle
Couldn't get that stupid smirk
Off my face for a week
Couldn't approach you
Any other way
Than the way I did...

But then I was drawn in to a pit
And seemingly you put it there
That's what it looked like:
A trap
A trap for humiliation
And shame.
But in hindsight
It all looks like a big accident.

And I guess I don't blame you now.
Just wish I could read your mind.
Just wish I could leave it behind.
And I do assume that you did.
But then why do I keep running in to you.
On street, in my head, in my dreams.

You left a trace within me
And never even flinched.

"So how did it go"

"Oh fine. Just have to go down and explain a few things"

"Yeah... I heard. That was a little awkward."

"Well yeah but all in all it went pretty well"

"Okay. Explain."

"Well he understood that I just couldn't help myself"

"You mean that you just helped yourself to it"

"Or that. Either way, he said it was fine... you know after he recovered from the panic attack"

"You're telling me, he wasn't upset that you left lipstick on his white shirt"

"Yeah...or...the part where I ran in to him in the hallway and sniffed his neck in the first place..."

"Yeah it wasn't seeing that that upset me either, it was when you wouldn't let go and he just kept saying that was married"

"Everyone could use a compliment"

"Let me get this straight. If a girl does it to a guy it's a compliment and not ****** assault"

"Well us women we just get away with more"

"I hope you get away when his wife shows up with a rolling pin"

"Well if she's going to show up then I hope that he only told her about the part where I sniffed his neck"

"Was there another part to that?"

"...well... I may have tracked down his car and glued a few post-its on it"

"Few?"

"Hmh... I didn't count them."

"And what had you written on the post-its"

"Just hearts..."

"You're going to have to sound more convincing"

"And some ***** phrases"

"Don't go in to specifics... Anything else to declare"

"My undying love..."

"Really? On a post-it?"

"Well to be fair, I did just sniff his neck..."

"You kept it pretty tame then"

"Well he didn't let me anyway. Plus his wife kept calling"

"You're insane"

"I have a good heart"

"Yeah, there are drawings of it glued all over his car..."

You never touched me
Yet I can feel you close by
As strongly as if
You had done it many times before.
The past life regression
Takes me down the path
Of 17 challenging lifetimes
In which you were
The apple of my eye
In all your forms and tempers
Now I know we messed up
As I listen to your trembling voice
In the other side of the phone
I met you 3 years ago
Yet it's the first time I hear it
Your voice, low and hollow
As that of a man
Who has been torn and battered
And grew stronger in the wrong way.
Yet it is firm when you say

I never stopped looking at you. I just couldn't take it anymore

The pull was just as strong on this side of the ocean.
Now it will never work out
The way we imagined
And it doesn't have to.
We have always been stronger
Together than we ever were apart.
Know that I don't blame you
I say to you in the softest tone
A sigh of releaf
I know what I did
That's all I needed to know.
I've walked in your shoes
They fit me just fine.
But I hope you felt all the blisters
As you walked in mine.
I know we'll always pull through
I smile as all the Messages
Fall in their rightfull place.
I was never lied to
Not in the spiritual realms
You've fixed what you broke
I'm more whole now
Than how you've ever known me.

I'd kiss the palm of your broken hands
But that would mess you up ever more.
When you're ready, I'll be there
And you'll always be right here
In my heart.
Just not in the way we imagined.

I sit in your tiny appartment
It carries your soft scent
The flowers on your skin
And rising from the depths
Of your multicolored curly hair
I can hear the call for prayer in the distance
The noise on the street swelles up
I hear pans and pots hitting the pavement
The people chant "şerefine Tayyip", cheers Tayyip
Defying Ergodan with all their might
The teargass stings my eyes and nose
As I toss down a lightbulb
And as it hits the ground
the riotcops hesiate
Then walk on
Scanning the windows for the guilty one
Briefly my eyes fall upon one of them
Who smiles at me with joy in his eyes.

Blindly you stare
At a single point in time
As you tell me
With anger in your voice
How many "hot ******* you ******"

Then persue your point
By arguing that
You would not lower
Your standarts after having had me

I'll take the compliment
But be sure to understand
That only the damaged girls
Would take as much crap
As I took from you

The way I hear you
Is that you need a woman
Who does not need you
So you would not have
The responsability
Of making her happy

The demands are indeed low
With such a girl
But be sure to understand
That the less she needs you
The more likely
You are to lose her
If you continue this way

If she doesn't need you
Then indeed she stays
Because she wants to
But you're not as great as you think
If you expect her
To sway to your each demand
And less than flawless business transactions

If you want a girl
Who doesn't need you
Make sure you
First and foremost
Are the man who doesn't need her
But who stays
Because he wants to.

