"It's nice what they did with the front page"
He said and handed me today's paper.
I opened it by my desk at the office...
The cover spoke of a strike by the Union of Independent Pilots
In the Transdimensional Tunnel
Between Earth and several exoplanets.
I laughed and felt the glow in my heart.

As I flipped the page
The paper went on about 136years of successful recycling
And the importance of re-using materials
It would seem that we are running out
In the year 2130, even after all our conquests to 60 other planets
Now fully functioning as a part of the Intergalactic economy.

It spoke of intergalactic love
And meeting a beautiful alien on the train
It spoke of tolerance
And a brighter future
Where we progress and learn from our mistakes.
It spoke of our plans succeeding
And a humanity which prevails
A humanity which thrives.

It spoke of survival and joy
It spoke of every day problems
Which we have come to realise,
Are so typically human
It spoke of how clumsy we are
And how adorable we are that way.
It spoke of acceptance of who we are as a race
And how much we have to offer.
It might aswell have said
*I believe in humanity

I've watched life unfold
In this past month
I left my job the same way
I arrived to it
Like a thunderstorm
And I didn't regret it for a second

The questions are on replay in my head
What if I can't find a job?
What if I lose my apartment?
What if Iose everything?
I watched a friend
In the same situation
Her jaws clunching from pain.

Wish I could help
What if I could help?
Her pain radiated through me
And my tension levels rise
I check my account
Call off all the dentists
Tell her what to say
In order to get her way
They wouldn't do it
She cried. She never cries.

Well **** this if I can't even fix her!
I thought to myself
As I buried my face in my hands.

But then it all fell in to place
Like the Whisperers said it would.
Two job offers, starting on Monday
I'm saved!
I gave her the money
this is what you say to get your way
It all worked out.
Her pain stopped...

My relief spread through me rapidly
And I sighed my pain away.
All in one day
Sometimes life smiles at you
And what a beautiful smile it is.
And in that moment I noticed you...

The boy with dark eyes
Professor in engeneering.
I could do worse
I think to myself
As I check out your ***.
"You were right" I smiled
"That's more than I got out of my exes"

Oh I see. We've arrived at the ladder of comparaison
I smirk as I put your things in my bag
Because you asked me to hold on to them,
As a subtle indicator
That I'm more than comfortable around you...

"My name is Paul and I lie alot"
Well Pauly, I gotta hand it to you
Even though after all this time
I still don't know
When you're telling the truth,
Still love your poems
Even the ugly ones
Still enjoy your sense of humor
And still wonder how you are
More often than I thought I would.

You always say the right things
Always seem to calm me down
Always consider you a friend
Even when you nag me.
Always smile at the thought of you
Even though you're a **** sometimes.
Not to me though...
To the characters in your poems.
Always hope you're doing well

*and that you're happy

If I told you that I loved you
Would you feel like you had to say it back?
And why would you say it?
Is it the stinging hint of guilt you'd feel,
When you realise, you never thought about me that way?

I'm just a person you know.
Or would you nodd with a smile
And preserve those words
For the moments
When you suddenly feel
That you in fact love me back,
And speak the three word sentence then?

Probably not.
You'd smile and fluently
Return those three words.
I would mean what I say
And you'd return hollow words
To ease my discomfort
Of the truth
That it hadn't even occurred to you.

You might shrud your sholders
And think to yourself
That perhaps, I'm only saying that,
To confirm, that I deserve love.
And you might be right
But then why do you
Feed my need for confirmation?

I guess in the end of the day
All we need to do
To preserve ourselves
Is exactly that; preserve ourselves.
Life is not a 5 step plan
And you may not find
The love of your life right away.

But then meanwhile
You can be the love of your own life.
And then when someone special shows up
You'll have all those things
You wanted for yourself and got
To share and to discover.

I can still feel
The emotional marks you left
On my mind, in my brain.
I can see the marks you never left on my body

Nothing I do to you
Will fix that.
Nothing I could do to harm myself
Would fix that
Nothing I do to you will fix that.

So how do I fix myself?

"I can't overpower you"
I would say to a kind man.
"You would never have to!"
He would reply, eyes wide open
nothing there I haven't heard before
I think to myself

The Post-Traumatic brain
Does not wait around.
It is always pro-active.
I could defend myself
Against a smaller man.
But not the giants I feel so drawn to.

The body wants, what the body wants.

I'd be easy bait for him.
Why couldn't it be differently?
To fight
Or to flight?

Or to face the challenge
And trust
That not all men
Who carry guns
Use them to shoot you?

All your siblings died in the war
Just you and your baby sister left.
You crossed oceans
To feed your family
Surviving mother and a little girl
Who would later be diagnosed
With multiple sclerosis

What kind of father you must've been
Women always let you down
Wouldn't walk your own daughter
Down the isle
It wasn't proper, pregnant and all
That boy is no good anyway.

