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Sep 2016 · 364
Ode to my Lu
Lani Sep 2016
I remember it well
It's one of those things you simply can not forget
From that moment I stood there in the bathroom
Staring down at that little pink plus sign
It felt like my whole world came crashing down on me
Fear and joy engulfed me and the unknown startled me

Who will you be?
this little person that I am creating?
Will you look like me?
So many question so many thought of doubt
Can I do this?
Can I be your mom?
So many

As you grew inside of me
It became more and more real
As if the severe morning sickness wasn't real enough
Can I do this?

As my body changed
and I felt you move inside of me
Nothing else mattered
The fear of the unknown was no longer a factor
I can do this

From that moment I laid there
Cover in cold gel
Seeing your little limbs move on the screen
The first time I saw you
I loved you then
So deeply

When you came out of me
And into my arms
I loved you even more
I didn't even know that was possible
I love you my Lu
Mar 2015 · 475
5Th Fleet
Lani Mar 2015
I've come so far as a woman
As a person
As a human
There were times I thought I'd never see the light of day
And there were times when we dreaded the rising sun

There were nights I wish to never remember
And nights I wish I'd never forget
Being in the middle of the ocean
With no land in sight for miles

Everything seems so much more alive
Back in society where lights pollutes the night sky
I yearn to see the millions of stars shining down on me again
The Earth spoke to me

In lovely tones and scents
In velvet and tweets
With the rush of the wind
And warmth of the rays

In the smell of salt
And the cooling of mist
In the dawn
And in the ending nautical twilight

I've come so far
Or so I thought
The Earth spoke to me again
But I can't listen
May 2014 · 359
...
Lani May 2014
...
I don't who I've become lately
I'm doing things I normally wouldn't do

I feel like I'm growing
but into what?

One nights and cheap wine
Who am I anymore?
Dec 2013 · 554
The Old Me
Lani Dec 2013
It's so funny looking back
At my old words
It hasn't been that long since then
But it's a whole new world

I made a choice in life
That turned out to be the best choice
My life has changed so much
In so little time

The dark place I was in once before
Has been casted away by a new horizon
The gloom that bloomed within
Has been replaced with such enlightenment

My hearts has found a new love
One that isn't toxic
One that makes me life go around

It's funny truly
How much people can change in so little time.
Nov 2012 · 721
Untitled
Lani Nov 2012
I was there when you were sick cold and alone
I held you close and told you I would never let go

You looked into my eyes spilling lies
And I could not see through the deceit

I don't know why I fell for those obvious falsity
The ones you told as you held me close

It warmed my heart to hear those lies
Escape your lips into my ears
Nov 2012 · 680
:)
Lani Nov 2012
:)
I try to masque it
The gloom inside
I wear a smile
Laugh at all their jokes
Pretend to be enthused about things
But it's all a lie.
I'm a lie.
Nov 2012 · 2.0k
Fuck
Lani Nov 2012
We broke up so many times.
So many times I've moved on
But you keep coming back for more
And me being silly let you back in
Then the whole process repeats itself

I don't know how much longer
I can take this pain
The constant touch and go is becoming tedious
I want to be numb
Like I once used to be

I don't want to feel your dagger piercing my heart
I don't want to look into your eyes and want you so much
I don't want to love you anymore
Numbness please come back to me
Save me from myself

