There's a word in Finnish
To describe an intetion
That could be translated
Only by using a combination
Of several English words.
"Sisu" means to endure,
To presevere, to be dauntless
And infernally stubborn.

As I sit in this modern train
Feeling the rails below me,
I watch the snow
That gives everything around me
A softly curving silhouette.
The cold bites in to my lips
Yet it is compassionate
In its dryness
And never cuts me to the bone.

I listen to the language
That gave my mouth
It's sharp edges
And it's gentle caress.
As I stroll around
These streets that were build
By the bare broken hands
Of our suppressed forefathers,
I come to sense
It's deepest truth of who they were.

Our fathers build houses of wood
And cut railways in to solid granite.
These men and women
Build homes that could go up in flames
And infrastructures that could last generations.
We have always worked for the future.

I think of my brother's words...
didn't you memorize the land marks?
I did... and I realise
That in this country we survive
On our memory of how to get back home.
If you lose your way, you die.
If you get cold, you die.

But maybe what these
Children that were born and raised
Under the watchful eye of Sisu
Need to come to understand
That we are no longer
Fighting to survive...

We are fighting to allow
The warmth of our hearts
Come out through our lips
And become visible
Even to those who no longer believe
That we posess such heat.

What if we were to
Give everyone in our hearts
A number as a name?
Each of these numbers
Multiplied by each other
Would give us a result
That defines
Who we have become
And how we live our lives,
How we make our choices.

Maybe mum is a 5
And dad is a 2
Maybe my two home girls
Are an 8 and a 7.
And my sisters
Are a 3 and a 4
Then I would be 6720.
Maybe I'm a 9 to someone else...
But this is not what defines me
But rather how I define others.
My impact on them.

Someone once said
That all is nothing
And nothing is all.
To find out what "nothing" means
We must first ask
What "everything" means.
Maybe we all just want to be a 0.
That perfect stadium
Of being everything and nothing
All at once.
The perfect balance
The golden middle way.
The Source.

So then if you
Make me feel
Like I can no longer
Be defined by exterior digits
Then are you multiplying
My whole life and everything in it
By 0, thus making me 0?
Does it mean that the way
To the perfect balance
Is to let the numbers be what they are
And letting you neutralize me
And render me to nothing
And everything all at once?

Momma is kind
Momma is soft
Momma held me close
She made the tears stop
She ended the hunger pain
With her own body
Momma said with a smile
"It's gonna be ok"
Momma said
"I love you baby girl"
She's my favourite in the world
She is the founding force
Of my very existence
She and my daddy.
She's the most beautiful woman
I have ever seen
I am her and she is me
So then I must be pretty too, right?
Momma is always right
Momma knows it all...
Momma looked in the mirror and said
"Oh God I'm ugly and fat, what does your father see in me?"

It was cold and the sun was out
Upbeat but unable to convince my body
I dragged on
Down the street, passed the Central Station
I stood at the cross way
A black Range Rover stopped to let me pass.
The window opened, he yelled my name.

The past came flooding in
That black boy brought it all back.
I stood in the warehouse
Yelling out orders
Three 40ft containers
And it's only 8 in the morning.
Barely short from a military regime
He just smiled, the black boy.
"Ok boss, I'll get it done"
He turned away and I smiled back

Illegal immigrant
The kindest boy I knew
The hardest worker
Defended me when you needn't.
Lost it all, job and everything
"Put him back on the planning"
Alas, no papers means no work.

It's good to see you
The boy who made it
...In to a Range Rover of all places
Just barely on my feet
Miss Independed through it all...
But you made my day
Gave me hope and a sign.
We all get back on our feet eventually.

It's like a dream
That one re-occurring dream.
You know, the kind
You don't want to
Wake up from.
Just turn around
Pull the covers up
And hope it comes back.

Somehow it takes my breath away
Leaves me speechless
My face is an open book
And you never launch
To attack it's contents.
You just allow it to be
Anything and everything it is.
It's takes grace, fearlessness.

I know, to many people
I come off as Thunderstorm
Yet somehow I feel like
You're trained eyes
See through all of that.
Like there's a kinship with the likes of you.
And can't deny any of that...

So to be safe and fair...
I'll sit here quietly
I swear I won't talk...
As long as you promise
To continue to never attack
My contents
Even if you can see them
Where no one else can.

Don't talk of that
Which is so obvious to you.
And I won't talk of that
Which is so obvious to me.
Never touch my skin,
And I'll never touch yours.
Keep it on the down low
No one gets hurt.

There's a tension headache
Pressuring my brain
It feels alot like the pain
One feels after having cried for too long.
It feels like the pain we feel
After having realised
That we don't always feel better
After the tears have flown.
just cry, you'll feel better after
But with you it never worked out that way.

The pain stayed and you left.
More times than I can count.
So I wrote you a letter
Just so you'd know
That things are different this time around.
I won't leave in anger
And I won't argue this time.
I'm not leaving because of something you said.
I know you've been trying.
I'm leaving because the pain isn't healing.
You are not healing me
Just letting the wounds fester
As if you spat in to them.

So this time
I'm packing up
Everything I ever felt for you
Only to toss my luggage
In to the stream
As I cross that bridge.

Now I know
Where all those odd lost objects come from.
Maybe like the bags that contain my love for you,
All the lost shoes and shirts
Are just containers for something
That cannot be dressed up in words.
I can hear the plunge as I keep walking.
Now when I reach the other side,
I'm setting that bridge on fire.
Burn *****, burn

I hail my train and forget that there ever was a John.

"So how did it go"

"Oh fine. Just have to go down and explain a few things"

"Yeah... I heard. That was a little awkward."

"Well yeah but all in all it went pretty well"

"Okay. Explain."

"Well he understood that I just couldn't help myself"

"You mean that you just helped yourself to it"

"Or that. Either way, he said it was fine... you know after he recovered from the panic attack"

"You're telling me, he wasn't upset that you left lipstick on his white shirt"

"Yeah...or...the part where I ran in to him in the hallway and sniffed his neck in the first place..."

"Yeah it wasn't seeing that that upset me either, it was when you wouldn't let go and he just kept saying that was married"

"Everyone could use a compliment"

"Let me get this straight. If a girl does it to a guy it's a compliment and not ****** assault"

"Well us women we just get away with more"

"I hope you get away when his wife shows up with a rolling pin"

"Well if she's going to show up then I hope that he only told her about the part where I sniffed his neck"

"Was there another part to that?"

"...well... I may have tracked down his car and glued a few post-its on it"

"Few?"

"Hmh... I didn't count them."

"And what had you written on the post-its"

"Just hearts..."

"You're going to have to sound more convincing"

"And some ***** phrases"

"Don't go in to specifics... Anything else to declare"

"My undying love..."

"Really? On a post-it?"

"Well to be fair, I did just sniff his neck..."

"You kept it pretty tame then"

"Well he didn't let me anyway. Plus his wife kept calling"

"You're insane"

"I have a good heart"

"Yeah, there are drawings of it glued all over his car..."