My phone rings
I know it's you
27 missed calls
I look out
Are you there
Watching me
A woman orders a wine
I serve her and take her money
Shivers run down my back
Are your eyes
Following each step
Are you angry
That I'm dating again
Will you show up uninvited
I know you'll call
Another 20 times tomorrow
10 on the good days
Will you ever stop
Do you know
That the rebound
Isn't around 5/7
Will this ever end

She stood by the window
Watching the rain pour down
It was as though each drop
That hit the glass and rolled down
Was a short lie
A number of those hitting the window
Before her eyes
Yet in felt as though it was raining inside
The drops left their physical bodies on the glass
And their souls proceeded to become one with her
The cold of the floor going through her feet in to her legs
The teacup in her hand is empty
She analyzes the beautiful blue pattern
Looks like something a sweet elderly lady would have in her cuboard
On the bottom it says "made in England"
A snort of derision and dry smile
As she turns away from the rain
She catches a glimpse of her own reflection in the mirror
She shortly runs her finger by the deep wrinkles mocking her on her face
Age meant nothing to her, they were not enemies
She smiled at her age
It had no power here

The poor children
That's what we were called
Surrounded by drunks and drug addicts
Single mothers and their hordes of children
The future cleaning ladies and harbour workers
We sometimes watched the orphans
Wondering what would become of them

In our own world
We were richest of them all
While the mothers worked
Through sweat, tears and stress
There was always someone
To show a little kindness
"Those kids can come with us, we're neighbours"
This meant pizza for dinner

The summers were for exploring
Golden fields hiding rabbits and phaesants
Truthfully covering a dump yard of course
Trees were naturally for climbing
Move through the forest without touching the ground
A tailbone got injured here and there
No time to see a doctor, it will heal on it's own!
Play hide and seek
Race each other on bikes
I always cheated
Where that stream really lead to, we never found out

But by that very stream we built
From planks and nails
Isolated with candlewax
A little cottage
Every day after school
No one knew where all the nails and candles had gone to
And how the community wood supply seemed to vanish
"Only the good planks" because we had standarts
Who would've noticed the little ones when the grass grew so high
It was our little secret

Naturally the road workers took it down
"Unsafe structure" someone said
A whole summer lay in ruins before us
The toolboxes were quietly returned to their rightful owners
Bored as we were, we gave it another shot
This time supported by a tree
We'd hoist ourselves up with a robe

That was taken down too
We felt sorry for the tree!
But winter's close
That meant snow castles
Never wondering what might happen
If the structure collapsed on us
The tunnels lead to nowhere and everywhere

The mothers were working
Who would stop us
But when our mum was home
All kids were invited for dinner
Us and 12 others
Future cleaning ladies and harbour workers
Blissfully unaware
What lengths the mothers went to, to feed us
I've never been poor in my life.

Confessions of a maid #1

You're room's a ******* pigstal
And I'm getting real sick
Of your ****
Enter bathroom and grab a used towel
You know the one you used
To clean up your *****
After your morning *******
Should've anticipated that

Now that **** is already on my hand
And I'm really losing it
Then I calm down
I smile
And with a smile
I use that very same towel
To clean your entire bathroom

What is it like
For you to comnect
To another person?

Your hands do all the right things
Your body responds in the right way

I can feel your caress
It means nothing to me

Two empty shells
Protecting an empty home

You're so full of life
I'm so inspired

Yet nothing to prove your content
Ever escapes your lips

Or maybe I just stopped listening
Maybe you just stopped talking

Maybe it's nobody's fault
Maybe...

It's time to let it go.

When I was a little girl
There were flowers in the sky
And stars in the grass
Everything was different
Life has become clearer
Everything has it's rightfull place
Yet somehow I tend to think
That the stars are meant to
Grow on green soft fields
And somehow flowers
Actually belong to heaven
Somehow the thought of you
Makes me believe again
That I will wake up one day
And find everything as it's intended
The flowers in the sky
And the stars in the grass

You called me out
On never getting in touch
I'm sorry, I'm just busy.
But I came to see you anyway
It all started at a park
Surrounded by like-minded people
A metal fest

You sat with me on a bench
For hours just speaking
A headache from laughing too much.
You've always been funny.
You took me along
To meet "the band"
The boys who's business you manage.

I followed you the their place
An apartment of young artists
There were paintings on the wall
Products of the most exquisite
Young minds and skilled hands.
They speak of it
Like it's nothing...

There are guitar solos
Of the most wonderous talent
Playing in the distance
As I scratch your back gently
And feel you caressing my body.
I know you felt
My ultimate satisfaction.

