I spend my time
Strolling back and forth
The shopping street
Not wanting to go home
As though there's something
To be found

I've watched a robbery
In a cigarette store
For the value of 17€
I smiled and tipped
The lady 12€ to help her
As she sobbed
Her fear away

I gave my coffee and a cigarette
To a homeless woman
And strolled around
Looking for the young girl
The homeless girl
With a puppy in her arms
Intending to dump out
My coin section in to her cup
As if the 7€ I gave her the other day
Wasn't enough

I've had lengthy conversations
With my cat
Who is not at all pleased
That we moved
He doesn't like
The new cats in this house
Mostly because he's scared
Continuesly complaining
That the water I gave him
Doesn't taste good
He wants a fountain instead

I've found all the Signs now
And I came to understand
That I did the same thing to you
As I did to the person who went before you.
The billboard said:
"Will we understand each other better?"
The ring that displayed an anchor
Whispered that I'm stuck
In still waters
I cried at the loss of you

If only I had understood
What I understand now.
And yes eye contact is still an issue
But maybe your eyes are not
That scary now
Maybe I'd spill all my emotions now
As though knowing
I cannot hide them anyway.
If only I had known better then.

I remember the first time
I layed eyes on you
The cracks on your body
Were right there
It was like you wanted
Me to see them
On some level

I saw nothing in your eyes
And I was immediatly drawn to you
Yet I saw no indication
That you felt it too
It was never in your eyes
But it must've been somewhere
Since I heard the exchange

"Did you know she was here"

"no man!"

My heart leaped
But then I saw more than
I could handle
Couldn't get that stupid smirk
Off my face for a week
Couldn't approach you
Any other way
Than the way I did...

But then I was drawn in to a pit
And seemingly you put it there
That's what it looked like:
A trap
A trap for humiliation
And shame.
But in hindsight
It all looks like a big accident.

And I guess I don't blame you now.
Just wish I could read your mind.
Just wish I could leave it behind.
And I do assume that you did.
But then why do I keep running in to you.
On street, in my head, in my dreams.

You left a trace within me
And never even flinched.

Nobody is better or worse
There's no good or bad
There is only that
Which makes you
Happier and healthier
And that which makes you
Unhappier and unhealthier.
For the latter:
Your best weapon
Is a positive choice and attitude,
For this is in your control

If another person
Elevates themselves above you
It is only out of fear
To be run down.
If another person
Tells you that you are not enough
Then that is the exact same thing
They tell themselves
When they look in the mirror.
Are you going to let
Another person
Take away your power
To be happy and healthy?

never raise your children, the way your parents raised you

Mum I know you said
That we'd be striktly professional
But I have to admit
I really wasn't
And you have to understand
Neither were you.

I respect your father's approach
But perhaps it will help
If you understand
That I will not become
More obedient
When you take things away.

I will become more resilient
In my approach to get what I want.
Now perhaps this made you
More willing to obey
But it only made me rebel.

I only wanted to do
All the things the other maids didn't.
Should've been easy enough
For you as my boss
In a work place
Where everyone complains.

All late shifts
Work each weekend
Clean the apartment
I know all the other girls
Hated that
But I liked my job.

"We're making you a supervisor

The tendency
That came forth was:
If you're happy
I will change that.
Is it easier now
That I quit?

I guess I should be happy
I got the job I wanted
I got a warm home
Back with family
It all looks great on paper...
I guess it was all great before too...
It wasn't that bad.
So what pushed me off the edge
Why did I run off?

I guess I just got tired
Of seeing you.
Not seeing you.
Not understanding.
The subtle hints
And all the contradictions.
Everything I thought I wanted
Embodied within you.
The one I couldn't have.

I know you said
You kept apologizing
But it was never enough
For her

But perhaps you
Should look at it this way:
If your apology
Was not enough...

Then maybe it was not enough, because she was not angry at you

She may have
Expressed her anger at you
She may have projected on you
But she was never angry
Over anything you did

but what someone else did to her

And maybe you
Are not angry at me
For distancing myself
To protect myself

Maybe you are angry at yourself.

Maybe you're angry at her.

There have not been alot
Of instances
Where "sorry"
Was not enough
Sure I'm stubbon
And unyielding
But "sorry"
Has been enough
For my loved ones too
I've had alot of things
To be sorry for.

Granted, honestly
I've never been easy
But in all honesty
I've never been easier
To deal with than I am now.
I've come to believe in excuses
I've come to believe
That there's a good reason
For every single mistake

I just need to fill the gap
With the reason
Why it happened in the first place.
Heaven doesn't judge you
So why would I?
I truly believe in excuses.
Just need to hear them
To make peace
So I can let my guard down again.

