Not sure what it is
I'm not sure when or how it happened
But I know I can't get you of my mind
Is it the first time I saw those eyes, with those gorgeous thick eyebrows
Or the first time I saw that beautiful smile
Heard that beautiful laugh
Or it how I got intimidated by you and your beauty, that I started babbling just to hide it

Is it how you laughed at my stupid "I'm loving it" McD joke, lol
Or how you carried the conversion so well it felt like we knew each other all our lives
Maybe it's how you shared your taste of music with me, or your favorite book
Or it's how you let a stranger you just met, watch your peacefully sleep on the couch
Ncooh, you were so cute

Or is it how you told me your life story of how you almost died in a car crash, and how glad I was you didn't
Or how attentively you listened to mine and how scared you were when I told you about my near death experience

Probably was the way you were so appreciative of my little gifts, like that cute pillow, or your favorite lily's
Felt like sending you everyday just to get that reaction
Haven't forgotten the promise to send you flowers at least once or twice a year, or tell you how beautiful you're every so often, even though I didn't keep it
You even probably forgot about it

Or is it how you admired my little spare time lockdown paintings,
How you constantly reminded me how good I am, even though I didn't feel the same
Or is it how it made me feel when I saw it hanging on your mom's wall
It meant everything

Maybe it is those random long calls at all hours of the day
Those giving me advice type of calls
By the way, thanks for helping with my little sister's self esteem, it meant the world to me, hope to repay it some day.

Or maybe it was those late night video calls
Those "watching you fall asleep" video calls
I definitely think it was those times you prayed with me
Never felt like that with anyone else before
Not sure what it is, but one thing I know for sure,

Either way, I think I fell in love with you
And I'm not loving It

It’s me, Your 29 year old self. Listen;
Life is a wonderful journey. You meet a lot of people, experience a lot of things and learn a lot.
I kinda like the person you grow up to be. But there are some choices I think you could make a little different.

You were born in the house of prayer. Your grandfather was a bishop. So the first thing is, always make God your first priority. Involve prayer in everything you do and you will succeed.
Don't seek wealth, but seek Wisdom and Understanding. Remember "Ukuqala kobulumko, kukoyika uYEHOVA." The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom.

Growing up have a lot of challenges, one of which is brought by the company you keep. It’s normal to meet a lot of people and become friends. But one thing you don't have to do is to try and change who you are just to impress them. "...Do not be deceived: Bad company corrupts good morals... 1Corinthians 15:33"
So beware of the people you call your companions. If you wanna be successful, walk in the company of successful people.

You have one of the greatest characteristics. You are kind, too sweet I might add, You Trust easily, and too honest for your own good. People will realize this and try to use them against you, or take advantage of you. Don't let them. But look, these characteristics are what makes you, you. Don't ever change them for no one. Not even a woman you love. Only real people in your life will accept and acknowledge them without trying to change you. Rather be hated by the world, than God. Remember, who is loved by the world, is despised by the Heavens.

You will grow up to be a good looking fella. You are gonna love and get heart broken. But don't close yourself up on love because of a few heart breaks, it’s just a lesson we all have go through. "Let Love and Faithfulness never leave you; bind them on your neck, write them on the tablet of your Heart...Proverbs 3:3"
Never forget these words.

Money isn’t everything. It sure gets you all the finer things in life. It gets you a few fake friends as well as a lot of girls. But anything that can be bought by money can easily be replaced and well, people are all not real.

If you are 8 years old now, guess u must be in Grade 3. Remember in my life. I had a bad car accident before November exams, and due to that I couldn't write. But you know what; I had already passed due to the year mark. Now that's how smart you are.
You have the potential and ability to be whoever and whatever you want. You are going to dream of big things. I know in your age you dream of becoming an Astronaut or Pilot. You will grow up and realize you have love for numbers, and you'd want to do something extraordinary like becoming an Analytical Scientist or Professor in Mathematics. Don't give up on that dream. Follow it no matter how impossible it seems.
I chose the easy way out, the safe way.

You have to get out of your comfort zone. Do things that you wouldn't normally consider doing. Take the risks, take the dive. Remember, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7"

From the day you were born your mother knew you would grow up to be something great. You have a potential to do anything. Your mom is great. She'll be your rock, your pillar, your source of strength, your shelter from any storm. She got your back.
Now, make her proud.

This is probably the last letter umma wite to you
But as I'm drafting this letter, I'm left with a lof of thoughts
And somehow, I feel like everyone is judging me
Everyone thinks I'm pretending
I don't know why, because

No one could understand the pain I feel
The tears I've held back
No one could understand the heartache
The confusion
The questions with no answers
The dissapointment in myself
In everyone else

No one understands the hate I feel
The rage burning inside my heart

I blame everyone
I blame the world
I blame myself

Busy thinking about my mom's prayer
She asked God why didn't He take us instead
Her biological children
Because maybe people wouldn't judge her so much
Maybe she would've felt like she was a better mother
Because to her it seemed like only the children she adopted were being taken away
Maybe I don't know
You know how much that broke my heart?
You know how much it hurt to hear that?
How much tears I had to hold back
It hurt worse because I understood

Your death got my extended family members branding my mother a bad mom
A witch, some a murderer
It on the upside showed me how much you were loved
How many people came to see you off
It showed me how much an angel you were to other people,
To your school mates, to your friends
It also showed me blood ain't ****
Showed me all the wolves in the family who were in sheep clothing
It devastated me more, revealing the person I trusted and loved the most, wasn't who I thought it was

But most of all it hurt my mom dearly
And hurt me dearly
I didn't expect the hurt would be gone in a week, but I didn't expect it would hurt even more each day

I know these are just words on a piece of paper, or a smartphone notepad
You probably won't see a thing
But I think this is my healing process
This is me trying to let you go
I might not know the right way to,
But believe me I'm trying

This somehow still feels like a dream
And I'm hoping I will wake up soon

But anyway
I'm letting you go now, but not letting you leave
For a part of me, you'll forever remain

Yours truly
Big Bro.

I'm sitting here, alone in my thoughts
Drowning myself in alcohol trying to forget.
Trying to make sense of it all, why?
Busy re-learning the 3 W's from my Life Orientation teacher, mma Vaaltyn;
What?
When?
Why?
To be honest I don't think I need to know How, because it makes me hurt even more thinking about it

I can still see your smile.
You looked full of life,
You looked happy,
You looked...
I don't know, I'm running of words to explain how you looked because I realize now it was just a mask
You kept it on to let the world not bother you
Kept it on for your protection
I did always know that looks lie but I didn't know it meant this
I will lie to myself and pretend this doesn't hurt, but little sis it really does

What about your matric farewell?
I was supposed to drive you, remember?
What about your 21st birthday?
What about your college graduation?
What about the days at the park?
Days at Naval hill, playing, enjoying?
Last great day I had with you was at the park, Shell ultra.
We were having so much fun till my lil nephew ruined it by falling from the see saw.
I can still remeber your laugh
The poses you made while I was busy taking pictures
The conversations, the memories  

We'll, I'm on my 3rd bottle now,
I cannot even see clearly as I type this,
And I still cannot understand little sis,
Why?
What do I tell your dad when I see him in the afterlife?
What do I tell your mom too?
Did you miss them too much?
Is that it?
It that why you took your life?
You just couldn't wait to see them?
Or were you tired of this life you just had to go?