But it's never been
Just physical between us.
It's always been about
The connection of our minds.
Thank you for the bresh breeze
You always blow in to my life.
Rock'n'Roll lives within you
In abundance.

"Mommy I want to be just like you"
You snorted and looked up from the sewing machine:
Do you want to be poor?
But Mummy I never knew poverty
I never compared my clothes to other kids' clothes
Because you had perfected
The art of making them yourself
And perhaps you could not afford a babysitter
So we went bellydancing together
I remember I was 7
We got to play basketball and football
Practice swimming and Taekwondo
And maybe there were times when things weren't so easy
But you always gave all you had
Carried the world on your sholders
With your head held high
You let me walk freely against all your instincts
Because it was the right thing to do
Pulled me back right on time
And trusted again, like nothing had gone wrong
Fought for my honor like a fierce lioness
Forgave me my mistakes
And shielded me from the worst
Never gave up on our broken relationship
So when I say:
"Mommy I want to be just like you"
I mean I want to Love Unconditionally just like you
And maybe all parents do blame themselves
For everything possible and indeed, impossible
But I don't blame you and I cannot thank you enough

It's calm here
A city with the attitude of a town
"Save the poor"
The words are spelled out
On a building behind the church
There are a few here
Churches that is
In close proximity of each other

I sat at the bus stop
After work
Quietly de-working
De-toxing from your temper
And the threat you oppose
To our professional integrety
Every day you are here.
I snort at the though of you
You're just like my dad.

A man sat by my side
Carefully placed
His beer can on the ground
"Can you read this to me?"
He said as he handed me a letter
I opened it and scanned it briefly
"They're giving you money sir"
"Why?"
"You applied for it and they approved"

You smell just like my dad
Speaking of how my boss reminds me
Alcohol and cigarettes
A boy stares at me in the distance
too young
"Why would they give me money"
"It seems Sir, that you applied for it"

He shruds his shoulders
I get that your memory fails you
With all the *****
That circles in your system.
I don't judge you old man.
You're just a version of my old man.
I get it, life's hard
Wonder what it threw at you
Before you got this way.

Once upon a time
You were just like that boy
Who curiously glues his eyes on me
Just a normal boy.
Just like my dad.
Wonder what will become
Of this young kid
Fingers crossed he'll turn out good
Fingers crossed
*fingers crossed

On the streets of Antwerp
There are visible areas
There are borders dividing
Different ethnicities,
Cultures and languages
There are areas
By income and colleges

There are also invisible areas
Corners taken in by the homeless
There's Antwerp's most famous
Louis, alcoholic and ex-military
Best known for saving two children
And writing a book
He said he never liked to live within 4 walls
Making about €150 a day
Sitting on Astrid Square
Going on 30 years now

There's the Scottish poet
Who spits rhymes
Like they came off a conveyor
He cited one for me once
I regretted it instantly
But at least I know now
What rhymes with *****
He hangs around the Central Station
And enjoys summer nights

There's Chippy the one with the dreads
Hangs around the Cathedral
And keeps an eye on the youth
In good terms with the police he is
No fights or broken bottles
Where he roams
Surrounded by the usual Gang
Of surprisingly well kept
Ladies and Gents
With their trolleys and carts

There's the very skinny one
Who once kept company
To a friend of mine
And exchaned his bike
For a loaf of bread
She smiled and told him
To keep the bike and the bread
He felt it was his job
To protect her
And guide her back home

Then there's "Santa"
Not much known about him
His spot is by Frituur N* 1
Best fries in the city
He wears a kilt and a red jacket
White beard and hair
A shiny bald spot in the center of his head
He speaks German loudly
To everyone and anyone
Bright red nose and square glasses

Now as I stroll about the streets
I know where to expect to see them
But to my surprise one day
Santa was gone
Had they taken him away?
Did the City of Antwerp
Reclaim their streets?
Did he die in the winter cold?
I put my pink glasses on and figured
Maybe he went to get beer.

And then one day years later
I spotted him... Yes it was him!
He wore neat blue jeans
And a purple well kept sweater
Glasses with a modern green frame
Hair and beard cut and brushed
He walked with a quick pase
Seemingly on his way back
To Frituur N* 1
Roaring in German louder than ever!
With a sting in my heart I watched him go back to his corner.

It was always there
The conflict
If it wasn't at the Kurdish border
It was within the heart of Ankara
Spreading rapidly through the country.
They named the airport
After Atatürk, First Turk.

