I’ve already promised myself that nothing will stop me from being exactly who I want to be in 2014, as cliche as it sounds. fake friends and drama can kiss my *** because there is no need for the added stress. I’m going to make my grades better than they already are and hopefully pull myself up to at least a 3.2 GPA. I’m going to get into college when the time comes and I’m going to actually get somewhere in the world. a few months ago if you were to ask me what I wanted to do, I’d say I had no idea. but recently I’ve found the drive inside myself to make something of this thing we’re living called “life”. I refuse to live under anyone else’s standards. I will not live to please anyone else except myself. it sounds so selfish, it really does, but really, the only satisfaction a human being needs is the satisfaction of one’s self. nobody can expect another person to make another one happy, it just doesn’t happen that way. so starting tonight at 12:00, I am going to be focusing on me and my own life, rather than everyone else’s.

I.
When you sleep
your spine curls
like a question mark
and there's always
too much space.

II.
You lay alone,
belly down on your bed.
You can't breathe
and you don't mean
to but you cry out,
arms wrapped around
your body,
clutching your sides.
You fall apart.

III.
You want to scream.
You want to scream
because it hurts.
You're empty
and everything aches.
You're tired of trying
and waiting and
waiting and waiting
and always
going to bed alone.

IV.
It is a never-ending prayer.
In the back of your mind,
it plays like a soundtrack.
Please, please, please, please.

V.
They say it happens when
you least expect it.
You wonder if you can
use reverse-psychology
on the Universe.

VI.
You'll fall in love
with every man
who looks at you
without turning away.
Every touch
from any stranger
electrifies you.
You still feel it
three
days
later.

VII.
You write letters
to the Universe.
Sometimes you're
angry but usually
you're just broken.
You're always asking
*why?

In winter days
as cold as an arctic rush
I find comfort in
the length of your fingertips
grasping the edges of my sanity
and how your dimples show
with every snowflake;

you blush like the summer sun.

i can't tell which is more breathtaking, the fire in the sky or the one in your eyes.
the clouds suspended over the horizon were turning deep purple mixed with a bit of blue and orange.  it was one of the fall sunsets where everything is completely still as the clouds slowly dance in the sky above you. the reflection of them draped over my chocolate eyes as i was focused on your every movement.  my palm lightly floating over yours, our shadows growing as the sun departed.  i listen to you slowly but steadily breathing, still observing you with critical detail. you turned your neck slowly and your eyes traveled up to lock onto mine.  a slight chill traveled up my spine, i can't even look at you without being startled; you're just so beautiful. so rare and so fragile.  by now, the sun has hidden itself from us behind the peaks right near those steep cliffs we love so much.  in the back of my head, i had a song playing - "crystal" by two door cinema club.  i decided to follow the direction of the lyric "i left you on that street, your shadow at your feet, i should've kissed you".  i couldn't look at you without wanting to inch my lips closer and closer to yours.  i eventually had grown close enough to feel your breath on me for only a few moments, as i couldn't hold myself back any longer. you pulled me closer to you, wrapped your arms around me, and pressed your soft lips against mine at last.  there was a warm feeling in my chest and i could feel myself blushing as your slowly pulled away to bite my lip. it's hard to describe the way you tasted, but i couldn't get enough of you.  you intoxicated me more than all the alcohol on the earth; i get drunk off of you after one sip.  i never wanted to pull away from you.  everything about it made everything alright; i'd never felt so desired in my life.  the way your hands moved around me, the feeling of our teeth colliding in between the ever changing gentleness and intensity.  i'd never craved something so much as much as i crave you right now.  you're simply tantalizing, i don't know how i ever went more than three seconds without you.  i want to take drags of you constantly, i want to feel you like smoke in my lungs. i want to take multiple hits of you, i want you to be the burning sensation in the back of my throat.  with you in my hand still, i look up at the fluorescent ***** of light we call the starts atop the piece of black construction paper we cal the night.  a new song, now playing in the back of my head - " i wanna be yours" by the arctic monkeys.  every single word of every single line makes me long for you.  i really did want to be yours.  i always want to be yours.  i only want to be yours.  i will always want to be yours.  i want to be the air you breathe, the water you drink, the cigarette you smoke, the wine you sip, but especially the coffee in your mug.  i want to be the one to touch your sleepy lips every morning, hoping to wake you up with every temperate impact you make to me.  those rocks we sat upon for however many hours we did made me fancy you eve more.  i wanted you at your lowest point and your highest point, i wanted to hold your hand at all times, even if it breaks my wrist.  finding you was pure luck.  those cliffs with the sun setting behind the peaks made me think a lot.  i'm high when i'm totally sober when i'm with you.  your lips are the sweetest sensation i've ever encountered.  your eyes are brighter than those little fluorescent ***** of light on the piece of black construction paper. you're always going to be with me, in my head and in my heart.  in my hair, on my lips, and in my hand.  i never once thought anything like what we have could ever become what it is now, because i'm so me and you're so you.  maybe i was one of the lucky ones.  there's one term to describe it.  two words in one simple expression.  sweet serendipity.