That boy is my father
And for all intents and purposes
You were right
"She never told me what he did to her"
Yeah I know, I wouldn't have
Told my father either.

Still haven't told my father
And I don't think I'll bother anyway.
But no matter how torn
My relationship is to my father
And how many times he let us down
In all aspects,
I still hear your voice,
I still remember your scent
I still know your laugh

Grandfather said
Don't fight with your sisters
I'm old, I won't be here
To look after you for long.
My heart's giving up
All you have is each other,
Take care of one another.

You said that after all the money
Is spend and gone
Don't count on an inheritance
Your father's companies are sold or bank rubbed.
There's nothing left for you.
You may never be rich
But you'll always be intelligent.

We sat together you and me
You smelled like the pipe
And I wore my pink summer dress
You asked me questions
Taught me wisdoms
You made a philosopher out of me.
Let that be my inheritance from you.

He never hit me
She said and we believed it
Okay, that's fine
Relief and gratitude
It wasn't that bad...

Am I going crazy?
I remember the arguements...
And the black eye...
I remember them fighting
And the red marks on her cheeks

"My baby girl won't talk to me"
"Mom that's not your fault"
"I protected her
He was trying to hit her
She was just a child.
She went to hide under the chair"*

Speaking of the places we used to hide
The closet, under the table, behind the couch,...
Stop yelling
He came home drunk
And I went to sit on his lap
He pushed me on the floor.

She never snitched on him...
Her lips sealed tight
She never said a word...

Maybe it's not so bad
If they just break up now
It's been ages and she is unhappy.
Yet somehow I feel like
Her problem isn't her relationship.
She is creating this within herself
God knows I've been there
That the first *** after a long relationship
Really does your body good
But after a few you just need to admit
That it isn't taking you anywhere...

But then she said it...

sometimes you just need to **** each other up until you learn to respect each other and then try again

Yeah. Maybe that's been the point all along.

I could swear I put them in my bag
The cigarettes, filthy habit.
No can do and she's getting on my last nerve.
The sister, who's singing on street...
God I wish she stopped doing that.

Well **** it, I'm not encouraging this.
I turned to leave, night shop it is.
As I walked down the road
A boy walked to my direction
He was well build
Traditionally handsome
He was kicking his football as he went.

I watched his feet work
He nudged the ball my direction
It rolled right on to my feet.
I quickly stepped over it
And he smiled at my surprise.
Actually it was more like a smirk.
Almost like he was challenging me.

kick it back

I laughed and kept walking
How come that I don't respond
When a guy does the exact thing
I would've done.
Play around as a means to court another.
It was an excellent flirt
But I guess I'm not equipped that way anymore...

Taxi-light.

It hit me almost like a car would
But a lot more softly.
I was walking down the street
To the ump-teenth job interview
As I noticed where I was standing.

I was on the other side of the street
Of where you intercepted me
About 6 years ago.
Vaguely I remembered
Having played around with you
We worked hard, we gamed hard.

"Where do I put this pallet?"
"Just there, in front of the computer"
I raised my eyebrows
and pushed the pallet
Right up against the computer.
"Here?"
"Yeah"

I smirked at you and released the switch
As to leave the pallet right up against the computer
"No! I meant with a gap so I can still work"
"I know what you meant!"
I turned on my tracks and ran off laughing.

It was high season
You could not have gotten your hands
On a transpallet with the best will of the world.
"Woman, I'm going to get you for this!"
Put your game face on sweetpants

You started driving me home
I was nervous and you could tell.
I waited for you that night
But you never came out
So I took the bus home.
okay maybe he's done playing
I thought to myself
As I crossed the road.

A blue Volkswagen Golf
Stopped on the crossway
It was green for me
What's your problem dude?
The lights turned on inside
It was you
"You need a ride?"
"I thought you went home"
"No but I chased the bus until here so I could drive you home from here on"

Thanks for getting my point
Thanks for all the years after
Thanks for your current commitment
Even though we broke up.
And thank you for always getting the message,
Even though you never listened.

Thank you for all the years you gave me
As a result of a game we used to play at work.
I love you, like good friends love each other.
With the same loyalty and commitment.
You haven't lost anything
It just changed.

In how many cases
Have you wondered
If that girl you want to ****
Is going to solve your insecurity
In how many cases
Have thought
That if you can nail this guy
It will make all you problems go away

You descend in to the belief
That love solves all problems
And I guess that would be true
To some extend
Because love is just that powerfull
But then I ask you
If at the end of the day
When you've conquered your conquest
Do you feel better now?

Or does the negativity
Just creep up on you again
This time in the form of
I still don't feel better
Or
I wonder is she is going to call me back

So was that the answer
Or was it just a shot term solution
For a bigger problem?
You can ride all the ***** you can catch
And **** all the ******* you can get your hands on
But in the end of the day
You'll still feel that same void
That can only be filled with what you, yourself decide to put in it.

