Sincerety...
My teacher once spoke them words
Her voice, soft as the wings on these birds
I took her words to my heart
Sticked to them from the start

Always really

But now I hear you speak
Like it's some cruel streak
Well **** Imma take that from you
*** your communication is ill too

What you see is what you get
Honesty is always the safest bet
But that's never been your strength
As you gossip at a baffeling length

Fine Imma say it
See how you'd take it
If I really stop selecting my speech
Words to fill these sheets

You're a selfish ****
With no regard for those
Who work day and night
For an over grown kid
Come real close
Imma show you the light

A certain peace befalls us
As we stroll through these fields
Where the grass grows so high
I've been here before
It's where I played as a child
3 weeks every summer

I still smell the scent of the barn
That held home
To 16 cows
Here they cut off the horns
And feed them hormones
But not where I come from

Their warm coat colored brown and white
I still hear the lady call them out
Her voice echoes
Through the hallways of my memory.
Here we stopped being
The girls from the city

Each august it was time to harvest
We carried the pitch forks
In our small hands
To the fields where the tractors
Slowly drove by
Skin scratched open
From the insect bites

The burden of hay allergy
But we never loved it less
We caught mise in the barn
Build beds of hay blocks
Swam in the lakes
And took long walks

Toward the end of the cow's labor
With our bare hands
We aided the calf in to this world.
And watched their first steps
And offered them their first milk
We sighed from boredom
And screamed of exitement

There where the grass grows so high.

some people don't know that they are controlling

Would I? Myself
Want to controll another?
Only if I needed to controll myself.
Only if I didn't trust
That my life was safe and secure.
Only if I had something
Left to lose.
What's the harm right?

Right!
The harm is
That you become responsible
For another's happiness
Do not change others
Let them be who they are
Let them be what they are
If it doesn't serve you
Keep them at bay
For you are the only one
Responsible for your own happiness.

Accept others in to your life
And only ever ask them
To make themselves happy.
And never forget
To make yourself happy too.
Because that's where
Consistent joy lies
You have the power
To choose your own path
To some extend
And then comes the soul.
the soul is the boss*

Do not stop
To ask others to suit your needs
You have to suit your needs
What others do for you
Is their own choice
And when it's good
It's the deepest expression
Of how much they love you.
That is true love
And it is as vast as time.
Allow it in to your life
And you will see
Miracles manifest.

I keep hearing...
It's like a voice...
It keeps telling me
All these negative things

My dear sister
I know you don't believe it
But you could actually
Talk to those voices
I know you don't believe it
But you are hearing
The very same
Spiritual messages as I do.

We'll just call it insecurity
Which is where this comes from.
you know when it happens to me
I just argue it untill it stops
Or smile and ignore it
She smiled, case closed.
I wish I could tell you
But you are not open for this.
And that's ok.

I did take your advise though
You know when you said
To ask myself everyday
"What can I do to make myself happy now?"

Saturday, to work for an hour
It's surgery day
I know you don't care
But I'm sure
We can find other things to do
In the weekend

Regardless here we are
I watch you cut open the gums
And start drilling a whole
Piece by piece
You open up the gap
I know the principal from
My days in mechanics

Each time I see you here
In the operation room
You do something
To affirm your dominance
Last time you threw
A carpule, needle included
At the non-sterile assistant

This time you invade the space
Of the sterile assistant
Making her have to assume
The most unergonomic position
I could possibly imagine.
Yeah who cares
We're just assistants
No high degree

In a flash I hear it again
As I watch you
Do things that the technician
Within me, does not agree with
the first thing mechanics do
With a plan from the ingeneer
Is tear it down

Here I'll be the mechanic:
One does not put
Two implants to support
A bridge of four elements!
But hey you're the boss
Have it your way.

Wonderfull, you're back.
The offer is upgraded this time
Now you're actually trying
To have a real conversation
Before you try to get in to my pants
It's not going to happen
You were so bad
I wanted to regrow a *****
And convert in to a nun.
Let's not revisit that.

Later on...
I sat out with my sister
Watched him check out the goods
You're cute, come here
But then your friend
Started looking
No. No. No.
I wasn't looking at - aaargh.
Oh boo!
Why do the Gods hate me?

