Your eyes are capable of arson
Your lips d-dr-drip kerosene
And I too easily combust
I fear you and I would be wildfire
When all I can handle is sparks
But perhaps we can find ourselves capable
Of making beautiful cinders

Your gentle breath
Stirs autumn leaves in the streets of my mind
Your eyes are so promising,
Rolling like newsreel camera,
Your pupils shifting like lenses
Their tender glint
Swears there is something better
Something bigger than this
Somewhere, perhaps soon
Somewhere the sparrows sing
Without cages
And the summers are blue
And the satin is black
Your hands on my back
Rub and comfort for what I will remember
Was an eternity
Someday maybe you'll sway with me
Sing, sing willow tree
We'll pretend
We've always swayed together
Maybe one day you'll engulf me
When I, fed to the tongues of fire,
Will turn my face to the flames
To the burning, divine kiss
But it would scorch my heart
With a single ember
Of a charred willow tree

One day
When my hair is graying, face is creasing
My husband will be at work
His apathy slowly increasing
And making him a rude ****.
My kids will be at school being fed empty knowledge
Preparing for college
And the TV set will be blaring
I won't be caring
About the static noise filling the beige room,
The news guy speaking of terror and gloom
A blue glare will reflect on the brown stained couch
On which I will be sitting, with a woebegone and wistful slouch
And my brain will drift, slowly searching memory files
Going back for years and endless miles
And I will remember you,
The boy I once knew,
As the boy I never kissed
My eyes will mist
And maybe I'll cry
And give a shaky sigh
For so many reasons, and that lost kiss will merely be one

Far from me
Untouchable, unattainable
As the stars, the sky
My unrequited moon
My gorgeous mirage
My tender, distant pain
Far from me, my perpetual dream
Always there, always haunting
My present, present torment
My sweet little endless affliction
My persistent, substantial image
Far away from me
My delicious hell
My stubborn fantasy
But I don't mind
No, hope has not weakened me
(Yet)
I'm stronger now
Proud to walk ahead
Head held high
With the image of you in my mind
I will conquer the world
With the kiss you have not given me

I've been asked why
I don't fight for you
Flirt! they say
Assert your womanly powers! Enchant him! You'll get him one day!
But I don't want to fight
Because you are not an object I long for
And "us" is not a goal towards which I strive
You are a person
And I want only what is good for you
And crazy as it sounds,
I don't want to be with you
Unless I know it's what you want
I am demure and unprovocative
I am quiet and not talkative
I will not try to trap you in a net of seduction
Because love is patient
And resides in truth
I give you pens and paper and food
Try to make you laugh when you're in a bad mood
Give you advice and support
I will be your indestructible fort
And ask for nothing in return
No excessive generosity or false concern
Because love is kind, and keeps no records
I do not tell people all that there is and has been between us
I let them speculate and guess
Because love does not boast
It is not arrogant or rude
I do not weep over you and brood
I don’t hate the girls you flirt with
Because jealousy isn’t love, nor is it evidence of love
And I don't care when your buddies laugh at us
When we fool around, push and shove
Because love is not irritable or resentful
I do not find joy in finding you vulnerable and weakened
Because love does not rejoice at wrongdoing
I don't care when you joke around and lack tact and gentility
Instead I stay calm, and bask in tranquility
Because love is not easily angered
I will keep you safe and speak to you
Words of comfort and reassurance
Because love always protects
When you don't want to speak, I will hold you
Because love always respects
I will wait for you
Because love always trusts, always hopes
I will be your friend no matter what the cost
Because love knows what is precious, and always preserves
I bear it all with blind devotion
Navigating through every tumultuous ocean
Because love accepts all things, believes all things, endures all things
I endure the pain of what is unrequited
But being with you makes me happy
Because love doesn’t always hurt
If it always hurts it’s something else
Fear, attachment, addiction or possessiveness;
That is not love
I do not want to be your girlfriend
I don’t want us to be together
I want you to be happy
Because love is all selflessness
It’s the opposite of need and attachment
It’s allowing, rather than seeking
Letting go, rather than grasping
If it happens, it’ll happen
But if we ever end up together
Let it be as light and extrinsic as a falling feather
Let it be a sweet collision of hearts
A lucky foregathering of souls
And not the victory of a hard-fought battle
And I know that your kiss will be sweetest
If our lips stumble into each other in the darkness
Without desperate searching
I will not try to "get over you"
I will not flounder, I will not fret
I will not try to forget
Because love never ends
It transcends
And that is why
I will not fight
And I will not mention the letters I have written you- and had not sent, and now will never send.
And there will be regret
Bittersweet memories and wasted lips
It'll ache a little sometimes
I know, I know,
That I am perhaps renouncing a thousand kisses
A hundred long, thrilling dances in your arms
A hundred evenings not to be recaptured
But I'll live with it
I will not fight


*(But get me
I will not fight to obtain you
But I would fight to the death
Blood and sweat
To save you)

If we were ever to end up together

I would take you up to hawk hill

And say "look

Baby,

This is the bench I always dreamed of you on.

See, this is where all the love poems come from

This is where I laid  down and pretended the back of the bench was your stomach and the wind was your hand

And the sun was you, all of you

But now you're here, and the bench can go back to just being a bench, and the wind can be wind again and the sun is the sun, whole and true and nothing but that

And while all these things are back to being themselves

You can be you and I can me

But we belong together, just 2 individuals

Isn't that beautiful?"



I would take you to my room

And say "look

This is where I always stayed up all night thinking of you.

This is where I wrote you all those letters,

And they're still there, under the mattress

You can look if you want"



If we were ever to end up together

I would hold your hand and smile

And say "it was all

A worthwhile wait

To be brought together

By the tender hand of fate"

My entire life

No matter where I go, who I'm with, what I'm doing, how drunk I am

I have always felt on the outside - out of the picture

From childhood's hour

I have not been like others are

I've always been

Out of the conversation, at a distance

As though I am alone in existence

Everywhere I go, there is an impenetrable barrier

At home I'm a foreigner in my own land

I've always felt like a different breed

Slowing down when others pick up speed

As if I was the only one picking up the sounds or words that others don't hear

Deaf to the words that they do hear

I do not hear what others hear, I do not see what others see

Doing, saying, thinking things that others don't

When I try to explain what my world is like,

I baffle and stutter and can't find the words

And they look at me

From the other side of the barricade

With condescending, puzzled smiles

I've never really been a part of a group, a piece of a whole

Even in my own house, with my own friends,
I've always been an intruder

Everything I say, everything I do seems offbeat

I feel like everyone is dancing some sort of elaborate choreography

And I haven't learned the steps

Or they're all playing a game

And no one taught me the rules, or let me roll the dice

I've always felt out of it,

As if I was alone on the opposite side of an enormous, invisible window

Pressing my hands against the glass, tracing worlds in the fog

A stranger looking in

I've always felt it

Struggling to break the sturdy facade

In crowded parties, sleepovers,

Lunch breaks, with my family, with best friends



But with him

I'm not an outsider

Even though we argue, or call each other names,

Or slap each other, or steal each other's pens

We understand each other

Simply

Easy

With him

There is no window, no barrier, no wall

When we talk, there is only us

Encased in a small, invisible circle

A circle I'm not excluded from

Which enclosed us, and protects us from the world

All the others fade,

And only remains this sort of forcefield

There's no plausible explanation

For this halo

Nothing logical about it

Nothing like "we just get along",

Because we don't, not always

But the circle is there

Undeniable and hopefully eternal



One day I'll trace that circle

Around us, and he'll see it

too