It hurt, it always hurt
But when it was with them,
It wasn’t so bad.
It wasn’t even bad, it was addictive.

In the world of unlikely friends
People like them
Were the equivalent of a shot of Jack
After a ****** up day or week.

Then he smashed that glass on my face
And forced himself on me.

He shoved his fingers in my ***
So hard I came.
Later that week he watched
Me get wet through my trousers,
In the mirror behind me.
All that from just a conversation.

And if it had been anyone else,
I would’ve kicked them out.
It was hardly a question of being unable to defend myself.

But in their hands
Pain and pleasure slept in the same bed.
In my bed, between my legs
And made out till dawn.

If it had been anyone else,
Heads would’ve rolled.
But he just gave me a painkiller
And rubbed benzodiazepine on my skin.

And somewhere between
Them pulling my hair
And threatening me
You know to make it feel more real

I fell in love...

Me, you, he, she, they we
Table, stool, cup, plate, tea
A green hill and a flock of sheep

I said there were 75 a pack
You counted 71,
And 4 watching your back.

Two months with you
I got lazy and fat,
Got a funny accent too.

Taught me french for a week or two
And multiplied numbers
5x5 is 25, threw a tandrum too!

And yer right, I shoulnd’t rearrange yer stuff.

Tick tock
And the days pass by.
What am I doing
But letting it.
Some call it depression.
I called it an impasse
All the pawns are set to place
No one moves
And no one gets hurt.

But I linger in my bed
Half asleep, half awake
As your scent passes
Through the hallways of my memory.
Or is it my insanity?
The warmth of hands caressing me
And children singing
Of the sleeping beauty.

Am I asleep, awake or just crazy?
There is only so many closets to clean
Yet mine just keep pouring
Their quite strange contents.
I woke up unable to move mostly
My arm slowly rising in the air
As though I was to touch the ceiling
And the voice of a polite little boy
“When you come down
We’d like to know how you’ve come to levitate”
The memory of the will to kiss him
We were only children...
Children’s dreams...

Yet I still have no wings to fly
And the child within me must obey.
People don’t really fly, do they...?

Who do you want to be when you grow up*

What a strange question...
who would I want to be
But just simply who I am?
What should I want to be
But simply just me?
Just one problem...
I can’t remember me?
Every dream of becoming better
And the process of getting there,
Led me to one thing?
Just me.
It turned out that Just Me
Is burned out.
And all the things that I dreamed of
The simple things
Like being able to get lost in a book
Or cooking three meals a day
And getting some excersise,
Were just there to be done
But how could I,
When all these things
Remind me of me?
If I did all that, I’d own up to myself
And I’d remember me
And everything I’m made of.
But somehow I became it anyway...
There are herbs growing by the window
And my sleep needs less of me,
The excuses to get fit
Have been silenced
And there’s a long list
Of fun things to do
All by myself
There’s a long lost voice saying
“Go for Sunday coffee with a friend”
The will to smoke has left me
And the things I always wanted to do
And always stalled infinitely
Are so close, I can feel them.
There’s still work to be done
But the view you get
Half way up the mountain
Is priceless and I’m grateful.

the severing of ties
that's what it was called
but they never faded
never vanished
and never made way
for anything else.

there was the pen
to be followed
as you moved it
before my eyes
and the words to remember
of a language
I would never come to perfect.

there were tests and games
I tracked you down
and sat by the tree.
drew hearts around your shoe tracks.
there were issues and wagers.
and nothing ever changed.
my heart always smiled at you.

and you asked yourself
who was the love of my life?
it has always been you.
and him
and her
and them.
now who is the love of your life?

I swallowed the sings of you
the traces, the links, the connection.
and humored you
by calling it accomodation
instead of stealing.
and you laughed
so I guess I'm off the hook.

If there was a world that I could hold in my palm, I would gift it to you.

But that would not please you.

If there was a book, that contained all the words for Love, in all expressions in the universe, I would lay it by your feet.

But that would not impress you.

If there was an act of respect and reverence, the way I feel it, I would perform it.

But you would not want it.

Nor would I find it adequate in what I'm trying to say.

In the end I would not do any of the above...

Because the only way, I ever got through to you, was through a simple kiss... through the touch of my hands and the words within my soul, too complex for the human mind.

So I guess, I'll simply kiss you, knowing, that that has always been enough.

The anger boiled up again.
I wondered whether it would ever go away.
What was it about all this
That triggered me so intensly?
Was it just frustration?
Or was it frustration
Boiling up from helplessness?
I was powerless against the flash backs.
Powerless against my past, my mistakes,
My inability to allow harm on others.

But I was still here.
Where do I go from here?
What is anger?
Is it simple self-defence?
And if so, against what?
I was trying to find reasons for my pain
Only to realise, that there is none.
Because there is no reason within me
Because I was not the root cause.

It wasn't until I opened my eyes
To the reasons of others
That I realised, that it had nothing to do with me.
I let the pain die away
I was the collateral damage
Of someone else's inner war.
So I removed myself
In understanding that I would never grow sick from this...
They would grow sick from having done what they did.

And in that moment, I felt compassion.

I forgave.

The fear never left
I could still lose everything
To someone else's inner war.
So then what is fear...?