Can't date you
You're too old
And my body goes tick tock
Can't date you either
Because regardless
Of your fleeting interest in me
My best friend
Is in love with you.

And you.
I wouldn't date you
*** you're a ****.

That old guy I know
That's you
I've watched you
Grow old and age
I always wondered
When your black hair
Would turn gray
It did eventually.
Why couldn't I have black hair?

Now you take
A whole arsenal of medication
And your kideys gave up
I bet your liver
Functions on pure anger
And you're only still here
Because you're too scared to die

I think I'd miss you.
Even though we share
A wide range of genetic information
You have never been around
Never reached out
Even though you could hear me cry
Never looked up
While I basically hung up side down.

I still love you
The only person I ever trusted
To never let me fall.
Granted you never saw me fall
Because you never
Wanted to look
That's ok
I never missed having a dad
I'm not even sure I know
What that means

I'm not resentfull
I know you enjoy my antics
That you love the crazy **** I pull
That I could tell you anything
Because you are probably worse
That I can make fun of you
Pins and needles
And that you know
That that's just me saying
I love you

Without ever really saying it
Because I know
That it would make you cry.
I know how hard it is for you
When I hug you
When I kiss you
When I curl up against you.
It makes you cry
Because it reminds you
Of  a time when you knew
You were worthy of such affection.

I just wish you hadn't
Changed your last name.
Now it's different from mine.

Why did I do this to myself?
Not like I didn't know better.
Didn't have to add you
To be reminded that
You are in fact
The prettiest man I've ever seen.
You're so far out of my league
I can't even see you.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

The C-Pilot
You look just like all the other files
And yet you are different today
Because you're the only one left
The last one.

I watch him look at you
With appreciation and gratitude
He's joking about you
As though you were a woman.
I smile and ask him:

*Are you going to say the same
When the new order of C-pilots arrives?

It wasn't weird
Hanging out
Just wanted to see the cats
The furr babies
The Handsome Fluffybutts
But as I arrived
To the house
That was my home
For 5 years
I just got comfortable as ****.

I opened all the doors
Meditated on the couch
Waited for you to come home
And let you make me coffee
While chatting as always.
And **** was I ever impressed
You finally opened up
You told me your worries
Your finances
-Kudos for paying your debts-
Your fears and all the gossip
Your training schedule
And what your friends said.

I did what I always do;
Told you everything.
About almost everything.
Including the fact
That now that you're
All pumped up
And training like crazy
That you need new clothes.
That shirt's starting
To look funny on you.
You should get rid of it.
Meanwhile I'll go
Through your closets
As though they are still mine.

Another single girl
In your mid-twenties
I still remember the day
Of your wedding
You looked so beautiful
In your wedding dress
I nearly cried
As I stood waiting
For you to arrive
I spoke the vows
And blessed your relationship
You both eagerly agreed
Yet something turned in my gut
Why doesn't it feel right?
I announced you
Husband and wife
And "may you kiss the bride"

Now I'm sorry for your divorce
Feeling somehow
Responsible for
Marrying you to him
In the first place.
Will be here to catch your tears though.

"Look at me
I have nothing
To show for my life!
I just bought sunblock
With an anti-wrinkle agent!
I haven't had ***
For 6 months
My body is wasting away!
My eggs are wasting away!
What am I going to do
With my life?
I'm almost 30!!!"

Um...you're...26....
I think you still have time.

He drives an Audi

She looked around
Slightly distracted
Am I to gather
From this then
That you are in fact
Interested in him?

Girl I'll love you anyway
You're so ******* random
And truly an exquisite woman
Your childlike innosence
Becomes you.
But what's wrong
With a poor man?

It's all fine, I don't judge
But look out for yourself
Make the wrong choice
And his money
Will always have
The last word.
For better, for worse...
In sickness and in health.

There may be
Something within you after all:
Dumb-struck I look up
At your words
I hope I'll be accomplished*
Well **** girl
I hope that too
And you know what?

I'll be here for support
On your way to that.

