It hurt, it always hurt
But when it was with them,
It wasn’t so bad.
It wasn’t even bad, it was addictive.

In the world of unlikely friends
People like them
Were the equivalent of a shot of Jack
After a ****** up day or week.

Then he smashed that glass on my face
And forced himself on me.

He shoved his fingers in my ***
So hard I came.
Later that week he watched
Me get wet through my trousers,
In the mirror behind me.
All that from just a conversation.

And if it had been anyone else,
I would’ve kicked them out.
It was hardly a question of being unable to defend myself.

But in their hands
Pain and pleasure slept in the same bed.
In my bed, between my legs
And made out till dawn.

If it had been anyone else,
Heads would’ve rolled.
But he just gave me a painkiller
And rubbed benzodiazepine on my skin.

And somewhere between
Them pulling my hair
And threatening me
You know to make it feel more real

I fell in love...

Momma is kind
Momma is soft
Momma held me close
She made the tears stop
She ended the hunger pain
With her own body
Momma said with a smile
"It's gonna be ok"
Momma said
"I love you baby girl"
She's my favourite in the world
She is the founding force
Of my very existence
She and my daddy.
She's the most beautiful woman
I have ever seen
I am her and she is me
So then I must be pretty too, right?
Momma is always right
Momma knows it all...
Momma looked in the mirror and said
"Oh God I'm ugly and fat, what does your father see in me?"

He never hit me
She said and we believed it
Okay, that's fine
Relief and gratitude
It wasn't that bad...

Am I going crazy?
I remember the arguements...
And the black eye...
I remember them fighting
And the red marks on her cheeks

"My baby girl won't talk to me"
"Mom that's not your fault"
"I protected her
He was trying to hit her
She was just a child.
She went to hide under the chair"*

Speaking of the places we used to hide
The closet, under the table, behind the couch,...
Stop yelling
He came home drunk
And I went to sit on his lap
He pushed me on the floor.

She never snitched on him...
Her lips sealed tight
She never said a word...

If there was a world that I could hold in my palm, I would gift it to you.

But that would not please you.

If there was a book, that contained all the words for Love, in all expressions in the universe, I would lay it by your feet.

But that would not impress you.

If there was an act of respect and reverence, the way I feel it, I would perform it.

But you would not want it.

Nor would I find it adequate in what I'm trying to say.

In the end I would not do any of the above...

Because the only way, I ever got through to you, was through a simple kiss... through the touch of my hands and the words within my soul, too complex for the human mind.

So I guess, I'll simply kiss you, knowing, that that has always been enough.

It's gym class
Laughter fills the space
Test Artistic Gymnastics today
The long ocean blue mat
Streched across the floor
Either you got it or you don't

Elisabeth, the clumsiest
Sweetest girl I know
Bright and kind
Easy to influence
A little shy...
Mischief is my middle name

She runs towards the middle
I wait and analyse
Her slender body arches forward
A moment before her hands
Touch the ocean blue mat
Preparing to place her weight on them...

"WATER!!!"
Distracted she loses balance
Now laying flat on the ground
She screams at me
I laugh and run off
Persued by a D-

Scrolling through all the pictures
We took of ourselves
All up to no good
What kind other shenanigans
Could we still have gotten
Ourselves in?

For each insult
We had a laugh
For each injustice
We had a sarcastic remark
The memories flow through me
The pain inflicted upon us
And all the tears that flowed
As a result of chaos.

We broke rules and vows
The vows friends make
We broke each other's hearts
And we broke mindsets
Only to glue them back together
In the right order this time.

But beneath this all
There was something deeply personal and unrelated...

I trew a rock and an insult
Through the glass
That protected your ivory tower
I hated you for all the wrong reasons
And barricated myself in
For all the right reasons

But then when I lost
The will and the strength
To go through all the details again
The continuous rambling that goes through my brain
I found myself disarmed
In the fact that when it comes down to it

I just got my heart broken
And threw in my own windows
In the process of it all
Because I couldn't break any more of yours
The screams of pain
And the tears of sorrow
Have emerged from beneath the anger
And I have nothing left
To arm myself with against you.