Bet you would turn in your grave
I still remember your portrait vividly
There was reason and natural authoroty
In the depths of your brown eyes.
We fell asleep under your watchfull gaze
now that's a handsome man

She marked herself as
"safe in Istanbul"
The tension rose within me
And I knew that if anything
Ever happened to you
I'd never get over it
I gritted my teeth and typed
"Why don't you just come home now"

On paper, you are home
But in our hearts
Your home is here

Come home
come home
*come back

I stood in the bookstore
Thinking about how
He touched my soul
I look over and see
Someone else

I stared for a while
And left the choice to you
My highschool friend
Former best friend
The boy who got so lost

You walked over to me
And you weren't upset
With how we parted
Instant connection
As it has always been

Life is meant
For rambling conversations
We talked about everything
And how you still
Have my contact information
Is beyond me

Nothing's changed
I told you to play your guitar
From the depths of your soul
I saw your eyebrows
Return to their youthfull constant

"Do you think I'm going to say no to what you ask of me?"

"Is that a serious question"

You've never said no to me
And how you manage
To always agree
Surprises me each time

I smiled at you
Nothing's changed
Except that we understand
Each other better
Than ever before
Not because you do
What I ask of you
But I guess
something else just clicked.

I reached out to you
And you smiled
You offered your support
I just needed a boost
Dad, don't help me stand
"You can't stand on your own"
I turned around
And there!
I was standing
All by myself!
A soft pull on the back on my overall
A feeling of betrayal
Dad, I said don't help me stand
As though he heard me
He let go
And I fell.

Exceptional memory

I lay in the deepest meditation
Conversing calmly
With the sweetest fraction of creation
The product of my imagination
Your scent lingers here
I have no attachment
To your physcal state

"Will it hurt"

"At first but you'll get used to it fast"

"How do you know"

"Because I know you"

Electricity ignited within my gut
And travelled to my heart
In all colors of the rainbow
I knew it must've been true
On some level.

It was kind of like
Walking in to a movie
Three generations were present
The father of the family
Age 78 or so sat by the table
He spoke his truth
To the pagan witch
And us, we just listened.

Your house spoke of love
It spoke of a tribe and a home
It said "ownership
Is for those who claim it"
For better or for worse
In awe I watched the result
Of your undying love
To your laid wife.

With all my power I drew
Calligraphies of your walls
Set a field of whatever it is
That souls set fields of.
I whispered words of comfort
In to it's foundation
And secrets of love and hope
In to this air.

I learned deeper compassion
And Tao Mastership
But you, you may have taught me
Something money can't buy:
Your unyielding devotion.
By your window sat two girls
Marveling at what has come to pass
In your lineage and how peaceful you made it.

We never knew it really existed.
But then I suppose that
That which we believe to be true
Will come to manifest in it's own time.
Your unyielding faith has come to prevail.
There's a smile and a warmth
As I hold this esoteric present in my palms.

All you need to do, is believe it.

It was cold and the sun was out
Upbeat but unable to convince my body
I dragged on
Down the street, passed the Central Station
I stood at the cross way
A black Range Rover stopped to let me pass.
The window opened, he yelled my name.

The past came flooding in
That black boy brought it all back.
I stood in the warehouse
Yelling out orders
Three 40ft containers
And it's only 8 in the morning.
Barely short from a military regime
He just smiled, the black boy.
"Ok boss, I'll get it done"
He turned away and I smiled back

Illegal immigrant
The kindest boy I knew
The hardest worker
Defended me when you needn't.
Lost it all, job and everything
"Put him back on the planning"
Alas, no papers means no work.

It's good to see you
The boy who made it
...In to a Range Rover of all places
Just barely on my feet
Miss Independed through it all...
But you made my day
Gave me hope and a sign.
We all get back on our feet eventually.

Your soft lips on mine
It's warm here
In your gentle embrace
Your sweet scent
Intoxicating to me
Your fast heartbeat
So close I can feel it
My fast heartbeat
So strong you can tell
By looking down my blouse
Earthquakes have epicenters too
A smile spreads on my lips
As your warm hands
Get to know me better
Leave your fingerprints on me
And I'll leave mine on you
And I'll be sure
To get to know your body
To touch each sensitive spot
Just long enough
To drive you completely insain
But honey you be sure
To go all the way
Or I might get pouty
And find someone else
To stay and keep me warm

She had that "impress me" vibe over her.
If only she could be impressed by anything I knew about.
If only she cared of my dazzeling good looks.
And my smooth lines.

If only I could make her head turn.
But she never looked.
I could never say anything
That stirred her heart.
She was that conquest we all wanted
But could never have
So we never admitted to really wanting her.

she's not that easy, she's too smart

And boy was she ever smart.
Nothing I could do, surprised her.
She was one step ahead.
So I took her down, like a good sportsman
Or hunter who takes down a gazelle.
But she never quivered.
She never admitted that anything I had done
Really impacted her.