As I sat there
Doing the same **** thing
All those who are in recovery do...
Watching tv, you know
When I'm not sleeping.
I stroked my arm
As I often do
Maybe just to check
That my skin in still warm
Or to have the sensation
Of feeling myself
I felt something I haven't felt in years.

I felt the round healthy curves
Of the bones on my shoulders.
And I felt my recovery
For what seemed to be
The very first time.
The mindsets were there
I'm looking forward.
I'm planning for the future
And although I occasionally feel weak,
I've come to have peace with that.

Recovery happens in small steps
So I just whisper it to myself
Through the cold sweat,
"Endure it... Baby steps..."
I soothe myself
Today I know what happened
Even though I don't know everything
I've come to know myself.
And I'm happy with who I am.

I did not learn
What you wanted me to.
However I touched your pain
Took it in as my own.
Carried it for a minute or a moment
The kind that feels like forever.
I shed your tears through my own eyes
And whispered the words,
The very same words that
Were the first ones to escape my lips
As I was an infant.
thank you
Thank you for sharing your pain
The same way, my pain was shared to you.
I would never see the world
The way you did
Unless I looked through your eyes.
I will not burden myself
With the hell that has been reintroduced to me.
I do not deserve such pain.
Nor do you.
So I will let it pass along
Like water under the bridge
And continue to love you
From the depths of who I am,
From the heart I share with you.
Turn my suffering in to gratitude
And send my wish in to the universe
To some day, kiss your hands and dry your eyes.

A quick exit
That's what they promised me
But I never took that road.
One exit turned in to another
The numbers rolled up to hundreds.
So I took none.
Let it be a testimonial
To how much I love you
And how much you mean to me.

Someone once said
That trauma memory is like a high way
For the trucks that pick up and deliver memories
To the consciousness.
And trauma memory is right behind
That road blockage from the town of horrors.
And an alternative route has not been provided
So the answer to your question is
I don't remember
Nobody is going in or out.

But today I do remember.
I know it all.
If not in words or just a knowing,
Then in images or a sensation.
The blockage to my mathematical thinking
Was blown to pieces only reveal
That not only can I do math
But that I've always been talented.
My grades never showed it
But my reasoning always has.

Let it be known that to me
You are the Pytagoras Theorem
And that one angle I loved dearly
But never calculated
Until you gave me the motivation to.
It was in that one stroke
Of the softest hand on my cheek
That inspired forgiveness
That inspired trust.
And knowing how badly we were targeted.

Now I know how much I put you through
But let it be a testimonial
Of how much pain, our love could inspire
And how much pain our love could endure.
Let it be known that I'm free
Of the projection of your image on to others.
Let it be known, that I'll always be that girl with a pencil behind her left ear...
Because I was left handed... most of the time.

It was Belgium versus Poland.
The teams were exquisite
Both ferocious and skilled
Nothing if not the sweetest exhibits of creation
Each in their own way.

If only I had been equipped
For what was coming my way.
The flesh is weak and I'm nothing if not human.
Yet your Slavic features quickly made way
For whatever it is, that Belgium is made of.

I lost myself that day...
Not to either of you but to myself.
To whatever it is
That my mournful past is made of.
I suffered my pain for months on end
To one day find the pain missing.

I was no longer a victim of anyone.
Not myself nor was I any longer
A pawn in a game
That had been played in various minds for years.
Most of all in my own.

All is fair in love and war...
But why does there have to a war
To make something so right happen?
Who's Yin and who's Yang?
Or are we all just storms
Colliding in to each other
Time after time
Until justice has been served?

And why would there have to be a war in order to establish justice in the first place?
I've been in over my head for years.
However I'm in deep gratitude
That my lunacy has been made to look so peaceful.
Suffered in silence like I said I would
But there's a paradise in my head, in my heart,
The kind I've touched before...

He was soft and warm
Everything I ever wanted but was never blessed to have or to hold.

There was a soft kiss
Playing on my lips
It was as real as
A streaming river dam
It was as real as
Soft pink cotton clouds.
It was nothing if not loving.

There was no way out
Of your loving embrace
Except the way that hurt you the most.
I loved you too much to let you in.
You cried and asked if it was true
I smirked and said "tell no one".

But you knew each wound
On my wretched body
And the meaning of each moan
That escaped me lips
When you put your hands on me.
You knew all my sorrows
And understood me
Like no one else.

Complex PTSD has no mercy
Not even for you my love.
I forgot and you knew.
I blew a kiss and forgot you were alive.
I told you I had a boyfriend
Even though my body still had your scent on it.
And you understood like no one else.

You grunted "stop smoking"
And I snorted at you.
You swore loyalty to a brain
That vowed to forget you.
You were the only thing
I held on to while I accepted
The torment directed on my body and soul.

And I still can't recall your name
But I remember your softness
And diligence.
The effort you put in to me.
Like you were the only one
Who could save me.
And save me you did.
Like no one else could.

There's a surge of anger
Rising from my gut
Grunting to my brain
"Name Him"
And golden heart shaped locked
Drespassing in my mind
Like the kind that seperated lovers
Gift each other with.
But Complex PTSD has no mercy.
Not even for you my love.

We sat on the floor
You and me
I still feel like a young girl
And you still act like a young man
We sat on the floor
You and me
You said you forget the bad
And only hold on to the good.
We smiled and I saw myself
Within you.
There are lines forming around our eyes.
Nearing 30, you and me...

"Do you know what happens, when you ignore all the bad?"