I love you.
I love how messed up you are
And how normal you turned out
I look at you over drinks
After work
Both of you
Picture perfect
And neither of you see it
Within yourselves.
It's all
who would want me
And
I'm not good enough
It's all ***** secrets
And things we don't
Want to talk about.
It's all reflections
On all of our faces
As we frown and growl
And point fingers
At who did what.
But in the end of the day
I love you and I know
You all love me
So drop the act
I got all of your backs
And I know you've got mine.
There's alot to be discovered
In how perfectly
We all mirror each other
Giving all of us
Beautifull reflections
Of how we see each other
And each mirror
Is perfect in it's own way.

I lay in my bed
In the state
Between sleep and awake
Suddenly as clear as the blue sky
I hear your voice
Like whisper that comes
From out side
As though it really does
Reach my physical ear:
"Are you coming?"
Almost like you whispered
Because your soul knew
I was still sleeping.

Such are connections
I can hear your discomfort
And as I arrive to work
You tell me
That everything went wrong this morning.
But I knew that
Otherwise you would
Not have asked for help,
Would you?
And my energy
Would not have subdivided to you,
Now would it?

How it really feels?
How it feels to be spiritual?
Suppose it feels
Less like a prison
That we would call the body
Suppose I feel
That my energy is limitless

Suppose it feels
Like being everywhere at the same time.
But there's no chaos.
And sometimes when I close my eyes
I see all these people
From all over the world
I watch their lives
And smile without
A hint of judgement
Just love.

That's what being a servant is about; they need that judgementless smile

What a Message sounds like?
I suppose it feels
Like someone is
Gently blowing in my hair
At times I feel God
There's golden light
Within my body
That I've come to see as
More like a permeable membrane.

And sometimes
I feel various energies
Close to my body
"Are you coming? Can you please help me?"
Without hesitation
The strength of my essence
Replies by extending
A part of me
To the conflict
That needs attention.
My mind rarely watches it
But I know I'm serving
On some level.

I heard your voice
As you playfully
Hopped by
Not even remotely surprised
As I had fealt your energy near
For the past few days
I knew I'd see you somewhere

I looked at her
The girl you were with
She looked just like me
No reference just a coincidence
She even felt like me
As younger version
As she growled the words
"Man *****"

I sighed at you
The way I always do
It's not the right time to tell you
I just smiled at her
Frowned at you
And casually confirmed.
My dear young friend
Lessons on evolution #1:

You have trained yourself
This big indeed to attract a woman
It is widely known that
Women often perfer the alpha male
But consider in to your calculations
That men have evolved to
Protect the mother and the offspring
You do not come off reliable
When it is widely known
That you are in fact a man *****.

Evolutionary trait #2:
Women talk
The rootcause for this
Is the safety and quality of
Indeed the offspring.
If you display undesired behavior
You're in danger of never finding a girl.
Because... Women talk.
As nice as I know you are
And as intelligent and kind
That **** doesn't fly with anyone.
Get your **** together.

I've worked through
So much of my pain
Life's still not that
Of an undamaged girl
But I'm going back in time
Working my **** out

I look up and feel the sun, knowing that my wary lungs could've run empty and stopped my withered heart from beating a long time ago. I take a deep breath and acknowledge the presence of the Divine that dwells within me

Wide smiles
Joy in my eyes
I will never stop lauging
My obnoxiously loud laugh
I will never stop
Pranking my dearest ones
I will never stop
Challenging the living **** out of you

I know myself better now
I'm out of my wild years
On my way to bigger and crazier
I know my type
I know the kind of man
That can handle me
And I still feel you close
Even if you don't see it yourself

Let love follow it's own course
It will lead me back to you
One fine day
But untill then...
I'm bringing the house down.

"You're a social person
And you do approach men
Yet never enough
For them to know for sure
That they have your favour
You always leave it in the middle
You do make known
Who you like the most
But never exactly how much
Are you just friends
Do you need more time
Are you looking for proof
What does a man have to do?"