One can only feel love
To the exact extent they
Have succeeded in loving themselves.
Not because others will not love us more
Than we love ourselves,
But because we will only
Precieve love to the exact extent,
We have succeded in loving ourselves.

Silently he watched the wind, blow
The smoke against the lifeless figures, laughing
At the release of life, praying
As the dust changed the landscape, time
Scattered the bones, but
The soul screamed indignity, venging
As time buried him deeper, the
Devil watched, dispatching angels, portents of death
Screamed the land awake, turning
The dark blood red, tearing
At flesh screaming into the night.
The pain was as deep as the loss
The loss eternal
The people ran
They ran for their lives
Roofs on fire
From a distance,
Looking much like
Large camp fires
Slowly merging in to each other
The people screamed
Had it not been for the vanity
Of the deranged king
The restless village
Would be but that:
Restless
As the deranged king
Reigned with an iron fist


Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney Production

Unerasable...
The curves on body
And why is it
That your hands
Look so soft
Why do I even care?

girl... Out of your league
"Alright, I'm backing out"

Unmistakable...
The colors that glimmer
In your eyes
As the sun touches them
The crooked calm smile
don't do this to yourself

No guilt
I know I'm spot on
Let truth emerge on it's own time
For surely
It always comes out
Make no mistakes
there's nothing at stake
"It's all in my head"

No doubt should have
That head checked out
I hear whispers in the wind
And ghosts talking
A prayer and a loving mantra
The frequency
Of all Saints in heaven
The Divine, the Tao, The Source
The soft whisper of the darkness

Surely so many prophesies
Have manifested vastly
Words left my lips
Of truths I could not have known
And peace invaded my heart
As a soft voice guided me
Through the deepest meditation
Lessons on life emerged
From thin air
Putting chaos in to focus
But not this...

It just tells me to keep going
It will all make sense in time
You're not crazy
But I know better than most
That the deepest lies
Can be so rationally structured
How would I know the difference

PTSD screaming in my head

I hear the voice
The unmistakable voice
Pounding through this space
In my head I smiled
And said "Hi"
But in reality I froze
No words left my lips
Nearly walked in to you

PTSD pounding in my head

But I see nicer things in my sleep
The drowsy breathing
Of the most beautiful man
I've ever set my eyes on

frown
go away

Still no guilt, nope
I know I'm right
Just take your things
And go make life happen
But my soul still goes against me
There must be a good reason
But maybe it's really all in my head

How does one proof
Thoughts, dreams and whispers
When time stands still.
And to you my disengaged partner
Where were you doing overhours?
You know what?
I don't care, just be straight with me.
There's nothing left here anyway.

But Imma be a good girl
Even if it takes forever
No shame of cheating
On my good record of loyalty
Just wonder why
You're still here
too many attachments

Meanwhile...
There's a scent in the air
Just around the corner
On the hallway
if only you were as available
as my thoughts want you to be
I have no secrets
and everything to lose
just ask
*I'll hate it but I'll tell the truth

What's your type?
I question I never understood
I've turned down
Perfectly eligable bachelors
I've taken up a second date
With unbelievable fools
They were all different
The fools lost strength
Over time and space
The bachelors kept coming around
But I kept my head
I have no type
Whether it's good or bad
I still just go with my gut

But then one day
Like a thunderstorm
From the blue
I heard the words
*She? She wants a man she can respect

Who do you want to be when you grow up*

What a strange question...
who would I want to be
But just simply who I am?
What should I want to be
But simply just me?
Just one problem...
I can’t remember me?
Every dream of becoming better
And the process of getting there,
Led me to one thing?
Just me.
It turned out that Just Me
Is burned out.
And all the things that I dreamed of
The simple things
Like being able to get lost in a book
Or cooking three meals a day
And getting some excersise,
Were just there to be done
But how could I,
When all these things
Remind me of me?
If I did all that, I’d own up to myself
And I’d remember me
And everything I’m made of.
But somehow I became it anyway...
There are herbs growing by the window
And my sleep needs less of me,
The excuses to get fit
Have been silenced
And there’s a long list
Of fun things to do
All by myself
There’s a long lost voice saying
“Go for Sunday coffee with a friend”
The will to smoke has left me
And the things I always wanted to do
And always stalled infinitely
Are so close, I can feel them.
There’s still work to be done
But the view you get
Half way up the mountain
Is priceless and I’m grateful.