I guess it's just like the Buddha said:
Who in this universe deserves your love and affection, if not you?

Scrolling through all the pictures
We took of ourselves
All up to no good
What kind other shenanigans
Could we still have gotten
Ourselves in?

For each insult
We had a laugh
For each injustice
We had a sarcastic remark
The memories flow through me
The pain inflicted upon us
And all the tears that flowed
As a result of chaos.

We broke rules and vows
The vows friends make
We broke each other's hearts
And we broke mindsets
Only to glue them back together
In the right order this time.

But beneath this all
There was something deeply personal and unrelated...

I trew a rock and an insult
Through the glass
That protected your ivory tower
I hated you for all the wrong reasons
And barricated myself in
For all the right reasons

But then when I lost
The will and the strength
To go through all the details again
The continuous rambling that goes through my brain
I found myself disarmed
In the fact that when it comes down to it

I just got my heart broken
And threw in my own windows
In the process of it all
Because I couldn't break any more of yours
The screams of pain
And the tears of sorrow
Have emerged from beneath the anger
And I have nothing left
To arm myself with against you.

If it handn't been for you
I would've never stood here
With all these women
Competing to find
The strongest Highlander
I doubt anyone here
Is an actual Highlander

The one with the temper
She's from Spain
The ultimate butch
Is an Algarian *******
Finland and Poland
Are represented
And you, we may never find out
Who gave life
To your exquisite existance

But as I sat down under the pear tree
With you "dominant girls"
I hear a soft whisper
I wish I could reach up and give you one
I smiled and whipered back
so do it

And sure enough
As we spoke beneath
The tallest pear tree
One fell down
And hit you on the sholder
We roared from laughter

I said grace
To the voices
For restoring my faith
In that one voice
Who always echoes
In the depths of my heart
The one who has always been
Out of reach and out of touch
And it's fine
Because he's here anyway.

It all felt beneath me
For a few hours
How did I become
This very person
Who I never believed
I'd be able to be?  

Like things that
Didn't match a certain level
Were not good enough for me
think long term
I whispered to myself
Then I saw it all happen again

The girl with a well established
Self-esteem and self-value
Run down to the ground
Only to rise up
Roaring like a lion
Tearing down obstacles
Left and right.

I tasted the greener grass
And it left a bitter taste in my mouth.
What if I was there
For no other reason
Than to learn self-respect.
Self-love...

For one can only define me
As I allow myself to be defined.
I have not failed
On an epic scale
I've conquered on an epic scale
And I rose above myself
And what I thought I needed.
It just wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

And so maybe it's time
To go back home
And rebuild these walls
I once caressed with gratitude
And acknoweldge
That they have always served me well
And they have always been
More than good enough

Like myself,
They've always been perfect.
For who will judge my life
In the end of the day
When the sun sets
On my withered body
As I lay myself
To my final resting place?
Surely it will be me and no one else.

All of this came back together
With the humble presence
Of the most precious friend
I have ever held close.
You smiled and grabbed the hand
Of your girl.
In that moment
I remembered all that was dear to me
And all I have ever been:

The girl who likes to walk bare foot
With a heart that longs
For peace and all that is
Sacred and sweet in this world.

It's been years
Since I lived
As much
As I've lived
In these few days
I have never felt
Such a release
Of pure force
As I did
Flipping over
A tracktor tyre
At the Highland Games
With you.
Included in the strongest team
And the nicknames
Keep pouring in.
I haven't received
Such a gift
From anyone
For a very long time.
And the ideas
Just keep piling up.
So then how
Can you claim
To not have your life
Figured out
While you
So effortlessly
Arrange mine
To make me
Happier and healthier?

I've been here everyday for a week
are you coming over
"Yeah"
It's like leaving home
To come home again.
It's never been far
And you're always in some kind of legal trouble.
Mohammed is in jail again.
Story of his life
And I'm sitting here across you
Next to your girl
She's really nice too
Once again, the same old shelter cat.
I'm tired of looking for a decend job.
But as I sit here across from you
There's a safety within me
That everything's going to be ok
I'll never go without
Because everything I have
Has always belonged to you, yours and mine.
And you would've given me
The shirt off your back
And did many times.
Someday I hope to bring you and yours
To a safe place, where you never have to worry again.
Not about money or your safety.
Just like you to for me, time and time again.

you should not have done that*

Story of my life
You call me reckless
For having defied that very person
Who comes from a high place
With powerfull friends,
For having defied that one person
Who robbs you and all of us
Off our basic human rights.
How long did it take you
Before you took one for the team
That's all I've done
And I get "reckless" thrown at my face?
It's all fine when someone takes a stand for you
But you're too scared to take a stand for another?
All I ever asked, was for you to respect that fact
That I made justice be served
While you just sat there and took it.
Who's reckless in long term?
You who never stand up for yourself
And get deeper in to depression
As time goes by
Or me who never takes anything from anyone.
While I do admit that there are better ways
To give certain messages,
I wholeheartedly disagree
With you bashing me behind my back
For having protected your rights.
Who's the ******* here?