The flowers were in bloom
The sun painted the sky pink
Contrasted by blue clouds
She picked the flowers
One by one
Her eyes taking in their sleepy glow

Before her appears a golden orb
Approached her heart
And took it for it's own forever
There was no resistance
Because that was it's home all along
He was always there

There's something beyond
You perfectly balanced body
Beautifully curving lips
And those kind eyes
Indeed
There is something beyond
Your well trained abbs
Your arms that invite an embrace
And perfectly shaped strong posture

There's something beyond
The way you look
That makes me want to
Peel your clothes off
And run my tongue
All over all of you
It's not the cylindrical shape
That according to statistics
In my animal brain
Should be as impressive as you

That's not it
However pleasurable it might be
But there is something within you
That makes me want to
Test your limits
In the kindest and softest way
To explore your body
And hopefully impress you too
It is within my ***** mind
Where I realise all the things
I'd love to do on to you

On to you
On top of you
Below you
On my knees
On your knees
On my hands and knees

You get the picture

Everything you need
Will come to you
At a perfect time
I may have spent
Two years
Asking the same
******* question
"When"
The answer was within
The gentle smile
That was cast down
To my crown

when you're ready*

I did my time

I ended it
And **** worked out
New job
The kind I love
Paris at the end
Of the next month
New employer
Casually calls it
A teambuilding trip
All expenses included.

New place to live
Money pouring down
Driver's lisence
Should be around the corner now
It's like clock work
Still I wonder
What clock are you watching?

Would love to syncronize with you.

The lines on his face didn't bother her
And she asked for it not to bother him
She didn't see an old man
But a kind man
A smart man

A man who, against all odds
Hadn't let the world make him cruel
Who allowed a fresh breeze
In his life
And therefore her life

She respected his suffering
Honored his soul, mind and body
And loved each inch of him
She didn't see lines on his face
She saw a kind man
A smart man

He saw games
He saw what he couldn't have
He saw the cruelty of the world
Embodied in her
Yet she had done nothing wrong

"Nothing" in the way
That perhaps her biggest mistake
Had been to allow herself to love him
To speak the words with kindness
And withstand each strike to her person

Months rolled in to years
And nothing changed
Perhaps this would prove him wrong
Or indeed it might prove him right
Only two people know

Last night I spoke to your soul
So different from your mind
Yet exactly the same
You should know
It has been lost
But never seperate from you

My heart burst open
As you approached my Crown
Fear me not, our karma is undone
I know you don't remember
That we had our rough times
But we had great lives too

You might find me in the woods
But I am always with you
And you are always in my heart
And although I might chuckle
When you slide down the hill
You should know:
I only laugh at the ones I love

I needn't travel to see your heart
It's always been connected to mine
And although you may not
Speak highly of yourself
My soul, mind and heart
Speak highly of you

There was a depth
In your eyes
A dimension undiscovered
I guess that's what I wanted
There was an over exposure
To the depth of your heart
And the cruelty of man
Indeed the man
For I've never seen a woman
Do such a thing
But perhaps it's my expirience only
And perhaps it was not
What you intended
Perhaps there are lessons
To learn as to why
You continue to appear
In the depths of my mind
After all these months
I still have no peace
Not from you
However I have made peace
With not having you
Giving up sends me
In to the deepest end of the pool
Ironically there's nothing
Nothing else to do
Than to give up.
So then what?
Should I believe
In fairy tales?

The whispers never tell me
What to think but rather
Ask me questions
Untill I find the right answer.

*In to the Valley of Death rode the six hundred

Am I overthinking this?
You took me to a game center
And we played a board game
You bought all the drinks
And didn't want to split the cheque
You said it several times
"Nothing, you're just cute"
We've been friends for years
And my alarm system goes off
You've done this before
With another girl
I remember you telling me about it
You wanted to know
If she was compatible with you
Are you trying to lure me in to a date
Without asking me out?

Your voice shook
"What are you doing?!"
that's my daughter!
Alcohol on your rapid breathing

Skillfully he mumbled something
An elaborate excuse
It's normal

The fury on my mute face
DON'T YOU EVER COME BACK

He sat down
I watched you try
Try to wrap your mind around it

Blood runs thicker than water
He was your brother
Rest in pieces you sick ****
But blood runs thicker than water

If only you had had momentum
If only you had...
Yet you were still on time
Dad, the conquering hero

Because blood runs thicker than water...
And when it comes to the offspring
I'm blood
And you're water.

As if he read my mind:
"I'm never coming back"

If it wasn't for my fair looks
Would I ever have known
The pleasures of
Being harassed on street
And not just by strangers

If it wasn't for my ***
Would I ever have known
The infinite degradation
Of the female body
And all that comes with it

If I wasn't able to push
An infant through the birthcanal
How would I ever have known
How weak the fairer *** is
Was it not Freud himself
Who said that women were
Built to sit

Yes Freud that's what wide hips are for.