In a flash I feel it again
A set of gentle hands
On my hips
As I danced the night away
And I hear it again
A firm "no"
Yet he did nothing wrong
That was not my finest hour
I wonder if he gathered
All his courage to do that.
sorry, it's really not you

And then it came to me
The mindset:
It never works out anyway
The result of being rediculed
In your first relationship.
Well done ex, well done.

law of karma: energy will repeat itself untill we learn our lesson

I had never been afraid of you before
You were tall and strong
You had always been good to us
But the events of that summer
That were in no way your fault
Had left deep marks within me
I had now come to fear
The man who so willingly
Took care of us
Out of love for my mother
You were 2m10
The sight of you drove me on edge

And then playfully you snuk up on me
Grabbed me and roared
I had never been spooked before
I cried out of the depths on my heart
Fragile as I was,
I lost my trust in you entirely
It was in no way your fault
I barricaded myself in
Registered each scent
So I'd always know
Who is behind me
And even now
I could pick out anyone
Just by scent.

In a flash your face changed in to someone else, who I had come to resent

PTSD is a *****.

The similarities keep piling up.
He was about your size
The scent still haunts me
But what the hell
It really wasn't that bad!
I guess his actions
Spooked me too
And I lost my trust entirely
It was never his fault
My reptile brain screams
While pointing at him
Incriminating him of things
He has never done.

It all makes sense now.
I always knew it was me
Not him
I just didn't know how.
Willingly I clear him of all charges
It was just a game
And I didn't win
And that's ok.
I was never a sore loser
Just in flight
Of the monsters roaming wild
Inside of me.

please forgive me for doing all the things you never understood. Please know that neither did I. With a warm smile, I sent this out to your soul. It was never your fault. I knew it then too, I just couldn't figure it out

Dear Ebony,

I've watched you struggle
I've heard your frustration
And girl I get it
But let me tell you this

**** "Becky with the good hair"
Let your natural beauty
Come forth as it is
For it is truly
One of natures marvels
Wear your hair
The way you want it
But never forget
That you don't have to do anything
To enhance yourself
You're exquisite the way you are.
Don't worry about them lips
They're a jewel
On your royal features
Don't worry about the trousers
If they don't fit
Your beautifully curvatious body
The trousers are no match to you.
And **** the system
Wear that afro
And rock your the **** out
Of your flawless genes.

You're amazing,
Love,
The white girl

I lay in the deepest meditation
Conversing calmly
With the sweetest fraction of creation
The product of my imagination
Your scent lingers here
I have no attachment
To your physcal state

"Will it hurt"

"At first but you'll get used to it fast"

"How do you know"

"Because I know you"

Electricity ignited within my gut
And travelled to my heart
In all colors of the rainbow
I knew it must've been true
On some level.

It's nice here after all
This bumfuck town
Think I'll miss it
When I finally move
Back to the city
This summer
There's space here
Like there used to be
In my home town
Up north
Summers are pure and green
I think I'll miss it
Maybe I was never a city girl after all.

I was just a little girl
About 5 years old
As you made your second attempt
On my persona
Pushed me on to the table
And forcefully started
Removing my clothes

It had not been enough
That I had no compassion
Zero empathy
For what you claimed
To be sorrow over loneliness
go play with your own friends

Bet you had none.

The understanding came to me
In a split second
As I saw the blue light
Within the depths of my heart
Growing larger
Gathering power

I knew now
That I was not
To plead
To beg
To ask
But to demand
Like grown-ups demand

stop

The command left my lips
With the intensity of the Source
Compressed in to my lungs
Tears came to your eyes
I approached your sobbing body
And you ran
Like cowards run
Never having layed a hand on you
The blue flame saved me

And left me with no memory

The flowers are in bloom
In this majestic tree
That must have stood here
For decades
It still produces
After all these years

The dandelions gather strength
From the sun and the summer rain
The grass is greener on this side
The bushes that are to bear fruit
Pull their energy from the soil
Tirelessly filling our lungs
With clean air

The sunset is beyond compare
Painting the sky
In all variations of orange and pink
The silence of the approaching dawn
Is only suggested
By the grace of the setting sun

On the bench in this garden
Sat Death casually
Smoking a ***
With a distracted frown on his face
Waving away the passing butterfly
Coughing from the depth
Of his lungs
And spitting out the slimes.