Because when I know
You're sorry,
I will know that you won't
Do it again.
There's no punishment
There's no revenge.
Just an action
And a reason for it's existance.

synrconicity, law of attraction and manifestation*

After the redundant
Courtcase I had this morning
Where I was cleared
Of all charges
Thank you very much
I ordered a coffee
In the center of the city
And for no apparent reason
I gaze out of the window
Right behind me.
I try to live in this moment
So there was no reason
For me to turn and look
But as I looked
I watched you pass by
Looking more bear-ish
Than I've ever seen you
I opened my mouth
As though I was going
To say something
Then realising
There's a window inbetween

I went about my day
Casually strolling
As I handeled my Nikon D3200
And as I turned to walk on
There you were again
Again I opened my mouth
As though I was going
To say something
Only to see that
You would not have heard me anyway

I believe all things to have
A purpose and a reason
Yet you're very existance
Only raises questions
That I could not voice
If my life depended on it.
I cannot explain enough
How deeply attracted I am
To your grumpy persona
But perhaps you only
Reflect me in this time and space
I have seen your soul before
And he's so much kinder
Than I precieve you,
The vessel to be.
Then do you go against yourself?
The soul is the boss
But then why do I upset you so much?
My relationship to your soul
Has always been clear and deep.
If only I could reconjure
The lifetimes that made it so.
I did not ask you to come to me
You came on your own accord.
78 lifetimes together
Says a whisper
But then why can't we
Level up now?

The creepy dental girls
That's what they called us
They gave us the same looks
As kids did when I studied Latin
But we were just technicians
Dental technicians

And why I ever gave it up
I cannot explain to myself
But the will is within my eyes
And the craft within
My fingertips
I smiled at the first crown
I had seen in more than a year

I know what you're made of
What build you
And what will break you
I know you

We always said:
You need to be all for it
And it will work out fine...
Other wise you're wasting your time.

Everything you need
Will come to you
At a perfect time
I may have spent
Two years
Asking the same
******* question
"When"
The answer was within
The gentle smile
That was cast down
To my crown

when you're ready*

I did my time

I ended it
And **** worked out
New job
The kind I love
Paris at the end
Of the next month
New employer
Casually calls it
A teambuilding trip
All expenses included.

New place to live
Money pouring down
Driver's lisence
Should be around the corner now
It's like clock work
Still I wonder
What clock are you watching?

Would love to syncronize with you.

"Find contentment within yourself"
I could.
I could go about my day
Mind my own business
But it doesn't seem to work
There's a deep sorrow
Within my heart
Like I just missed my exit
By a few seconds
I walk on scowling
Wondering how it came
To be that way.
I guess I just need to know
Whether you feel it too.

The homeless
More often than not
We assume that they
Made themselves that way

Perhaps this is true
To some extent
But I think that
Maybe we're all responsible

Even if it's just a little

A friend of mine
Has a real heart for adventure
She came to see me
And hung out all night

With, yes, the homeless.

They had as much cash
As she did
She was not homeless
Just reckless

Yet she gave what she had
To a young man
Who looked after her
In a strange country

(After she took off to explore the city on her own)

He wanted to exchange
A loaf of bread
For his bike
With two flat tires.

She found more
Genuine common desency
Within them than most people
Who have it all.

"Don't worry girl, I've got your back"
Knowing full well
That she was on street
Just out of curiosity

Some of them really
Just need someone
To look at them
And see

A real human
With the same heart
The same mind
And the same emotions

As everybody else.

I will not think differently
Of you, if one day
I drop a euro in to your cup
Or you drop one in mine.

Her large eyes watched me
Preparing a meal for her
To ease her hunger
And a little unsure she asked me:
Why are you so nice to me?

I smiled because I understood
Know this my friend
You have nothing I want
I do this because I love you
And because I can.

I know I can't change the world
Although I truly want to
Each good deed sends waves
Across the universe
All I can do is empower you

Surely we must practice
What we preach
To do right by the world
But before anything else
We must learn
To preach the right things

That's all I wish of you
And I will help empower you
So that one day
When you are whole, learned and strong
You may do the same for someone else

Start with the small things
One day they will be big things
Hold on to the ones that fall
Pull a stranger in to safety
That's how you change the world.

The truth of the matter is
That we only get angry
For three reasons,
All of which can be
Traced back to fear

1. Not understanding:
When one understands
The actions of another
It becomes easier
To respond calmly

2. Being ashamed:
Whether they meant it
That way or not
Shame is a choice
If we had known better,
We would've done better.

3. Being hurt:
Only the things
We cannot let go of
Will end up choking us
Whether it is love
Or pride and honor
Choose your responce
Not out of spite,
But to create understanding.