If it wasn't for all the silenced voices
Of the women before me
How would I have known
To simply accept being
Labeled "weird"
For having an opinion
And something to say

If it wasn't for the constant threat
Of being rendered speechless
Powerless
How would I have known
Not to make eye contact
While speaking to people

If it wasn't for my gender...
I mean your gender
And all it's glorious wars
Massacres and genocides
How would I have known my place

I went to the wake
For dear passed Olaf
cheers buddy
I lost the filter on my mouth
Within 30 minutes
And it was like
I was myself again
I've never been proper
No need to pretend here

I finally spoke with her
The girl with whom I share an ex
And we avoided the subject
It was like a silent agreement
She was so much nicer
Than I thought!
She roared from laughter
As I swiftly rejected
The poor candidate...
Women are cruel

I walked to South Antwerp
Only to recognize
In-And-Out-Of-Jail-Joessef
I did not see your face
I just knew
But you know, we don't have to
Be friends or anything...
Carry on.

I drunk dialed my sister
Who then drove me
To party in a bumfuck town
And it was kind of fun
stop looking, it isn't going to happen
no matter how much you went to my highschool

But the beer was cheap
And the company was good
I'm starting to like this
Single girl deal
come and go as I please
Life's good.

How it really feels?
How it feels to be spiritual?
Suppose it feels
Less like a prison
That we would call the body
Suppose I feel
That my energy is limitless

Suppose it feels
Like being everywhere at the same time.
But there's no chaos.
And sometimes when I close my eyes
I see all these people
From all over the world
I watch their lives
And smile without
A hint of judgement
Just love.

That's what being a servant is about; they need that judgementless smile

What a Message sounds like?
I suppose it feels
Like someone is
Gently blowing in my hair
At times I feel God
There's golden light
Within my body
That I've come to see as
More like a permeable membrane.

And sometimes
I feel various energies
Close to my body
"Are you coming? Can you please help me?"
Without hesitation
The strength of my essence
Replies by extending
A part of me
To the conflict
That needs attention.
My mind rarely watches it
But I know I'm serving
On some level.

You asked me if I wanted
to go to the movies
Said you had an extra ticket
And here I'm doing the math:
On your party last weekend
Your boyfriend analyzed my boredom
The empty look in my eyes
Quickly I proceeded to having fun

A few days later you forwarded
Two job adds from your account
One of which I was underqualified for
But thanks for the compliment
One was to work at a Bio store
Thanks for the gross generalisation
But sincerely thanks for the effort x

And finally today out of the blue
You have one extra ticket
That's you, him and me
Free tickets come in pairs Sis
It's either 2 or 4
And so I asked you:
Is this an intervention?
"...no... See you saturday"
Hope you recovered well
From the violent pantsfire :)

I heard your voice
As you playfully
Hopped by
Not even remotely surprised
As I had fealt your energy near
For the past few days
I knew I'd see you somewhere

I looked at her
The girl you were with
She looked just like me
No reference just a coincidence
She even felt like me
As younger version
As she growled the words
"Man *****"

I sighed at you
The way I always do
It's not the right time to tell you
I just smiled at her
Frowned at you
And casually confirmed.
My dear young friend
Lessons on evolution #1:

You have trained yourself
This big indeed to attract a woman
It is widely known that
Women often perfer the alpha male
But consider in to your calculations
That men have evolved to
Protect the mother and the offspring
You do not come off reliable
When it is widely known
That you are in fact a man *****.

Evolutionary trait #2:
Women talk
The rootcause for this
Is the safety and quality of
Indeed the offspring.
If you display undesired behavior
You're in danger of never finding a girl.
Because... Women talk.
As nice as I know you are
And as intelligent and kind
That **** doesn't fly with anyone.
Get your **** together.

What if we were to
Give everyone in our hearts
A number as a name?
Each of these numbers
Multiplied by each other
Would give us a result
That defines
Who we have become
And how we live our lives,
How we make our choices.

Maybe mum is a 5
And dad is a 2
Maybe my two home girls
Are an 8 and a 7.
And my sisters
Are a 3 and a 4
Then I would be 6720.
Maybe I'm a 9 to someone else...
But this is not what defines me
But rather how I define others.
My impact on them.

Someone once said
That all is nothing
And nothing is all.
To find out what "nothing" means
We must first ask
What "everything" means.
Maybe we all just want to be a 0.
That perfect stadium
Of being everything and nothing
All at once.
The perfect balance
The golden middle way.
The Source.

So then if you
Make me feel
Like I can no longer
Be defined by exterior digits
Then are you multiplying
My whole life and everything in it
By 0, thus making me 0?
Does it mean that the way
To the perfect balance
Is to let the numbers be what they are
And letting you neutralize me
And render me to nothing
And everything all at once?