This pain is over bearing
I want to cry but my tears are all dried
For I have cried too many times.
I want to be numb
Numbness please come back to me
Oct 2012 · 2.5k
Sense?
Lani Oct 2012
Sometimes I wonder about my sanity
If I have any
I often wonder if there's others like me
Who think the way I do
Notice and exam the things I do
I'm quite unusual and I know it
No matter what anyone says
"You're not weird Lannie"
They only the know the facade I put on
The fake smile and glow I wear
Underneath there's nothing but dust and shells
I wonder if anyone had the mind I had
How long would it take for them to lose it
Its been 21 years and I'm still holding on
barely
Over analysis
Emotional
Short tempered
and irrational
I am insane
Constant feeling of dread and doomed
Complexity can be interesting
to a certain point
I am insane
And I know it.
Oct 2012 · 633
You're there.
Lani Oct 2012
I get online and the first thing I do is scan the right side of the screen
Hoping to see your name with a green dot next to it.
Why do I do this to myself?
I know that you're no good for me and that last thing I should do
Is try to be with you
But I love you and I want you so bad it hurts
Why can't I get over this sickness?
Every night before I lay my head
You're on my mind
The first thing I think of when the sun rises
Is you
I just  want to be free of you
Free of the burden of loving you
How long will this take
For my heart to make a mends
I want to be over you already
Please get out of my head.
Oct 2012 · 1.5k
Will you?
Lani Oct 2012
If I wrote you a love letter
With words sweeter than nectar
Then will you understand me
But then again how can you
When I don't even understand myself
What if I sang to you a love song
Will the words dripping from my lips
Make you feel me?
Will it help you see
That I'm not as heartless as I seem
If I drew you a picture
With ink or charcoal
Then will you see what I see?
Will the images in my mind spilt
Onto the blank white canvas
Make you see the real me?
What about a painting
Maybe oil or then again pastel
With colors and life
Vigorous lines and shades
will you see that I'm not so insane
Rather trapped
In my own mind
In an infinite maze with no idea of how to escape
Will you then pardon me?
If I were to write to you sing to you
draw for you or paint you
Then
Will you eventually
Love me for me?
Oct 2012 · 895
Ponder
Lani Oct 2012
My days are growing longer
Waiting in anticipation
Where am I going?
What do I do?
I just don't know anymore

There will be a time
When I will have everything I need
But until then I'm stuck
In this ever incessant swirl pool
That leads no where

Time is so slow these days
Oct 2012 · 968
The first time
Lani Oct 2012
was unorthodox
far from the fairy tales you're told as a child

An ever daunting trilogy
which is so unlike me
Meet someone

The very first time was
Odd. Sixty seconds of agony.
fall madly in love

The second first time was
Sordid. Seven hundred and twenty minutes of cat and mouse.
The mouse lost.
consummate

The last first time was
Amore. Eight thousand five hundred and sixty-five hours of pure ignorant bliss
They say the first cut it the deepest
what about all three?
Oct 2012 · 1.5k
My body
Lani Oct 2012
is Gold
Twenty-four karat. Gold
With curves and turns
You'll never know
Hips and ****
And legs that go for miles

Curves. From my head to my toes
Slim? Is that me? No!
I would never want to be
They tell you to be this or be that
They never say. BE YOU.

I choose to BE me.
Coke bottle
Hour glass
Womanly
Feminine
I am a woman

I will be never be.
**Skeletal
Oct 2012 · 1.3k
Sleep
Lani Oct 2012
All these feelings in my head
Swirling circling thread by thread

Every memory every sway
Fragmented fermenting as I lay

Drunken thoughts leave me buzzed
Don't know why I'm making such a fuss

Round and round like a merry go round
Not sure if I'm lost or found

Off in the night my mind wanders
Not sure if I'll ever find her

The nights at its end
I'm still laying in my bed

After such a high I've made a discovery
I found a new sleep a plane unaccompanied

The sun at its edge
Rays rise as if pledged

My worries are at an end
Another sleepless night in my bed
Oct 2012 · 1.6k
Missing
Lani Oct 2012
I want to write words of meaning
Words with density
My poetry has suffered from my lack of integrity
I want so much to write the words I'm feening
I want the emotions that drives the ink to flow
The passion that urges my mind know
The love that makes the passion glow
Where did it go?
Oct 2012 · 1.8k
Hot and Cold
Lani Oct 2012
Sometimes I feel so numb
Like I have no heart no soul
Other times I'm overwhelmed with emotions
Enough love to fill the world
Sometimes I feel like you're the only one for me
Like you're the very air I breathe
And other times I want to rip your heart out
I hate everything about you
Sometimes I love you
And other times I don't
Am I crazy?

— The End —