There's a deep shock
In your eyes
As I speak my mind
Relay my most painfull memories
Like it's a movie
And happened to someone else

There are details
And concepts
Within each story
That drive you on edge
You are in touch
With the fact that
It happened to me, your sister
But I'm not

I speak as though
I'm giving you
The plot summary
Of a horror story
That happens to be my life
The scream leaves your lips
"How are you so normal?"

*the mind is a powerfull entity

There's dirt on me
The bruises you left on me
Will not come off
The cocoa you made
Somehow always tasted different
how did your mum run out of sleeping pills
Much did I know
That **** ended up in my cup
The stinging headaches
Presistant stomachaches for weeks
My hairline hurts
There are black bruises on you
even while high as a *******,
I still fought back
Your fingerprints in blue of my throat
Never blue enough to really notice anything wrong
Insomnia when you weren't there
it's three AM again
The images flash by
Calmly I observe the memories
While my body shuts down
Coldsweat, nothing's real
I know what's happening to me
A new wave of recollections
Of the sickest kind
The tears run down
If only I knew why
Where did the blood come from
There's a cut in my skin
That wasn't there yesterday
Get the scent of ****** off my hair
The ***** off your sheets
Calmly you ignored my amazement
Knowing I remembered nothing
Of what you did to me last night.

I burned my fingers
On you
But more than that
On how much I trusted you

Hell it wasn't just the fingers
It was fingers all the way
To my elbows
And my bare feet
All the way to my knees

Such was my trust in you
And in my own estimation
Of who you are.
There's never just one to blame
It's always the two

I guess I trew myself at you
And that's fine
But it would take forever
For me to do it again
With full confindence
That you'd catch me.

What's your type?
I question I never understood
I've turned down
Perfectly eligable bachelors
I've taken up a second date
With unbelievable fools
They were all different
The fools lost strength
Over time and space
The bachelors kept coming around
But I kept my head
I have no type
Whether it's good or bad
I still just go with my gut

But then one day
Like a thunderstorm
From the blue
I heard the words
*She? She wants a man she can respect

Why are you always alone?
The prevailing question
Since I was a little girl
Well it's not to prag
But I quite enjoy
My own company
Rarely miss people
Not because I don't care
But because it feels right
That they're not always there
That there would be times
When I didn't see them
Even the closest of friends
But then there are a few
Who I miss continuesly

So then is missing another
Just the sign
That there's something
Left to be said?

I sat in the bus
Watching the scenery pass my by
There was a whisper
In my ear, in my head
In my crown, in my very being

perhaps we should talk

Willingly I allowed
The images to appear
Before my eyes
In my mind
In the tangles in my brain

I watched a girl
Come at me
Fury in her eyes
She was smaller than me
Weaker than me
She raised her hand
I neatly folded it behind her
"Have some self-respect"

why did you do that?

She's fighting over a man
Regardless of who won
This is pointless
This is below me

what would you tell her

There's no point
Fighting over a guy
There's no reason
For us to argue
I have no issues with her

look at her closer

She came at me all over again
But this time
She changed
Her dark hair grew and turned blond
Her eyes were hit by waves
That showed
In fact they were blue;
She was me.

are you in conflict with yourself

I know the blame's 50/50
I know my endless
Pride, stubborness and honor
I know my negative patterns
And I take the heat for it

were you just playing with him

There was no intention of pain inflicted
I wanted to play
Like children play
To make a smirk appear
On his exquisite features
The lauging wrinkles to come out

did you achieve that?

Thought I did
But my phone went off
***** little snitches
Expected better from you
Bunch of *******
There's a tiny man
Hidden inside that huge presence
Be 208cm all you want
That was below both of us

There's a smile upon my crown
*forgive and you will be forgiven

How momma raised her girls

Buck up girl
Make peace with your sister
Ain't no man
Gonna to take care of you
All you got is each other

Chin up girl
If he playing
You know to learn
What he does
And beat him at his own game

Never settle for
Anything less
Than what a man
Can get
If he can do it
You can do it

Baby girl
Never let anyone tell you
What you should do
As a woman
Unclog your own **** sink
Change your own **** tyre

Pay your own **** bills
And buy your own **** rings
Want a nice dress
Go work
Want those shoes
Walk the miles
That earn them

And I have.
Sure I didn't always
Stand on my own feet
But I got my sisters and my girls
coz all we got is each other*

And sure as hell
Us girls never
Tore each other down
But build each other up
Never competing for a man
If he can't choose
On his own

That's how we kept the peace
That's how we grew strong
And there's love in the ghetto
And some girls
With a back bone
And their game face on.