The number of times
I've said the words
"I'm not angry,
This is my face"
And the number of times
I've waited my time
To give them what for
Just to make them see
Things from the other side.

And the number of times
I've swallowed my pride
And whispered
you're right
The number of times
I've found happiness
In being taught a lesson

*Because when I know better, I can do better. However choose the way to teach a lesson carefully, it can make us greater or smaller. Choose your weapon carefully.

Unfortunately I'm coming to understand
How much we suffocated each other
Don't worry, I'm not resentful.
But you know me,
I pay my part
And leave things to that
And when the pain is durable
I put the past to bed very fast

But now I see my hands
Tied as they have been
Paint pictures,
Like they're coming off a conveyor.
I know you never understood
Why I stopped drawing
The thing is that
I didn't love myself enough
To think my art was good enough
And you might like to know
I can almost feel the camera
In my hands

And now I feel my voice chords
As I hear my voice echo
Harmoniously through this space
I took what is mine
And let it out again
Do you remember how you said
"I'm just waiting for you to sing"
Well I'm singing now
With joy in my heart

And you...
Well I know this was not what you wanted
But look at you
You've made this home
In to a new version of you
You've started taking care
Of yourself again
This is what loving yourself
Does to you.

I know deep down
You're staring to feel
Life flowing through
Your vains again.
Go live.
I'm not resentful. :)

I woke up to the sound
Of a slow guitar
I woke up to a hint in the air
Even now you haunt my dreams
I wish you would just
Leave me alone

I've known souls to travel before
And I've known souls to subdivide
But then why would yours
Hang around me?
Maybe it's a lie
Maybe it's true

Maybe there's too much
Resistance
Where there should only be
Desire
Maybe I've missed something
Maybe I've made mistakes

Anything I can think of
I can back up
But does it matter
If you sleep by my side
Every night
Without being here at all?

Maybe you made a mistake
I know that to be true
But then does it matter
If my heart takes a leap
At the thought of you

Silently he watched the wind, blow
The smoke against the lifeless figures, laughing
At the release of life, praying
As the dust changed the landscape, time
Scattered the bones, but
The soul screamed indignity, venging
As time buried him deeper, the
Devil watched, dispatching angels, portents of death
Screamed the land awake, turning
The dark blood red, tearing
At flesh screaming into the night.
The pain was as deep as the loss
The loss eternal
The people ran
They ran for their lives
Roofs on fire
From a distance,
Looking much like
Large camp fires
Slowly merging in to each other
The people screamed
Had it not been for the vanity
Of the deranged king
The restless village
Would be but that:
Restless
As the deranged king
Reigned with an iron fist


Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney Production

An inbetween job
That's all it was
I forgot I was accomplished
Cleaning up your crap
I learned that it takes
Physical endurance
Flawless efficiancy
And fierce organisation
And above everything else
Healthy intelligence
To do what these girls do everyday
Supervising the girls
I learned compassion
A few months ago it was me
And guess what?
I learned humility.
It was beautiful
I learned that whatever pit
I get stuck in
I always grow out of it
I've never let hierarchy limit me
Never looking down on
My people on the floor again
But elevate them above everything else
Because it is on their backs
That the economy grows
I made no mistake
I took the job
And turned it all in my advantage
This will look great on my cv
Because that's how
I will see it.

Message received
I mean so totally received
Not sure where it all went wrong
But maybe it wasn't right
To begin with
You've made yourself clear
I'll stop wondering around now
And focus on the things
That really matter
I totally get it now
Can't wait for my new job
Won't need to watch my step any longer
I'm kind of happy about it
Moving out soon
And I really got it all figured out
Everything except my inexplicable
Interest in you
Time heals and I'm done
New challenge, new life, new city.

The soft whisper said
turn on the tv
find the local sports channel
And like commanded by
A higher force
I did
And there you were
They would call this
a happy coinicindence
But I do not believe in coincidence
Mostly because the sports channel
Is a foreign concept to me.
I know it was not an easy day for you
But I smiled at the sight of you.
Hope you're ok :)

There's a gray mist
Playing in the still
Morning air
I follow her footprints
The girl running
Ahead of me
Dressed in white
Her long blonde hair
Playing on her sholders
I nearly catch
The back of her dress
She turns still
Slightly playful
And faces me
I stop in realisation
I'm trying to catch myself
Mischeviously she laughs
And runs off again

