THE SNOW IS FALLING FAST
THAN I CAN CATCH IT.
YOU BROKE THE DOOR HANDLE ON MY HEART AND THEN PUT YOUR MUDDY FEET ON MY COUCH.
YOU LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON AND THE STOVE, HOT TO THE TOUCH. ******* YOU, I AM BURNING FROM THE INSIDE OUT, BUT IT WOULDNT FEEL LIKE HOME WITHOUT YOU.
YOU BECAME A PERMANENT FIXTURE: THE FIREPLACE TO MY COLD HOMELESS HEART. I COULD NOT TEAR MYSELF AWAY. I'D TURN BLUE WITHOUT YOU; I THINK YOU'RE MY AIR. I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO FROM HERE. MY HANDS SHAKE FOR YOU, ACHE FOR YOU, AND I AM SO LONELY.
EVEN IF YOU WERE HERE YOU'D BE GONE; THAT'S WHY I DON'T BOTHER CALLING.
YOU KISSED ME GOODNIGHT ONCE MY FRESHMAN YEAR, AND LEFT ME TO ROT IN THIS FLESH WHILE YOU SILENTLY TURNED SILVER INTO GOLD.
YOU MELTED MY HEART JUST TO LEAVE IT IN A PUDDLE FOR ME TO SLIP IN ON MY WAY OUT THE DOOR.
I CHASED TAIL LIGHTS THAT I THOUGH WERE YOURS. AS IT TURNED OUT, IT WAS ONLY A STRANGER STARING BACK AT ME WITH SCARED, PITYING EYES. I LEFT WITHOUT A WORD.
YOU MADE MY BLOOD TURN FROM SACRED TO TAINTED AND I CANNOT SACRIFICE ANYMORE OF MYSELF TO YOU. I AM SHAMBLES OF THE PERSON I USED TO BE.
YOU LOOK AT ME WITH EYES OF DISGUST AND ANGUISH AND I CANNOT TEAR MY WRISTS OPEN TO GIVE YOU MORE BLOOD BECAUSE ITS NOT FLOWING ITS ALL STUCK IN THE HEART THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR BACK POCKET. IM SURPRISED YOUR JEANS DONT LOOK RUSTED FROM ALL THE IRON STAINS DRIED IN THEM.
BOY, YOU'VE GOT A PRETTY SMILE, BUT I CAN SEE THE MESS UNDER YOUR DARK CLOTHES AND SOFT EYES; YOU HAVE A ****** MESS WHERE YOUR HEART SHOULD BE. YOU'RE JUST AS HURT AS ME. RIBS SLUNG ABOUT, CLOTTED WOUNDS, BUT YOU ARE HERE, ARMS OPEN, WITH THAT DEADLY SMILE READY TO CONTINUE THE CYCLE OF PAIN WITH ME.
BY GOD, YOURE JUST LIKE CIGARETTES. JUST LIKE ******* NICOTINE HAS ME ADDICTED, I CANT GET ENOUGH OF YOU. YOU TAINT ME IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE AND ALL MY FRIENDS CAN SEE IT BUT ME. YOU COULD SPARE MY LIFE BUT I DONT THINK I WANT YOU TOO. YOU HAVENT EVEN LEFT MY BED AND MY EPIDERMIS SCREAMS YOUR NAME.
I FIND TRACES OF YOU EVERYWHERE, YOU ****. I'VE STORED YOUR KISSES IN THE DIPS OF MY COLLARBONES, AND ALL THE WORDS YOU WHISPERED TO ME THOSE NIGHTS ALONE ARE ENGRAVED IN MY SKIN. I THINK I HATE YOU FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME.
BUT I HATE ME MORE BECAUSE I LET YOU STAY. THE SAD TRUTH IS THOSE LIES YOU POURED INTO ME ARE THE ONLY THINGS THAT KEEP ME WARM AT NIGHT WHILE YOURE AWAY. DONT YOU DARE WALK AWAY FROM ME YOU NEED ME LIKE I NEED YOU. AS I AM DEPENDENT UPON YOUR KISSES YOU ARE DESPERATE FOR MY SANITY AND CLARITY AND GOD ******* ****** MY BODY.
WE ARE MAGNETS AND CHEMICALS; WE ARE NEEDLES AND HEROINE. I NEED YOU. YOU MAKE ME FEEL GOOD, BUT SO WRONG LATER. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN THE FINGERPRINTS YOU LEFT ON MY BARE HIPS FADE?