There was a depth
In your eyes
A dimension undiscovered
I guess that's what I wanted
There was an over exposure
To the depth of your heart
And the cruelty of man
Indeed the man
For I've never seen a woman
Do such a thing
But perhaps it's my expirience only
And perhaps it was not
What you intended
Perhaps there are lessons
To learn as to why
You continue to appear
In the depths of my mind
After all these months
I still have no peace
Not from you
However I have made peace
With not having you
Giving up sends me
In to the deepest end of the pool
Ironically there's nothing
Nothing else to do
Than to give up.
So then what?
Should I believe
In fairy tales?

The whispers never tell me
What to think but rather
Ask me questions
Untill I find the right answer.

*In to the Valley of Death rode the six hundred

Blindly you stare
At a single point in time
As you tell me
With anger in your voice
How many "hot ******* you ******"

Then persue your point
By arguing that
You would not lower
Your standarts after having had me

I'll take the compliment
But be sure to understand
That only the damaged girls
Would take as much crap
As I took from you

The way I hear you
Is that you need a woman
Who does not need you
So you would not have
The responsability
Of making her happy

The demands are indeed low
With such a girl
But be sure to understand
That the less she needs you
The more likely
You are to lose her
If you continue this way

If she doesn't need you
Then indeed she stays
Because she wants to
But you're not as great as you think
If you expect her
To sway to your each demand
And less than flawless business transactions

If you want a girl
Who doesn't need you
Make sure you
First and foremost
Are the man who doesn't need her
But who stays
Because he wants to.

There's a sorrow in your voice
As you struggle to say it again:
there are no girls like you
I patiently explain to you
That you are simply
Not open to receive them

Still don't want to be your girlfriend
Not now, in the future or ever again
I'm sorry for the time you wasted
But you keep coming to me
And I'm not the kind of girl
To leave you alone
When you are breaking down

Just wish you'd stop asking me to be yours
I won't give in to you
There is no point in fooling around
And let's be fair
This was officially the worst ***
Either of us have ever had
It was so bad, it needs a title
The Horrible *** of 2016

But as I'm being fair
I do not enjoy it as much
As I would've otherwise
Because it's not you
I want to sleep with

There's a scent in the air
It's not really here
It's in my head
And as I laugh at your jokes
I see the source of the scent
Casually passing me by
In the distance

I did nothing
The scent would never reach me
And I have peace with that.
Peace with my own problems
And a heart that strongly believes
That if you always run in
To the same problem,
Then the problem is you.

So then I can assume
That I am not your problem,
You are your problem.
And the scent guy is not my problem,
I am my problem.

In my minds eye
I always see you
Holding a girl
In your arms
In a relaxed manner.
I look at it
Not to torture myself
But to accept
That it must be true.
Yet as I look at it
The girl always turns
In to me.

You just needed me
To step down
And let you in
What's the point now
You're face fades away
I still remember your scent
That's all there is
To hold on
There's no way back
And that's ok
But then you could at least
Stop following me
In my dreams.
I get it all now
Why I run off
Too used to holding
A man together
To take time to
Speak my mind
I cave in in the dark
Silence of my own room
Where you can't see it
deep breaths
open my eyes again
Buck up and put your game face on

But ****, I need to be held together too.
With the antics I saw you pull
I knew you didn't have it in you
To help fix me
And that's ok too.