He said he didn't know

you drift apart slowly, until there's nothing left to remember except the bad

But we didn't know that
When we were younger.
We didn't know.

The snow that once left soft curves
On top of everything ugly,
Had melted away
The world was full and empty at the same time.
Everything was solid yet up in the air
It felt like anything could happen.

There was nothing here aside
From a clean slate.
You know the kind, you never wanted.
A smile of contentment for things left behind
And a sting of sorrow for the things
You weren't ready to lose.

Suddenly the world was full of everything
You had always neglected about yourself.
There was air, the cold kind, that hurts your lungs
Empty of a warm promise yet full
Of a truth, kindly smiling at you.

You smile back, in realization
Life so bleak, suddenly looks
Like clouds are lifting
Warm air heading your way
Touching skin sadly neglected

The road stretching beyond reach
Leaving the truth far behind
Like yesterday's past
The snow that once left soft curves
On top of everything ugly
Now fades into a distant memory.

It was day time in a seedy little bar...

"You go talk to him!"

"No you go..."

"She should go" she said
With a firm voice
Like her mind was made up.
So I went

He sat at the bar
Dark hair in a pony tail
He was the coolest guy
There was a man by his side
Who spoke to him
With admiration in his voice.

He pretended he didn't notice me
I went closer, my knees weak
And my hands sweating
He saw me, snorted
Like I wasn't good enough.
With my voice trembling
I said to him...

"Daddy when are you coming home?"

"Dude you have to go home!" Said the man beside him.

Daddy did come home eventually
With a black eye
From the guy at the bar;
Convinced mum
She was the crazy one.

But I liked that other guy better...
Because when a child tells you to go home...
You go home.

She had that "impress me" vibe over her.
If only she could be impressed by anything I knew about.
If only she cared of my dazzeling good looks.
And my smooth lines.

If only I could make her head turn.
But she never looked.
I could never say anything
That stirred her heart.
She was that conquest we all wanted
But could never have
So we never admitted to really wanting her.

she's not that easy, she's too smart

And boy was she ever smart.
Nothing I could do, surprised her.
She was one step ahead.
So I took her down, like a good sportsman
Or hunter who takes down a gazelle.
But she never quivered.
She never admitted that anything I had done
Really impacted her.

She smiled like statues smile
She looked right through us
Like an x-ray scanner
And we felt small
Insignificant.
And we took distance
She was the only thing
I could never figure out completely.
She was the hero
Who never showed her face
And Villain who never told anyone
She had a beautiful heart aside a beautiful face.

The illusion of a woman was embodied within her.

She walked in and stood by the door.
The question how are you
Had released a verbal waterfall
Of anger and insults in to the air.
Suddenly, mid-rant her eyes froze.
She burst in to tears
As her heart burst in her chest
Of reasons she did not want to tell me.

I held her close and whispered to her.
She cried her tears of sorrow
And slowly we reconstructed
Her future in to something more solid.
Then came the second sister.
She didn't want to talk about it.

She had a depth in her sigh
Of a mother who had lost her will
Who had lost hope
And lay curled up in a corner.
There's isn't much to be done now.
But hope for better days.
There were three broken hearts
Sitting in my orderly livingroom.

So we changed scenes
I walked in to the city
To meet people I've never met.
There was an infinite stair case
To what turned out to be paradise.
There were field flowers and greens
More candle holders
Than I've ever seen...

There were two boys
Who seemed to have it all
In their cluddered pach of heaven.
And that is where we found ourselves.
I welcomed myself
In to my own heart
And decided it was time for a change.
For good this time.

Be more Yin*
I heard a whisper in my heart
In my head, in my gut.
Suppose when you hit rock bottom
Any suggestion can help.

I loved myself for what seemed
Like the first time
Sure I had thought I loved myself
But this was different.
There was acceptance
For my mistakes and flaws.
There were soft words in my mouth.

There came to pass
A deep lack of fear.
And a question as to why.
I wondered where it all came from.
What if I lost everything?
Would it **** me?
No.
What I need is a matter
Of an individual perspective.
Do I need what I think I need?

And what if it did **** me?
Would I notice?
No.
Would others notice?
Sure, but they will one day
Die too.
Would they miss me?
Yes but will it **** them?
No.

Come to think of it...
The worst thing that could happen to me
Has already come to pass
More times than I care to remember.
But did I die?
No.
So in conclution...
The worst thing that could happen to me
Doesn't really exist.

It's a figment of my imagination.

I lost my job

you want to come over

yeah I think I do*

Haven't seen you in months...
Suddenly I see once again
How deeply you impacted me.
You're like a dock worker
But a girl, a fire fighter to be exact.
We're not that different;
I just conformed to expectations.

We speak like we always spoke.
You ground me
You always ground me.
The whisperers are on a roll
And you listen intently.
The house has a heart
The blue lines on your wall
Look like the arteries
And there's a warm beating heart at the foundation.

There are images projected
In the empty space
In your kitchen
And I'm in deep flow
Whispering past events to you.
There are jokes infused
In serious discussions
And a cause of hilarity
In our intoxicated distraction.

There's a playful fox
On the edge of my lips...
And a seed of trust
Embedded in our souls.
We add dimensions
To our reality.
Open up more.
Close our mouths more.
Like the Yin
We flow slowly but surely,
We dust oursrlves off,
We reach our goals...

