there was girl made of flowers and twine

they said she was the light

but all she saw was the darkness in the night

hands cupped like spring blooms

she held desire like burning fire

I am the fourteen year old girl held on the bed
I am the girl screaming in my sleep
I am the girl, crying, alone
I am the girl who watched others get hurt.

I am the girl who sent a ****** to prison.

I am my anxiety,
Welling like an oncoming flood in my stomach and
Hammering in my throat
I am my depression,
Back and forth, up and down, like a heart rate monitor
I am my trauma
Held deep in my body,
My muscles corded around the pain I can’t get rid of.

I am the girl who defied it all
I am the girl who made a difference
I am the girl who stood up!

And I am here,
I am the girl who is stronger than I ever imagined.

I spent near a quarter of my life thus far doing stupid **** for stupid reasons.

I had *** with boys because I could. It didn't change anything; I was still depressed, lonely, and bitter.

I smoked joints because I wanted to. I drank alcohol because there was nothing better to do. I smoke cigarettes because I was too young.

I spent useless years of my life obsessing over what other people thought of me. I spent meaningless time thinking I was in love with boys who didn't love me. I would have done anything for people who would have done nothing for me. I found myself and I lost myself.

I spent useless, meaningless, empty time thinking everything was fine, only to find myself here and now wondering what the **** I was doing.

So here I am. I will no longer waste my time, because I see that there is value in it.

Today my time is valued and important; do not waste my time.

In some ways I know who I am today is the greatest person I could ever be.

In other ways, I know I could have done so many other great things.

I am successful, smart, strong. But did I follow the right path?

Had I pursued other dreams and opportunities, would I be a different person?

But why do I bother questioning my past? Who I am now is what matters!

...And yet...

Did I make the right decisions?

do you wanna see the stars tonight
turn off the lights look in the mirror
your eyes ll shine so bright

Today,
I found half of a best friend's necklace.
It's a simple chain, a charm that has "Best"
engraved in a piece of green plastic,
a pickle with ogling eyes.
It must have been an inside joke,
a friend I promised never to forget.
I can't remember who.
Just a forgotten memory,
a long lost friend
who I may never
see again.