An angel sitting on a great stone
With a playful smile watching life unfold
Gazing upon the roads unraveling
The birds chirp along
The heat of the sun on her skin
"Look!" Holding a ladybug
And God smiles and replies "you look"
Pointing ahead
Her breath stuck in her throat
A blush on her cheeks
Eyes wide open
She takes in the view
The most beautiful creature on earth
Ahead stands her reflection
The other half, the missing piece
"Go on" God encourages her
She approaches and quickly laughter echoes in the forest
They speak, share, touch and eventually become One
The intence joy, deep true happiness
Comfort and safety of home
Like the light comes from the inside
For the Source is Love
And Love is the Source of Love of the Source
"Come home now, there will be time to play later" says a whisper in the wind
With an angry blush she looks up and asks:
"But then why did we come if we were only to be seperated...?"

"It won't last forever"

Reluctantly she grabs the hand of God
And walks away, tears in her eyes
For they can never be whole alone
And never fully alone
The deepest seperation is the one
One has within themselves
And if he was not a part of her
Then nothing was.

All things considered
I can honestly say
That my existance
That is still on going
Is not to be taken for granted

I sat in the bus
As I slowly realised
What the odds were high
That I might no longer be here
That there would be
A gravestone with
My name on it

Not for the things I did to myself
But for the things that were done to me
Despite always fighting back.
I never gave up on myself
On my body
I finally saw my escape route
And took it

All things considered
It's a miracle
That I can gaze
Upon my resume
And say that for my age
I've done exceptionally well
For someone who
Has trouble planning
For future

All things considered
It's a miracle
I still enjoy the touch
Of a man's hands
And that through
A mischevious smile
I can say
"I drive a stick"

All things considered
My heart is exceptionally full
Exceptionally whole
And exceptionally loving
And even though my mind
Sometimes throws in
The towel and pulls the plug
It's exceptionally strong

Some would say
I grew stronger
And they surely must have
But the way I see it
I would rather say
abscence of Divine Presence is impossible

For all the times
I took refuge in Light
As the dark swallowed me whole
And for all the times
My suffering was removed
By a single prayer
Or a short meditation...

We're not lucky
We're blessed.

3 children in overalls
Tiny mittens on their small hands
And red wool knitted hats
It's -25*C and snow covers the land
Frozen in fine layers
White dust beneath the hard shell

It's Dad's weekend
He forgot to pick them up
But mum is flexible and drove them over
Mum says to wait downstairs
The girls sit in the snow
Buiding the world's biggest snowcastle

Maybe when dad wakes up
He can shovel up the snow
And give advice on the structure
Mum is kicking the door
Still no answer, he sure is a good sleeper
But then Lisa had enough

Stand back mum I'll wake him up
There he peeked from behind the curtain
Now open the door.
Stop playing and open up
Dad open the door
C'mon girls, dad's not home

Dad is home, I saw him argued Lisa
I'm never coming back, Lauren decided
And I'm going to wait here until he comes out, said Daisy
Sorry girls, I mixed up the days

Dear Ebony,

I've watched you struggle
I've heard your frustration
And girl I get it
But let me tell you this

**** "Becky with the good hair"
Let your natural beauty
Come forth as it is
For it is truly
One of natures marvels
Wear your hair
The way you want it
But never forget
That you don't have to do anything
To enhance yourself
You're exquisite the way you are.
Don't worry about them lips
They're a jewel
On your royal features
Don't worry about the trousers
If they don't fit
Your beautifully curvatious body
The trousers are no match to you.
And **** the system
Wear that afro
And rock your the **** out
Of your flawless genes.

You're amazing,
Love,
The white girl

There's a gray mist
Playing in the still
Morning air
I follow her footprints
The girl running
Ahead of me
Dressed in white
Her long blonde hair
Playing on her sholders
I nearly catch
The back of her dress
She turns still
Slightly playful
And faces me
I stop in realisation
I'm trying to catch myself
Mischeviously she laughs
And runs off again

In the silence of the night
Blissful unravelling of the mind
I run down a sand road
The kind they have everywhere
In this forest covered land
Chasing the girl in the white dress
Her hair dancing on her back
She turns to glance at me
I reach out and grab her shoulder
She turns to face me
My reflection smiles at me
Then laughs my laugh
Smiles my smile
With my mischievious smirk on her face
She chuckles
"Tag you're it!"

The homeless
More often than not
We assume that they
Made themselves that way

Perhaps this is true
To some extent
But I think that
Maybe we're all responsible

Even if it's just a little

A friend of mine
Has a real heart for adventure
She came to see me
And hung out all night

With, yes, the homeless.