It's not you
It's me
Well actually it's him

It's not me
It's you...
It's him really

It's really the girl
Who won't tie herself down
To the bad nor the good

It's the girl
Who seduces him
And then runs off

The one that says things like
"It all made sense in my head"
Nothing makes sense when you're not here

I know you can sustain me
But I don't want your money
Nor the status

I know you think
You need me
But we have only needed each other for one thing:

To learn
Principals and diciplines
That's all it ever was

The boy who took
Nothing from no one
How did we get here
I felt it coming
And charged head first
Why would I gamble
It's all here
All things I needed

All the things
I ever wanted to hear
Fluently leave your lips
You were never unreasonable
And
I get it all now, I read you now
We were so young
Who can blame us

I have your arms around me
And your hands where
They should be
Your lips on mine
And we're so drunk
You do all the things
I needed you to do

And yet I feel nothing
all I can think of
is unbleached cotton
*on acrylic adhesive

All things considered
I can honestly say
That my existance
That is still on going
Is not to be taken for granted

I sat in the bus
As I slowly realised
What the odds were high
That I might no longer be here
That there would be
A gravestone with
My name on it

Not for the things I did to myself
But for the things that were done to me
Despite always fighting back.
I never gave up on myself
On my body
I finally saw my escape route
And took it

All things considered
It's a miracle
That I can gaze
Upon my resume
And say that for my age
I've done exceptionally well
For someone who
Has trouble planning
For future

All things considered
It's a miracle
I still enjoy the touch
Of a man's hands
And that through
A mischevious smile
I can say
"I drive a stick"

All things considered
My heart is exceptionally full
Exceptionally whole
And exceptionally loving
And even though my mind
Sometimes throws in
The towel and pulls the plug
It's exceptionally strong

Some would say
I grew stronger
And they surely must have
But the way I see it
I would rather say
abscence of Divine Presence is impossible

For all the times
I took refuge in Light
As the dark swallowed me whole
And for all the times
My suffering was removed
By a single prayer
Or a short meditation...

We're not lucky
We're blessed.

The boy who took
Nothing from no one
That was you
It's good seeing you again
You have not changed
I can still read you like
An open book
And you still know
Everything about me

I never regretted breaking up
And by the looks of it
Neither did you
It's good to sit beside you
It's like we never lost touch
But it's been 6 years
Since word reached you
That I was dating someone else
Gently I correct your
Negative mindset

"I want you to meet this band"
Silently I wonder why
But maybe you just need a boost
Just like back in the day
When you did the impossible
Everyone loved you
For the risk you took
And still made profit.
It was a ******* miracle

Perhaps you search
That same engine
I provided then
The boost I threw at you
To get you going
And I'd willingly
Engine anything you got
Never trusted anyone's
Gut feeling like I trust yours

I still got the party flag somewhere
And the Enzo booster flag
And I'm still your friend
And wing woman
I think it's time we get you
A new girlfriend
But don't try to fix me up
With one of your friends.
They're all idiots.

The tie is in
There are several ferries
Standing still here
I think of grandpa
And how much
He would've loved this

I think of all
The sunny after noons
I sat here with Esther
Before she got cancer
At the age of 17
Survived it, she did
But she never laughed
Like she used to

The platform is up
As tie comes in
The water covers
The words spelled out
Across the stream
At low tie, it would say
"Love"

Here we sat
And cried our
Youthfull tears away
Boys are still mean
But we're better equipped
And they're smarter too
Somewhat kinder
And we're milder

A smile of understanding
Appears as I watch
Flandria1 struggling
As the boy tries
to dock it here
It's not that easy
To move a vessel

A black bag floats by
And I wonder
What will it learn
Where is it's destination
And silently hope
That the city will scoop
It all out...

Count down time
For the house warming at my sister's...
My brother flew over to surprise her
And then flew over our cousin
To surprise all of us

We inhaled the helium from
The decorative balloons
I did mine and got stuck
In what my family calls
"Lily's giggling-loop"

I tried my first cigar with ***
Then told my relatives
They were lame.
I challenged my brother
To **** as loud as I burp
He surrendered on the spot

We heard the testimonial
From an old school friend:
You girls always look angry...
Unless you're with family...
Then you're all ***** and giggles

I held my brother close
And told him
He was full of ****
Then hugged our cousin
And gave him an eskimo kiss

I drank two glasses of water
Like they told me to
And I swear to God
If I have a hang over tomorrow
So do they...

Wish I could explain it to myself
You sure as hell haven't.
Wish I could argue both cases.
Wish I could find the middle way
But where your face
Appears in my dreams
As I sleep over day
And most of the night,
It is always followed
By more question marks.
Wish I could let it all go.
But your hands appear
On my body
As soon as I close my eyes.