What do I tell your big sister?
She left you in the best hands she knew
How do I make her understand?
And what about your little brother?
How do I even begin to make him understand why?
What do I say it's the reason why?
Is it school?
Is it friends?
Is it the family?
Or is it me little sis?

Answer me! Can't you hear I'm talking to you?
Busy looking for an answer at the bottom of this Chivas bottle
Doubt I'm gonna get it
But where else would I get it?
Because you're not here to answer me little sis, are you?
You know you could've talked to me right?
Please wake up, I'm sorry.
Forgive me little sis,
Forgive me uncle,
Forgive me auntie.

I'm sorry I didn't spend enough time with you
Sorry I didn't call you enough
I should've seen the signs
The last Whatsapp post you posted last night was a friend who passed
Is it why?
You looked sad
I should've asked you if you're okay
Why didn't I ask you?
Why did I just read and ignore?
Maybe I could've talked you out of this
Maybe..
Just maybe
I'm really sorry.
Maybe it's my fault too...

I'm gonna miss you little sis
Death has no shame, has no fear

I guess we might never know why
Whatever it is that drove you to this point, I know you it was a valid reason for you

Sleep well lil sis
Say hi to uncle Kelos for me.
I love you
We love you
And truly miss you...

A new day has come
Yesterday left, left you all alone in your sleep
What a snake! He didn't even say goodbye, but yet
Today came with a whole lot new meaning
He wishes to put a smile on your face
Wipe all your tears away
Make all of your dreams come true
Forget about yesterday, today is here, God is here
All rooting for you to make it.
And It's a brand new day...

The day is 7th of June 2021
I'm sitting in house, going thru my phone, and a Whatsapp notification pops up,
It's my daughter in a white beautiful gown, in the arms of another man.
The message attached read,
"It was my wedding yesterday and..."
Wait what? I hit Pause.

How come I wasn't invited?
I'm her father, how could she?
These are all the thoughts crossing my mind
I'm heart broken, shattered, ******
My daughter married without me?

Rewind 27 years ago..
The day is the 6th of Jan 94
We laying in bed giggling
Then I suddenly hear the words, "we need to talk"
I start sweating, thinking about everything I might've done wrong
I'm shaking, I'm worried, I'm frozen
"I'm from the doctor today. We are expecting, and it's a girl", she says
My heart start pumping, emotions overwhelm me
I'm happy, worried, mad
"Wow! I'm gonna be dad.
How am I gonna support her?
Why didn't she use morning after pills?"
Oh boy, so what now?

For the man I am, I start making promises
"Babe, I will always be here for you and her.
Every birthdays, the first steps, and the first falls.
The first laughs and the first tears. I will be there.
I will be there for the graduations, the first time she falls in love, and the first heart brake.
I will be there when she gets her first job, and I will be there when she buys her new house.
I'll be there when she decides to get married, and I will be there to walk her down the isle."

I will protect her, protect you.
I will love you always.
I will never leave you
All this promises and I start to sound like Mariah Carrey singing 'I'll Be There'
But the truth is, when it mattered the most, I was Never There.

Fast forward 27 later, and not a single promise I kept
Well, at least not all of them
Because I was always there, only not for them, but for my new family I left them for
I was there everytime my new wife chased me out because I lost my job, and like good hearted people my ex family and daughter were, they welcomed me to stay.
After that, I still left everytime I got a new job.
I was there for all the birthdays, only not my daughter's.
I was there for her first heartbreak, I was the cause
I was the first man ever to break her heart, and I'm afraid she never recoverd
I was there when she got her new job,
Actually to be precise, when she got her first paycheck
I was there everytime I wanted something
And I was nowhere when she needed anything
When she needed a dad,
When she needed a protector,
When she needed advice,
When she needed to be held,
And I was nowhere when she decided to get married

I don't know what I was expecting
Maybe I thought she'll call me
I thought she'd invite me
But how could she, when all I did was to make her lose trust in any man

The message continued..
"I wanted you to know,
I finally found a man now dad
A man who loves me like you should have
A man who protects me
A man who is always there for me
A man who showed me what it is to be everything you never were
He is not perfect, but he never left me either
A man I'm happy to call my husband "

"And you know what? I forgive you. I forgive me.
Even though you're the first man to ever break my heart, I still love you dad.
I hope you enjoy your life with your new family.
So long."

Message ended.

Isn't it funny how the world has changed?
They used cover their bodies in proper clothing and confidently display their natural hair and skin.
Now they burry their face in makeup and hide their natural hair with weaves but wear close to nothing, and call it "being confident in your skin."

Flowers bloom, flowers blossom
Eventually turn to leaves
Leaves grow, turn green
And leaves eventually die away
Leaves eventually fly away
Its their due Season
Its the circle of life

Nothing in this life is permanent
Everything has an expiry date
Everything has a due date
Good or bad
Gold or black
Like my English teacher used to say
"Nothing Gold can stay"
Everything and everyone eventually changes

We sleep facing one way
We wake facing the other way
Its called change
Change is good, and change is bad
Change is necessary
Change is growth
With change comes lessons

In this life no one can stay the same
We change or adapt to change around us
You'd be shocked by how people change, but let them
It's nature
It's their time
Sometimes change isn't really change,
But an opportunity to reveal our true colors

Forgive the change in them
Forget the pain with it
Learn, grow, and adapt to it
Its the circle of life
If we don't change,
Who will?...

With all the cuts and bruises
All the scars and stretch marks
All the bumps and humps
I still love you as you are

With all the craziness
The bullyness
The over jealousness
And the never ending appetite
I love you as you are

With all your perfect imperfections
All your mistakes
All the ugly and the beautiful
The bad and the good
I love you as you are

And till death do us part
I will take you as you are

If my heart could talk, it would say
"I want to spend forever in your arms, beating only just for you"
Too bad my mind knows otherwise

Who am I?
Well, that's easy

I am the shooting star
That wish upon a star
I'm that air that blows out the birthday cake candles from the lips of that hopeful kid

I'm that first cry sound a new born makes
And I'm the first thing they see,
I am that light

I'm that sermon that goes on, and on, and on when that little kid can't wait to go home and watch soccer
I am that church momma shouting "go deeper papa"

I am that wind in the cold winter nights
And I'm that ray of sunlight as the summer season come
I am that chirping sound, that song the birds sing at the first spring light
I'm the whirlwind blowing away all the winter dry leaves
I'm that first raindrop on a child's forehead
I'm that happiness in that boy's heart

I am that voice in your head telling you yes,
I'm that chorus stuck in your head all day
I am that Star up in the sky R kelly sang about, I'm the world's greatest

I am that last few milliliters on the bottom of your beer
I am that "Thixo" sound a Coca-Cola can makes when you open it

I am that annoying alarm sound at 5am on a very cold morning
And I'm that irritating cricket sound when you want to sleep
I'm that full moon on a beautiful eclipse night

I am that reckless taxi driver in the early hours of the morning, trying to get you all early to work
I'm that missing R2 from the taxi fare

I am a mother to the motherless
A father to the nation
An aunt, a brother and a sister
I am that drunk uncle at the family gathering spilling out all the secrets
And that one random baby sleeping in one of the bedrooms that no one knows about

I am North, I am South, the East and the West
And I am all the 4 seasons of the year combined

I AM...

