sometimes there are these places in my head
I can see them so clearly just like the raindrops on my windowpane
they are faraway places
they remind me of a time that never existed
and I know that if I find these places
that is when I will be happy
that is when I will find home
I see flat, grey buildings overlooking empty roads
the sky is the brightest shade of blue and it makes your eyes hurt, your heart hurt
flapping clotheslines
I want to run to this place as fast as I can
I want to close my eyes and be small again
see nothing, know nothing except what is right here, right now
I see this place and almost
it feels like I am there right now
and I can hear the steel guitar and the faraway traffic sounds
my home, my childhood home
nobody understands

something about it was strange
the way you looked at me
so pensive. perplexed. curious. concerned.
hurt.
is something wrong?
as you drew back, away from me
the shifting weight of your body on top of mine, hot and damp with your sweat
i don't know
you smiled and something in your smile revealed a side of you i have never seen before
let me take care of you
is what you said as you slid your finger inside of me
it felt sharp and painful
why do i feel so far away from you right now?
is what i asked myself and i crossed my arms over my ******* and it confused you, hurt you
i want you
i tried to kiss you but my thoughts were racing
i am so tired
the flickering glow of the candle above your bed gave me solace
i turned my face up towards its light
it was so dark in your bedroom but your face was glowing, smiling at me
i am so sorry, baby
i wish i could tell you why

the sun is rising through the cracks in the shutters
the sky is purple and yellow and blue
i'm so tired that i'm shivering
sweating
pain in my stomach, pain in my back
my forehead is against your shoulder and i wonder if you're asleep
i feel frustrated
why has the day begun so soon?
i close my eyes again and match my breath to yours
i wish you were awake too
i'm lonely


fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck there are so many ******* people in this ******* world and i can hear them outside and in my head and on the other side of this paper thin wall. so many ******* sounds and i wish they would all drown or i would drown or anything to make them stop. I am watching you sleep and I ******* hate you because you see and hear nothing. you're so far away and so beautiful. I miss you.so many of us consuming the rotting flesh of the planet every second of our lives feasting and gorging and yet none of us even exist and nothing is important and everybody dies anyways

curled inside your arms
in the hard and unforgiving porcelain tub
dimmed lights
loud, shrieking voices past the locked bathroom door
I feel so safe with you

you look at me with your calm and bloodshot eyes
drooping eyelids and lazy smile
I lie against you and pretend to sleep
you say you're so amazing
my heart beat slows
my socks absorb a pool of lukewarm water
I am healing

the sun is going down again
in the backseat of your car, I'm watching it disappear behind the trees
frosted windows
your hands are like warm water over my cold and rigid bones
warmth
the sweet, growing smile that wakes me up every morning
I kiss it and feel myself begin to melt
sh...
the secret that I'm hiding inside the deepest place in my heart
you know, the one that changed my life
and that I'll keep so safe for you
because it makes me feel like I'm at home with you
even when I'm sick and shivering in the early morning darkness
the moment I feel your eyes on me
I have never ever been so happy

time makes me hurt
when I remember that so much of it has passed
please don't let go of me
please
when I'm with you, life is in slow motion and the lights and sounds fade like I'm in a dream
But I'm so awake
let's keep each other awake
so that time is never lost
I love you too much to lose a single moment

there are five of us, shivering at the side of the house
passing two joints around
raindrops floating to the ground like tiny stones
fading into my clothes, illuminating the ends of your hair
you hold the glowing joint to my lips
I close my eyes, pull hard
your face becomes lost in my smoke and I laugh
we all laugh
your arms are so tight around my shoulders, your calloused fingertips on my back
im so happy
you draw in December air
My lips around your open mouth, stealing your smoke
You smile at me with your glittery, hopeful eyes
*come, come with me

there are five of us, shivering at the side of the house
passing two joints around
raindrops floating to the ground like tiny stones
fading into my clothes, illuminating the ends of your hair
you hold the glowing joint to my lips
I close my eyes, pull hard
your face becomes lost in my smoke and I laugh
we all laugh
your arms are so tight around my shoulders, your calloused fingertips on my back
im so happy
you draw in December air
My lips around your open mouth, stealing your smoke
You smile at me with your glittery, hopeful eyes
*come, come with me