But not today.
The beer is cold
And there's a border collie in my lap...

There she sat across me calmly and sternly,
The kind lady who recruited me.
I had no words left to speak out.
They had disappeared in to the cubicle
I used to occupy.
I had kept quiet for the past weeks
Hoping that would soothe the boss
And her relentless persuit of me.

Not once would I regret the things I said
In my poor defence of problems
She caused and the blamed on others.
It wasn't her, I was just not smart enough.
It wasn't her inprudence and a software can't malfunction.
It was never her.

Sure I'm not perfect...
I willingly admit to that any day.
But I wasn't the first one
...and you won't be the last one
She attempted a smile
And said she'd call tomorrow.

But didn't it bother you

Yes but it wasn't worth quitting over

The truth is probably between the lines
And the enthousiasme of a Silverfox
A sweet man who never learned to lie.
Not even about the things
That were never introduced in words.
Or even a touch.

It all seems so unnecessary
But then I remember how she smiled
As he adressed her
And I realised my mistake
And what she was a victim of this time.
But it was never her fault.
I simply walked in to her territory...

I've climbed up the rain pipe
To reach the window.
I've knocked on the glass
In the dead of the night
I've whispered apologies
In to the silence
Under the stern eye
Of my sleep deprived mother.
I've crawled through
The hole in the ground
That leads to the basement
And forced open doors
With a wire cutter...
It seems there is no cure
To losing keys and locking yourself out.

But maybe it's just life's way
Of telling us
We're locking ourselves out.
This is not who you are...
You don't force your way
In to things and apologise for your mistake.
You take that which is yours
Because someone once said
"Ownership is for those who claim it".  
You wouldn't apologise
For walking in to your own home
Because someone said
That it doesn't belong to you.

If I love it and it loves me back
Then by default
It has to be mine
Regardless of the consequences.

They said to let it go,
The whisperes did.
I let it go like they said.
You still rub salt in to my wounds.
But progress is made in small steps.
And I realised something;
One never truly moves on
Until the anger has made way
For acceptance and reconciliation.

And surely, when I see
The lisence plates
One white,one yellow
And a steerling wheel on the wrong side
I no longer think of you.
I think of a sketchy Scot
I got to know on a poetry site.
I smirk and wonder what he is up to.
My anger made way for nicer associations.

And when I smell acrylic adhesive
I no longer think of you;
I think of the bus ride
I took every morning
To go work for a dentist.
And when I walk through the lobby
I wonder what the girls are up to.
Healing takes time...
But much like the Yin
It moves slowly and diligently.
I take a deep breath...
It feels like I can breathe again...

It feels like Love is kinder
Slower and more gentle with me
This time around...
His energy is sweet
But not co-dependent.
And it's ok, if it doesn't work out.
You are lovely to watch
Even on a bad day.
Fear has made way
For respect and reverance.

Do you remember what it was like
When adults spoke words
That we were too young to understand?
Do you remember what it was like
When we were programmed by our parents?
They explained meanings of words,
Trained us in diciplines
And spoke truths
We were too inexpirienced to deeply understand?

Do you remember what it was like
To see a bridge for the first time?
To really see it and wonder
Why it was there and purpose it served?
Something so mundaine today
Back then we just trusted
That if it was there,
Then there must've been
A good reason for it.
We trusted that everything
We saw and heard was true.

don't lie to children

Has it ever occurred to you
That everything we see for the first time
Is being viewed without judgement.
We don't know what it is.
It is up to those who explain it
To remain equally unjudgemental
So we can make up our own minds.
Do you realise that life
Is still a surprise to young eyes?
Don't program them wrong.

Do you realise the responsability
To purify your own mind
Before you speak it
To inexpirienced ears.
If you teach hate, you will see it
Everywhere you go.
Someone once said
if you plant a tree, it will never grow to become grass
So stop demanding it to...
it will always be a tree.
But you help it become
Happier and healthier.

They won't become what you want them to become.
They will become that which they hold a potential for.

There's a word in Finnish
To describe an intetion
That could be translated
Only by using a combination
Of several English words.
"Sisu" means to endure,
To presevere, to be dauntless
And infernally stubborn.

As I sit in this modern train
Feeling the rails below me,
I watch the snow
That gives everything around me
A softly curving silhouette.
The cold bites in to my lips
Yet it is compassionate
In its dryness
And never cuts me to the bone.

I listen to the language
That gave my mouth
It's sharp edges
And it's gentle caress.
As I stroll around
These streets that were build
By the bare broken hands
Of our suppressed forefathers,
I come to sense
It's deepest truth of who they were.

Our fathers build houses of wood
And cut railways in to solid granite.
These men and women
Build homes that could go up in flames
And infrastructures that could last generations.
We have always worked for the future.

I think of my brother's words...
didn't you memorize the land marks?
I did... and I realise
That in this country we survive
On our memory of how to get back home.
If you lose your way, you die.
If you get cold, you die.

But maybe what these
Children that were born and raised
Under the watchful eye of Sisu
Need to come to understand
That we are no longer
Fighting to survive...

We are fighting to allow
The warmth of our hearts
Come out through our lips
And become visible
Even to those who no longer believe
That we posess such heat.

What if we were to
Give everyone in our hearts
A number as a name?
Each of these numbers
Multiplied by each other
Would give us a result
That defines
Who we have become
And how we live our lives,
How we make our choices.