Dear wifey
I had a bad dream last night
I had a dream that I lost you,
I woke up screaming, sweating
And I just couldn't stop the river of tears flowing down my cheecks

I know it's funny that I haven't met you yet
But I can't live without you
The thought of my life without you feels like a never ending black hole of nothingness
Dark, cold, empty
I know we don't know each other yet but,
I pray for you more than I pray for myself
I long to see you every second you're away
It's a mission to even blink because that micro second without seeing your face, breaks my heart

I sometimes just think about you and smile
And in that little moment, I just get lost
I dissappear into another world where there is just US

It's funny I don't know your name,
Yet it rhymes with mine
If I was a poet I would write a beautiful piece just with our names
Or if could sing, I'd make a beautiful melody with only your name as the chorus and it would hit platinum sales

I know I don't know your name yet
But I sometimes find myself signing your name next time
The bank declined my loan because my ID names didn't match what I wrote
I tried to explain to her that I can't be without you even on a piece of paper
I can't believe they asked me for a marriage certificate
I told them it's not in any peice of paper because it's written in the stars
And they called the security guard on me
It's okay babe, they don't yet understand

The other day I told my mom about you
She was so happy I could see it in her eyes
She couldn't stop smiling
You're just a perfect daughter in law she never had
I still wonder why you took this long to meet
It's funny how people think you're her daughter
I remember they first day my friends saw you with my family, they thought we were related
It must be that matching soul thing that got us looking like one person

By the way, my sister hid our wedding pic
She says it brightens her kitchen
I wanted to take it but I didn't have the heart because your smile really do light up her kitchen

Okay my love, it's getting late now
I hope you arrive soon
I'm waiting to hold you and never let you go
I love you to the moon and back

Yes, I can see it now.
It's so vivid in my head I can almost taste it
After all these years
Swahili as a official language of Africa
And one currency for the whole continent
Land is for all who live in it
Agriculture is bigger than any mineral resource
Borders are just lines drawn on a piece of paper
Color is the thing of the past
Political leaders are not self obsessed cows who are self serving and only serve lies to the poor for supper, empty promises for breakfast and tax burdens for lunch
A Africa where being an African and proud is something to be celebrated daily, not just a show-off play dress up thing once a year
A green Africa where more trees are planted quicker than their cut down
Green energy is embraced
Churches are open shelters for the homeless
Teaching is a respected profession
Every child goes to school
And no child crosses a lake and walk 5km to school
Schools actually nurture kids talent and don't just train them to be working slaves
Private and Public schools, clinics, hospitals or anything else are held at the same standard
Men actually take care of their children and baby mamas
A CEO is given a same respect as the Janitor
Corruption is no more
**** is legal
Pigs are flying and...

Wait, Pretty obvious I'm high right now
There's no way corruption will end
Well, there goes my joint.

Words don't mean jack to me no more, only actions does
No sweet nothings will work, only actions will
No romantic poems will work too, only actions will
No love song you can sing will convince me otherwise, only your actions will
You can say you love me to the stars and back,
You can even promise me the world, and I'd still won't believe a thing
Even your tears don't move me no more,
Only way to convince me, it's through your actions
Show me, so that I know it's real
Because baby, Talk is cheap..

I'm looking for that person who told you it's okay to slaughter a cow but not a cat
And who told you slaughtering a goat was evil
Who told you that only cows and sheep should be eaten
That person who told you cow milk was "healthier" than your moms breast milk
Who told you the Bible was superior to the Quran
Who told you Silasi, Buddha, Mahommed, Krishna & Christ were different
Who said African ancestors were evil and English ones weren't

I'm looking for that person who told you mordern medicine was better/different from traditional medicine
Who told you cannabis was a drug
Who told you English was a sign of intelligence, and illiteracy shown you were 'stupid'
Who told you education makes you wise

I want that person who told you being 18 means you're old enough to vote, drink, get married, etc Why not 13?
Who told you a woman's place is in the kitchen and a man's in the garden
Who told you that you have to wear specific type of clothes

And who the hell told you white skin was better looking than melanin?
The person who told you you gotta bleach your beautiful melanin skin, burn you hair, speak a foreign language, to fit in
Who told you my dreadlocks were 'unprofessional' and untidy, and your silky hair wasn't?
Give me that person who told you "thick" was better than "skinny"
Who told you big bums are sign of beauty

I want the person who told you 'traditional' wedding is not legal but 'white' is
That person who told young people it's Okay to respect elders
Who told them it's okay to disrespect tradition
And that person who told you you can't change tradition

I want that person who took your ability to think for yourself
Wo took your ability to reason, research, read

Bacause all I see is a lot of dead fish flowing with the river

You want to know what's unfair?
Unfair is having diagnosed with pulmonary tuberculosis at the age of 22 despite never having smoked a single cigarette your entire life.
Unfair is having to take 3 months unpaid leave because you're "not safe" to be around anybody.
What's not fair is the inability to walk 5 steps to the kitchen without running out of breath.
What's not fair is the never ending painful coughs at night and having neighbours complaining.

You know what's unfair?
Unfair is losing half of your lung in a battle you never started.
What's unfair is hearing your family members talking behind your back claiming you have Aids, despite never been with a woman before.
What's unfair is fighting so hard to get back on your feet, to get back to full recovery only to get the news that you are now diagnosed with Bronchitis;
Hearing that you will never be able to run like you used to.
That you will never be able play soccer again.

What's unfair is the constant fear that follows after.
The fear that no girl would ever want you.
The constant fear that you might never be able to satisfy any girl.
The fear that, what if you get someone sick despite being 100% cleared?
Now that is unfair.

Unfair is whilst other people take few days to heal from cold and flue, you have to take weeks of antibiotic treatment, just to rid off the same cold.
What's unfair is people constantly thinking your TB is back everytime that cold starts.
Unfair is constantly having to explain why you breathe so heavily.
Unfair is always trying to act "normal"
You really wanna know what's unfair?
Unfair is having your brother lose the battle against the same TB you won against 3 years ago.
What's unfair is having him leave behind his 3 year old with no one.
What's unfair is that you didn't choose any of this.

