If I told you that I loved you
Would you feel like you had to say it back?
And why would you say it?
Is it the stinging hint of guilt you'd feel,
When you realise, you never thought about me that way?

I'm just a person you know.
Or would you nodd with a smile
And preserve those words
For the moments
When you suddenly feel
That you in fact love me back,
And speak the three word sentence then?

Probably not.
You'd smile and fluently
Return those three words.
I would mean what I say
And you'd return hollow words
To ease my discomfort
Of the truth
That it hadn't even occurred to you.

You might shrud your sholders
And think to yourself
That perhaps, I'm only saying that,
To confirm, that I deserve love.
And you might be right
But then why do you
Feed my need for confirmation?

I guess in the end of the day
All we need to do
To preserve ourselves
Is exactly that; preserve ourselves.
Life is not a 5 step plan
And you may not find
The love of your life right away.

But then meanwhile
You can be the love of your own life.
And then when someone special shows up
You'll have all those things
You wanted for yourself and got
To share and to discover.

I can still feel
The emotional marks you left
On my mind, in my brain.
I can see the marks you never left on my body

Nothing I do to you
Will fix that.
Nothing I could do to harm myself
Would fix that
Nothing I do to you will fix that.

So how do I fix myself?

"I can't overpower you"
I would say to a kind man.
"You would never have to!"
He would reply, eyes wide open
nothing there I haven't heard before
I think to myself

The Post-Traumatic brain
Does not wait around.
It is always pro-active.
I could defend myself
Against a smaller man.
But not the giants I feel so drawn to.

The body wants, what the body wants.

I'd be easy bait for him.
Why couldn't it be differently?
To fight
Or to flight?

Or to face the challenge
And trust
That not all men
Who carry guns
Use them to shoot you?

All your siblings died in the war
Just you and your baby sister left.
You crossed oceans
To feed your family
Surviving mother and a little girl
Who would later be diagnosed
With multiple sclerosis

What kind of father you must've been
Women always let you down
Wouldn't walk your own daughter
Down the isle
It wasn't proper, pregnant and all
That boy is no good anyway.

That boy is my father
And for all intents and purposes
You were right
"She never told me what he did to her"
Yeah I know, I wouldn't have
Told my father either.

Still haven't told my father
And I don't think I'll bother anyway.
But no matter how torn
My relationship is to my father
And how many times he let us down
In all aspects,
I still hear your voice,
I still remember your scent
I still know your laugh

Grandfather said
Don't fight with your sisters
I'm old, I won't be here
To look after you for long.
My heart's giving up
All you have is each other,
Take care of one another.

You said that after all the money
Is spend and gone
Don't count on an inheritance
Your father's companies are sold or bank rubbed.
There's nothing left for you.
You may never be rich
But you'll always be intelligent.

We sat together you and me
You smelled like the pipe
And I wore my pink summer dress
You asked me questions
Taught me wisdoms
You made a philosopher out of me.
Let that be my inheritance from you.

He never hit me
She said and we believed it
Okay, that's fine
Relief and gratitude
It wasn't that bad...

Am I going crazy?
I remember the arguements...
And the black eye...
I remember them fighting
And the red marks on her cheeks

"My baby girl won't talk to me"
"Mom that's not your fault"
"I protected her
He was trying to hit her
She was just a child.
She went to hide under the chair"*

Speaking of the places we used to hide
The closet, under the table, behind the couch,...
Stop yelling
He came home drunk
And I went to sit on his lap
He pushed me on the floor.

She never snitched on him...
Her lips sealed tight
She never said a word...

Maybe it's not so bad
If they just break up now
It's been ages and she is unhappy.
Yet somehow I feel like
Her problem isn't her relationship.
She is creating this within herself
God knows I've been there
That the first *** after a long relationship
Really does your body good
But after a few you just need to admit
That it isn't taking you anywhere...

But then she said it...

sometimes you just need to **** each other up until you learn to respect each other and then try again

Yeah. Maybe that's been the point all along.

I could swear I put them in my bag
The cigarettes, filthy habit.
No can do and she's getting on my last nerve.
The sister, who's singing on street...
God I wish she stopped doing that.

Well **** it, I'm not encouraging this.
I turned to leave, night shop it is.
As I walked down the road
A boy walked to my direction
He was well build
Traditionally handsome
He was kicking his football as he went.

I watched his feet work
He nudged the ball my direction
It rolled right on to my feet.
I quickly stepped over it
And he smiled at my surprise.
Actually it was more like a smirk.
Almost like he was challenging me.

kick it back

I laughed and kept walking
How come that I don't respond
When a guy does the exact thing
I would've done.
Play around as a means to court another.
It was an excellent flirt
But I guess I'm not equipped that way anymore...

Taxi-light.