Maybe mum is a 5
And dad is a 2
Maybe my two home girls
Are an 8 and a 7.
And my sisters
Are a 3 and a 4
Then I would be 6720.
Maybe I'm a 9 to someone else...
But this is not what defines me
But rather how I define others.
My impact on them.

Someone once said
That all is nothing
And nothing is all.
To find out what "nothing" means
We must first ask
What "everything" means.
Maybe we all just want to be a 0.
That perfect stadium
Of being everything and nothing
All at once.
The perfect balance
The golden middle way.
The Source.

So then if you
Make me feel
Like I can no longer
Be defined by exterior digits
Then are you multiplying
My whole life and everything in it
By 0, thus making me 0?
Does it mean that the way
To the perfect balance
Is to let the numbers be what they are
And letting you neutralize me
And render me to nothing
And everything all at once?

Momma is kind
Momma is soft
Momma held me close
She made the tears stop
She ended the hunger pain
With her own body
Momma said with a smile
"It's gonna be ok"
Momma said
"I love you baby girl"
She's my favourite in the world
She is the founding force
Of my very existence
She and my daddy.
She's the most beautiful woman
I have ever seen
I am her and she is me
So then I must be pretty too, right?
Momma is always right
Momma knows it all...
Momma looked in the mirror and said
"Oh God I'm ugly and fat, what does your father see in me?"

It was cold and the sun was out
Upbeat but unable to convince my body
I dragged on
Down the street, passed the Central Station
I stood at the cross way
A black Range Rover stopped to let me pass.
The window opened, he yelled my name.

The past came flooding in
That black boy brought it all back.
I stood in the warehouse
Yelling out orders
Three 40ft containers
And it's only 8 in the morning.
Barely short from a military regime
He just smiled, the black boy.
"Ok boss, I'll get it done"
He turned away and I smiled back

Illegal immigrant
The kindest boy I knew
The hardest worker
Defended me when you needn't.
Lost it all, job and everything
"Put him back on the planning"
Alas, no papers means no work.

It's good to see you
The boy who made it
...In to a Range Rover of all places
Just barely on my feet
Miss Independed through it all...
But you made my day
Gave me hope and a sign.
We all get back on our feet eventually.

It's like a dream
That one re-occurring dream.
You know, the kind
You don't want to
Wake up from.
Just turn around
Pull the covers up
And hope it comes back.

Somehow it takes my breath away
Leaves me speechless
My face is an open book
And you never launch
To attack it's contents.
You just allow it to be
Anything and everything it is.
It's takes grace, fearlessness.

I know, to many people
I come off as Thunderstorm
Yet somehow I feel like
You're trained eyes
See through all of that.
Like there's a kinship with the likes of you.
And can't deny any of that...

So to be safe and fair...
I'll sit here quietly
I swear I won't talk...
As long as you promise
To continue to never attack
My contents
Even if you can see them
Where no one else can.

Don't talk of that
Which is so obvious to you.
And I won't talk of that
Which is so obvious to me.
Never touch my skin,
And I'll never touch yours.
Keep it on the down low
No one gets hurt.

There's a tension headache
Pressuring my brain
It feels alot like the pain
One feels after having cried for too long.
It feels like the pain we feel
After having realised
That we don't always feel better
After the tears have flown.
just cry, you'll feel better after
But with you it never worked out that way.

The pain stayed and you left.
More times than I can count.
So I wrote you a letter
Just so you'd know
That things are different this time around.
I won't leave in anger
And I won't argue this time.
I'm not leaving because of something you said.
I know you've been trying.
I'm leaving because the pain isn't healing.
You are not healing me
Just letting the wounds fester
As if you spat in to them.

So this time
I'm packing up
Everything I ever felt for you
Only to toss my luggage
In to the stream
As I cross that bridge.

Now I know
Where all those odd lost objects come from.
Maybe like the bags that contain my love for you,
All the lost shoes and shirts
Are just containers for something
That cannot be dressed up in words.
I can hear the plunge as I keep walking.
Now when I reach the other side,
I'm setting that bridge on fire.
Burn *****, burn

I hail my train and forget that there ever was a John.

"So how did it go"

"Oh fine. Just have to go down and explain a few things"

"Yeah... I heard. That was a little awkward."

"Well yeah but all in all it went pretty well"

"Okay. Explain."

"Well he understood that I just couldn't help myself"

"You mean that you just helped yourself to it"

"Or that. Either way, he said it was fine... you know after he recovered from the panic attack"

"You're telling me, he wasn't upset that you left lipstick on his white shirt"

"Yeah...or...the part where I ran in to him in the hallway and sniffed his neck in the first place..."

"Yeah it wasn't seeing that that upset me either, it was when you wouldn't let go and he just kept saying that was married"

"Everyone could use a compliment"

"Let me get this straight. If a girl does it to a guy it's a compliment and not ****** assault"

"Well us women we just get away with more"

"I hope you get away when his wife shows up with a rolling pin"

"Well if she's going to show up then I hope that he only told her about the part where I sniffed his neck"

"Was there another part to that?"

"...well... I may have tracked down his car and glued a few post-its on it"

"Few?"

"Hmh... I didn't count them."

"And what had you written on the post-its"

"Just hearts..."