And Unfair is writing all of this with a broken heart and a tear rolling down my cheek, because this is a true story.
It's My story. And regardless, I'm Still here.

What do you say to someone who has just lost everything?
You can't say you understand what she's going through because you'd be lying.
You can try to say Sorry, but that won't bring back what they lost.
You can't just ignore it, because it's tearing you apart.
You can stay quiet, but won't be able to hold the tears.
So what do you say?
What do you do?
Do you hold her?
Do you read her a scripture? That's if you can hold the tears long enough for you to read.
What do you do?

All you can think about is What If?
What if you spent more time with him?
What if you were a better friend?
What if you played one last Fifa 18 game with him?
Just that one last shot.
One last Goal.
One Last penalty miss.
One last cheer.
One last scream.
One last laugh.
What if you grabbed just one last Heineken beer with them?
Just what if?

What if you where in that car with him?
You know scientists say just one small change in a time line could alter the future events.
Maybe you were supposed to be in that vehicle with them.
Maybe everything would still be normal by now.
Just maybe.

Just when everything was going right in his life.
When he just got married.
When he just got a baby girl.
So what do you say now to the widow?
What do you say to this grieving mother?
What do you say to this few days old baby girl?
What do you say?
What can you say?

I'm not my eyes, not my face, not my smile. I'm not my legs, or my hips, or arms. I'm not my weight. I am not My Body.

And just like any vessel, I would one day leave this body, and I will live forever.

Because what I am, is far beyond appearance.

If there's ever one thing in this world that is not in sync, it would be a woman's brain and mouth. The mouth could say one thing, and mean a totally different thing
And the hardest job a man could have in this world is trying to decipher everything a woman says.
Believe you me I tried. Still couldn't get it right.
Algebra is way easy compared to this
Deciphering a mos code from the Russians is way easier.

See, I couldn't keep up with your actions and your words, believe you me I tried
You said one thing, and did the other
I'm sure you must understand when I say I don't really believe you when you say you still love me
When you say you still want to spend the rest of your life with me
When you say you need me back in your life
How can I trust anything you say
Because you keep on doing the exact opposite
You can't say you love me and entertain other ****** behind my back
You can't say you need me, when you have 4 other guys on your speed dial
You can't say you want me back, when you the one who gave up on us
When you the one who left
How do you expect me to believe you?

You leaving gave me an actual chance to go back and study every sign you gave and I ignored
And believe you me, it doesn't look good
It's like I was suffocating you
You told me to let you go, but when I actually did, you got mad at me, told me I never cared
Tell me, how was I supposed to stop you from leaving if I already done that 5 times before?
Why get mad at me, when all I did was abide by your instructions
Remember when I bought you that Jean jumpsuit form YDE, you told me I shouldn't because you never wear it, but you were all smiles, so u bought it anyway
And I was later to learn that you meant it when you said you weren't goona wear it, because you never did
So I learnt from that day that when you say something you mean it
See now why I did what you asked, and let you go?
Hope your next one understands you way better than I did

I thought maybe I owed you an explanation why I Can't come back to you
Why I won't be yours again
No, it isn't because I don't love you anymore
It isn't because I don't trust you no more
It isn't because you fell in love with another guy
It isn't because letting you go doesn't hurt
Because believe you me, this pain is unbearable
But the reason I'm letting you go,
The reason I'm doing what you asked
The reason I'm never coming back to you, is because you left.
You gave up on us.
It's because even after 4600 pictures and 3 years of being together, you still doubt my love for you.
You still don't know if you want to be with me.
Forgive me but I can't settle for unsure,
Hence it's why I gotta let you go..

She said she needed space
She needs some time to herself
To reflect, to think about things, to see
To see if she still needs you
To convince herself she still cares
To show herself she can live without you
She needed to explore other avenues
To see what she might be missing out
She doesn't need you, at least that's what she told herself
She doesn't wanna depend on you no more
She wants to test the waters outside, without you
She made up her mind
But did she even bother to consider your feelings?
All she seems to care is about her feelings
She played you again, didn't she?
And here you thought you are finally gonna get the courage to ask for her hand
It's okay, she will come back to you

I can't believe this!
She said she only needed time apart
She said she only needed some space to be herself
She didn't mention running towards any guys arms
She forgot to say "space's" real name is John
How could've you been so dumb?
How could she do this to you?
You trusted her
It's all okay, you have got to move on
Let the sun shine upon you once more

One day you will move on, and she'll get hurt outside
She'll run back to you with her tail between her legs saying she made a mistake
That she misses you,
That you are the one for her
She suddenly sees the value of you in her life

It's only because it didn't work out outside
Only because the grass wasn't greener
Only because she misses all the attention you gave her
All those long phone calls
All those play fights, and real fights
Only because her other guys don't see what you saw in her

It's only because someone else saw in you, what she didn't all those years
Only because you've healed form the heartache she caused
Only because you don't care no more
Only because you're happy again
Only because she is not the one saying "I do"
It's only because now she realize,
She played herself...

You know my name,
My background, my roots
You know my clan name
You know my family, my culture
You know my beliefs
You know my favourite colour
My favourite food
My favourite sport
My hobbies
My favourite music
My likes and dislikes
You know my goals, my dreams
You know what makes me tick
Yet, you don't know my Soul

You know all my allergies
You know all my so called flings
All my past relationships
You know all my friends
You know my favourite beer
You know what makes me smile
You know what makes me mad
And you even know my payslip

You know I don't like my pizza with pineapple
Lol, and you know I hate Amasi with sugar
You know my favourite soccer team
And you know I prefer Messi over Ronaldo
You know between left and right I'd go right
Between up and down I'd always look up and I won't go down
And you know between you and her I'd always choose you
But, you still don't know my Soul...

After all the times we spent together
All the memories we shared
The countless number of pictures we took
Making those funny faces
All those not so funny jokes we shared
All the movies we watched together
The ice cream we ate
The shopping we did
The kisses we shared
After all the fights and fun we had
The tears and smiles
All the intimate conversations we shared
The childhood stories
All the dark secrets about each other we revealed
And after all the love we made
You still never knew me...

Things might be sour now
Things might've not worked out the way
Tears might be running down my cheeks
Heart might be broken into pieces
Rains might cease to pour
Sun might rise West set to East
Days might not be the same

We might not be the same people who fell in love but I'm a better person better because I got to know love, I got to know you

We might someday move on
You might someday be independent
Even after all the "might's"
One thing will forever remain

...You still the one I think about before I sleep.
You still the woman I think about when I wake.
You still the person I'd smile for no reason when I hear Ur name.
You still the most beautiful woman I've ever known.
You still the woman I'd marry in a blink of an eye;
Runaway with and live "happily ever after”, wait, this is no Fairy Tale.
..But, you still the woman I'd risk everything to be with.
You still the woman I'd want my babies to have her eyes.

You still the one for me
You'll still forever in my heart remain
And I'm still in love with you...