I've been wondering about you
Why, I wouldn't know for the life of me.
There is a crack in your heart
That's almost visible to the naked eye.
There's a crack on your face
But the way I see you
It only makes you more perfect.
There's true beauty within
You're perfectly balanced vessel,
Yet I wonder how the scars got there.
And when you bleed,
Do you bleed red and white?
Like I bleed blue and white?
Or does your loyalty lie somewhere else?
Do you love the earth that grew you?
Do you live within your nation's pride?
Like I will always live within mine.
Is there a hair fine difference
Within what your heart tells you
And what your mind tells you?
Is there one thousand questions within your mind too?
Can there ever be enough curiosity
For what your heart holds?
Is it tied to someone else
Or is it roaming as free
As you like people to think you are?
Is it easy to be a man?
I bet it is
Sure should be easier than being a woman.
But then again,
How would I know
What responsabilities this world
Has cast down to your sholders.
Do you carry them with pride and honor
Or do you sometimes
Collapse like I do?
Is there as much love within you
As what reaches my eyes,
As I let my eyes secretly
Caress the features on your face.
How did you get to be
So robustly beautiful?

When I was a little girl
There were flowers in the sky
And stars in the grass
Everything was different
Life has become clearer
Everything has it's rightfull place
Yet somehow I tend to think
That the stars are meant to
Grow on green soft fields
And somehow flowers
Actually belong to heaven
Somehow the thought of you
Makes me believe again
That I will wake up one day
And find everything as it's intended
The flowers in the sky
And the stars in the grass

Mom I know you think
You're angry now
But maybe this will help you
I know you thought
I'd never amount to anything
Even after becoming a teamleader
At the age of 23

Even though you still don't
Believe it of me
Now that I'm one
Of your supervisors
Mrs Governess
So it's time I tell you a few things

I started going out
At the age of 14
I know you thought I was
Staying with my sister
And I really was
But... You know.

I lost my virginity
6 months before you found out
I've had more than one accident
You know aside from the one
That you know of
But to be honest,
I kind of blame you
For never wanting to talk about it
That's not going to
Make it stop from happening

It was me who broke in to the cellar
Sorry I left my keys at home
You know... Even after
You installed that wooden thing
And removed the doorknob
After I did it the first time
You know... To make sure
I wouldn't do it again

I was not selling my body
When I didn't come home
All summer and the easter vacation
I was with the Consul's daughter
Smoking, drinking and getting high
We broke in to some
Abandonned houses
And set a few trash cans on fire

We stole her dad's car
Well they stole, I stood on street
Telling the other cars to turn around
We also stole Pedro's car
Nobody had a driver's license
And there were 6 passengers
I violated a few christian statues
And made out in a confessional

I used to come an hour late
To school on mondays
So I could cash my cheque
At the bank
You know... From the cleaning job
That I did after school
Which is how I got all the money
And no, dark street corners
Had nothing to do with it

We got in to a fight on the bussstation
And almost again
When a girl threatened my sister

Are you still mad
About me quitting
My current job?

John, he said his name was John
I would not have given you
A second look
Let alone answer your mail
Had I not felt so drawn to you
It was beyond me
I'm seeing it happen all over again
I'm a little more humble
And a little more causious
But let me tell you a few things
About what your precious ego
Has accomplished
You've planted the seed of suffering
And you know it
How does your Guide feel about that?
It's easy to play a girl
When you know all the tricks
It's real easy to play a girl
With 20 years extra expirience
On utter stupidity
it is stupidity
Because you know how wrong you were
No need to text me now
I'm done, I'm so done
Take your ego and pride
And hold it dear, close to your heart
But don't come crying to me
When you stand before God
At a lower level than when you started
You lost too much virtue
And you're out of my hands
I cannot help you now

But I will tell you this
At the rate that I distrust
My own judgement and logic now days
As a result of the things you put me through
I may not be far away from you
And believe me
I will come at you for this

There's something beyond
You perfectly balanced body
Beautifully curving lips
And those kind eyes
Indeed
There is something beyond
Your well trained abbs
Your arms that invite an embrace
And perfectly shaped strong posture

There's something beyond
The way you look
That makes me want to
Peel your clothes off
And run my tongue
All over all of you
It's not the cylindrical shape
That according to statistics
In my animal brain
Should be as impressive as you

That's not it
However pleasurable it might be
But there is something within you
That makes me want to
Test your limits
In the kindest and softest way
To explore your body
And hopefully impress you too
It is within my ***** mind
Where I realise all the things
I'd love to do on to you

On to you
On top of you
Below you
On my knees
On your knees
On my hands and knees

You get the picture

Intelligence is measured by many things
In fact there are many ways to be intelligent
I may not be able to solve a mathematic issue
To save my life
-ok if I really tried-
But I will always understand emotion
And strive to understand it's rootcause
In fact, emotions are such as the Tao
Extremely simple.
It would however take bravery
To be honest with one's self
To be fair
To find the right answers

The right answer is not always the same as the correct answer. Always do what is right

There's very little compassion
In the correct answer
There is very little humanity
In the correct answer
So choose the right answer instead
For above anything else
Are you not human too?
So in the end
If you truly want to understand something
Persuing it, will increase your intelligence
Depending on which field you choose.
Take the time to understand
Take the time to be wrong
Forgive yourself through
Your mistakes
Live within your love
You know, the one you have
For yourself

This will increase your intelligence.