YOU THOUGHT SOMEONE ELSE COULD TAKE YOUR SPOT BUT UNDERNEATH THIS OUTER LAYER OF ME LIES YOUR NAME RIGHT NEXT TO 'PROPERTY OF' AND THE STACK OF RAY BRADBURY BOOKS THAT JUST KEEPS GROWING, SOMEWHAT LIKE YOUR EGO, NOTHING LIKE YOUR MIND. I SHOULDVE LET YOU DROWN IN THAT LAKE IN THE SEVENTH GRADE BUT YOU SCREAMED LOUD AND MY CONSCIOUS SCREAMED LOUDER
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY WHEN YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME? I CAN'T SAY 'I LOVE YOU TOO,' BECAUSE I HATE TALKING TO YOUR WALL OF A BEING. WE NEVER SPEAK: YOU LIE, AND I PLAY ALONG. I COUNTED EVERY SCAR ON MY BODY ALL SO I COULD KEEP TRACK OF THE ONES YOU MAKE.
YOU STARTED WITH KNICKS ACROSS MY THIGHS WHERE YOU DUG YOUR FINGERS INTO MY SKIN; I WAS TOO IN LOVE TO CARE.
THE GUARDS AROUND YOUR HEART SHOT ME IN THE FOREHEAD EVERY TIME I GOT CLOSE AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS LOVE I DONT KNOW IF I WAS WRONG OR NOT BUT GOD DID IT FEEL GOOD WHEN YOU'D SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOUD MISS ME WHEN ID LEAVE.
I NEVER HAD TO TEACH ME ABOUT YOURSELF; I KNEW YOU LIKE A LOST LANGUAGE. I THOUGH LOVE WAS A LOST ART ALL ITS OWN BUT THEN I MET YOU AND SAW IT WAS VERY MUCH ALIVE, BUT VERY DIFFERENT.
AS MUCH AS I THINK I KNOW YOU I DONT, YOUR LIKE LATIN AND GERMAN ALL IN ONE. THEY SAY FRENCH IS THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE BUT IF THATS TRUE IM ****** BECAUSE IM IN SPANISH 2. MAKE SURE YOU SHARPEN YOUR TEETH BEFORE BITTING DEEP INTO ME. I WANNA SEE THE BLOOD WHILE IT SPILLS OUT
MAKE A NEST OUT OF MY STERNUM -- EAT ME WHOLE. I WANT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. DARLING, YOU'RE LOOKING QUITE PALE.
JESUS CHRIST YOUR DARK HAIR AND PALE SKIN REMIND ME OF THE VAMPIRE THAT YOU ARE, YOU **** EVERYTHING GOOD OUT OF MY BODY WITH HUNGRY EYES AND A THIRSTY SOUL. I WISH YOU WOULD LEAVE VUT I CANT BREATHE WITHOUT YOU AND MY ABDOMEN PAINS ME WHEN YOU LOOK TO HARD AT SOMEONE ELSE
I CHANGED MYSELF TO BE WHAT YOU WANTED AND YOU STILL CAST ME ASIDE. IT ONLY MADE ME TRY HARDER.
THE WIND HISSED HARD THAT NIGHT BUT MY WINDPIPES, GOD MY WINDPIPES SCRATCHED A TUNE SO VIVID, THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD GOT A DEPICTION OF WHAT I WANTED.
I STOPPED TALKING AFTER THAT. I WAS SILENT FOR A YEAR. I WANTED TO SEE IF THE SILENCE WOULD BETRAY YOUR SECRETS, THE ONES I SO DESPERATELY WANTED TO HEAR.
BUT THEYRE MORE STUBBORN THEN YOU ARE. IF THERE WERE PLACES FOR THE SILENT GAME YOU BE CROWNED KING 10 YEARS RUNNING. YOUR KISSES ARE MUCH LESS BITTER BUT ONLY AFTER BEING DROWNED IN WHISKEY AND STALE BREAD
I LOVED THAT TASTE. IT REMINDED ME OF HOME: THE HOLE YOUR ARMS MAKE WHEN YOU HOLD ME. I COULDN'T EVER LET YOU GO.
EVEN IF I TRIED TO LEAVE NOBODY WOULD WANT THIS BROKEN DOWN SHACK I CALL A BODY. YOURE LIKE LIQUID NITROGEN, NO SMELL BUT IF I TOUCH YOU ITS BURN MY FINGERS OFF.
NOTHING SEEMS RIGHT. I CAN'T SEE YOU ANYMORE I CANT FEEL YOU YOUVE GONE AWAY
I KNEW THIS WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN EVEN THOUGH WE WERE BOUND BY THE BOND OF LOVE YOU WERE A MASTER OF DISGUISE AND I WAS A FOOL
I WAS WILLING TO PLAY THE GAME THAT I KNEW I WOULD LOSE -- THIS IS ALL FOR YOU
it was only ever for you
I can not fathom doing things for myself
they don't turn out very nicely
they end in me lying on the bathroom floor
kissing my bruised knees and crying out the gods wondering who's even real.
i wish i knew what to say, what to do, to be okay again, but i don't. i'm drowning in pools of things i never said to you; they just slip out of my mouth, silently. i've never been so scared in my life.
A collab by a close friend Kristen and I.