Le Lotus

Le Lotus Jun 2020

How did they lived up till 50? 55? 60?
Getting to 22 isn’t easy
Life is too tiring
Am living cause am yet dying
Are they the same as me?
I think no one would understand me
That it’s a mental thing and can’t be seen
But really, can’t you see how despair
and broken I am being?
My heart feels so dense and heavy
It took so much to get to 22
Yet this 22 felt the hardest so far
It won’t get better right?
There’s still more to come
and much to break
As long as I’m still breathing.

Le Lotus May 2020

I’m talking about me?

Sometimes, Not so often,
Yet suddenly as I stare into the ceiling,
Or onto my phone screen,
Reading contents or simply thinking,
I started having thoughts that is so far fetched,
A sudden but a bothersome ones
“Maybe I am toxic”
“I should be with no one as I bring despair to others”
“I’m not good enough”
Sometimes, so often,
These thoughts came creeping in
When I think of ones that I love
Especially the one that I want.

Le Lotus Sep 2019

Ending act.

I’m at a point where I feel bad for ending the act of being nice.
But to tired to pick up the mask and put it on.

It’s not like I’m changing from an angel to a villain.
But a fool to a thinker.
Just had enough of people taking advantage on me,
Had enough of people thinking low of me,

Had enough of everything actually,
But to the extend of thinking of death, that scared me.

I am scared, really.

Le Lotus Mar 2019

POEM

Some people say that poem is
Only for the sad and depressed souls
But hey, look at me !
Read the following verses and you'll know.

There are varies of arts in writing,
Its a way of me expressing my feelings,
The deep part of me that coudnt be seen,
But in poems I lay them in ordered scenes.

Few times when I feel like crying and can no more bear things,
I lay my feelings in a piece of sheet and went to sleep.
But! That day when the sky is clear I also picked up my pen and let it dance,
Just by listening to the birds singing I'd do the same.

Am not trying to play poet but to convey a message,
Writing poems doesnt mean that I am depressed,
Its a medium for feelings to be expressed,
A comfort zone for the creative people like us.

Le Lotus Mar 2019

Family Dinner

It's a funeral-like dining room.
No one is talking,
Bite, gulp, bite, gulp
Only my eyes looking,

A 15 years old's bore eyes into me,
I'm sitting across her finding means,
Raised my brows, put down my spoonful curry,
Tilted her shoulders then look down, eat, eat

This room is gloomy,
It's so quite even mice sound noisy.
My eyes were glancing around, but no one is looking
Beside that little girl who was just trying to tease.

Clink, clank,
O my dancing utensils
Cleaned, all down
Leaving this dining gloom now is me.

Le Lotus Feb 2019

Nights of Mine

My eyes are tired, it's about half passed 1 where the moon shines,
Burdened, I got to get up early tomorrow,
Music now on play, set off after 2 hours,
Rest my back, close my eyes
Can't seem to loss myself, eyes closed yet am awake, i hate this.
I draw images, create scenes, trying to make my own dreams,
Trying to see pictures in my closed eyes.
Music is off. ****, I'm still awake,
It must have passed 3 now,
...
Alarm went off, it's 8
Oh! I slept, I'm still tired.
First thought this morning?
It happened again.
I wish the cycle stops.
I'm tired.

Le Lotus Jul 2018

Is A Question. Or maybe more.

Is it depression ?
When you feel like you have no purpose in life,
And everything you do
Basically just to go with the flow,
But it only drives you mad and tired
Because things aint flowing smooth,
They walks on rough patches and thorny roads.

Is it depression ?
When you smile on the outside
But seconds later some sort of gloomy-ness spread all over your mind and soul,
With no reasons nor justification why,
You just feel empty inside.
And alone.

If it is depression,
What should I do?
I heard that it's dangerous
That it eats your soul,
happiness and enthusiasm in life.

What should I do, really?
This is frustrating,
I want to be happy too.