She smiled like statues smile
She looked right through us
Like an x-ray scanner
And we felt small
Insignificant.
And we took distance
She was the only thing
I could never figure out completely.
She was the hero
Who never showed her face
And Villain who never told anyone
She had a beautiful heart aside a beautiful face.

The illusion of a woman was embodied within her.

There's a word in Finnish
To describe an intetion
That could be translated
Only by using a combination
Of several English words.
"Sisu" means to endure,
To presevere, to be dauntless
And infernally stubborn.

As I sit in this modern train
Feeling the rails below me,
I watch the snow
That gives everything around me
A softly curving silhouette.
The cold bites in to my lips
Yet it is compassionate
In its dryness
And never cuts me to the bone.

I listen to the language
That gave my mouth
It's sharp edges
And it's gentle caress.
As I stroll around
These streets that were build
By the bare broken hands
Of our suppressed forefathers,
I come to sense
It's deepest truth of who they were.

Our fathers build houses of wood
And cut railways in to solid granite.
These men and women
Build homes that could go up in flames
And infrastructures that could last generations.
We have always worked for the future.

I think of my brother's words...
didn't you memorize the land marks?
I did... and I realise
That in this country we survive
On our memory of how to get back home.
If you lose your way, you die.
If you get cold, you die.

But maybe what these
Children that were born and raised
Under the watchful eye of Sisu
Need to come to understand
That we are no longer
Fighting to survive...

We are fighting to allow
The warmth of our hearts
Come out through our lips
And become visible
Even to those who no longer believe
That we posess such heat.

I felt it to the depths of my heart
The riots in Istanbul
To the point that on a whim
I packed up and left
To join them.
I know how many died
And got life long injuries
And I don't know why
But it feels like a personal insult
That these people are being
Stripped off their basic rights
At the hands of a religious leader

I heard the worry years ago
As I sat at the table with you
In a mansion ajoining the consulat.
How I wondered in here
I beyond me, but here I am.
Watching the wrinkle
Appear on you doll-like features.
I roared with rage as I watched
The footage of the taking of Taksim.
My heart broke with the lightbulbs
I threw at the riot cops
Off the safety of your balcony.

they're just doing their jobs

they attained 50 people tonight

Right before my eyes

I could only watch them
Jump out of their windows

Now I hear that they blew up
The apartment right across
From yours last night.
And the guy who sold bread
On the side of the street died.
I watched the footage
Of Radiohead fans
Being beaten up
For enjoying themselves
During your religious vast.

*Why doesn't anyone help them?

"I'm a ******* Starboy"

The words are spelled
On your forehead
I smile at you
The real smile
That you always see
Playing on my features.

"I love you unconditionally and always"*
You think I don't know that?
You look away each time
You see my adoration
And know deeply and truly
That I will never act on it.

I'm done waiting around,
If you can't see that
I deserve better than anything
You are willing to offer.
Of all the beauty you hold
None of it will belong
In my life again.

And as you leave
4 minutes to catch your train...
"It's fine I'll pay"
I say once again.
And I think maybe today
You may have understood
Why I won't give in to you.

It's always the same with you.
But there's a warm place
In my heart as I think of you.
There's a virtual kiss
Landing on your forehead.

To you it means
The kiss of death.
To me it always meant
The kiss of loyalty.
You may never agree on everything
But maybe today
You understood
That I'm nobody's side *****.

You sat here hours ago
I watched him kiss you
With love and affection
True passion
Like a boy who
Is really trying to impress you.
You giggeled and twitched
I smoked my cigarette
He held you in his arms
You screamed as he spun you around
Showing off his strength.
Cuz he's the man!
You swore in between the giggles
kurwa
I'm just standing here
smoking away
Watching you play
Like young couples play
ugh you kids are disgusting
I muttered with a smile on my face
you made my day
Still here *** you can't go home
And too in love to part already.

I don't know for sure
What it all means
But there's something
About your gaze
The emotions on your face
There's a softness
Within you
That sends shivers
Down my spine.

Maybe it's in your eyes
I just can't figure out
What color they are
Blue maybe green...
Can't hold your gaze
Even for a second.
Watching you opens my heart...
So what now?
Can't be angry or sad
Just like to linger in your scent...

But something is different
Because I hear music
For the first time in years
I mean to really hear
I felt this strange sensation
In my heart, I just couldn't
Put my finger on it
I guess I called it hope...
yeah, it must've been hope.

There's peace too...
When I think of you.
Just can't say a word
Nothing will come out.
I shrug my sholders,
I guess I'm doomed.
What is there to be done?
I'm *******.

