I'm no longer holding you responsible
for my salvation.

consider this your invitation to bow out
and we can leave as polite strangers.

it's an understatement I'm willing to make
we aren't friends, but we were once.

and I see you nowhere in my future
and I see you haunting in my dreams
and I see you in the library,
but I don't see you as my savior.

it's been so many months
and you're off the hook.
this isn't your problem;
because it isn't a problem anymore.

2-5-13

It's time for spring colors again,
for trees to bud, and snowy wet mud.
It isn't here yet today, but I'm waiting.

I smiled today, without telling myself that I had to.
I didn't hide from the sun.
and I noticed that the sky was as blue as your eyes.
but with a little bit less icy tones,
and a lot more love for me.

I can see stains on the window of every car.
I'm using myself as an ashtray.
The stereo is playing on, and my cigarettes long.
I'm not worried about you, or home, or health.
this is ambivalence we turned to gold.
I feel beautiful for once.
and once is forever.

replacement friends are real
and I'm the villain here.
I'm sitting in the corner,
watching as green bottles litter the room.

this was exactly what I was expecting.

this is either earned or spent
wrong or right
but I maybe I don't care anymore

and there's many years to come
for consequence to follow karma.

I'm enjoying. 
what might be pain ignored
and lines crossed
morals damaged.

and if it isn't right
I know to lie to myself

the night is never over.

and life just hasn't begun yet.

just offhand.
and I have a couple ways to spend the hour that would be far more useful than this.
sleep isn't coming, but in a few weekends,
I'm coming home, and coming to visit.
it takes an occasion to write with conviction,
but I can convince myself occasionally.

just offhand. 
and this is the verse you get because the first half is mine alone. 
and the second part is all you need to know.
you'll be okay.
it's been a long time since I've been away,
and I lost interest.  
I'm sorry for misunderstanding. 
I'm sorry that I fell in love.
just telling you now,  that I'm done. 
I have been for awhile. 
that doesn't mean that I don't
miss your smile. 
I just don't need it everyday. 

2/12/13

2/10/13

you don't have to ask me anymore,
how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.
it doesn't matter to me
if it matters to you. 
but I wonder if you dream of me,
or mistake me for that girl 
you saw walking down the street
if you remember as vividly as I did 
all the times we used to share.
all the words exchanged, 
my way of merely bordering sane.
I wouldn't expect you to. 

today you were brought up
from across the table. 
and my gut didn't ache
and I simply said,
"I'd rather not discuss it"
and I kept your privacy, 
I didn't expect to, but I did.
it's neither my buisness nor his.
nobody ever seems to know
all that has happened between us.
I suppose it's a blessing. 
so I went out for a cigarette,
and thought about absolutely nothing.

3/3/13

the light fades at the end of the day
it always has.
I sat and thought of you
on the sidewalk.

I can blame you, 
for just as many things 
as I thank you for.
our own little bit of ****** up zen.

last summer was classic
last summer will never die

I forget that you weren't around
you didn't have to be, for once.
I'll see you again, 
I'm almost certain

but even if I don't 
I don't think I'll cry.

going to meet the boy who has no name.
so we can smoke our cigarettes together.

he fills the empty, with our little talks.
leaning up against the no smoking sign.

it scares me, the way that I think of him,
like clockwork. meet by the sign,
monday wednesday friday afternoons,
and I'm starting to watch the time.

he's starting to fill up the empty spaces,
that he doesn't even know exist.

I still haven't asked his name.