We talked
For the first time ever
We actually talked

We agreed
That mistakes were made
But we're still friends

There's nothing else I can say
I lost an obstacle
And I gained my best friend

Because above anything else
That's what we have always been
Best friends.

We are going our own ways
You go yours and I go mine
But I still got your back

And I know you've got mine.

If wish you hadn't done that
Torn the blankets off me
And called me a *****
Mum, I was only 20
It wasn't anything I did
I never compromised my honor
Mum I really didn't

I wish you hadn't purposely
Let me oversleep
In hopes I would lose my job
Mum, I really couldn't figure out life
Was it that your man was helping me?
Was it that I was given the attention
A father should've given a daughter
Sure he's not my dad
But he likes to think he is

I really wish you hadn't done that
Let me go through
All the lies and accusations
While your ex incriminated me
Of things I have never done
I really wish
You hadn't waited for my tears to flow
At loss for any other escape

I really wish you hadn't
Put my friends above me
I really wish I could like Christmas
But the way I remember it
This was the occasion
To ridicule me for
Everything I was
And everything I would never be

And sure it wasn't just you
But surely you have come to understand
That this is how children compete
For attention
By teaming up against one

Mum I really wish
My school degree
Wasn't a way for you to evelate
Yourself above your sister in law
Her sons are doing so well
And you have two accomplished daughters
And one me
Who incidentally does
Whatever comes up first

I am so unpredictable,
I don't know what I'm going to do next.
I really wish I hadn't understood
And diligently ignored
The possibility
That maybe you're too broken
To really see that in fact
You are competing with your own children
For things that we never wanted
Nor cared for:
Your alfa female status.

You wouldn't know
What's behind the smile
That plays upon my lips
The laughter and echoes in this space
You would never guess what is happening in my head
As I diligently distance myself
From what happened
I've been this way since I was a child
The trick is the following
"If it doesn't show,
It didn't happen"
And it has taken over
Each defeat
Each embarassment
And each heartbreak
If it doesn't show
It didn't really happen
And I guess I'm sorry
For all the times
It "didn't happen"
I could've been braver
And put it all on display
But I do not care
To make you feel bad about it
If it naggs on you
You will come to terms with it
In your own time.
If it doesn't...
Well then I suppose
It doesn't make a difference
Whether you laughed at my downfall
You will never understand
Untill it happens to you.
You would never know
As I'm almost always friendly
It's a self-preservation technique
I hope you will never learn
But honey
It's not that hard to fix
Just stick with it
Eventually I will crawl out of my shell
I have too much pride you see :)

There must be something within you
Whispering the same teachings
As the voices within my heart
There must be many blessings
Slipping through your fingers
Playing in the palm of your hand
To finally rest within your vessel
There must be a reason
For why I long for you so deeply
There must be one day
When it will all make sense
Heaven has never let me down yet
And as I take the steps up
The stairway to heaven
I cannot help
But to imagine
That you will be there
Reaching out for me

Yet I cannot be sure
There's no proof
Of the whispers that reach my ears
There's only rumors
And the scent of your sheets
That I should not have
Layed my hands upon
But I changed them anyway
Who will speak against me
When there's no proof
Only whispers that reach their ears
I only have valid reasons
To back me up
And a pleasurably guilty consciousness

No I am not upset
That you went behind my back
It makes sense to be scared now
I'm not upset
And I do not have all the answers
I do not have all the knowledge
So then how could I be angry
That you look for answers for yourself
I understand whole heartedly
And I agree.
Don't change your approach
It's taking you to the right place
To my heart.

what the mind thinks, the body becomes*

If I continuesly hate myself
For the way I look
Will my body not become resentfull
Surely, nobody wants to be
Told off all day long

Today a lady said to me
Don't change, now you look good
I resisted the urge to say
"I looked good 10 kilos ago"
It makes sense that others don't see it
They don't love their own bodies

So instead I told her
"Love your body and it will love you back"
However never use your love
As a conditioning technique
It will surely backfire.

So if I close my eyes
And tell my hands to type a word
They will surely do so
Not just because I can blindtype
But because my body knows how.

And if I close my eyes
And tell my body to hold on
To the last thing I see as I fall
My hands will never miss
Such is the intelligence
Of the mind-body connection.