Dear Governmet
I have watched you for a while now
And it must be said
You need to come down to earth
Have any of you walked among
The regural people lately
Has it occurred to you
That by encrasing the tax
On any comsumption just might
Backfire big time
Each time you ask us to pay more
Criminality increases dramatically
People get sicker than before
You get poorer and basically
You ask us, the people, to get creative

Do not underestimate the masses
We have claimed our rights before
Each time you take from us
We take from you
And let's be honest
You need us more than we need you
Let me remind you that we went
Without you for more than a year
And the economy blossomed
We do not depend on you
However, weather you will
Be able to provide your employees
A villa and a Porche
Depends entirely on us.
Let's be honest
That will only work for so long

someone once said to walk away from that which no longer makes you happy*

I have lived my life
Obeying this wisdom
And I rarely miss
Those I walked away from.
Not because I stopped loving them
Not necessarily because I don't care
But I lost my attachment
Willingly and gracefully
And send them all the best
And hoped they would do well
For themselves.

But what about those few
Who never leave you
No matter how far you ran.
No matter how angry you were
Or how many reasons you had
To stay angry.
I've left situations that
I thought I would never dismiss.
Never looking back
Knowing I just did the impossible.
But what about those few
Who show up in my dreams
Greet my thoughts
First thing in the morning
And haunt me through out the day
Having less than enough reason
To stay in my mind?

What do you still have
To say for yourself?
Is it just that I never should've left
In the first place?
Is it a lesson the same way I teach them?
fine if you believe it to be true, let's test it
Am I now getting a taste of my own medicine?
If I truly believed I could just run off
And really leave it all behind me
As just a bad taste in my mouth?
The lesson being
That if I truly belief it to be true,
It must be tested.
And the universe threw all it's power on me
And gently caught me
As I caved under the pressure
Of my own stubborness.

What's there left to say now?
I can reason what I did perfectly.
It all makes sense.
I had no business in that business.
Except for your gracefull existance.
I had to follow my potential
Which is ironically going to waste
As I'm still not living up to it.
I had no space to co-exist in your life
Nor was it my place
I was just the maid
But ironically you still exist in mine.
And no matter how much
I wish you'd leave my
My mind, my dreams,
No matter how much I wish
To stop feeling that sensation
That turns in to an image of you,
It never ends.

*so please, just tell me what you came for. I'm tired of fighting, you won. Just tell me and I'll give in; just make this stop

It was in that moment
When I watched you
Enter the room
You held the door open
As I was going out.
There's a kindness in your eyes
A fair and just man.
All of which I see
And deeply appreciate.
But it is truly in the way
You sort me out
Without ever losing your temper.
The way you look me
In my eyes and say "no"
In the calmest manner.
You use my name
To adress me.
It's not in the name
But the way you say it.
That makes me smile
And makes me realize
That I will only be
As impossible as you allow me to be.

"Would you love me, if I was anything less, than what I am?"

I wondered while I quietly
Admitted to myself
That I do in fact love you.
I love how we fight
I love how me make love.
I love your hands on me
And your casual caress.

I may have not been
In touch with that fact
For a long time
And for all these years
But it would seems
That indeed there's no place like home.

And it would seem indeed
That home was always with you.
I saw the pain in your eyes
And I knew you were talking about me
When you said:

"You don't know what it's like, when the girl you love, doesn't want you but continues to exist and you just wish you could see her"*

No I don't.
I walk out on people in a second
So they wouldn't walk out on me.
Kind of how you walked out on me
And made me wait
Just sit on my hands and wait.
Always knowing
You took that for granted
Fully aware and bitter in the idea
That you could never fix that.
But maybe you're fixing it now.
6 years later.