Dearly beloved,
We are here today for a bit of bad news
This is one of the hardest goodbyes
Oh, death not be proud

Here rests our beloved
He was the most spirited
The funniest
The bravest

We had a good run you and I
We have some great deal of memories
All the good times we shared,
I will forever cherish
The laughs, smiles,
The chats and the arguments
The games we playes together
The ice creams we shared
All the advices you've given me
I will forever appreciate them

Unfortunately, this is not a Eulogy, but more of an apology
I am sorry, but I gotta let you go

See, It wasn't my intention to **** you,
but it had to be done
It wasn't easy for me either
Murdering you was not my proudest moment
But I just had to **** you

Even though we had a good run,
Made friends, even enemies
Made money
We still broke a lot of relationships
We broke a lot of hearts
A lot of trusts
You even made me a murderer now
I can't even gaze upon myself
My reflection frightens me
Because of you, I can't recognise myself no more
So, again, I am truly sorry
But I'm letting you go..

You will surely be missed.
Goodbye
My Ego, Jealousy, Envy, Hate


Forever yours
Lefa

Don't be fooled by my looks
My great fashion sense, my breathtaking smile, my clean shave
Like any borrowed piece of clothing, I just wear it sometimes, and doesn't mean I own it.
I sometimes wear it to just to fit in,
It is my Mask

I sometimes just wear it to avoid endless questions
Sometimes to avoid having to explain myself
I avoid having to deal with your false pretense
The very same fake smile and concern you'd wear pretending you care
And that small excitement in your heart when you find out I ain't doing well
I wear this mask to avoid you feeling sorry for me
I wear it to protect my pride
I wear it to protect my heart
So allow me to take my "happy Mask," and put it on

It's great for a while because oftentimes I forget it's just a mask,
and actually feel like I'm genuinely happy
But like they say, "Nothing Gold Can Stay"
The very second I leave, the mask fall away
Reality confronts me
My 2 second happiness fades
Just like a hired Prom suit, I take it back to the shop
And I don't look like a Prince Charming no more
I go back to being a Toad
I need my Mask

Wouldn't it be better if I stopped pretending?
Wouldn't it be better if I didn't wear a mask no more?
Wouldn't it be better if I wore my heart on a sleeve?
Wouldn't it be better if I could just say what I feel, how I feel?
Wouldn't it be better if I could just shed a tear without holding back?
Without being judged?
Wouldn't it also be better if I could just trust wholeheartedly without worrying?
Without worrying you gonna judge me?
It would, wouldn't it?

But until then, let me be Zorro
I have people to impress....

This is nothing new.
Kids are not the same, just as you and your neighbor or friend are not the same, so stop comparing us.
I'll admit it, generations have changed dramatically. I can try to blame technology or media or whatever the case may be, but we are not as strong as you guys were. Our physique and mental capacity are nowhere near strong as yours were.
Nowadays you can't simply chase your kid out and tell them to go defend themselves every time they get bullied. Bullying nowadays doesn't just end physically, it follows you on social media.
We die in silence because we got nobody to talk to, because we are scared of being judged by our own parents.
We not attention seekers, we just need you to get to know us. Know what we go through everyday, at home, school, work. Listen to us, dont judge. Give us motherly/fatherly love and advice.
Maybe yes, depression is a White People illness, but have you seen the stats? It's killing us too.
SAVE US!

Sincerely
# DyingInSilence

Remember the first day I came to fetch you, had no idea what was on my mind.
I had no idea what I was doing. No idea whatsoever on what to expect.
I had only seen you once prior to that. But the only thing I knew is that I had to go see you.
Didn't know where on earth you were, I had never been before, but nothing was about to change my mind.
As I got on the driveway thoughts and thoughts and feelings came rushing through my mind with no regard whatsoever that I was driving.
My heart started beating, slowly and gradually increasing.
What was I thinking? It was late; but that was not just about to stop me.
Got lost on the way, found myself deep in a foreign place to me, with no GPS nothing, but I wasn't about to turn back when I was just a whisker away.
Eventually arrived, and the moment I gazed upon you, standing there at the gate waiting, I started to tremble.
This time it was not fear but excitement.
Like I was dreaming.
You just like that agreed to come with me home.
On our way to my place I tried my all not to show any emotion, tried acting normal, but **** it wasn't easy; your beauty could easily distract a conductor off the rails. But I managed.
I touched your hand, you didn't move it.
I held it, you held mine too.
Got our fingers intertwined and sent my fever to FIVE times normal temperature.
Sent my heart to heaven and back.
Because even though I didn't have you then, I knew heavens had found the lost piece of the puzzle to my heart.
I knew I had found a Queen to My Kingdom, Our Kingdom.
And I knew what I held right there and there, I was never gonna let go.
That's the day I had you...the day I found home...

It's in the way she moves her hips
It's in the way her lips touch
It's in the way she bites her lower lip,
Oh how my world turns inside out when she does that
It's the way she says my name
In the way she whispers it, "Lefa... "
Sends shivers all over my body, goosebumps all over again

Problem is, she is taken. Unavailable

It's in the way she looks at me
All the whole new universe inside those eyes I could just get lost in
It's in the way she smiles at me
Just can't help but shy away

It's in the way she wakes all the once buried feelings,
Back from the dead with no regard whatsoever what people might say
It's in the way she makes everything around just lose sense

I know its been years but I can still feel her touch,
Soft, warm feeling

One look at her and I find myslef in high school all over again
Can still remember the very first time I laid eyes on her
Priceless, all words needed to describe her
Short stature
German-cut hairstyle
Gold earrings
Furnished with a smile
Grasshopper shoes
Short grey skirt
One hand in the pocket
Complete with the swing of her small waist when she moves
Still takes my breath away

There is still one problem, she's a taken woman

Maybe I waited a little too long
Maybe it wasn't the right time then
Is it right now?
Maybe I need a hard slap to put some sense back into me
Because right now, I'm deeply in love with a married woman
The worst problem is, I think she's in love with me too..