I sat there in rapid conversations
With you as I came to realise
That I'd trust you with my life
Like many would've trusted me
With theirs.
A sting of guilt scratches
The surface of my heart
And the hypothetical question appears

what happens to you when you trust someone with your life

You feel safe?

so then would you feel braver to do as you please

I understood where the sting came from.
It's all fine and dandy to give the compliment of trust,
But then be sure to honor that protector
By staying out of trouble.

Can you honestly say
That you have felt this way before?
I asked myself
As I sat at the dinner table
With a befriended couple.
A vague recognition
Gently vibrated in my heart.
These are just some old friends.
And I feel like I'm 5 years old
And like this is a functional family.
Realizing that that's the one thing
I never had.

It was in the messages
That we sent back and forth.
It was in your immediat
Adoption in to our family.
It was in the fact that
11 years later, we both
Still remember each other's phone numbers by heart.
And somehow they're still the same.
It was in how you judged me
Yet always hovered around me
As to protect me.
You've always been a true sister to me.
It was in how we differed in our preferences.
She's always loved girl's
And I drive a stick.
It was in how you always went
For everything dangerous and illegal
And I rested assured with
Minor mischief and situation humor.
My beloved cell mate for life.
Always in the same boat
And never out of sight
Never out of heart
Never out of mind.
Always in the deepest connection
To everything that defines me
And makes me seperate of you.
Yet we have always been One.

You're just a ****** cube.
The Rubick's Cube.
I remember the frustration
That flowed through my fingers
As I tried to solve it as a child.

He explains the method
And repeats the things
The dry mechanics,
I already figured out.
The teachings fall in to place...

The center never moves
Just like in life
The fundation never moves
If one wants to change their lives
One must lose their attachment
To how things look
In their various stages of evolution.

Just like with this ******* cube.

You can't get it right
Without rearranging everything else.
You can't solve the upper layers
Without changing the lowest layer.

And you will never solve it
If you get angry.
It is not your reasoning that lacks
It is your negative emotions
That hinder you from thinking straight.

there's no logic in this!
She roars from frustration
I laugh and tell her
*if there was no logic, the blocks would not be attached to each other

You never touched me
Yet I can feel you close by
As strongly as if
You had done it many times before.
The past life regression
Takes me down the path
Of 17 challenging lifetimes
In which you were
The apple of my eye
In all your forms and tempers
Now I know we messed up
As I listen to your trembling voice
In the other side of the phone
I met you 3 years ago
Yet it's the first time I hear it
Your voice, low and hollow
As that of a man
Who has been torn and battered
And grew stronger in the wrong way.
Yet it is firm when you say

I never stopped looking at you. I just couldn't take it anymore

The pull was just as strong on this side of the ocean.
Now it will never work out
The way we imagined
And it doesn't have to.
We have always been stronger
Together than we ever were apart.
Know that I don't blame you
I say to you in the softest tone
A sigh of releaf
I know what I did
That's all I needed to know.
I've walked in your shoes
They fit me just fine.
But I hope you felt all the blisters
As you walked in mine.
I know we'll always pull through
I smile as all the Messages
Fall in their rightfull place.
I was never lied to
Not in the spiritual realms
You've fixed what you broke
I'm more whole now
Than how you've ever known me.

I'd kiss the palm of your broken hands
But that would mess you up ever more.
When you're ready, I'll be there
And you'll always be right here
In my heart.
Just not in the way we imagined.

You sat here hours ago
I watched him kiss you
With love and affection
True passion
Like a boy who
Is really trying to impress you.
You giggeled and twitched
I smoked my cigarette
He held you in his arms
You screamed as he spun you around
Showing off his strength.
Cuz he's the man!
You swore in between the giggles
kurwa
I'm just standing here
smoking away
Watching you play
Like young couples play
ugh you kids are disgusting
I muttered with a smile on my face
you made my day
Still here *** you can't go home
And too in love to part already.

The crowd goes wild
The boys give it their all
Everyone knows the lyrics
You stand back stage
And evaluate the show
"Where do we go next"
Always one step ahead.
You've toured all over the world.
The girls flash their *****
They're eating from
The palm of your hand.
She walks up to me
Do I know him?
She asks, eyes wide open.

"Yeah dude, that's Kurt. He ate dirt last weekend"

I knew I still had
All your letters
All the train tickets
All the e-mails and
Your baby picture.
The stuffed animals
And the t-shirts you gave me.

But there were so many
Beautifull things
Within the storage box
That contained them.
There were pictures
Of my childhood
The swimming club membership
All the attendace cards
And key chains
The metallica back pach.
And my grandfather's dentures.