They had as much cash
As she did
She was not homeless
Just reckless

Yet she gave what she had
To a young man
Who looked after her
In a strange country

(After she took off to explore the city on her own)

He wanted to exchange
A loaf of bread
For his bike
With two flat tires.

She found more
Genuine common desency
Within them than most people
Who have it all.

"Don't worry girl, I've got your back"
Knowing full well
That she was on street
Just out of curiosity

Some of them really
Just need someone
To look at them
And see

A real human
With the same heart
The same mind
And the same emotions

As everybody else.

I will not think differently
Of you, if one day
I drop a euro in to your cup
Or you drop one in mine.

"I'm sorry sweety
But you have a problem
You can't read
This is third grade
You don't even know what you read
You can't even spell

Please pick a hand
You can't write with both
This is your problem
This is the cause
Of your learning disability"

So I picked a hand
And wrote with left
Unaware of the fact
That I shared all other tasks
Between the two

So I asked for a book
For christmas and my birthday
Please give me fairy tales
And I read an hour a day
Two out loud
on the weekends

I read all about
Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty
I read Pippi Longstocking
Cover to cover

Change of enviornment did the trick
Second year in a new country
And my lowest grade was 8,5
I read all afternoon
And wrote my heart out
I corrected past tendencies
Mistakes other kids got away with

So here's the silver lining:

You may not be the best at everything
But take the challenge anyway
I still struggle with this everyday
Each craft is a channel
For your genious

Never use the word "impossible"
You are setting limits
Where there should be none
For surely, the only thing that matters
If how much you enjoy it.

Protestantism class, mid term
63%, I passed the exam
Fair enough, as I don't really care
What happened on the 6th day
Our teacher is nice though
Only three students in his class

The bells goes off
We gather our things
And wait in the hallway
Still in deep conversation
With our teacher
He puts the key in the lock

Walks to the back to close
The windows tight
I look in his eyes as he makes his way
To the door and with confusion on his face
He watches the door close before him
The keys are on my side

She walked in and stood by the door.
The question how are you
Had released a verbal waterfall
Of anger and insults in to the air.
Suddenly, mid-rant her eyes froze.
She burst in to tears
As her heart burst in her chest
Of reasons she did not want to tell me.

I held her close and whispered to her.
She cried her tears of sorrow
And slowly we reconstructed
Her future in to something more solid.
Then came the second sister.
She didn't want to talk about it.

She had a depth in her sigh
Of a mother who had lost her will
Who had lost hope
And lay curled up in a corner.
There's isn't much to be done now.
But hope for better days.
There were three broken hearts
Sitting in my orderly livingroom.

So we changed scenes
I walked in to the city
To meet people I've never met.
There was an infinite stair case
To what turned out to be paradise.
There were field flowers and greens
More candle holders
Than I've ever seen...

There were two boys
Who seemed to have it all
In their cluddered pach of heaven.
And that is where we found ourselves.
I welcomed myself
In to my own heart
And decided it was time for a change.
For good this time.

There I stood
About to join the back of the line
As our eyes met
You were the tiny guy
Looking quickly
From the corner of your eye
Almost like you had no right to.
I briefly made note
Of the shy glare
You threw at me
As I struggled with
A whole new warderobe
And some daring lingerie
For the hell of it.  

As I stood chatting
With the colorfull cashiere
It hit me: you're Kevin
The memories came flooding back
You and your brother
Chauffered us around
For a brief while
In the summer of 2007.
I always wondered
How someone with
A severe growth disorder
Managed to stay
So incredibly sweet.

You were always a good boy
5 years older than me
And 15cm smaller than me
Your brother always
Protected you from harm.
But now tell me...
Were you embarassed
When we played
"Pass the ice cube"
And I kissed you full on the mouth?
Understanding full well
That that was your first kiss.
I wasn't making fun of you
I merely felt that someone
With a heart like yours
Should've been kissed
A long time ago.

There's dirt on me
The bruises you left on me
Will not come off
The cocoa you made
Somehow always tasted different
how did your mum run out of sleeping pills
Much did I know
That **** ended up in my cup
The stinging headaches
Presistant stomachaches for weeks
My hairline hurts
There are black bruises on you
even while high as a *******,
I still fought back
Your fingerprints in blue of my throat
Never blue enough to really notice anything wrong
Insomnia when you weren't there
it's three AM again
The images flash by
Calmly I observe the memories
While my body shuts down
Coldsweat, nothing's real
I know what's happening to me
A new wave of recollections
Of the sickest kind
The tears run down
If only I knew why
Where did the blood come from
There's a cut in my skin
That wasn't there yesterday
Get the scent of ****** off my hair
The ***** off your sheets
Calmly you ignored my amazement
Knowing I remembered nothing
Of what you did to me last night.