As I lay my head on this comfortable pillow, seemed like I have been here before
Familiar feeling as insomnia struck
I toss and turn, all thoughts and feelings overwhelm me
I had my dreams and hopes tossed and turned before, they never stood a chance in a long shot
I had my love lost, gone, and I’m still here waiting for it to return
I’ve stood and watched things for too long, when will it ever be my turn
I’m here dreaming of how my momma used to tell me “do good unto others so that they can do good unto you in return”
What I didn’t know is that the world play by no rules, abide by no laws
Left me hanging, hoping, waiting upon the world to return the favour
Reality struck, as I raise my head
“This is my time”, as I tell myself
Chest out, chin up, I beat my chest as sense of pride, sense of confidence
Time I overcome
Oh yes I’m doing no one no more favours
Time to look out for number one
I’ve trusted the world before and it spat right back at my face
Higher and higher I’m moving, climbing the tallest of ladders
Suddenly I’m at the peak
Yes, I am a leader, a role model
Momma would be so proud
Wait, all this coming true very soon
As I look down the ladder where I passed
I made no new friends, no new relationships
Yes I made it, but I realize I’m all alone
…“Ouch”; as I hit my head on the bedroom floor
Awaken I am, as I realize it was just a dream
Reality hits me in the face as I notice the lesson
‘Be kind to the world. It won’t always return the favour, but it shouldn’t mean you don’t have to try’

I want to go all in,
I want us to go with everything
No buts, no maybes, no what ifs

And baby if you wondering where that is,
Its all the way to the moon babe
To the Stars and above
To the Milky ways and the Galaxies
To the Heavens and all the Planets surrounding

All the way babe, Deep

I mean deep deep through the pores of your soft, silky, vallina skin;
Through the soft skin tissues and muscular tissues,
All the way through the veins that carry your gorgeous blood,
And through the ribcages guarding the only reason to keep me going,
And finally, through the Aorta Valves and Arteries, And Home.
The most beautiful warm place,
Most valuable, most protected, and with every Beat, keeping both of us alive. There is were I want to go.
Where I want to be.
And where I want to live forever.
Because baby, you are my forever.

Now without any delays babe,
Take my hand and I'll lead the way.

This is my letter of apology
I have a lot to apologise for, just don't know where to start
Let me start from the beggining

I'm sorry you were the most beautiful girl I have ever seen; still are
Sorry I couldn't resist but approach you
Sorry you became my pillow to lean on when I was down
Sorry you made me believe in love again when I had lost hope

I'm sorry I fell hard for you,
And sorry I made you fall hard for me too
I also apologize for proposing just afrer 2 months dating you
I know it freaked you out
I'm sorry you were the best thing to ever happen to me and sorry I messed all that up

I'm sorry for all the great nights and sorry for the sleepless nights too
I'm sorry for playing with your cute bubbly cheeks, and I'm sorry for grabbing your **** too, I just can't resist
I'm sorry if I kiss you too much sometimes
Sorry if I take you too many pictures, even though I feel they are still not enough, because baby, stars can never have enough pics

I'm sorry I play too much when you with me
Sorry I cuddle a bit too much even when it's hot
I'm sorry I don't see you enough
I'm sorry I don't call you enough
Sorry I push too much

And I'm sorry if I don't allow you to wear shorts, I know you secretly love em
Oh, and sorry for calling your pointy shoes a knife...lol, just making fun of them because I know how much you love them
Sorry if I sometimes make you wear things you uncomfortable in
But I'm mostly deeply sorry for breaking your heart again

For making you promises I couldn't keep
I'm sorry for every tear you had to shed for that, for me
I'm sorry for not treating you like you are enough, for not showing you you are everything I needed
I'm sorry for a lot other things too, but I'm not sorry I met you,

I'm not sorry I fell in love with you
I'm not sorry you fell in love with me
Because I'll forever love you...
And if I had to do it all over again just to spend one more day with you, I'd would in a heartbeat,
I just would never ever get us in this situation again,

And here I am again, On one knee
Only this time not with a ring on my hands, but my heart, begging for your forgiveness
I am sorry....

We know yoga pants were created to be worn during yoga, but so what?  
Blackberry smartphones were created as a business tool, so what?
Timberlands were created to be used as safety working boots, so what?
We know Qwerty keyboard was created 2 elimn8 typin lyk dis, so wat?
Facebook was created to Connect people not Disconnect people from the world, but so what?

We would **** use a knife as a screwdriver if we want to; and take that ****** same knife and make a sandwhich...
We make things work, we make a plan..
We do what we want with what we want where we want to.

So what if we are a little different?
So what if we don't do the same things?
So what if the hair we wear is not ours?
So what if our skin colour is a bit darker
Or soo what if we decide to bleach our skin?

So what if our clothes are a bit much revealing and leave a little to imagination;
Or so what if we walk naked down the road?
So what?...

So what if we party too much
Or drink too much?
So what if i have many ****** partners?
So what if our generation has lost repect?
So what if our generation has no morals?
So what if kids are mothering babies
And boys running from fathering responsibilities?

So what if we lost sight of what's important?
So what if all we care about is a big *****, perfect skin, eyebrows on fleek and attention?
So what if we do strange things to put bread on the table?
So what if the only key to our hearts is money?  
So what?...

We may be a lost generation,
But this is our generation... So what?

But what then would happen if we were to wake up only to realize its too late for our next generations?

What then?...

I want that typa relationship
That pinky swear typa relationship.
That "you hang up, No you hang up."
That speaking as 3rd person type of relationship. That "Lefa is not talking you." Typa relationship.
Lol, that "I'm never talking to you, I'm still mad," but yet remind me every 10 minutes that you still mad at me.
That relationship when you dead mad at me and still bring me a blanket cos I'm cold.
I want that relationship.
That "Babe how do I look?"; "Wow babe, God must've been showing off when he created you", typa relationship.
I wan't you...
You're my typa relationship.

I'm busy telling myself that we were meant to be,
but what if we were never meant to be?
What if we were just meant to meet?
Meant to share a great deal of sweet memories.
Meant to learn, to love and to move on.
What if our meant to be, was never meant to be and it cannot be?
And what it should be is for us to find peace.
Find ways to move on.
Find new faces.
Find new love.
But if that's all that we were meant to be, why is moving on feeling so impossible?
You see loving someone; it’s like holding a dove in your arms.
It might be yours but its still gotta fly.
They say if you really love it, you should set it free; and if it’s meant to be, it will be.
It will return to your arms.
You shouldn't hold on to it, and you shouldn't refuse to let it go.
What I do realize now is that I was squeezing too tight,
And all this time you were suffocating,
Praying for a gasp of fresh breath but I didn't notice,
Because all wanted was to always have you.
See now I hope you haven't lost your ability to fly,
Because what I'm doing now, is setting you FREE.
Spread your wings,
Follow the wind and chase after seasons, because you deserve to.
I find myself singing "I Could’ve, Would've, Should've" because what I Should've, was to let you go a long time ago.

It is all my fault isn't it
I kept apologizing and apologizing
And all you gave me was a hand to talk to
My words just went through one ear to the other
I was better off a mute

Could've been better if I had just let it be
Clearly you were not interested in what I had to say
You already had your mind made up
I know it won't make a difference yet,  I am sorry

I made all the excuses
Came up with all the lies
Even after all that
It still made no difference
Your mind is already made up
I am all at fault
And for that, I am sorry

How long should I apologize for you to hear my voice?
How loud should I scream for you to recogize me?
What more should I say for you to believe me?
Well, I am sorry

Even though after all this,
You went ahead and did the same, only worse
You say it's all my fault, is it?
Was there a gun to your head?
Were you just looking for an excuse to do that?
Well, you got it

Now I find myself once more apologizing
No, not apologizing to you nor what I did
I am sorry I tortured myself
I am sorry I blamed myself for your situation, for your choices
I am sorry I wasn't perfect enough
I am sorry
I am sorry for feeling sorry for myslef

I am done apologizing now,
Because, I forgive me...