John, he said his name was John
I would not have given you
A second look
Let alone answer your mail
Had I not felt so drawn to you
It was beyond me
I'm seeing it happen all over again
I'm a little more humble
And a little more causious
But let me tell you a few things
About what your precious ego
Has accomplished
You've planted the seed of suffering
And you know it
How does your Guide feel about that?
It's easy to play a girl
When you know all the tricks
It's real easy to play a girl
With 20 years extra expirience
On utter stupidity
it is stupidity
Because you know how wrong you were
No need to text me now
I'm done, I'm so done
Take your ego and pride
And hold it dear, close to your heart
But don't come crying to me
When you stand before God
At a lower level than when you started
You lost too much virtue
And you're out of my hands
I cannot help you now

But I will tell you this
At the rate that I distrust
My own judgement and logic now days
As a result of the things you put me through
I may not be far away from you
And believe me
I will come at you for this

Oh dear Lord that's ugly
I wonder how I'll get used to this
Get your **** together
Just grab gently and pull
Yeah that's even worse
Looks kind of like a mushroom
With a coat
Hm, I wonder how that feels
Just smile and look pretty
Did I hear that right
You want me to what?
I'm not putting that in my mouth
Oh fine but no one can ever know
What are you doing
Stop touching that
Huh feels kind of nice
A little awkward
Please don't tell anyone
Why is your tongue in there
I think you like this more than I do
Men are strange

10 years later

Are you going to touch it or what
C'mon lets not wait for the grass to grow
Yours or mine
Did I remember to buy shampoo
Yeah like that
Just a little bit longer
Just a little... Yeah
I just might
Tear those pants off you soon
Incoming text "where are you"
"Argh I was just about to ******"
"Oh sorry, have fun"
"STOP TALKING"
Alright that's enough
Now you just lay there and look pretty
Well what are you looking at
Grab it already
Hm warm hands
You need to work on your game
Yeah like that
Don't stop
I SAID DON'T STOP WHY ARE YOU STOPPING

how is she better than I
Loosely translates to
how am I better than her*

The truth is
That all is fair
In love and war.
So if they love you
Let the past be
What it is.
What we need now
May not be
What we needed in the past
It may not even be
What we will need in the future
It is merely
What we need in this moment.
And it is always perfect
Other wise we would not
Have chosen for it.
Unless we stopped thinking
With our hearts
And chose to think
With our minds
It's a list of pros and cons
And when has that
Ever been a solution
In matters of the heart.

There she sat across me calmly and sternly,
The kind lady who recruited me.
I had no words left to speak out.
They had disappeared in to the cubicle
I used to occupy.
I had kept quiet for the past weeks
Hoping that would soothe the boss
And her relentless persuit of me.

Not once would I regret the things I said
In my poor defence of problems
She caused and the blamed on others.
It wasn't her, I was just not smart enough.
It wasn't her inprudence and a software can't malfunction.
It was never her.

Sure I'm not perfect...
I willingly admit to that any day.
But I wasn't the first one
...and you won't be the last one
She attempted a smile
And said she'd call tomorrow.

But didn't it bother you

Yes but it wasn't worth quitting over

The truth is probably between the lines
And the enthousiasme of a Silverfox
A sweet man who never learned to lie.
Not even about the things
That were never introduced in words.
Or even a touch.

It all seems so unnecessary
But then I remember how she smiled
As he adressed her
And I realised my mistake
And what she was a victim of this time.
But it was never her fault.
I simply walked in to her territory...

The soft whisper said
turn on the tv
find the local sports channel
And like commanded by
A higher force
I did
And there you were
They would call this
a happy coinicindence
But I do not believe in coincidence
Mostly because the sports channel
Is a foreign concept to me.
I know it was not an easy day for you
But I smiled at the sight of you.
Hope you're ok :)

Saturday, to work for an hour
It's surgery day
I know you don't care
But I'm sure
We can find other things to do
In the weekend

Regardless here we are
I watch you cut open the gums
And start drilling a whole
Piece by piece
You open up the gap
I know the principal from
My days in mechanics

Each time I see you here
In the operation room
You do something
To affirm your dominance
Last time you threw
A carpule, needle included
At the non-sterile assistant

This time you invade the space
Of the sterile assistant
Making her have to assume
The most unergonomic position
I could possibly imagine.
Yeah who cares
We're just assistants
No high degree

In a flash I hear it again
As I watch you
Do things that the technician
Within me, does not agree with
the first thing mechanics do
With a plan from the ingeneer
Is tear it down

Here I'll be the mechanic:
One does not put
Two implants to support
A bridge of four elements!
But hey you're the boss
Have it your way.

the severing of ties
that's what it was called
but they never faded
never vanished
and never made way
for anything else.

there was the pen
to be followed
as you moved it
before my eyes
and the words to remember
of a language
I would never come to perfect.

there were tests and games
I tracked you down
and sat by the tree.
drew hearts around your shoe tracks.
there were issues and wagers.
and nothing ever changed.
my heart always smiled at you.

and you asked yourself
who was the love of my life?
it has always been you.
and him
and her
and them.
now who is the love of your life?