Inbetween all the smiles
There was the odd sting.
I think of all the phases
I went through
All the friends and lovers
All the long forgotten parties
Still living inside this box.
Times have changed.
Yet as I lay my head
To rest on your chest
Like we used to,
You say

You haven't changed at bit. Not even a little

Maybe we never change.
Maybe what we think changes.

What is this?
The musician invasion?
I wonder as you ramble
On and on
Both tearing yourself down
And pulling yourself up.
I just need to fix up
Your ****** resume
So you can get a job.
A haircut wouldn't be bad either.

We go through all your options
I refer to my brother in law.
Once a hungry musician like you.
"You know he plays for Angels of Petrus"
Your eyes jump out of their sockets.
"...and he told me that most of them work remotely, like the guys from Korpus"
There's admiration in your eyes.

And yet after I ditched you
And got on the bus
30minutes later
I see a dude wearing a shirt
That spells out the name
Of your band.
I roll my eyes a chuckle.
Here you sit in awe of me
Knowing the guys
Who's music you admire.
Yet have no clue who you are to your fans.
Humility has it's limits.

"Would you love me, if I was anything less, than what I am?"

I wondered while I quietly
Admitted to myself
That I do in fact love you.
I love how we fight
I love how me make love.
I love your hands on me
And your casual caress.

I may have not been
In touch with that fact
For a long time
And for all these years
But it would seems
That indeed there's no place like home.

And it would seem indeed
That home was always with you.
I saw the pain in your eyes
And I knew you were talking about me
When you said:

"You don't know what it's like, when the girl you love, doesn't want you but continues to exist and you just wish you could see her"*

No I don't.
I walk out on people in a second
So they wouldn't walk out on me.
Kind of how you walked out on me
And made me wait
Just sit on my hands and wait.
Always knowing
You took that for granted
Fully aware and bitter in the idea
That you could never fix that.
But maybe you're fixing it now.
6 years later.

nobody does it like you

Is it strange
To have all the women
You could ever dream of?
I know where you're at
You have no lack
Of playfull girls

But maybe it's just
That I was there
When you had nothing
Just a poor student.
And would be
If that were still true
With no care for your social status
Or account balance.

Before you spend your life
Going from hotel to hotel
Festival to concert
From Barcelona to Brazil
Before love became scary
And women became
Something to be cautious of.

Before we could google you
And find one flattering
Article after another
Of how you're the man
The young promising talent
A manager and agent
On the rise
With no prior expirience.

But the truth is
That we sat there together
Scared shitless
Fearing for poor attendance
And bad reviews.
That we excused you
To continue the tour.
Leave the rest to us.

I'll still be here if you crash and burn to put you back together and sort you out

You called me out
On never getting in touch
I'm sorry, I'm just busy.
But I came to see you anyway
It all started at a park
Surrounded by like-minded people
A metal fest

You sat with me on a bench
For hours just speaking
A headache from laughing too much.
You've always been funny.
You took me along
To meet "the band"
The boys who's business you manage.

I followed you the their place
An apartment of young artists
There were paintings on the wall
Products of the most exquisite
Young minds and skilled hands.
They speak of it
Like it's nothing...

There are guitar solos
Of the most wonderous talent
Playing in the distance
As I scratch your back gently
And feel you caressing my body.
I know you felt
My ultimate satisfaction.

But it's never been
Just physical between us.
It's always been about
The connection of our minds.
Thank you for the bresh breeze
You always blow in to my life.
Rock'n'Roll lives within you
In abundance.

What if what is being asked of you
Is too much for you to handle?
Should I just sit here and watch you
Break down that girl
Who contains all
The love and the blessings
That were bestowed upon her
As her rightfull heritage?

Is it love to sustain
Bad behavior simply because
It reliefs us in short term?
Or is it love to teach you
That abuse is only there
As long as you allow it?

It does not mean
That I will ask her to get even.
It means that I will empower her
To stop taking in
That which no longer grows her.
Look for better solutions.
For if it works for you
Then it is true to some extend.

Karma can never manifest
Untill you speak up
And say that it was never meant
To go that way.
The pain will not stop
As long as you
Make excuses for bad behavior.

The connection lies
Within the fact that
If she excuses a mistake
That has not been rectified
By the universal laws at play,
Then she is not speaking up
Against it and agrees to some extend.
For if it works for you,
It is true to some extend.

Stop allowing it to work.

