I'm at my desk paying bills

Utility papers, debts and pills

I'm tired, and I feel the old feelings reside

There's a primitive darkness stirring outside

Stars electric, sky like ink

I look up at the window and think,



I no longer know where you are

Somewhere in the world, strumming your guitar?

I put down the papers, the wine and the pen

I open the door

And shove myself into the night



I'm past the house now

Dark air fluttering all around me

I can almost smell your musk

I'm walking on cold pavement, and surrounded by dusk

I can't see where I'm headed, I can't see where I am

It was always that way

I walk on and remember

Us dissolving and dying like a brazen ember

Our platonic parting,

College, we lost touch

You didn't really care much

The texts became sparse and faded away

We got our own lives, and wandered astray

We walk alone now, separate worlds, separate streets

I've got a husband now, snoring in white sheets

And children, and beige furniture

Sleeping in the dark house behind me

and the hard

words


I never said

can now be 

said:



I love


you.



Looming shadows of trees

A cold, biting breeze

So much darkness, and nothing to distract me from

All the memories

I shove my hands in my pockets

And remember

I remember the feel of you, Old Spice,

The jokes and stupid advice

Art, your smile and the glow

All those years, watching us grow

The light in the window, your guitars,

Movies, parents, and Bear Valley stars

Bad lip readings, our noons, simply living

Taking, borrowing, lending and giving

Fighting, yelling, grins and forgiving

Always talking, drawing, writing, both stupid and clever

Skiing, flying together, immortal forever

And french class- j'aime, j'aimais, j'ai aimé, j'aimerai

Your hand, my hand, your notebooks and mine,

All these memories and our slow decline.



The wind blows hard tonight


And it's a cold wind

I was young

And naive, and all of it stung

Love, it hurt like a knife

inside,

Washed over my heart like a brutal tide

And now...now I wander in the cool darkness

Weeping a bit, ashamed of my sentimentality



The wind is so viciously howling

I remember

I gave in, I let love enfold me

And the tender little

words
I was too scared to

voice

can now

be

said:


I love

 you.



I have a family now, a job, the years run thin

I didn't lose, I didn't win

Nothing changed

This feeling,

it was locked in place

I weep as I feel the night's embrace

In the darkness, something broke

Something 
remained, and something awoke



I loved you when it would have taken less courage
 not to

You were the only one who understood

I look up at the stars and think,

I no longer know where you are

I no longer know who we are

The saltwater flows in tiny streams

Here I am, a bundle of past recollections and dreams



I'm still walking in the twilight's midst

I look down at my little wrist

I'm still as frail as I was in high school

And maybe still as fragile

I haven't really grown

I'm still skin and slim bone

I'm not made of much

I'm made of the ones I have loved

The ones who have loved me

And the ones I've yet to love

That's all

And the simple

words


I never wrote

can now

be

etched out into the darkness with my hands:

I love

 you.



Love is fragile

But somehow remains engraved

The pieces are saved,

The things that hovered on lips,

That might have been said

And love stays in the head

The memories don't fade

They stay sharp as a blade

All the things past, that happened

Or that might have occurred.



There is only one love in life,

That's the heart's strife

Or there are all kinds of love in the world,

But never the same love twice

So many feelings once should suffice

You will never be lost to me

As long as I remember you

Oh anyways the darkness is ebbing

And I must stop to roam

I need to go home

I can hear my husband from the family of elites

Stirring in the sheets

Awaiting breakfast

We didn't even dance last night

The tables were wet, I sat in a trance

The night was crunchy with a million stars

The roads sparkling with a hundred cars

I sought the moon's solace, but she wasn't there

I didn't bother seeking yours, you didn't care

Interested only in those filled with liqueur

You called me once, whispered my name

And we sat together, both too separate to understand

Too quick the morning came

But failed to sweep the night away

I fear I'll never find a way
To be with you..

You are weary, I think

Of endless puzzles and games

And short romantic flames



You have grown disenchanted

With everything

Every stupid girl and foolish fling



You are bored

Of things built upon passing waves

Of all these conformists, these slaves



You have grown spiteful

Against people whining and nagging

And keeping secrets and bragging



And you are exasperated, maybe,

With all your toys breaking

As soon as you take them out of their boxes



It may be you are sick

Of instability and castles of crumbling sand

Of things reeling and getting out of hand



You have grown impatient

With cheaters and capricious ******

Who claim they are forever yours



You are tired, perhaps

Of feeling alone

And things aching through no fault of your own



I may not be

The sturdiest thing you've ever laid eyes on

I am little, and frail

And weak and pale

And I stumble when it's windy out

But I know, without a doubt

That for you I will be strong

That I will never do you wrong

I'll keep you from going off the brink

Because you are weary, I think

Sometimes I look at you

And see a young, healthy blond boy

An innocent doll, a toy

With vacant little eyes-

An object in disguise



Sometimes I look at you

And see a wild thing-

A fervid, regal king

Blazing, strong, insane

Impossible to restrain

Forelsket

Hurts like a *****

It's la Douleur Exquise

Wishing I'd never known

Koi No Yokan