So if I tell my body
You can adjust to anything painlessly
Surely she can do so

She has done it many times before
Even as I resisted the urge to run away
In order not to rip myself apart
But I never ripped
Because my vessel
Is as flexible as I humbly request her to be
And she knows it.

A Mexican standoff is a confrontation among two or more parties in which no participant can proceed or retreat without being exposed to danger. As a result, all participants need to maintain the strategic tension, which remains unresolved until some outside event makes it possible to resolve

Now I don't know what
You are waiting for
But all you need to do
In my book
Is speak the words.

There's no need to mend things
God knows that if it wasn't
For Karmic responsability
I would've spoken those words
A long long time ago.

I don't need anything from you
Just wish you'd come clean
Your foal mood has been going on
Since last Thursday
And for all I care
You can just say it

give him time
Says a whisper of compassion
Yes, even now, there is compassion
he needs time to mend himself
take this seriously
everything else has checked out*

You learn your lessons in high speed
But I certainly wish
It wasn't just because
You're waiting for me to pay the bills
I'd pay them either way
Have I ever been anything less
Than fair?

C'mon. Spit it out.

It's almost impossible to explain
These waves that carry me around
There must be a million islands here
Yet I always end up at the same shore
I can only express it
With my exhilarated heartbeat
The weakness of my body
Eventhough I've always known
It to be exceptionally strong and virtuous
I have never felt such a pull before
Not even then...
It's almost like the Divine
Grabbed my ear, like I'm a stubborn child
And said walk this way, you know you want to
Who am I to go against it
Suppose it's a way of Trust
Knowing that it's right
Eventhough everything looks wrong now
Everything except you.

It's almost like you're here
I can almost feel your fingers
Tangled with mine
The heat that radiates from your body
The echo of your heartbeat
The sound of your voice
That sends a steady vibration through me
As it rises from somewhere within you
But I guess what I like the most
Is how calm you come across
You stand so steadily in your shoes
It brings out all my insecurities
Not that this is what you want
But I finally understand what it's like
To be the recipient of such a strong energy
That radiates from your heart
It's almost like you're here.

"Spiritual testing is the means to the teach lessons and release the things that no longer serve us"

Time to arrange the jewelry box
I do this as a from of meditation
My body responds heavily
Perhpas somewhere in the middle
Of all these pieces I will find
My suppressed femininity

I look through everything
Silvers together
Each in their own box
Only own a few gold pieces
Be sure to find them all
The memory of the lost necklaces
Flashed by many times

The family heirlooms are still here
Old German silver, the stamp ring
The Hawaian corals
And the handcrafted tree
That holds precious stones
But where are the diamond earrings

They aren't really mine
Never considered them to be mine
Just like the necklaces
That were given
From Godmother to Godchild
As a way to express love
In this way, they were priceless
My stress levels rise up
This is exactly why I don't wear jewelry

help me* I whisper to the sky
An image appears before my eyes:
I'm putting them in a small plastic  bag
To make sure I don't lose them
****, what did I do
go about your day, they will turn up
Says a soft whisper
And I feel a smile upon me
you will learn something

I go about my day
And as I clear out the mess I made
Making sense of things
I find a small plastic bag
That holds a pair of diamond earrings and a ring
I'm not that irresponsible to lose them

The smile is upon me again...
*you have learned your lesson

Highschool, what am I going to do
"Start high as high as you can"
Latin and sciences
It was great, I passed everything
Math and sciences
My motivation is missing
Nothing adds up
Behaviorsm and languages
But I can't pass French
Nailed it just barely
"What is happening to you"
Nothing adds up

There's a glimmer in the distance
They all say don't go there
Tears in my teacher's eyes
Please don't leave
You can still make it
Don't throw this away
But the canvas is calling me
The soft brushes and crayons
The colors and pictures
The creativity is there

I built my skills up
And I take the extra lessons
On landscape drawing
I stop showing up
Nothing makes sense
I fell asleep in class
My body gave up
"What is happening to you"
Nothing just leave me alone
Second semester, great record of attendance
But my motivation is out of reach

Lost the year, what now
Technical studies, that's me
And I found my tribe
The grasp in my neck
That I needed
Someone who sees through me
That was you and I can't thank you enough
Just for being who you are
The class is full of freaks
Just like me
This is where art school payed off

You took my hand
Asked me no questions on my past
And pushed me through
Like there was no question
That I would make it
Graduating year
Somebody wrote it on a piece of paper
"You can do anything, if you want to"

There's a soft sensation
On my lips
I feel it daily now
That convinces me
That you are not rough
Better yet you are not fast
In your movements
You move slowly
Reaching each cell within me
With your intense
Yet gentle energy

There's a subtle hint
In the energies
Now bursting toward me
That tell me
How much care
You would put in your caress
As the images
Send a sensation down my blouse
And a compressed tingle
Up my thighs

Carefully I direct my attention
Elsewhere
Always elsewhere

There's a soft caress
Running up my back
A hand that looks
Just like yours
A lighting bolt
That silently emits
From your fingertips
Wish I could touch it
But it moves in to me
As you move in to me

*And I nearly feel your pulse...