I stood in the bookstore
Thinking about how
He touched my soul
I look over and see
Someone else

I stared for a while
And left the choice to you
My highschool friend
Former best friend
The boy who got so lost

You walked over to me
And you weren't upset
With how we parted
Instant connection
As it has always been

Life is meant
For rambling conversations
We talked about everything
And how you still
Have my contact information
Is beyond me

Nothing's changed
I told you to play your guitar
From the depths of your soul
I saw your eyebrows
Return to their youthfull constant

"Do you think I'm going to say no to what you ask of me?"

"Is that a serious question"

You've never said no to me
And how you manage
To always agree
Surprises me each time

I smiled at you
Nothing's changed
Except that we understand
Each other better
Than ever before
Not because you do
What I ask of you
But I guess
something else just clicked.

I sat at the workshop
Two hours on scanners
And milling
I've been through
The theory before
All this new technology
Is a touch of someone's genious

I felt the brush in my hand
And the gentle caress
As it touched the surface
I felt the craft in my fingers
And the joy in my gut
The technique...

I looked over at her
Known her since highschool
Another lost cause
There's a technician
Inside her too
So then what happened?

We follow the same course
She's my best friend
My colleague
And school friend
We did everything
Around each other
She was a good technician
And I, I know I was too

A representative included my name
In the list of promissing technicians.

Then what am I doing?

Granted I have nothing to regret
My current job will get me closer
But why the detour?
Then I saw it
As I looked over
To one of my teachers
Who had showed up
For the same course

If you never build up
Your students
To believe that they can
They can indeed
Achieve anything
Then you will see
How they get lost
And hopefully found

That's how you lose a talent
By telling people
That whatever they do
It will never be good enough
You do not raise fighters
Because to fight
You need to believe that
The cause is just

You need to believe
That you can win.
We were never taught that way.
That's how you lose a talent.
And maybe the trick is
In the balance
Of giving balanced critisism
To point out the flaw
And to say
"You'll get the hang of it"

I stood by him
My safe zone
No need to approach
I'm surrounded by
A bunch of hairy *******
My bearded friends
Just needed a hug
From someone who cared
Even with years in between
He's still the same
But he's seen me
Come and go as I please
And yet, in the middle
Of all the jokes
And all the fun
The song of Alt-J
Plays in my head
And I see your smile.
Why is it me
You've chosen to follow?

I went to the wake
For dear passed Olaf
cheers buddy
I lost the filter on my mouth
Within 30 minutes
And it was like
I was myself again
I've never been proper
No need to pretend here

I finally spoke with her
The girl with whom I share an ex
And we avoided the subject
It was like a silent agreement
She was so much nicer
Than I thought!
She roared from laughter
As I swiftly rejected
The poor candidate...
Women are cruel

I walked to South Antwerp
Only to recognize
In-And-Out-Of-Jail-Joessef
I did not see your face
I just knew
But you know, we don't have to
Be friends or anything...
Carry on.

I drunk dialed my sister
Who then drove me
To party in a bumfuck town
And it was kind of fun
stop looking, it isn't going to happen
no matter how much you went to my highschool

But the beer was cheap
And the company was good
I'm starting to like this
Single girl deal
come and go as I please
Life's good.

I woke up with a heavy heart
Nothing made sense
All the visions
Between sleep and awake
Melted in to each other

I stood up
Slightly out of balance
Thinking that I'm just drowsy
But then my vision blurred
And I stumpled on to the couch
"I'm working, be quiet"
I heard her say
Inbetween the flashbacks

The flashbacks of you beating me
you will bend to my will
Words of deep resistance
Left my lips
As I curled up
You proceeded to violating me
And I screamed that one day
You'd wake up
Standing next to your body

This made you retreat each time
You cried in the corner
And I woke up
With no memory
Of what you did to me...

Deeply greatful
For the peace that I've found
I recover from this panic attack
And face another day
Where the future
Looks bright
And you're but a distant memory
I've found peace
And you're still sick.

I can handle my PTSD
And everything you did to me
There are no marks
And I've won over you
Once more.