No I am not upset
That you went behind my back
It makes sense to be scared now
I'm not upset
And I do not have all the answers
I do not have all the knowledge
So then how could I be angry
That you look for answers for yourself
I understand whole heartedly
And I agree.
Don't change your approach
It's taking you to the right place
To my heart.

"Spiritual testing is the means to the teach lessons and release the things that no longer serve us"

Time to arrange the jewelry box
I do this as a from of meditation
My body responds heavily
Perhpas somewhere in the middle
Of all these pieces I will find
My suppressed femininity

I look through everything
Silvers together
Each in their own box
Only own a few gold pieces
Be sure to find them all
The memory of the lost necklaces
Flashed by many times

The family heirlooms are still here
Old German silver, the stamp ring
The Hawaian corals
And the handcrafted tree
That holds precious stones
But where are the diamond earrings

They aren't really mine
Never considered them to be mine
Just like the necklaces
That were given
From Godmother to Godchild
As a way to express love
In this way, they were priceless
My stress levels rise up
This is exactly why I don't wear jewelry

help me* I whisper to the sky
An image appears before my eyes:
I'm putting them in a small plastic  bag
To make sure I don't lose them
****, what did I do
go about your day, they will turn up
Says a soft whisper
And I feel a smile upon me
you will learn something

I go about my day
And as I clear out the mess I made
Making sense of things
I find a small plastic bag
That holds a pair of diamond earrings and a ring
I'm not that irresponsible to lose them

The smile is upon me again...
*you have learned your lesson

You need a little diplomacy:

You're Tammy's daughter, right?
Yeah.
Hi my name is Eric, I'm 28. May I ask your mother for your hand.
Dude it's 2006 and I'm 17, I can't get married
but go ahead and ask, she'll roundhouse kick you out of the building
It's ok we'll wait a year.
Can I come and watch you ask?

You need patience

Because the guys from F&B;
Are picking up the trays
And they've pressed
On every single button
And need at least 30 seconds
In each floor
That's 5 minutes before the elevator comes.

And everyone knows you:

"You know you're just like your mother"
is he picking a fight
"Hi Mona Lisa"
***
"What time do you finish"
stop asking and tuck in your shirt

And you always smile:

Wiping fingerprints off a glass door
"Excuse me, pay I pass?"
"You know what, I dare you"
One look that says
"Feet up"
And the sporters are easy going
And when their garbage bags weigh
About 20 kgs
They'll take down their own thrash
Because they're "tall and strong"
And you're not.

And the strangest things happen:

"Can you two stop having *** on the piano?"

And you learn to connect the dots

"Andy's going to **** you"
"Yeah"
"What are we going to do"
"I have leftover doughnuts. Andy likes doughnuts"
"Oh you're fine."

And at the end of the day
When you go down to the foyer
And find a taxi parked in the middle
You don't ask how did it get in here
Because you turn the hell around
"I can't even process that"

It's like a dream
That one re-occurring dream.
You know, the kind
You don't want to
Wake up from.
Just turn around
Pull the covers up
And hope it comes back.

Somehow it takes my breath away
Leaves me speechless
My face is an open book
And you never launch
To attack it's contents.
You just allow it to be
Anything and everything it is.
It's takes grace, fearlessness.

I know, to many people
I come off as Thunderstorm
Yet somehow I feel like
You're trained eyes
See through all of that.
Like there's a kinship with the likes of you.
And can't deny any of that...

So to be safe and fair...
I'll sit here quietly
I swear I won't talk...
As long as you promise
To continue to never attack
My contents
Even if you can see them
Where no one else can.

Don't talk of that
Which is so obvious to you.
And I won't talk of that
Which is so obvious to me.
Never touch my skin,
And I'll never touch yours.
Keep it on the down low
No one gets hurt.

The frequency here is calm
It almost seems like
Nothing is happening
Each room is the same
There are rules and procedures
Each time I think of it
I get exhaused
From the mere idea
Of putting 19 rooms
To their original state
The girls each have
A remarkable condition
Yet they make it
Look so easy
It's all about timing
And flawless efficiancy
This is where I earned
My first paycheque
Shed frustrated tears
Of a 17 year old
Learned to work
It only seems fitting
That I'd come here again
The girls smile and say:
Welcome back, you're fat.

Towards the end of the internship
I was nervous and under pressure
I didn't get the job in the end
I wondered if all the good things
The things you said about me
The 85% on my final evalutation
The two 90's and an 80%
Were all a lie
Was I untalented?
Did I do or say something?

You are serious as I greet you
With an open heart
And watched yours close before me
The smiles, hugs and handshakes
From others
"Those were good times,
Call me sometime" she said

Your wife turned her back to me...