The Gods hate me
Every time I think
I'm over it
I run in to you
You say nothing special
But my knees are weak
For an hour after
Wish you just went away
Can't do this anymore
The Gods hate me

The Gods hate me
The images start
Flowing in my mind
I know your scent
Better than I'd like to
And your silhouette
More vividly than I care to
The colors in your hair
And the shades in your eyes
And that cute crooked smile
The Gods hate me

By what standarts
Do you measure yourself?
Achievements
How many you've loved
How many loved you back
How many you've conquered
Or how many
You've rejected
How many you have
Indeed held hanging by a thread
All your conquests
And how popular you are
Your large entourage

All of that may be great
But in the end of the day
I will not be impressed at all.
Your enviornment
Does not interest me.
I want to know
But one thing:
How sincerely you've loved yourself
In the end of the day
I will only ask one thing of you:

*show me your heart

What if I got one day
To be someone else?
To walk another's shoes
On a different path?
What would I be?

Would I want to make
All the bad memories go away?
Surely they do not serve me?
Would I want to be unharmed?
A more delightful existance?
Perhaps all the bad things
Made me better than
I could've ever imagined.
Was it in a gentle way?
No, but it was turned
In to my advantage after all

Would I want to be rich?
The mere thought
Makes me giggle.
What can the world offer me
In materials and things
That would make me happier
Than what is in my heart?
Surely I come from a good family
You know, the kind
That got a little lost over time.
"You may never be rich,
But you'll always be intelligent"
Isn't that enough?

I'd like to think so.
Money doesn't tempt me
Nor does the loss of a fortune
Scare me.
Poverty made us inventive.
I've never felt bad about it anyway.

Would I want to be
The It-Girl?
Somewhat glamorous perhaps?
serious question
Not really...
What does she have
That I don't?
I may not be much
On the social ladder,
But I was never much
Of a social climber.
I speak to everyone the same way
Isn't that what we need?
Just plain reality of things?

I know!
If I got one day
To be someone else
I would be
The person I will be tomorrow.
That's who I want to be.

A whisper reaches my ears
please just relax
We are going to serve you

A blue Light
Within the depths of my heart
You've been here since I was 5
Holding me together
From tearing apart
From losing my mind
You are the frequency in my voice
That people have come to fear
The commander that
Bends armies to it's will
How many times have I heard
"It's your voice"

Alright sure, I scare you again
How, I won't understand for the life of me
I'm just calm
Just me
Just scary to you...

Age 25, standing before the mirror
What does it look like to see me
Introspection
Suddenly and for the first time
I see it for myself
Never noticed before
Even while perfectly calm...

My teacher's voice echoes through my mind

"You walk in like a thunderstorm!"

But now I see it
I scared myself
There's nothing to be done
It comes from inside
The blue Light
The Source Light
The warrior with the color of my eyes

you need to come to terms with yourself young lady
you look like a girl but that's not what people see
they see a solidier, nearly two meters tall
let it go, reincarnation is a teacher
You can be a girl and a master at the same time.
you make men have to be stronger
so they won't try to bend you to their will
you stepped up to protect yourself and it's time to step down

And so I looked to Guan Yin
The mother of all women
I smile from my heart
make me a girl
Not a woman
Not a warrior
a girl
The smile is returned
And I'm dressed in
Soft pink and flowers
*On the inside

In the deepest slumber
In the sweetest dream
I felt your warm presence
Your heartbeat on my back
Your arms around me
Your fingerprints all over me
Red tracks on your skin
From last night

One can only feel love
To the exact extent they
Have succeeded in loving themselves.
Not because others will not love us more
Than we love ourselves,
But because we will only
Precieve love to the exact extent,
We have succeded in loving ourselves.

The degree of our suffering depends mostly on our own responce to it - Guan Yin

why are you crying

If I hadn't suffered so much
Would I not have been happier now?
Would I not have been freer?
Would I now not be released of blaming you?

why did you suffer

Because they harmed me mother
They did me wrong
They took all that I gave
And turned in to soil

Is it your responsability?

It was my effort
My tireless effort
It was what I did out of love!
It was what I gave of myself!

And did you expect something in return?

No.
Maybe.
Yes.
Love.

why would they not love you? Do you have to serve others to win them over

I suppose that's really not
How it should be,
But mum how else will they
Ever love me for who I am?

are you not kind

I think I am

are you not sweet

Sure...

then why would they not love you?