I swallowed the sings of you
the traces, the links, the connection.
and humored you
by calling it accomodation
instead of stealing.
and you laughed
so I guess I'm off the hook.

what the mind thinks, the body becomes*

If I continuesly hate myself
For the way I look
Will my body not become resentfull
Surely, nobody wants to be
Told off all day long

Today a lady said to me
Don't change, now you look good
I resisted the urge to say
"I looked good 10 kilos ago"
It makes sense that others don't see it
They don't love their own bodies

So instead I told her
"Love your body and it will love you back"
However never use your love
As a conditioning technique
It will surely backfire.

So if I close my eyes
And tell my hands to type a word
They will surely do so
Not just because I can blindtype
But because my body knows how.

And if I close my eyes
And tell my body to hold on
To the last thing I see as I fall
My hands will never miss
Such is the intelligence
Of the mind-body connection.

So if I tell my body
You can adjust to anything painlessly
Surely she can do so

She has done it many times before
Even as I resisted the urge to run away
In order not to rip myself apart
But I never ripped
Because my vessel
Is as flexible as I humbly request her to be
And she knows it.

It's almost like you're here
I can almost feel your fingers
Tangled with mine
The heat that radiates from your body
The echo of your heartbeat
The sound of your voice
That sends a steady vibration through me
As it rises from somewhere within you
But I guess what I like the most
Is how calm you come across
You stand so steadily in your shoes
It brings out all my insecurities
Not that this is what you want
But I finally understand what it's like
To be the recipient of such a strong energy
That radiates from your heart
It's almost like you're here.

Once we walked in the sun
Where the fragrant flowers
Were obvious, nothing special
The sun burned our skin
And we streched our wings
God was ever present
And smiling upon us

Yet somehow in the shadows
Of a tree in the country side
A beast grabbed us
How it ever came
To walk among us
Is a peculiarity
A curiosity that swallowed us whole

We lost faith
The Light is a dream for the naive
The beast is the toughest reality
In which we relish
In order to not get dumbstruck
As it devours us
Digging it's claws in to our skin

Stay faced with that reality
We weren't unlucky
We were faced with truth
The Light is just a distant dream
You know, for the naive.
Here the candles burn
In all their medival splendor.

Here rest the heart-shaped lockets
That hide a watch within them
As it numbly ticks away
Counting our time
In the place where
Time over distance
Is merely an expression
Because nothing ever changes here.

But there's Light somewhere
We smile as we think back
Resting assured that it will never come back to us.
It's a distant dream.
You know, for the naive.

But we're no fools.
God saved us once
Yet we've stayed within this abyss
Of the marks that were
Cut in to our skin
Because this is reality.
And it will hit us as we enter the Light.

*but there are hands reaching out to us, never giving up. Not even after we gave up on ourselves. They know the true meaning of "naive". Which is what we are as we sit helplessly in the dark. It's a naivety in it's own right as Light is a reality in it's own right

How momma raised her girls

Buck up girl
Make peace with your sister
Ain't no man
Gonna to take care of you
All you got is each other

Chin up girl
If he playing
You know to learn
What he does
And beat him at his own game

Never settle for
Anything less
Than what a man
Can get
If he can do it
You can do it

Baby girl
Never let anyone tell you
What you should do
As a woman
Unclog your own **** sink
Change your own **** tyre

Pay your own **** bills
And buy your own **** rings
Want a nice dress
Go work
Want those shoes
Walk the miles
That earn them

And I have.
Sure I didn't always
Stand on my own feet
But I got my sisters and my girls
coz all we got is each other*

And sure as hell
Us girls never
Tore each other down
But build each other up
Never competing for a man
If he can't choose
On his own

That's how we kept the peace
That's how we grew strong
And there's love in the ghetto
And some girls
With a back bone
And their game face on.