Exited and with feeling
I assisted the technichian
Just for a few minutes, happy
I still got it, all of it

"There's only one reason you weren't hired; his wife is afraid of you"

At loss for words I listen to you
Give me a peptalk
So you do believe in me
Enough to give me tools
To become your worst enemy
And you know I'm ruthless in business
Surely otherwise you would not
Tell me to apply with a competing firm

The smell of guilt in the afternoon.

We talked
For the first time ever
We actually talked

We agreed
That mistakes were made
But we're still friends

There's nothing else I can say
I lost an obstacle
And I gained my best friend

Because above anything else
That's what we have always been
Best friends.

We are going our own ways
You go yours and I go mine
But I still got your back

And I know you've got mine.

I'm so proud of you, she whispered and hugged me
It was like graduation day, the kind I never had

The first time I was so caught up with getting away
And the second time was filled with tears of injustice

Miraculously you graduated after all
And today I may have graduated too

We're all here to learn yet it feels more like
A huge family gathering of unrelated people

None of you is related to me or each other
Yet we are all family, if not in blood then in bond

Two great women stand before us
"Hi mum" my soul whispered

And it doesn't matter which of you hears it
Both are equally true

My feet are wide because I like to walk bare foot :)
My calfs are wide and round because they are strong :)
My thighs are touching because they're in love. They are thick because they can carry me and nearly anything I want them to, including other people :).
My **** is big because I like it soft :)
My hips aren't wide because they carry me well the way they are :)
My stomach isn't flat because it's perfect the way it is and needs alot of love :)
My ***** are everywhere because they take up alot of space :)
My arms aren't trained because they can perform very detailed tasks :)
My back needs alot of energy because it's service is to carry me :)
My hands are scarred because they have enabled me to work hard :)
My nose is wide because it's devoted to it's job. It can pick out, register and remember anyone I know. :)
My hair seems thin because it grows very long, so long in fact that other people sit on it :) :)

It was day time in a seedy little bar...

"You go talk to him!"

"No you go..."

"She should go" she said
With a firm voice
Like her mind was made up.
So I went

He sat at the bar
Dark hair in a pony tail
He was the coolest guy
There was a man by his side
Who spoke to him
With admiration in his voice.

He pretended he didn't notice me
I went closer, my knees weak
And my hands sweating
He saw me, snorted
Like I wasn't good enough.
With my voice trembling
I said to him...

"Daddy when are you coming home?"

"Dude you have to go home!" Said the man beside him.

Daddy did come home eventually
With a black eye
From the guy at the bar;
Convinced mum
She was the crazy one.

But I liked that other guy better...
Because when a child tells you to go home...
You go home.

The boy who took
Nothing from no one
That was you
It's good seeing you again
You have not changed
I can still read you like
An open book
And you still know
Everything about me

I never regretted breaking up
And by the looks of it
Neither did you
It's good to sit beside you
It's like we never lost touch
But it's been 6 years
Since word reached you
That I was dating someone else
Gently I correct your
Negative mindset

"I want you to meet this band"
Silently I wonder why
But maybe you just need a boost
Just like back in the day
When you did the impossible
Everyone loved you
For the risk you took
And still made profit.
It was a ******* miracle

Perhaps you search
That same engine
I provided then
The boost I threw at you
To get you going
And I'd willingly
Engine anything you got
Never trusted anyone's
Gut feeling like I trust yours

I still got the party flag somewhere
And the Enzo booster flag
And I'm still your friend
And wing woman
I think it's time we get you
A new girlfriend
But don't try to fix me up
With one of your friends.
They're all idiots.

Why did I do this to myself?
Not like I didn't know better.
Didn't have to add you
To be reminded that
You are in fact
The prettiest man I've ever seen.
You're so far out of my league
I can't even see you.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

The leaves were turning brown
The sunlight turned organe in her mind
The depression was deep
A whisper said
"Tell him you love him"
A knot in her gut got tighter
"No" pure and simple

For three days she heard the whispering
Her answer didn't change
She argued, reasoned and pleaded
Even if she wanted to, she couldn't
Cried her tears in the night
The pressure was on
But she didn't give in

5.30 am, strange darkness
A Light darkness
Next to her bed stood a woman
A huge presece
Bigger than any woman she'd known
She spoke softly, like a spring, a harp
Warm, mother-like love
"Haniel?"

"Hello my dearest
I came to see you,
May we speak?
Come to the living room"
She smiled and the girl followed
Sat on the sofa
Felt a gentle caress on her head

"Do you remember your promise?"
"Which one"
"I saw you before you left"
"You did?"
"Yes. You said you'd do anything"
"I did?"