If there's been a lifetime
Where I've had to fight
For my God given right to be sane,
Then this must be it.
It's a lifetime that contains within it
A constant silver lining.

It's not because I've suffered
That that should hinder me.
The clean-up just takes more time.
More persistence and faith
To wash the dirt off my worn hands.

And as I gaze out of the window
Of the large office building
Which somehow stumbled
On to my winding path,
I see cranes and constructions.
Humanity's lego blocks,
Reflections of our deepest selves.

I smile and come to realise
Somehow, this view
Looks much like myself...
Always building, never giving up
Always on the look out
For better solutions and structures.
It must have been
Humanities gift to me...

The orange winter sun
Caresses this view
And with it
It caresses my broken hands.

A lightbeam came down to your crown
As your gentle fingers caressed the keys
I knew it would be extraordinary
You bowed your head and smiled
I sat on the edge of my seat

Then as if someone was whispering notes
In to your ear, you played
My heart tore open and I smiled
With my whole being
Tears ran down my face
Soft, happy tears

What your music told me
Will remain a mystery
Sure I could ask
But I'd rather not know
In stead I will come to hear you play
Let your soul touch my heart again

The stepcounter is passed 20km
My joints hurt and my muscles cramp
I'm sweating like a pig
My hands tremble from the effort
The list is still long
There's no massage in the world
That could ever fix this
My back jams and I'm only 26

The girls say you lose
5kg in the first days
I cannot disagree
As my clothes don't feel the same
On my day off I sit completely still.
Letting my muscles get cold
Would cause an agonising cramp
From neck to wrist

The sheets need changing again
Two beds of 20kg per room
If only each member
Of the Canadian rowing team
Hadn't ****** off in them
The biggest hick-up is
That I have to seperate
The sheets from the tissues

And then there are the blokes
Who just won't sit down to ***
Or flush the toilet
I'll give you three guesses
Where these hands have been today
Don't even get me started on
Tampons and **** pads
***** hairs in the tub
And dried up food
In the hotel's black teacup

A euro for your effort...
Which I'd happily spend
Shoving up your... :)

If I told you that I loved you
Would you feel like you had to say it back?
And why would you say it?
Is it the stinging hint of guilt you'd feel,
When you realise, you never thought about me that way?

I'm just a person you know.
Or would you nodd with a smile
And preserve those words
For the moments
When you suddenly feel
That you in fact love me back,
And speak the three word sentence then?

Probably not.
You'd smile and fluently
Return those three words.
I would mean what I say
And you'd return hollow words
To ease my discomfort
Of the truth
That it hadn't even occurred to you.

You might shrud your sholders
And think to yourself
That perhaps, I'm only saying that,
To confirm, that I deserve love.
And you might be right
But then why do you
Feed my need for confirmation?

I guess in the end of the day
All we need to do
To preserve ourselves
Is exactly that; preserve ourselves.
Life is not a 5 step plan
And you may not find
The love of your life right away.

But then meanwhile
You can be the love of your own life.
And then when someone special shows up
You'll have all those things
You wanted for yourself and got
To share and to discover.

There's a sorrow in your voice
As you struggle to say it again:
there are no girls like you
I patiently explain to you
That you are simply
Not open to receive them

Still don't want to be your girlfriend
Not now, in the future or ever again
I'm sorry for the time you wasted
But you keep coming to me
And I'm not the kind of girl
To leave you alone
When you are breaking down

Just wish you'd stop asking me to be yours
I won't give in to you
There is no point in fooling around
And let's be fair
This was officially the worst ***
Either of us have ever had
It was so bad, it needs a title
The Horrible *** of 2016

But as I'm being fair
I do not enjoy it as much
As I would've otherwise
Because it's not you
I want to sleep with

There's a scent in the air
It's not really here
It's in my head
And as I laugh at your jokes
I see the source of the scent
Casually passing me by
In the distance

I did nothing
The scent would never reach me
And I have peace with that.
Peace with my own problems
And a heart that strongly believes
That if you always run in
To the same problem,
Then the problem is you.

So then I can assume
That I am not your problem,
You are your problem.
And the scent guy is not my problem,
I am my problem.

I was just a little girl
About 5 years old
As you made your second attempt
On my persona
Pushed me on to the table
And forcefully started
Removing my clothes

It had not been enough
That I had no compassion
Zero empathy
For what you claimed
To be sorrow over loneliness
go play with your own friends

Bet you had none.