The patterns were introduced
I followed them
To my best ability
I broke the outer layers
Believing it was the end
I was too obedient
To whatever was asked of me
A soldier to my soul

One after another
The same situations
I was never free
I faced another heart break
This time I faced my fears
Looked it in the eye
And allowed a world
To unravel before my eyes

And it sure is beautiful
Hidden within a black box
Lays a diamond
That can light up the world
When shared with others
For it is well understood
Within my weary heart
*That the one who holds the knowledge
Has the responsability to pass it on

It was in that moment
When I watched you
Enter the room
You held the door open
As I was going out.
There's a kindness in your eyes
A fair and just man.
All of which I see
And deeply appreciate.
But it is truly in the way
You sort me out
Without ever losing your temper.
The way you look me
In my eyes and say "no"
In the calmest manner.
You use my name
To adress me.
It's not in the name
But the way you say it.
That makes me smile
And makes me realize
That I will only be
As impossible as you allow me to be.

Could do a couple things to you
I admire your physique
Age has never hindered me
You could be my father
But I fail to make that connection.

I forgot your cool
Your natural authoroty
The fact that your presence
Has a calming effect on me.
You just allow
My verbal waterfalls.

I know it can't be
And I have peace with that
And as much as I appreciate
You checking me out
It really isn't making
My job easier.

You look past my voice
And the steady low rythme
At which I tend to speak
That always makes people uncomfortable.
And as my voice softened
So did the look in your eyes.

The darkness is treacherous
There's beauty here
All the things
We've gathered around us
Mere reminders
Of when that heart-shaped locket
Was hung around our necks
As a compliment of being loved.

In this we relish too.
The beast sits in the corner
Content that it's dark here.
Content of the care
You've devoted to it.
The love you've bestoved upon it.
You write the letter
To the ones who await for a word from you.
There's a pillow
Where the wood planks
Stand angeled across each other.

We stay calm
We know our limits.
We know how far we can go
Before we awaken the beast.
One loud noise
And it will open it's eyes
And send it's roar
In to the night.

We know it will not harm us
It will only harm itself.
And so each day
We recondition it
To know that a roar
Is just a roar
And not all men
Who carry sticks
Use them to hit you.

*caring for the beast is love and light in it's own right. For all things that were build to protect us, will one day come to hinder us.
"Love melts all blockages and transforms all life"

Once we walked in the sun
Where the fragrant flowers
Were obvious, nothing special
The sun burned our skin
And we streched our wings
God was ever present
And smiling upon us

Yet somehow in the shadows
Of a tree in the country side
A beast grabbed us
How it ever came
To walk among us
Is a peculiarity
A curiosity that swallowed us whole

We lost faith
The Light is a dream for the naive
The beast is the toughest reality
In which we relish
In order to not get dumbstruck
As it devours us
Digging it's claws in to our skin

Stay faced with that reality
We weren't unlucky
We were faced with truth
The Light is just a distant dream
You know, for the naive.
Here the candles burn
In all their medival splendor.

Here rest the heart-shaped lockets
That hide a watch within them
As it numbly ticks away
Counting our time
In the place where
Time over distance
Is merely an expression
Because nothing ever changes here.

But there's Light somewhere
We smile as we think back
Resting assured that it will never come back to us.
It's a distant dream.
You know, for the naive.

But we're no fools.
God saved us once
Yet we've stayed within this abyss
Of the marks that were
Cut in to our skin
Because this is reality.
And it will hit us as we enter the Light.

*but there are hands reaching out to us, never giving up. Not even after we gave up on ourselves. They know the true meaning of "naive". Which is what we are as we sit helplessly in the dark. It's a naivety in it's own right as Light is a reality in it's own right

"You like him"
You looked at me
Eyes wide open
Denied it in all languages
I just snorted at you
We'll see about that

Then it started
Bit by bit
You were angry
Confused and then finally
Gave in to it
I asked if I needed to talk to him
You said
Yes and then no and then yes.

Today you finally made it to him
And I'm overjoyed
I laugh from my heart
I feel like we just won.
The fact is
That you won
In your own life
And I couldn't be happier

If it weren't for the
Quick twist of the knife
In my heart
As I watch your conquest
And realise
That it might never happen to me.
Quietly I make peace with that
And smile as I watch you go.

It was always there
The conflict
If it wasn't at the Kurdish border
It was within the heart of Ankara
Spreading rapidly through the country.
They named the airport
After Atatürk, First Turk.

Bet you would turn in your grave
I still remember your portrait vividly
There was reason and natural authoroty
In the depths of your brown eyes.
We fell asleep under your watchfull gaze
now that's a handsome man

She marked herself as
"safe in Istanbul"
The tension rose within me
And I knew that if anything
Ever happened to you
I'd never get over it
I gritted my teeth and typed
"Why don't you just come home now"

On paper, you are home
But in our hearts
Your home is here

Come home
come home
*come back

The day was suddenly cut in half
Somehow felt like it would.
"You can go home you know"
I shrudded my sholders and went.
As I took a seat in the bus
The whispers came around again.
go to the city
As it presented me
With a shopping list
That included everything
I always forget to buy
And then realise I don't need it that badly.

It agreed with my own reason
So then as I sat in the metro
I was presented with
The least efficiant solution:
Get off on the next stop
Who am I to argue?
hold your head high my child
You are making no sense
But sure...
And you know what?