They say actions speak louder than words, if so,
Why do they pearce though the skin like a sharp knife all the way to my heart?
Why isn't there any effective medication to help me heal, to help me forget.
I may resolt to alcohol or get high now and then to drown my pain,
but we know what's high gotta come down,
And as I get lower and the alcohol departs my body, so does the pain return
I remember having a bad accident when I was 8 years old, very big painful scar on my face.
Pain was both physical and emotional
But looking at me now, I forgot I ever had one
It healed
**** this hurts like hell,
Pardon for I don't really know what Hell looks like, or how Hell feels,
But if there was ever a way to describe hell, it surely would be the way I feel now

For now, I'm letting go,
Pain can't hold me hostage no more
You got no hold on me no more
I'm setting myself free..

It's all said and done
You know you can't have your words back right?
You can't unspeak them
You can't unthink them
You can't retrieve them from my ears
For they are words,
The words you have said

Don't feel sorry for me now
No time for guilt now
What's has been done, has been done
You can't tumble and drown in regrets now
You can't go back
Wipe those tears now love,
They mean less to nothing now

Life is not a Personal Computer my friend
There is no Cntr + Alt + Del,
There's no undo, the Cntr + Z
No do overs
Yes my friend, you did it
Yes buddy, you said it

Forget about the yesterday now,
You never getting it back
But you are here now
We, are here now
So what?

It did hurt like hell, Yes
Do I wish I handn't heard it nor saw it, Yes
Do I wish you'd turn back the hands of time, denitely Yes
Oh how I so wish I had Harry Porter's wand and Hocus Pokus myslef out of this
How I so wish I someone could erase my memories,
Or how I wish they can pinch me, wake me up, and say "Lefa, wake now, it was just a nightmare"

Oh well, still doesn't change a thing,
Here we are, this very monent, this very time... So what now?

I met this young lady the other day
She said, "excuse me Mister, I know I don't know you but, I can't help but wanna talk to you"
I said what's wrong? She said, "you see, the thing is, I am afraid, I am scared, I am shaken"
"What's got you so frightened little miss? "
And she said "the thing is, I am scared I am falling"
"I am falling hard and I'm scared imma get hurt"
" Your looks, fashion, sense of style, the way you conduct yourself, got me falling "
"I know it's been only a couple of seconds but I can't help it"
"Thing is, I don't wanna fall unless I'm falling for you"
"I don't wanna trip-over"
"The only trip I want to have, is a trip down memory lane with you, when we are old, reminising about the good old times we shared together"
"You see mister, I don't wanna chase nobody, unless I'm running after your heart"
"I'm terrfied of these feelings mister"
"From the very first moment you waltzed passed, my breathing pattern became irregular"
"I felt like running 100 miles while standing still"
"Is this normal mister?"
"Of course it is little miss, and like any other phase, it will pass"
"See, like you little miss I once had a crush on someone"
"She told me the same words I'm going to say to you right now"
"You prince is somewhere out there"
"The one your heart rightfully belongs to"
"The one who will treat you like a princess"
"And when that moment comes, you will know"
"But as for me little miss, I have found a my Queen to my kingdom"
"So rest easy now little miss"
"And you know what, You don't need to be scared no more"...

Feels like walking in the Garden of Eden, looking at the forbidden fruit
I know it’s tasty, might even be healthy too
It is very beautiful
It looks worth it, is it?
But having a taste comes with consequences
My world could crumble, I could feel naked, and I could lose favor
Should I refrain, just let it be?
Should I give in, take all without a second thought?
Frustrations overwhelm me
Anger, Bitterness, Courage and Discourage
I didn’t water this garden, nor plant this tree
But should I watch as some random being takes it instead?
What if he enjoys, what if he doesn’t wanna let go, or what if one bite will be enough for him and throw it in the ground to rot?
Left to be food for ants and worms
What then? What if?
What if I could have saved it, harvested it with care
Could have made the best of it
Could’ve taken the seed to grow more
Water, nourish, and watch as the fruits bloom and blossom from the seed?
What if? What then? If not,
All I’ll sing is “I could’ve, should’ve, would’ve”…
And what I wouldn’t have is the most beautiful fruit in the garden, The only fruit I was told I shouldn’t have, I couldn’t have
What if that’s exactly what I should do?
Go against all odds, and get what I want, actually what I need
It must be the hunger talking, but I think I’m ready to give in, give up, and listen to my stomach
The only fear is what if I’m the worst thing to ever happen to it? What then? …

I told you this would last forever
But I lied
I said things will never change
But I lied
I told you you were beatiful, even though I can't explain beauty
So I lied
I told you Red was a beatiful color
but who and what describes beauty?
For they say the beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder
I say it's mostly directly proportional to how you feel about a person
Excuse my mathematical jargon because I'm no Mathematician
Don't they say in the Bible that King Solom wore Purple, the color of beauty, the color of wisdom
But who am I to tell it different so, I lied
I said your skin was as smooth as silk and as beautiful as vanilla but, was it?  Was it really? I know I couldn't tell the truth so, I lied

I told you your eyes are beatiful, your eyes are big, twinkly
Maybe I lied, it was just your pupil dialating when it saw my light
I told you I could give you the world,
But the world was not mine to give to begin with, but baby its what you wanted so, I lied
I also told you the sky was green, the sea was blue, and you believed every word, I'm sorry

Maybe I lie a bit too much, or maybe just enough, or maybe that's also a lie
It's mostly to protect you

Remeber that day at the park?
I held you in my arms
The world didn't seeze to exist but us
We swore to be together for life, was it a lie
You said you're mine forever and I'm yours too, or was it also a lie?
Can't keep with the lies no more

It's lie after lie because that's all what you seem to believe
Because truth to you, seems too good to be true
I remember the day you held my hand, looked me in the eye and said, "do you still love me? "
I know I used to answer that everyday with no doubt in my mind, but that day,
The answer remained the same,
As I said proudly, "I still do babe"
Guess what?...

It's all said and done
You know you can't have your words back right
You can't unspeak them
You can't unthink them
You can't retrieve them from my ears
For they are words, the words you have said

Don't feel sorry for me now
No time for guilt now
What's has been done, has been done
You can't tumble and drown in guilt now
You can't go back
Wipe those tears now love, they mean less to nothing now

Life is not a Personal Computer my friend
There is no Cntr + Alt + Del,
Theres no undo, the Cntr + Z
Yes my friend, you did it
Yes buddy, you said it

Forget about the yesterday now,
You never getting it back
But you are here now
We, are here now
So what?

It did hurt like hell, Yes
Do i wish i handn't heard it nor saw it, Yes
Do i wish you'd turn back the hands of time, denitely Yes
Oh how i so wish I had Harry Porter's wand and Hocus Pokus myslef out of this
How I so wish I someone could erase my memories,
Or how I wish they can pinch me, wake me up, and say Baby, this was just a nightmare

Oh well, still doesnt change a thing,
Here we are, this very monent, this very time... So what now?