To this I don't know
The right answer
Why do we love
Generally speaking?

*because it's within us. You can only love that within another if you find it within yourself. Love selflessly and you will be loved selflessly. Not because you will never meet those who try to abuse you but because you will stop needing them all together. Love yourself unconditionally and you will be loved unconditionally

It's your to-do list
That bothers me the most
And excellent way to controll someone
It's kind of like that man
Who only utters the words
"I love you"
To reward "good behavior"

That is the same way you
Perform your
"Duties, responsabilities and expectations"
The way you have lived your life
With me
Is increasingly similar
To the way you lived with your mother

"I'll just do all of this to shut her up"
Meanwhile you continue
To ignore me
To disengage
And to allow the tears to flow
What I wouldn't have done
For your attention
three years ago
But that time has passed...

I no longer wait for you
To pay attention
To love me
To touch me
In fact
The idea of you doing
Any of the above
Irks me

Please please please
Just take your things and go
You can have it all
You can even have the cats
You can keep everything
We got together
When we built this home
You can have it all

In exchange for my freedom

How is it that I ever let you have it anyway?
My youth's mistake I suppose
Should've broken free in time
Now I'm stuck in a rut
Catching my breath
For a fresh breeze
Please just leave

No tears to shed
They're all wasted
Just a smile on my face
As the truth slowly spreads
Through your worn eyes
There's nothing here anymore

*Please just leave

The poor children
That's what we were called
Surrounded by drunks and drug addicts
Single mothers and their hordes of children
The future cleaning ladies and harbour workers
We sometimes watched the orphans
Wondering what would become of them

In our own world
We were richest of them all
While the mothers worked
Through sweat, tears and stress
There was always someone
To show a little kindness
"Those kids can come with us, we're neighbours"
This meant pizza for dinner

The summers were for exploring
Golden fields hiding rabbits and phaesants
Truthfully covering a dump yard of course
Trees were naturally for climbing
Move through the forest without touching the ground
A tailbone got injured here and there
No time to see a doctor, it will heal on it's own!
Play hide and seek
Race each other on bikes
I always cheated
Where that stream really lead to, we never found out

But by that very stream we built
From planks and nails
Isolated with candlewax
A little cottage
Every day after school
No one knew where all the nails and candles had gone to
And how the community wood supply seemed to vanish
"Only the good planks" because we had standarts
Who would've noticed the little ones when the grass grew so high
It was our little secret

Naturally the road workers took it down
"Unsafe structure" someone said
A whole summer lay in ruins before us
The toolboxes were quietly returned to their rightful owners
Bored as we were, we gave it another shot
This time supported by a tree
We'd hoist ourselves up with a robe

That was taken down too
We felt sorry for the tree!
But winter's close
That meant snow castles
Never wondering what might happen
If the structure collapsed on us
The tunnels lead to nowhere and everywhere

The mothers were working
Who would stop us
But when our mum was home
All kids were invited for dinner
Us and 12 others
Future cleaning ladies and harbour workers
Blissfully unaware
What lengths the mothers went to, to feed us
I've never been poor in my life.

You were just like any other girl
Such a strange way to meet you
Saw you at a concert, Dimmu Borgir
My heart leaped, like I knew you
Nearly screamed "hi"
Oh wait, I don't know you

or do I?

Slowly start the rumors
There's a new girl in the scene
She's got puffy hair and a doll face
Loves Finnish people
Never seen Turks in the metal scene
I uncovered all the intriques for you
All the lies and stories
I'll cover for you girl

And did we ever cover for each other
Team
-Third degree concussion
"It was just bad luck"
Stayed by your bed for three days
-Mum kicked me out
Stayed with you for a week
-must've drank too much
The earth is turning
Must've smoked too much
The earth is turning
The scent of Agent Provocateur
By my side
-"you can't give me a fine!
I have diplomatic immunity!"

And nobody quite understood
Your OCD like I did
Spent hours, days, weeks, months, years
Tryingto fix you
Your crazy never held me back
unconditionally
4 years later, you're a normal girl
Two weeks apart, all undone

Two weeks apart
And I'm a hotmess
The lights went out
The world went dark
The fire went out
Dynamic Duo undone
You're a hotmess
Tears shed over air waves
Your voice through Skype

"It's a strange relationship"
Said your psychologist
"I've never seen two friends
So in tune with each other"
I have my heart full
Of fond memories
We lived a lifetime in 4 years
And we made it all count

You've been gone for years
We grew up
My heart's still full
And as I tell myself
It's all gone
I nearly hear you squeaky voice
As I read the text

*Last night I got drunk and watched all our videos. Happy birthday. I love you