I run in to you boys
More often than anyone
I've ever known.
Not even remotely surprised
I was being ignored
Nor was I in the slightest
Bothered by the girl
Who walked beside you
And glared at me for looking at you.
Who casually ignored my existance.

I don't really care much
About any of that
But for once it would be great
If you whisperers would stop
Leading me to these people.

The answer comes
In a form of a firm
*no

Normal
That's what you are before it happens.
Death is an abstract concept.
You may have thought about it.
You may have feared it.
But you never think
"Today I could die"

You never thought
Someone would violate
Your integrity
It was just an abstract concept.
You have thought about it
But never really felt it
You never thought
"Today someone might violate me"

But then it happens
I remembered nothing
There was an euphoria
Within me, like all was well
And a contradiction
Tells you to watch you step
hypervigilance

You make peace with death
You smile at it
if you have to have me, please be kind
You don't want it to hurt
So you learn to fight
And you learn to flight.
It's a brave new world

Things that nobody else
Sees as a problem
Send a panic through your gut
And you know it's not a big deal
but what if it is
what if it happens again
There's a new set of rules
As the adrenaline
Creates new pathways in your brain.
There's now a new set of rules
For what should be considered dangerous.

how is she better than I
Loosely translates to
how am I better than her*

The truth is
That all is fair
In love and war.
So if they love you
Let the past be
What it is.
What we need now
May not be
What we needed in the past
It may not even be
What we will need in the future
It is merely
What we need in this moment.
And it is always perfect
Other wise we would not
Have chosen for it.
Unless we stopped thinking
With our hearts
And chose to think
With our minds
It's a list of pros and cons
And when has that
Ever been a solution
In matters of the heart.

People always asked us
Why do you girls
Always look angry
Sorry it's our resting ***** face.
But perhaps it was
More the fact
That we took nothing
From no one.

A few saw through it
And became friends for life.
But there was also you
The boy from my class
From elementary school.
Ran in to you periodically
On the school yard
In high school

You hugged me
You always hugged me
We never talked much
We weren't close
But you hugged me
From your heart
And so one day
I asked you why.

And you smiled
And reminded me
That when everyone
Picked on you
For having warts on your nose
I sat by your side
And told you
You weren't disgusting.

I forgot about it
But you learned deep compassion
And quietly returned it to me
When I needed it the most.
*thank you

There I stood
About to join the back of the line
As our eyes met
You were the tiny guy
Looking quickly
From the corner of your eye
Almost like you had no right to.
I briefly made note
Of the shy glare
You threw at me
As I struggled with
A whole new warderobe
And some daring lingerie
For the hell of it.  

As I stood chatting
With the colorfull cashiere
It hit me: you're Kevin
The memories came flooding back
You and your brother
Chauffered us around
For a brief while
In the summer of 2007.
I always wondered
How someone with
A severe growth disorder
Managed to stay
So incredibly sweet.

You were always a good boy
5 years older than me
And 15cm smaller than me
Your brother always
Protected you from harm.
But now tell me...
Were you embarassed
When we played
"Pass the ice cube"
And I kissed you full on the mouth?
Understanding full well
That that was your first kiss.
I wasn't making fun of you
I merely felt that someone
With a heart like yours
Should've been kissed
A long time ago.

What are the odds?
I watched her
Plant her lips on his
She was twirling around him
It was like her affection
Was the best compliment he could get.
What were the odds?
She's my sister.
They wrote letters to each other
For 13 years.
When he finally got out
She left her relationship
As to join her true love.
The one that she struggeled
To love for 13 years.
The one that she struggeled
To hate for 13 years.
I smile with joy in my heart
As I watch his contentment
As he finally wraps his arms around her
And the smile and blush
That appears on her face.
Like it was the best compliment
He could've given her.

They really made it
Through everything
Went to hell and back
With each other
And came out victorious.

I decided recently
That maybe I'm better off alone
Just for a while
To sort myself out.
The thought gave me
Immediat and deep peace.
Everything made sense again
And in this moment
As I watch you
In each other's embrace
I know for the first time
That that's what I want for myself
And it's worth the wait.

Please take your heart
And tear it all out
I'm done with this
I've had enough, I'm done.
Enough is enough
And I've reached my limits.
Imma get my party on
In my skin tight dress
And pray to God
You catch an STD.

Just for ***** and giggles
Stop punishing yourself
For a moment and push your ego aside.
I'm over it.
And all over...
*Well him, he's cute

It's calm here
A city with the attitude of a town
"Save the poor"
The words are spelled out
On a building behind the church
There are a few here
Churches that is
In close proximity of each other

I sat at the bus stop
After work
Quietly de-working
De-toxing from your temper
And the threat you oppose
To our professional integrety
Every day you are here.
I snort at the though of you
You're just like my dad.