"You're going to have to sound more convincing"

"And some ***** phrases"

"Don't go in to specifics... Anything else to declare"

"My undying love..."

"Really? On a post-it?"

"Well to be fair, I did just sniff his neck..."

"You kept it pretty tame then"

"Well he didn't let me anyway. Plus his wife kept calling"

"You're insane"

"I have a good heart"

"Yeah, there are drawings of it glued all over his car..."

I don't know for sure
What it all means
But there's something
About your gaze
The emotions on your face
There's a softness
Within you
That sends shivers
Down my spine.

Maybe it's in your eyes
I just can't figure out
What color they are
Blue maybe green...
Can't hold your gaze
Even for a second.
Watching you opens my heart...
So what now?
Can't be angry or sad
Just like to linger in your scent...

But something is different
Because I hear music
For the first time in years
I mean to really hear
I felt this strange sensation
In my heart, I just couldn't
Put my finger on it
I guess I called it hope...
yeah, it must've been hope.

There's peace too...
When I think of you.
Just can't say a word
Nothing will come out.
I shrug my sholders,
I guess I'm doomed.
What is there to be done?
I'm *******.

What if I were to take two apples
And push them together so hard
That they became one?
Would it hurt them?
Would they grow sick
From the trauma?

It is likely they would.

I am not at loss for words
When you rant on at me
For mistakes I cannot amend.
For having to pick up after me
At a loss for having had
Appropriate instructions.
If you were to yell at me
For everything
That makes me imperfect,
Would I grow sick?

Perhaps I would.

But having have grown sick
So many times in my short life,
It's hard to overthrow
My well-developed immunity system
For any poison that
Leaks from your torn heart.

I'm sorry you grew sick.

But more than that
I'm sorry you are unable
To pick up after yourself
After causing a storm
In your own head
Day after day.
Hour after hour.

But one day you'll learn
To only take in
That which makes you stronger.
We could learn together...
You hold no responsability
For my negative mindsets
If I would stubbornly choose to have them.
And I hold no responsability for yours,
If you stubbornly choose to have them.

SEND ME BACK!
She roared to a woman
In a blue dress
Sitting behind a desk
"Please. Haven't you been trough enough"
There was peace here
It wasn't warm or cold
In fact there was no temperature
The stars formed belts in the distance
The gas clouds wrapped themselves
Around this stream of a universe in motion.
There was air here
The weight and the pain was long gone
"You should come home. Let's abort the mission. Just come home"
I'm not staying here, you're sending me back right now!
"Please...there's no place for you on earth"
I'LL BE ****** IF MY MOTHER FINDS ME DEAD, ***** AND NAKED IN MY BED! SEND ME BACK NOW

The heart rate picked up
Automatically the diaphragm responded
Lungs opened up
There's air flow
A stinging pain in the temple
sleep it off*
Said the soul to the brain
As she loaded her guns.

It's been 7 years
Since you called me
After a year of silence.
You cried your tears on the phone
Drunk and hurt
I still don't know why I listened
Made peace out of my anger
But such is love between friends.

You arose from the flames
Like a raging phoenix
The woman I always knew
You'd one day end up being.
Now the mother of a 3-year-old
The girl who learned
To love herself unconditionally.
You have become the Dragon, the Lion
My personal hero.

The woman I never fully understood
You could become.
But there was a fierce strength in you
As you handed me a small box
Containing two necklaces, two halfs of a heart
And instructed me to give one to my best friend.

I guess my anger must have
Fully healed and made place
For reverance and respect.
I found the box and the necklaces
And as I sat there wondering
Why I never gave you the other half
I receive my answer in the form of humility
I should have believed in you
It's been 7 years...

You see I was not punishing you
I was punishing myself.
I take a deep breath that unburdens me
Tell you the things I never spoke out
To anyone else before
Let your gentle heart heal me
I let you make me better again
Like only you could.

So we start over
At the end of a bad year
I hold the box before you
"Do you remember this?"
Your eyes were blank
So I opened it
And handed you the other half
"It always belonged to you anyway;
You are the Raging Phoenix
Unhindered by the tallest flames
And I see you now"

The Ghetto Saint
Is what the Wisperers called you.
Don't you look at me that way
I think to myself
As I cut your flirt off.
It's not that you're not good enough.
It's that you feel nothing.
In and out of jail
You know what you did

And despite all of that
Look what you made!
There's a girl beside me
Who never did time
Because you made it so.
You save lives and speak truths.
To get their attention
And sooth them with your voice.

You may think
That your existance doesn't matter
But look what you made
There are children out on the street
Who know you'll watch over them
Who are every bit as unfortunate as you.
There are two girls close to my heart
Who are subjects of your
Skillful training and soft authoroty
Who you've never layed a hand on.

There's a gentle and kind
Childless father within you
Not that you ever treated me
As one of your protégés
But never the less
You watched over my sleep.
It's never been that you don't matter.
It's been that you think
That you don't matter.

It was kind of like
Walking in to a movie
Three generations were present
The father of the family
Age 78 or so sat by the table
He spoke his truth
To the pagan witch
And us, we just listened.

Your house spoke of love
It spoke of a tribe and a home
It said "ownership
Is for those who claim it"
For better or for worse
In awe I watched the result
Of your undying love
To your laid wife.

With all my power I drew
Calligraphies of your walls
Set a field of whatever it is
That souls set fields of.
I whispered words of comfort
In to it's foundation
And secrets of love and hope
In to this air.