A light tunnel opened up
On to her crown
A light stream descended in her mind
And she remembered
She did make that promise
Once upon a time
As she was leaving the Angelic Realm

"Tell him you love him"
She smiled
She put her back to bed
Tested her briefly
And left her with a strange child-like feeling

It's nice here after all
This bumfuck town
Think I'll miss it
When I finally move
Back to the city
This summer
There's space here
Like there used to be
In my home town
Up north
Summers are pure and green
I think I'll miss it
Maybe I was never a city girl after all.

Unfortunately I'm coming to understand
How much we suffocated each other
Don't worry, I'm not resentful.
But you know me,
I pay my part
And leave things to that
And when the pain is durable
I put the past to bed very fast

But now I see my hands
Tied as they have been
Paint pictures,
Like they're coming off a conveyor.
I know you never understood
Why I stopped drawing
The thing is that
I didn't love myself enough
To think my art was good enough
And you might like to know
I can almost feel the camera
In my hands

And now I feel my voice chords
As I hear my voice echo
Harmoniously through this space
I took what is mine
And let it out again
Do you remember how you said
"I'm just waiting for you to sing"
Well I'm singing now
With joy in my heart

And you...
Well I know this was not what you wanted
But look at you
You've made this home
In to a new version of you
You've started taking care
Of yourself again
This is what loving yourself
Does to you.

I know deep down
You're staring to feel
Life flowing through
Your vains again.
Go live.
I'm not resentful. :)

You walk around like the room belongs to you
And I think you're being a prat

You have a well build body
And sweet eyes
A calm manner of speaking

You tend to hear me out
And compose yourself
But not today

I liked that better.

Should your current behaviour
Suggest that you're and idiot?

But then I realised...
You're showing alfa male behaviour.

You like me.

What if what is being asked of you
Is too much for you to handle?
Should I just sit here and watch you
Break down that girl
Who contains all
The love and the blessings
That were bestowed upon her
As her rightfull heritage?

Is it love to sustain
Bad behavior simply because
It reliefs us in short term?
Or is it love to teach you
That abuse is only there
As long as you allow it?

It does not mean
That I will ask her to get even.
It means that I will empower her
To stop taking in
That which no longer grows her.
Look for better solutions.
For if it works for you
Then it is true to some extend.

Karma can never manifest
Untill you speak up
And say that it was never meant
To go that way.
The pain will not stop
As long as you
Make excuses for bad behavior.

The connection lies
Within the fact that
If she excuses a mistake
That has not been rectified
By the universal laws at play,
Then she is not speaking up
Against it and agrees to some extend.
For if it works for you,
It is true to some extend.

Stop allowing it to work.

Count down time
For the house warming at my sister's...
My brother flew over to surprise her
And then flew over our cousin
To surprise all of us

We inhaled the helium from
The decorative balloons
I did mine and got stuck
In what my family calls
"Lily's giggling-loop"

I tried my first cigar with ***
Then told my relatives
They were lame.
I challenged my brother
To **** as loud as I burp
He surrendered on the spot

We heard the testimonial
From an old school friend:
You girls always look angry...
Unless you're with family...
Then you're all ***** and giggles

I held my brother close
And told him
He was full of ****
Then hugged our cousin
And gave him an eskimo kiss

I drank two glasses of water
Like they told me to
And I swear to God
If I have a hang over tomorrow
So do they...

Alice come here*
I called my sister's cat
She did not look at me.
She sniffed the air
She took her time
And eventually proceeded
To sniff my shoes.

I ran my fingers through her furr.
Such a strange sensation
Almost like the first time
I ever pet a feline.
I appreciated her soft furr
And smiled at the memory
Oh how wonderous
It feels to a child

This cat, an animal
Came to me, not because I called her
Not because I commanded her
As though she was mine
To order around.
She has no master
She chooses her way.

May that be the way I live my life.
Not because I want to
But because I have to.
For who chooses my path
If not me?
Who is left to pick up
The broken pieces
Of the choices I made
If not me?

If I am responsible and on my own in it
When I make a mistake,
Then may I be alone in all my decisions
That I make
As I proceed in this world.

We all know those songs
That we really hate
And yet it's those songs
That play over and over again
In our heads, we have no say in it

Now Lisa in particular
Has a problem with this
Some days it drives her up the wall
Especially those repeterive songs
... Like the 7 Nation Army

Quietly I sing it all morning
Should suffice by 12 o'clock
Lunchbreak.
I let it go and stop singing
Shouldn't be long now

"Tummm tum tum tum tumm tumm"
Lisa starts slowly
I let her go on untill she loses her patience
She just can't get it out of her head
I laugh and she knows why

"I hate you"

some people don't know that they are controlling

Would I? Myself
Want to controll another?
Only if I needed to controll myself.
Only if I didn't trust
That my life was safe and secure.
Only if I had something
Left to lose.
What's the harm right?