The understanding came to me
In a split second
As I saw the blue light
Within the depths of my heart
Growing larger
Gathering power

I knew now
That I was not
To plead
To beg
To ask
But to demand
Like grown-ups demand

stop

The command left my lips
With the intensity of the Source
Compressed in to my lungs
Tears came to your eyes
I approached your sobbing body
And you ran
Like cowards run
Never having layed a hand on you
The blue flame saved me

And left me with no memory

The anger boiled up again.
I wondered whether it would ever go away.
What was it about all this
That triggered me so intensly?
Was it just frustration?
Or was it frustration
Boiling up from helplessness?
I was powerless against the flash backs.
Powerless against my past, my mistakes,
My inability to allow harm on others.

But I was still here.
Where do I go from here?
What is anger?
Is it simple self-defence?
And if so, against what?
I was trying to find reasons for my pain
Only to realise, that there is none.
Because there is no reason within me
Because I was not the root cause.

It wasn't until I opened my eyes
To the reasons of others
That I realised, that it had nothing to do with me.
I let the pain die away
I was the collateral damage
Of someone else's inner war.
So I removed myself
In understanding that I would never grow sick from this...
They would grow sick from having done what they did.

And in that moment, I felt compassion.

I forgave.

The fear never left
I could still lose everything
To someone else's inner war.
So then what is fear...?

Tick tock
And the days pass by.
What am I doing
But letting it.
Some call it depression.
I called it an impasse
All the pawns are set to place
No one moves
And no one gets hurt.

But I linger in my bed
Half asleep, half awake
As your scent passes
Through the hallways of my memory.
Or is it my insanity?
The warmth of hands caressing me
And children singing
Of the sleeping beauty.

Am I asleep, awake or just crazy?
There is only so many closets to clean
Yet mine just keep pouring
Their quite strange contents.
I woke up unable to move mostly
My arm slowly rising in the air
As though I was to touch the ceiling
And the voice of a polite little boy
“When you come down
We’d like to know how you’ve come to levitate”
The memory of the will to kiss him
We were only children...
Children’s dreams...

Yet I still have no wings to fly
And the child within me must obey.
People don’t really fly, do they...?

Is some years someone will say
That Lily, she sure was a riot.
There's something to be said
About the vague mocking
I cast upon myself.
If it wasn't for my misfortune
I would not have had
Such dark sense of humor.
I'd rather put myself on the spot
Than give you the pleasure.

If there was a statue
For all the broken women
Would she smile?
I'm sure she would.
I guess I would, if it was me.

There's gratitude in the peace
That resides in my so called
Lonely home.
I'd rather kick back
On my own
Put my feet on the table
Than spend another minute
With a man
Who needs a trophy wife.
For I'm certainly no trophy.

So unpredictable
I can't tell what I'll do next.
My lips tear apart in speech
At the first sight
Of flawed logic
If not of you, then of me.
I'd smile, laugh and mock myself.

But the wounds are on the mend.
In the midst of the process
I'd only wonder
"Is it a witch burning or a burning witch?",
Is there love to be found
To cast upon my abusers
And how much suffering can I take
Before my mind collapses on itself
And I'm introduced to the padded room.

At fear of losing my mind,
I can only work harder
To regain my mental states
And hope that someday
I'll be free of the streams
That pull me away
For thinking straight.
I spill my guts
Sit through the cold sweat
And grind my teeth
Knowing, that someday I'll understand.

I knew I still had
All your letters
All the train tickets
All the e-mails and
Your baby picture.
The stuffed animals
And the t-shirts you gave me.

But there were so many
Beautifull things
Within the storage box
That contained them.
There were pictures
Of my childhood
The swimming club membership
All the attendace cards
And key chains
The metallica back pach.
And my grandfather's dentures.

Inbetween all the smiles
There was the odd sting.
I think of all the phases
I went through
All the friends and lovers
All the long forgotten parties
Still living inside this box.
Times have changed.
Yet as I lay my head
To rest on your chest
Like we used to,
You say

You haven't changed at bit. Not even a little

Maybe we never change.
Maybe what we think changes.

Someone once said
If you subtract your age
From 66 and add 50
You'll get your birthyear
I smirked and went along
With this game on numbers.

It all setteled where they said it would.
As a direct consequence
Arose the infernal question
but why
I've never been great at math.

But I put my mind in to it
I can figure this out
What is the value
Of the constants?
If they aren't talking
Then what are they saying to me?

I broke my head over it
It all made sense
In any way I put them.
Something just wasn't adding up.
I'm putting the measure
Of comparaison in the wrong place
Said a whisper within me.

