good, you're starting to get disgusted
and the double life only takes away
from the beauty of the lie.
I think tonight we are dissolving.

I wouldn't want your innocence
I only wanted to share your pain
but where is it anymore?
with nothing left to comfort
I'm filling voids in vain.

who was supposed to end up bitter here?  
because I swear it wasn't me.

I'm coming right back to the curves of your smile.

and now I'm trying to decide if I should let you in on this little week of bedridden regret.

or we can carry on, both knowing how we'll end up in that bed together, laughing as we strip.

and I can carry on already knowing my smile will be fake,  as your hand touches my hip.  

keeping your eyes on the same little scars you knew I had. without having to wonder how I got them. 

and as soon I as I can,  I'll make
my impending exit, crawl right out of your bed.  it isn't my place to stay there.  

I don't want to know if you'd miss me

and in the morning I'd take a shower, thinking of just how much you must've had to drink last night,  and how it wouldn't have happened otherwise. 

so how do I know this is going to happen already?

so what does it tell you about yourself? 
can you see your future in the fogged up mirror
I used to write your name in
and do you like what it has to say? 

I'm sitting on the edge of the bed alone
for the rest of my life,
hair never washed, that certain little kind of pain that replaces any pills I've popped.

I swear I'm going to be sober for the rest of my life.

so what does it tell you about yourself?
I can tell you see yourself so many years from now,  with the same dead eyes and the same stupid scar on your neck. 

and can you see me through my bedroom window,  with all the lights turned on? can you see me as my younger self,  full of hope and singing along to every song that would you would grow up to poison? 

this isn't what I wanted for myself.
can you see that?

3-4-13

we are the same **** mistake
you and I 
I had imagined us as heartless
but I was wrong. 

somewhere along the lines of sobriety and insomnia
I gave it serious thought

our hearts are filled with love
for ourselves
for what we see ourselves becoming

the only difference between
you and I
is that you can live with yourself.
and I'm trying to atone
for sins I haven't yet committed.

cheap old seneca reds
half an hour before noon, above freezing.
sun is shining on campus.

this is my little doorstep of paradise
come sit down if you like,
and we can talk about it.

"I'm not smart enough"
just another one of the things you said.

and I can't help but think of how wrong you are.

perhaps you might've said "I'm emotionless"
and I could've believed it.

but "I'm not smart enough" , that's just untrue.

"not smart enough"

that's me, I suppose.
because I can't make my paychecks last the week,
or keep up on my homework.

I have only the slightest idea,
of what's going on in politics,
although I would be quite interested to find out.

I don't know how to build a computer, like you do,
I don't know of all the indie bands you listen to.

I've had ideas and dreams just as big as you ever did.
we just never had talked about it,
and if we did, you never took me seriously.

so don't give me that tired line "I'm not smart enough."
it's insulting to me, because I feel like I'm falling behind.