Abandoned by comfort
Welcomed by nothing
Seeing the future
Hating the outcome

Can't hear the screams
Or feel the pain
I walked on water
All I did was sink

we quiver, we tremble, we shudder, give way.
in the scorn of our own divinity.
this chasm, this maw, it lies agape.
no ocean will drown the summit.
a void birthed of your own perfection.
this aggregate, a myriad of less than nothing.
an empty heart is not easily filled.

a bird, you are, a crane- dancer of birds, you are
the bend and shape, the s t  r   e    t c h   e    s your neck makes- you are
all that collapses and alters me. But this is not about me---
                            this is not about how beautiful you are---
a predator can fall in love with (you are) the prey
and when you are captured beneath my hands, I often can't tell
if you are fluttering against them or if I am trembling at the thought
of crushing- you are: carnivore and quarry
                            game and hunter
                                    killer and ****
                                    love and hate, you are, doing things things things so many things, to me
you are, feather falls and grace white tickling the calloused skin stone
  where I ruffle the tufts of your neck, that I long to break---
                                    ---though this isn't true.

it’s not as if
your innards
withheld the
s e c r e t s
on why you are
the way you are


so there’d be
no point in me
portraying
jack the ripper
in hopes of
figuring you out


i couldn’t stand
it anymore

i tear
your flesh,
out of
severe
curiosity


i couldn’t stand
another second
not knowing
who you really were


the mystery encasing
your identity was
begging me to
identify you,
decipher you,
inspect every plain
and every crevice
of you.


i hang every body part,
every ***** of yours,
up in shambles
anticipating
my careful scrutiny
as something
within me
wakes


the realization
dawns on me
that i’ve lost you
in the process
of trying to
know you better


could the blood
on my hands
[from your veins]
just trickle rivulets
into my wine glass
like liquid knowledge
and fill the void
that’s been you
all this time


i hate your guts
for never opening
up to me.
no pun intended.

My early sea town home came
With strides of colossal change floating between
The marrow of my bones; gnawing inside.

Chance always showed me where to go
Landing near deep, blue-green waves
That washed the soft slumber from my eyes.

Perlious seas to cover the silence of a murmurous beauty
Pouring into the Colombia Gorge that flows a horizen-line
Against the rim of peaceful strangeness in the city.

Darkening dusk hovered in the wide quietness
Of Forest Park with lanterns lit along the west coast
while I counted the spaces of plum-colored stars.

There I went running on the hills through the virescent woods
Of tall evergreen trees dripping wanton rain into the hollows of a wet earth.
Dressed in ghost-white like a wayward drifter.

Night, emitted a warmth of drunken red wine
With tireless voices laugh shaken to beats of ethereal music.
Departure struck me with sudden change to a new home.

Ripped away and fixed in the belief of happenstance.
Always to remember the feeling of being young
On this cold night in Oregon.

Every now and then I catch myself thinking about her. She was the light of my life. And now she calls me bro and acts like nothing ever happened between us... It is the most painful thing I have experienced. I want to see her but I also don't. She betrayed my trust. But I forgave her instantly because I understood why she did it. I mean look at me, I'm just surprised she stayed with me as long as she did. I just don't want to lose her. That love, that happiness, that acceptance.... I just want her back.  But that's not going to happen now is it. Because I'm me and who wants to be with me. I hate myself. And I'm pretty sure everybody else hates me too. I'm afraid of everything. I guess that's why I'm alone now. People say I'm not alone. But I really am. I'm too afraid to go outside. At school I'm always thinking these kids are going to make fun of me. Stop looking at me. What is wrong with me. Don't touch me. Is there something on my face. Don't talk to me..  I just want to be left alone because I know that I'll just end up getting hurt again.  Whenever my friend is depressed, or thy are harming themselves. I always tell them to stop, to find another way. People try and do the same with me. I'm in the same situation. But I deny ever getting better. Because I know that happiness is a lie. Because I know that others can be. But I can never see myself being happy. Because in my life. It's just one...big..lie..

Tomorrow I will wake up with puffy eyes,
examine them in the mirror,
thoughts of tonight swirling back,
push it all away.
Splash my face with cold water, that won’t work.
Two spoons in the freezer, hold them against my swollen red baby browns
and there I will sit—sad, sullen, sore.
I already know that
Tomorrow I will wake up with puffy eyes.

The rolling stone gathers no moss
you are one
but in the human context
it simply means
you learn nothing
you gain nothing
you build nothing that lasts
all is fleeting
momentary and superficial within you
nothing stays long enough to nurture and flourish
whatever does stay with you, is crushed
to a poor existence
as you move relentlessly ahead
beyond this
you've never known , appreciated,  recognised or desired
you never will
all you do is
leave a path of destruction