I learned deeper compassion
And Tao Mastership
But you, you may have taught me
Something money can't buy:
Your unyielding devotion.
By your window sat two girls
Marveling at what has come to pass
In your lineage and how peaceful you made it.

We never knew it really existed.
But then I suppose that
That which we believe to be true
Will come to manifest in it's own time.
Your unyielding faith has come to prevail.
There's a smile and a warmth
As I hold this esoteric present in my palms.

All you need to do, is believe it.

"I'm not comfortable with eye contact"
I informed him as I looked around.
The ******-analyst, he just smiled
We'll circle back to that later...
I allowed the images to replay
Flow from my mouth
Like water falls flowing
Through the gap between my lips.

He kept his gaze on his notes
This chair is uncomfortable
Or maybe it's because he chose my seat...
Like a water dam that broke loose
In the depths of my mind
I remember the words
"If you **** yourself, I'll **** them all"
So I lived, saved lifes each night.

I made no attachment to whether they knew
They owed me nothing
Because they never knew...
So today I spoke out the past.
Not to earn up your obedience
But to make you recognize
That your temper has nothing on me.

Spill your guts and spit out your anger
My beloved sisters, but never...
Never talk down to me
I earned my bars and payed all of our dues.
I robbed you off your comfort zone
You're no longer the fittest
Does that mess with your self-esteem?

Well then you should not have
Based your self-value
On conquering cotton *****.
I'd honor your suffering
If you only had the *****
To honor mine.
Cry out your tears and take that tone
I dare you.
You're in the process of learning
To respect the hardships of others.

This is the other side of compassion.
It's called tough love.

There's a moment of orderly silence
Well calculated and planned silence
Before you allow your eyes to cross mine.
You know I'm going to look away
But you also feel my eyes following you
As you pass by without looking at me.

you sure are beautiful
I think to myself
As I bend a paper clip
Out of it's intended shape.
There's a cool calmness
And a fear of my heart imploding
In to my chest.
It's just lust

I don't mind and I'm not giving in
take the high road
The whisperers tell me
And I'm intending to
But I know my posture gives me away.
Aware of my youthful mistakes
The very same ones
You never make...

You never speak directly at me
You always address someone else
But I know that you know
That I know.
And when no one's watching
You allow your eyes to wander
Always taking a moment
To gaze in to my eyes
As to challenge me.

I rarely respond... on purpose.
And if someone ever asked me
If you had made a pass at me
I could never come up
With any solid argument
Even if I wanted to give you away.
And it's not like you started it.
It's also not that you would not have ended it...
It's just that I'm a horrible liar
And you know that.

If there's been a lifetime
Where I've had to fight
For my God given right to be sane,
Then this must be it.
It's a lifetime that contains within it
A constant silver lining.

It's not because I've suffered
That that should hinder me.
The clean-up just takes more time.
More persistence and faith
To wash the dirt off my worn hands.

And as I gaze out of the window
Of the large office building
Which somehow stumbled
On to my winding path,
I see cranes and constructions.
Humanity's lego blocks,
Reflections of our deepest selves.

I smile and come to realise
Somehow, this view
Looks much like myself...
Always building, never giving up
Always on the look out
For better solutions and structures.
It must have been
Humanities gift to me...

The orange winter sun
Caresses this view
And with it
It caresses my broken hands.

Is some years someone will say
That Lily, she sure was a riot.
There's something to be said
About the vague mocking
I cast upon myself.
If it wasn't for my misfortune
I would not have had
Such dark sense of humor.
I'd rather put myself on the spot
Than give you the pleasure.

If there was a statue
For all the broken women
Would she smile?
I'm sure she would.
I guess I would, if it was me.

There's gratitude in the peace
That resides in my so called
Lonely home.
I'd rather kick back
On my own
Put my feet on the table
Than spend another minute
With a man
Who needs a trophy wife.
For I'm certainly no trophy.

So unpredictable
I can't tell what I'll do next.
My lips tear apart in speech
At the first sight
Of flawed logic
If not of you, then of me.
I'd smile, laugh and mock myself.

But the wounds are on the mend.
In the midst of the process
I'd only wonder
"Is it a witch burning or a burning witch?",
Is there love to be found
To cast upon my abusers
And how much suffering can I take
Before my mind collapses on itself
And I'm introduced to the padded room.

At fear of losing my mind,
I can only work harder
To regain my mental states
And hope that someday
I'll be free of the streams
That pull me away
For thinking straight.
I spill my guts
Sit through the cold sweat
And grind my teeth
Knowing, that someday I'll understand.

I forgive myself
For shamelessly staring
I can forgive myself
For the missing years
That pile on
Between us
I could forgive myself
For falling in love
And having my heart
Torn out once more.
Indeed I could tear out
My very own heart
As long as yours is safe and warm.
Such is Love in Sacrifice
Or Sacrifice in Love.
Whichever way you put it,
You're one of those Light Bodies.
Visibly imperfect and somewhat lost.
Maybe not entirely but certainly in some way.
How could my Light guide you home
When you shine so bright
I can't tear my eyes off you,
Hell I couldn't see home if I tried.
In some way you became
The missing Sun ray
And I became the troll
That wanders in the night.
Alas, such is life
All the good ones
The missing puzzle pieces
Are hanging on another woman's arm,
Or are gay as ****.