Right!
The harm is
That you become responsible
For another's happiness
Do not change others
Let them be who they are
Let them be what they are
If it doesn't serve you
Keep them at bay
For you are the only one
Responsible for your own happiness.

Accept others in to your life
And only ever ask them
To make themselves happy.
And never forget
To make yourself happy too.
Because that's where
Consistent joy lies
You have the power
To choose your own path
To some extend
And then comes the soul.
the soul is the boss*

Do not stop
To ask others to suit your needs
You have to suit your needs
What others do for you
Is their own choice
And when it's good
It's the deepest expression
Of how much they love you.
That is true love
And it is as vast as time.
Allow it in to your life
And you will see
Miracles manifest.

Am I overthinking this?
You took me to a game center
And we played a board game
You bought all the drinks
And didn't want to split the cheque
You said it several times
"Nothing, you're just cute"
We've been friends for years
And my alarm system goes off
You've done this before
With another girl
I remember you telling me about it
You wanted to know
If she was compatible with you
Are you trying to lure me in to a date
Without asking me out?

It's been 7 years
Since you called me
After a year of silence.
You cried your tears on the phone
Drunk and hurt
I still don't know why I listened
Made peace out of my anger
But such is love between friends.

You arose from the flames
Like a raging phoenix
The woman I always knew
You'd one day end up being.
Now the mother of a 3-year-old
The girl who learned
To love herself unconditionally.
You have become the Dragon, the Lion
My personal hero.

The woman I never fully understood
You could become.
But there was a fierce strength in you
As you handed me a small box
Containing two necklaces, two halfs of a heart
And instructed me to give one to my best friend.

I guess my anger must have
Fully healed and made place
For reverance and respect.
I found the box and the necklaces
And as I sat there wondering
Why I never gave you the other half
I receive my answer in the form of humility
I should have believed in you
It's been 7 years...

You see I was not punishing you
I was punishing myself.
I take a deep breath that unburdens me
Tell you the things I never spoke out
To anyone else before
Let your gentle heart heal me
I let you make me better again
Like only you could.

So we start over
At the end of a bad year
I hold the box before you
"Do you remember this?"
Your eyes were blank
So I opened it
And handed you the other half
"It always belonged to you anyway;
You are the Raging Phoenix
Unhindered by the tallest flames
And I see you now"

Be more Yin*
I heard a whisper in my heart
In my head, in my gut.
Suppose when you hit rock bottom
Any suggestion can help.

I loved myself for what seemed
Like the first time
Sure I had thought I loved myself
But this was different.
There was acceptance
For my mistakes and flaws.
There were soft words in my mouth.

There came to pass
A deep lack of fear.
And a question as to why.
I wondered where it all came from.
What if I lost everything?
Would it **** me?
No.
What I need is a matter
Of an individual perspective.
Do I need what I think I need?

And what if it did **** me?
Would I notice?
No.
Would others notice?
Sure, but they will one day
Die too.
Would they miss me?
Yes but will it **** them?
No.

Come to think of it...
The worst thing that could happen to me
Has already come to pass
More times than I care to remember.
But did I die?
No.
So in conclution...
The worst thing that could happen to me
Doesn't really exist.

It's a figment of my imagination.

A young man
Impatient and ruthless
A real to the point kind of guy
Just like his father.
As he was building a house
On the edge of the forrest
He did as father taught him
The wood was soft and flexible
So rather than taking his time
Hammer each nail in to the wood
He beat each of them
In to the wood
One nail, one hit
Efficient
The blow created tension within the wood
That nail will never come out again
Had he taken his time
He could've removed
The rusty nails with less effort
To change what needed changing
20 years from now

It's just like that
When we speak to people.
Be forcefull
And create an unyielding mindset
Be gentle
And create a flexible surface
For evolution.

"She's a ****"
How many times have I heard that
And how many times have I argued her case
So. You want to be able to sleep around
Free, no attachment, let's keep it fun
It's a one time thing
And surely next weekend there will be another girl by your side
And I bet you'll call her a cab in the morning
But she is the ****?
Why don't you turn out your pockets
Show us the picture of your pretty girlfriend
And then see what how many condoms exactly
You thought you'd need tonight
And she's the *****?

"She's too much of a dude"
I so want to hear this
You say she won't just nodd and smile
Like proper girls should
And she won't accept your arguement
Au contraire, she'd love to talk more about it
And surely, if you can't win an arguement with a woman
She should just be robbed off of her femininity all together
Well if only "dudes" can have meaningfull conversations
Then you must all be *******.