my bed
is far
too vast
with out
you laying
right next
to me

I get nervous around you.
I feel my heart drop to my stomach.

Your smile warms my heart
And freezes time.

You have eyes like no other
They stare deep inside of me
They know my deepest secrets
And my most broadest details.

The way you look at me
Like you miss me
Like you hate me
Like youre unsure of what love really means

You can lie to yourself all you want
I'm still with you
The reminisce of me haunts you at night
You love me
But you have that macho man way of life
So you can't love me.
But you want to
I hope.

The way your lips move
Is like no other.
Its smooth like a hockey puck on ice
Its words travel like teenage kids trying to escape
Their lives.
Something I know you wanna do.
Everything you say,
Everything you do,
Leads me to believe
You just want to leave.

I have been eating flowers recently and hoping that one day I will be able to restart the garden in my heart that you tore apart. The light will shine again and roses will bloom to the steady staccato beat of my pulse, daisies and sunflowers rising up from the ground to create their own sunrise. Pale pink buds of tulips and bright blue violets will paint my veins with vivid life, the world beautiful again, the air fresher, my heart better.

The more I consume, the less there is of you and more of nature; earth taking over to heal the hurt in my soul. I tell myself this will work, it will succeed eventually; but inside the core of everything there is the pin ***** of reality that leads me back to the truth.

-

For despite everything, I still love you.

First, last, always.

(A.H.Z)

You say, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”
but I say surely something

must taste nicer than the burning acid
being forced back up your throat.

Why not hug people instead of
toilet bowls? At least they’ll hug back.

Except Mia is your only friend now.
And her cousin, Ana, of course.

And I understand that you never
wanted to die, but this is a thousand ton truck

hurtling towards the edge of a cliff and
Ana took the wheel a long time ago.

There is no strength in this: in you, in a
fear of calories. Even your bones creak

as your muscles sigh with exhaustion -
for this, is not a war you're winning.

This is a battle with only one contender
and I will not be the one to disarm you.

That's your job and it always has been. I know
you only wanted to be beautiful

like all those stars in the magazines
you saved under a file titled ‘thinspo’

but the only stars you ever saw were in
your eyes from the dizziness

and to tell you the truth, you are not pretty.
For there is nothing “pretty”

about the layer of fuzz your body grew
to protect itself from the big bad wolf

when really, the only growl was coming
from inside your stomach.

Or how your little sister is afraid to touch,
let alone hug you, in fear of snapping you in two.

For there is no glamour in having to
remove clumps of hair out of the plughole

at least six times whilst having a shower,
just to let the water run down.

Or that one time you "accidentally”
took too many laxatives. Messy.

There is nothing admirable about the way
you sat shivering on your bed

at night instead of kissing boys,
or dancing, or eating ice cream.

There is nothing to be marvelled at
in dying.

This, is not a life to be lived.
God, this isn't even a life.

This is being a slave to your own body,

a walking zombie, a ghost stuck
between two sides.

You are not alive.

But it was all still worth it, right?
Slowly killing yourself from the inside out.

A small price to pay for perfection,
a bargain for a broken mirror;

for a half-written book
with 97 blank pages,

a camera
that only captures in black and white,

a clock
with frozen hands.

And most importantly, for a peace of mind
you never received.

No refunds.