I know how old I am
I know how old I look
Don't be fooled by the beard on my face
Don't let my height fool you either
Just know, I am just a boy afterall

I love sports
I play with toys,
No, not the ones you have in mind
I play soccer once in a while
I might scream and shout at the TV knowing well Messi can't hear me
I still do it anyway
Because, I'm still just a boy

I have a drink with 'the boys' now and then
I act tough, I am tough
Also maybe a little soft inside
The side I never show
I hide my pain, I don't cry infront of people
Why? No, because I'm no *****
But, I am still a boy afterall

I like girls, only one I particular
She makes my heart skip a beat
I look at things I shouldn't sometimes
I make mistakes, nowhere near perfect
I lie sometimes, honest every other time
You know why,
because I'm just still a boy

And this very moment, this very place
I am just a boy, infront of a girl
Pouring his heart out
And asking her to love her...

Remember it like it was yesterday
Funny just how time pass us by
Some things we glad happened, some not
Words can never try to describe the feeling...Regrets, blames

Remember those long hours on the phone
Nothing else seemed not to matter but us
Maybe I wasn't thinking straight, maybe it was a dream..
But wait..I thought love does that to people
You just get lost into it..nothing but the two of you

Just remembering how it all began
Fairy tales couldn't justify it
Just one look, one word, one tear, one touch, just one smile changed it all
Changed the perspective of how the whole world was
Never have I set my eyes on something so perfect, something so heavenly made
It wasn't just love at first sight, it was every little prince and princesses dream

We were just perfect for each other..a match
We loved the same music, taste
My playlist took words right out of my mouth and spoke to you, and you understood
"Red pants,Blue shirt,great smile,great hair..and I with Red shirt,Blue pants,Red watch,Baseball jacket"..
Ooh yes..I still remember
And the cotton tree,,wow,how perfect
Just wonder where it all went wrong

I guess its true when they say, you never really know what you have until you lose it
See I tried my all to forget,,at least the brain did
But my heart could never forget

Things could be better, maybe not in this life but the other
Maybe I wouldn't hurt you then
Maybe you would forgive me
Maybe everything will change or maybe not...just maybe
Maybe in another life time...

I wonder I wonder I wonder
I wonder many things nowadays
I wonder if you miss me like I do
I wonder if you still care
I wonder if you ever think about me and just smile
I wonder if you share the same memories I have or was it just a dream I had alone
I wonder if you still blush when u hear my name or was it also just pretense
ι just ωση∂єя...

I wonder you still glow like I used to make you
I wonder if you ever think about what if things were different
I wonder if you ever regret the things we did
And I wonder if you are glad it happened
I just ωση∂єя...

I wonder if this was ever meant to be or if it was never
I wonder if this feeling is just temporary, just wonder if it will ever go away
I wonder if I'm the only one feeling this way
I wonder if yours hurts like mine does, or is it true when they say hearts don't break even
It got me ωση∂єяιηg...

I wonder if you still have that rose scent on your neck from your favorite perfume
I wonder if you still have twinkle in your eye
I wonder if your skin is still as soft silk
I wonder if your heartbeat still matches mine whenever you lay on my chest
I just ωση∂єя

I wonder if I ever had the choice to do anything different, would I have?
I wonder what if we met in a different place under different circumstances
I wonder then, would you still love me like you used to?
I wonder then, would you let me tell the whole world that I'm yours and you're mine?

ι ωση∂єя...ι נυѕт ωση∂єя...

Thoughts that manifest.. Multiply and breed fear..
Visions of the past, present and future merged into one.
This fear is well recognized but not well managed..
Seen a lot.. Been through a lot and will probably still do a lot..
I don't know much but for as long as I stay true to myself I will live by the words that say,
I don't wanna be that guy who uses girls because I can, or
I don't wanna be that guy who is used by girls because I have a car, a decent job
Don't wanna be that guy who ends up not growing up because I'll be busy chasing skirts
I don't wanna be that guy who ends up being alone, that guy who never really finds love again
I'm scared of being that guy.

I'm scared of karma
Scared I might enjoy
Scared I might get addicted
I'm scared of many things
Life also terrifies me sometimes
But I'm tired of being scared
Because all I wanna be..
I wanna be that guy my wife just lights up when she sees
That guy my son looks up to with pride and say, "that's my dad".
That type of guy I would want my daughter to get married to.
I wanna be that guy who has that family that works, and serves the house of The Lord.
I am that guy. I am me. And I am now not afraid.

He stands here a broken man
Shattered by his lies, deceptions, broken promises
He cheated, betrayed,
His head behind the shadows unable to reveal himself because he's ashamed
Ashamed of the man he has become
Ashamed of the little boy he has led astray
He should've been better
"I'm going to be as strong as an ox"
That's what he told his mom
He was going to be brave
He was gonna be a better man than his father ever was
He was going to get a princes, make her a queen and build her a castle with high walls and have little princes and princesses
This is how he was raised
He was raised by a queen after all
A strong woman who refused to fall
She built her own empire from the ground up alone, even daddy wasn't there
But that's how she wanted him to be, nothing like his father
He was supposed to be a protector
A man of God, a voice of wisdom
But it seems like all the wisdom he had fell on a piece of paper, but none in his head
Because if he did, he could've never had hurt her
Never lifted a finger towards her
Well, he didn't, what he did was far worse than a visible, physical pain, it was emotional
He knew it would break her, but did it anyway
You see a good boy as he thought he was, he did really found a princes
Fairest of them all, with skin as pure as silk, eyes with a glance of stars and the moon
Smile worth all of the gold in the land
And a heart of diamond
She was not only beautiful but strong, kind, loving, gentle and a beautiful heart
She reminded him a lot about his queen mother
So close to perfect she was, it was a dream
He remembered his mother's words
"Find yourself a princes boy. Introduce her to God. Treat her right, treat her like a queen. Always put her first. Respect her. Appreciate her. Value her. Stand by her. Do all this things and she will love you with all her heart. She will treat you like her king, and you will be role models to your children and they will also grow up as God fearing and full of love"
Yes, this he did, for a while at least; and he lost his way
He promised her the world
Such a sweet talker he was, he also believed himself
She was his, he was hers it was a fairy tale
All this and yet, he still hurt her
Queen mother would be ashamed
He knows his guilt, he realised his doing
Maybe a little too late
As she is shattered inside
It's impossible to put all the pieces back together now
Through all this hurt and pain, she still carries him in her spirit, in her heart
She is far better than pain,
Far better off without him, but she's still around
He knows she'll never be the same person again
She is changed
He doesn't deserve her, he never knew what he had
He's now very ashamed
He goes back behind his curtain
Afraid to show himself again
Because he's a broken man, and she is an irreplaceable diamond just reshaped
Demolished and more attractive and more expensive
Shattered no more, but a better heart