A man sat by my side
Carefully placed
His beer can on the ground
"Can you read this to me?"
He said as he handed me a letter
I opened it and scanned it briefly
"They're giving you money sir"
"Why?"
"You applied for it and they approved"

You smell just like my dad
Speaking of how my boss reminds me
Alcohol and cigarettes
A boy stares at me in the distance
too young
"Why would they give me money"
"It seems Sir, that you applied for it"

He shruds his shoulders
I get that your memory fails you
With all the *****
That circles in your system.
I don't judge you old man.
You're just a version of my old man.
I get it, life's hard
Wonder what it threw at you
Before you got this way.

Once upon a time
You were just like that boy
Who curiously glues his eyes on me
Just a normal boy.
Just like my dad.
Wonder what will become
Of this young kid
Fingers crossed he'll turn out good
Fingers crossed
*fingers crossed

someone once said to walk away from that which no longer makes you happy*

I have lived my life
Obeying this wisdom
And I rarely miss
Those I walked away from.
Not because I stopped loving them
Not necessarily because I don't care
But I lost my attachment
Willingly and gracefully
And send them all the best
And hoped they would do well
For themselves.

But what about those few
Who never leave you
No matter how far you ran.
No matter how angry you were
Or how many reasons you had
To stay angry.
I've left situations that
I thought I would never dismiss.
Never looking back
Knowing I just did the impossible.
But what about those few
Who show up in my dreams
Greet my thoughts
First thing in the morning
And haunt me through out the day
Having less than enough reason
To stay in my mind?

What do you still have
To say for yourself?
Is it just that I never should've left
In the first place?
Is it a lesson the same way I teach them?
fine if you believe it to be true, let's test it
Am I now getting a taste of my own medicine?
If I truly believed I could just run off
And really leave it all behind me
As just a bad taste in my mouth?
The lesson being
That if I truly belief it to be true,
It must be tested.
And the universe threw all it's power on me
And gently caught me
As I caved under the pressure
Of my own stubborness.

What's there left to say now?
I can reason what I did perfectly.
It all makes sense.
I had no business in that business.
Except for your gracefull existance.
I had to follow my potential
Which is ironically going to waste
As I'm still not living up to it.
I had no space to co-exist in your life
Nor was it my place
I was just the maid
But ironically you still exist in mine.
And no matter how much
I wish you'd leave my
My mind, my dreams,
No matter how much I wish
To stop feeling that sensation
That turns in to an image of you,
It never ends.

*so please, just tell me what you came for. I'm tired of fighting, you won. Just tell me and I'll give in; just make this stop

I felt it to the depths of my heart
The riots in Istanbul
To the point that on a whim
I packed up and left
To join them.
I know how many died
And got life long injuries
And I don't know why
But it feels like a personal insult
That these people are being
Stripped off their basic rights
At the hands of a religious leader

I heard the worry years ago
As I sat at the table with you
In a mansion ajoining the consulat.
How I wondered in here
I beyond me, but here I am.
Watching the wrinkle
Appear on you doll-like features.
I roared with rage as I watched
The footage of the taking of Taksim.
My heart broke with the lightbulbs
I threw at the riot cops
Off the safety of your balcony.

they're just doing their jobs

they attained 50 people tonight

Right before my eyes

I could only watch them
Jump out of their windows

Now I hear that they blew up
The apartment right across
From yours last night.
And the guy who sold bread
On the side of the street died.
I watched the footage
Of Radiohead fans
Being beaten up
For enjoying themselves
During your religious vast.

*Why doesn't anyone help them?

There must be a reason.
Yes, yes there is definitively a reason
Why the men who grew on the same soil as I
Seem exactly as boring as they are.

There must be a reason
Why I only have to see
Men of certain origins
And my flirt comes on.

Happened today
Again!
As I opened my mouth
Right before I smiled
It crossed my mind

no no no no you can't flirt with him, he's her brother

Stupid genetic variety

I kept calm
I kept my cool
The tesion rose
I threw the door at you
You screamed
bang
Said another door

He yelled
Blamed us
Lost his point
I looked at you
We smirked
There was never a fight
what a ****

It was never about us
we don't have a problem.
I know you're leaving
But I'm coming with you.
We've paived the way
For each other
For three years

With each conflict
We hold on tighter
To each other
Through trust and loyalty.
Let them say what they say
Today I laughed
With joy in my heart
As we said
*see you tomorrow

Let there be light
Within my heart
Let me learn to love
Myself and others all the same
Let those who broke my heart
Have a good life
Filled with soft lessons
And kind guidance
Just like it's there for me
Let me learn to be that
Soft voice, that kind guidance
When I really need to
Let the boys have a good season
And free me from
The grudges and the love
That fills my heart.
I have not deserved this burden
But I'll carry it with grace nevertheless.
Just show me that path
That makes it count for something.
Show me how to find balance again.