"I'm a ******* Starboy"

The words are spelled
On your forehead
I smile at you
The real smile
That you always see
Playing on my features.

"I love you unconditionally and always"*
You think I don't know that?
You look away each time
You see my adoration
And know deeply and truly
That I will never act on it.

I'm done waiting around,
If you can't see that
I deserve better than anything
You are willing to offer.
Of all the beauty you hold
None of it will belong
In my life again.

And as you leave
4 minutes to catch your train...
"It's fine I'll pay"
I say once again.
And I think maybe today
You may have understood
Why I won't give in to you.

It's always the same with you.
But there's a warm place
In my heart as I think of you.
There's a virtual kiss
Landing on your forehead.

To you it means
The kiss of death.
To me it always meant
The kiss of loyalty.
You may never agree on everything
But maybe today
You understood
That I'm nobody's side *****.

it ain't proper*
I think to myself
As I watch you
In all your sereen authority.
I listen to your quiet low voice
And cover my smile
With my hand leaning closer to the computer screen.
Got my feet firmly on the ground
But nothing degrades
Your natural grace.
I'm not a fool about it
I just like to watch you
And I think you
May have noticed.
The cracks on your face
That form friendly lines
Around your eyes
Do not diminish your natural light.
I look away as a blush
Decorates my cheeks
And of course
You saw that.
There's a sweet twinkle
In your eyes
Of a man that just received
An unexpected compliment
That must've been so far
From appropriate it made you grin.

I'm getting back to work.
This is embarassing...!

There was something here before
A kind of residual light
I held within my heart
Under the caress on my palms
There was a preseverance
Despite all the attacks on my persona
The abuse that was addressed to me
And the cold hard impact of your hand
On various parts of my withering body
There was a freezing rage in my voice
As I promised you to one day
Provide the hand that kills you.
Never corner a scared animal
It is more likely to fight
Than to ever take flight
Don't worry, I won't flee
I'm however not so kind as to **** you
Odds of you suffering are higher
Once left alive
Stop approaching me
I won't be a lady this time around.

Someone once said
If you subtract your age
From 66 and add 50
You'll get your birthyear
I smirked and went along
With this game on numbers.

It all setteled where they said it would.
As a direct consequence
Arose the infernal question
but why
I've never been great at math.

But I put my mind in to it
I can figure this out
What is the value
Of the constants?
If they aren't talking
Then what are they saying to me?

I broke my head over it
It all made sense
In any way I put them.
Something just wasn't adding up.
I'm putting the measure
Of comparaison in the wrong place
Said a whisper within me.

At peace I sat waiting for the bus
A whisper closes in
If the constants don't serve you, then why are you fixating on them?
Of course, that is it!
It's not the constants
It's not the known facts

It is the variables
The unknown facts!
And sure as hell
If you add 66 to 50,
You'll get 116...
and if I add 89 to 27,
I'll get the equal of the comparaison: 116.

So relax, acceptance will come
When we learn what the variables are.
And even if you don't understand it,
You can still love it
And it will eventually love you back.

When life give you lemons
You make lemonade.
But at some point
Lemonade just won't do.

It doesn't sell well either.
So you get smart
And start making limoncello
And give those *******
What was coming at them.

A face that indicates
They took on more
Than they could handle
A gag reflex and sour taste in their mouths

A sweet twist that comes from
The smirk on your face
And if they keep messing with you
They won't be able to see straight
Let alone walk home unsupported.

Alice come here*
I called my sister's cat
She did not look at me.
She sniffed the air
She took her time
And eventually proceeded
To sniff my shoes.

I ran my fingers through her furr.
Such a strange sensation
Almost like the first time
I ever pet a feline.
I appreciated her soft furr
And smiled at the memory
Oh how wonderous
It feels to a child

This cat, an animal
Came to me, not because I called her
Not because I commanded her
As though she was mine
To order around.
She has no master
She chooses her way.

May that be the way I live my life.
Not because I want to
But because I have to.
For who chooses my path
If not me?
Who is left to pick up
The broken pieces
Of the choices I made
If not me?

If I am responsible and on my own in it
When I make a mistake,
Then may I be alone in all my decisions
That I make
As I proceed in this world.

When we were little girls
We sang as though
Our voices joined as One.
We sang in a chior
Young voices of angels
The voices in which
Innosence was centered
We joined to sing as One.

Now years later
We sit at a bar
They call us The Sisters
Because we're always together
We share all things
We share what we have
Because all we ever had
Was each other.

A song comes on
And our voices join
As One once more.
The guys smile
Oh, it's the Sisters
We sound somewhat different now
More mature, more brushed off.
Less like angels
More like rivals.

I had a wish years ago
That we'd one day stop
Competing for everything and anything.
Who's the most talented
Who's most accomplished
Who has the highest degree
And the best job.
Who makes the most money
And who is prettiest.

It was all under control
Until I heard the words
Escape from your lips...
I'm sleeping with the guy you like
Air escaped my lungs
You cried out your shame
And I blessed you in silence.
I can't shut you out
Because I still love you.

I wish you had stopped competing
I could never get even with you.
Not because I can't win
But because you can't win from me.
I'd break you in pieces and you know it.
You stayed up all night
Howling out the pain
You never knew lived within you.

And I wish I had said something about it to you before
*Now look at us