It has been years since I last wrote

Anything that my heart emote

Revisiting the words I spoke

I have not grown as much as I'd hope

I remember it well
It's one of those things you simply can not forget
From that moment I stood there in the bathroom
Staring down at that little pink plus sign
It felt like my whole world came crashing down on me
Fear and joy engulfed me and the unknown startled me

Who will you be?
this little person that I am creating?
Will you look like me?
So many question so many thought of doubt
Can I do this?
Can I be your mom?
So many

As you grew inside of me
It became more and more real
As if the severe morning sickness wasn't real enough
Can I do this?

As my body changed
and I felt you move inside of me
Nothing else mattered
The fear of the unknown was no longer a factor
I can do this

From that moment I laid there
Cover in cold gel
Seeing your little limbs move on the screen
The first time I saw you
I loved you then
So deeply

When you came out of me
And into my arms
I loved you even more
I didn't even know that was possible
I love you my Lu

I've come so far as a woman
As a person
As a human
There were times I thought I'd never see the light of day
And there were times when we dreaded the rising sun

There were nights I wish to never remember
And nights I wish I'd never forget
Being in the middle of the ocean
With no land in sight for miles

Everything seems so much more alive
Back in society where lights pollutes the night sky
I yearn to see the millions of stars shining down on me again
The Earth spoke to me

In lovely tones and scents
In velvet and tweets
With the rush of the wind
And warmth of the rays

In the smell of salt
And the cooling of mist
In the dawn
And in the ending nautical twilight

I've come so far
Or so I thought
The Earth spoke to me again
But I can't listen

I don't who I've become lately
I'm doing things I normally wouldn't do

I feel like I'm growing
but into what?

One nights and cheap wine
Who am I anymore?

It's so funny looking back
At my old words
It hasn't been that long since then
But it's a whole new world

I made a choice in life
That turned out to be the best choice
My life has changed so much
In so little time

The dark place I was in once before
Has been casted away by a new horizon
The gloom that bloomed within
Has been replaced with such enlightenment

My hearts has found a new love
One that isn't toxic
One that makes me life go around

It's funny truly
How much people can change in so little time.

I was there when you were sick cold and alone
I held you close and told you I would never let go

You looked into my eyes spilling lies
And I could not see through the deceit

I don't know why I fell for those obvious falsity
The ones you told as you held me close

It warmed my heart to hear those lies
Escape your lips into my ears

I try to masque it
The gloom inside
I wear a smile
Laugh at all their jokes
Pretend to be enthused about things
But it's all a lie.
I'm a lie.

We broke up so many times.
So many times I've moved on
But you keep coming back for more
And me being silly let you back in
Then the whole process repeats itself

I don't know how much longer
I can take this pain
The constant touch and go is becoming tedious
I want to be numb
Like I once used to be

I don't want to feel your dagger piercing my heart
I don't want to look into your eyes and want you so much
I don't want to love you anymore
Numbness please come back to me
Save me from myself

This pain is over bearing
I want to cry but my tears are all dried
For I have cried too many times.
I want to be numb
Numbness please come back to me

Sometimes I wonder about my sanity
If I have any
I often wonder if there's others like me
Who think the way I do
Notice and exam the things I do
I'm quite unusual and I know it
No matter what anyone says
"You're not weird Lannie"
They only the know the facade I put on
The fake smile and glow I wear
Underneath there's nothing but dust and shells
I wonder if anyone had the mind I had
How long would it take for them to lose it
Its been 21 years and I'm still holding on
barely
Over analysis
Emotional
Short tempered
and irrational
I am insane
Constant feeling of dread and doomed
Complexity can be interesting
to a certain point
I am insane
And I know it.

My days are growing longer
Waiting in anticipation
Where am I going?
What do I do?
I just don't know anymore

There will be a time
When I will have everything I need
But until then I'm stuck
In this ever incessant swirl pool
That leads no where

Time is so slow these days

All these feelings in my head
Swirling circling thread by thread

Every memory every sway
Fragmented fermenting as I lay

Drunken thoughts leave me buzzed
Don't know why I'm making such a fuss

Round and round like a merry go round
Not sure if I'm lost or found

Off in the night my mind wanders
Not sure if I'll ever find her

The nights at its end
I'm still laying in my bed

After such a high I've made a discovery
I found a new sleep a plane unaccompanied

The sun at its edge
Rays rise as if pledged

My worries are at an end
Another sleepless night in my bed

I want to write words of meaning
Words with density
My poetry has suffered from my lack of integrity
I want so much to write the words I'm feening
I want the emotions that drives the ink to flow
The passion that urges my mind know
The love that makes the passion glow
Where did it go?

Sometimes I feel so numb
Like I have no heart no soul
Other times I'm overwhelmed with emotions
Enough love to fill the world
Sometimes I feel like you're the only one for me
Like you're the very air I breathe
And other times I want to rip your heart out
I hate everything about you
Sometimes I love you
And other times I don't
Am I crazy?