At peace I sat waiting for the bus
A whisper closes in
If the constants don't serve you, then why are you fixating on them?
Of course, that is it!
It's not the constants
It's not the known facts

It is the variables
The unknown facts!
And sure as hell
If you add 66 to 50,
You'll get 116...
and if I add 89 to 27,
I'll get the equal of the comparaison: 116.

So relax, acceptance will come
When we learn what the variables are.
And even if you don't understand it,
You can still love it
And it will eventually love you back.

If it handn't been for you
I would've never stood here
With all these women
Competing to find
The strongest Highlander
I doubt anyone here
Is an actual Highlander

The one with the temper
She's from Spain
The ultimate butch
Is an Algarian *******
Finland and Poland
Are represented
And you, we may never find out
Who gave life
To your exquisite existance

But as I sat down under the pear tree
With you "dominant girls"
I hear a soft whisper
I wish I could reach up and give you one
I smiled and whipered back
so do it

And sure enough
As we spoke beneath
The tallest pear tree
One fell down
And hit you on the sholder
We roared from laughter

I said grace
To the voices
For restoring my faith
In that one voice
Who always echoes
In the depths of my heart
The one who has always been
Out of reach and out of touch
And it's fine
Because he's here anyway.

How rude of you
To invade my still mind
Like a blast
Of all colors
Heating up... Well everything.
Was that crude?
My bad.
I can only express it
The way it comes out
Keeping me from sleep

How rude of you
To be so unavailable
So untangable
How rude indeed
Of you to come in to my mind
Like it's yours to keep
I have not pledged
Loyalty to you
To my great dismay.
Might you be indeed
As gentle as I imagine you to be

How unfair of you
To be all that you are
Continuesly out of reach
Your mind might be genious
But I'll never know
Such is life
Can't always have what I want
When I want it
Wish I could wait
But I can't
Too cute

I've come to resent
The scent of unbleached cotton
On acrylic adhesive.

"My name is Paul and I lie alot"
Well Pauly, I gotta hand it to you
Even though after all this time
I still don't know
When you're telling the truth,
Still love your poems
Even the ugly ones
Still enjoy your sense of humor
And still wonder how you are
More often than I thought I would.

You always say the right things
Always seem to calm me down
Always consider you a friend
Even when you nag me.
Always smile at the thought of you
Even though you're a **** sometimes.
Not to me though...
To the characters in your poems.
Always hope you're doing well

*and that you're happy

The tie is in
There are several ferries
Standing still here
I think of grandpa
And how much
He would've loved this

I think of all
The sunny after noons
I sat here with Esther
Before she got cancer
At the age of 17
Survived it, she did
But she never laughed
Like she used to

The platform is up
As tie comes in
The water covers
The words spelled out
Across the stream
At low tie, it would say
"Love"

Here we sat
And cried our
Youthfull tears away
Boys are still mean
But we're better equipped
And they're smarter too
Somewhat kinder
And we're milder

A smile of understanding
Appears as I watch
Flandria1 struggling
As the boy tries
to dock it here
It's not that easy
To move a vessel

A black bag floats by
And I wonder
What will it learn
Where is it's destination
And silently hope
That the city will scoop
It all out...

Take the people you love the most
Those rare and special ones
Who you never thought you'd meet
The ones who make you feel safe
Like nothing can touch you
Open your heart to them
Allow to fill up on Love
Feel your heart
Just about to burst
Radiate the happiness
Let them love you back
Then look in to the mirror
And love yourself
As much as you love them

It was Belgium versus Poland.
The teams were exquisite
Both ferocious and skilled
Nothing if not the sweetest exhibits of creation
Each in their own way.

If only I had been equipped
For what was coming my way.
The flesh is weak and I'm nothing if not human.
Yet your Slavic features quickly made way
For whatever it is, that Belgium is made of.

I lost myself that day...
Not to either of you but to myself.
To whatever it is
That my mournful past is made of.
I suffered my pain for months on end
To one day find the pain missing.

I was no longer a victim of anyone.
Not myself nor was I any longer
A pawn in a game
That had been played in various minds for years.
Most of all in my own.

All is fair in love and war...
But why does there have to a war
To make something so right happen?
Who's Yin and who's Yang?
Or are we all just storms
Colliding in to each other
Time after time
Until justice has been served?

And why would there have to be a war in order to establish justice in the first place?
I've been in over my head for years.
However I'm in deep gratitude
That my lunacy has been made to look so peaceful.
Suffered in silence like I said I would
But there's a paradise in my head, in my heart,
The kind I've touched before...

He was soft and warm
Everything I ever wanted but was never blessed to have or to hold.