You tell me you love me
and then we smile.
I know it’s been a while,
but the pain is still here.
Every year I shed another tear.
He told me he loved me,
I don’t quite know what that means.
He told me he loved me,
those words ring in my ears.
You love me? Oh, do you?
Well I feel the same,
but now we’ll never see each other again.
I’m sorry,
I’m sad.
You were my best friend.
I’ll love you forever and always,
Over and over again.

You’d be sixteen, hell ya it’s true.
You’d party it up-
Smoke ****,
Drink *****.
But would you? Or have I mistaken?
I will never know because you were taken
From me.
I will never get to see
what you could have been to me.
You’ll always be fourteen
and not a year older,
or two,
or three…
When people ask me about you,
I just say “Let me be!”
I can’t think of you,
I can’t and I won’t.
You make me cry and mope,
so instead of thinking of you,
I escape and I smoke.
At least for a little bit, you are dormit in my mind,
but when I come down and I start to unwind-
I have come to find
that the smoke in my lungs and the drink in my veins is
never
going to bring you back to me again.
You’re gone forever,
up in heaven, or wherever people like you go,
is where you will stay.
At least I can call you my homie
Forever and always.

*p.s. thank you for never being anything less than you and always loving me for me.

"twenty"

I love taking long, slow walks
barefoot
at night when the cement is
warm and the air is clean.
Twenty
is looking like it'll be another year
filled with over generosity
and energy vampires.
I only crave french kisses
and love making
and money
steadily flowing into my bank account.
Maybe twenty will be filled with only dreams.

ar

I'll call you yesterday, tomorrow, today.
Not out loud, of course,
In my mind- that's where it'll stay.
You miss me, you have to!
I'm drifting away
into this sweet nothing.
I've been here before.
It's not quite that sweet
but it keeps me less bored.
"It's you, it's you. It's all for you,
everything I do.
I tell you all the time,
Heaven is a place on Earth with you."
Your words repeat in my ears.
I can't help it but they run away
with my tears.
Every time I cry for you,
about you,
with you,
a little piece erodes away.
I want to stay,
but baby, it get's harder and harder
every day.

“d.r.”

i’d sail the earth to find him.
i’ve seen into the minds of men,
i’ve read their eyes,
i’ve kissed their fears;
but not one has touched my heart the way he has.

i have not kissed, touched, or known him,
yet
his heart is pure and
my bones ache for his embrace.

i yearn for his tough skin in my sheets.
i long for silence in his company.

i wish to sit in the pale moonlight and
kiss him til my heart and his
are married
and pregnant with our third child.

i want to know him for all eternity.

ar

"placed"

feeling chronically out of place.
out of place around friends,
family,
strangers.
out of place in temecula,
new york-
maybe I have always been
out of place
because I'm not too sure
where my place is.
I am a floater.
a diamond amongst the *******
a daffodil amongst the weeds
a spring chicken amongst
the school children.

I am yearning to be placed.

ar

"ny"

he's *****;
smelly, sticky, stained.
nowhere in my heart does he belong.
once upon a time,
I saw something beautiful in his heart,
lush and green,
quiet-
not spoiled or tainted by what he has been surrounded by.
but once upon a time is a distant,
faded memory-
too far away for recollection.
when I fly away, I will leave him behind.
I will have ridded myself of him.

ar

"vincent"

he is loved
wholly
by me.
everyday, I live with
intention.
I keep him in
mind.
no
I am not expecting him soon
no
I am not in a hurry

but when I am ready
and he is ready to find his way to me,
I will be eager to have him.

ar

"r"

eighteen days
until I flee this teenage body
and inhabit my fully grown one

eighteen days until I am
who I will be

she should be here to guide me through this process
but she is not and
never will be again

each day pressure is applied nearing her to her
pearly neck grave.

she will be a pearl in my daughter's heart;
Valerie Aisling

a

"art boy"

I sit waiting for him,
the gemini boy who has
touched my heart
unlike any other.

The artist boy who draws
like butter on a fresh
baguette.

The kind boy who smiles
and makes me feel safe.

He is trustworthy

but so is everyone
until they aren't anymore.

ar

"north meadow"

A soft summer's breeze
licks my face.
Songs of the birds echo
in the construction.
A black nanny comforts
a white child
and all is "calm".

12.47 pm

ar

"tangled"

he makes it too easy
the butterflies have come
much too quickly.
my irresponsible brain projects
a lovely garden,
a cottage,
a child.

our energies have tangled
together and knotted twice.
I wish to see him but
he is trapped in the ***** city
and I must return to
posh village.

his girlfriend
would not be happy
about this..

ar

“jazz”

sweet sax drizzles itself over me
like honey,
sticking to my limbs-
oh so sweet.
on the day my heart smiled,
the sky was lilac,
and filled with cotton candy clouds.
the birds sang like piano keys;
the bees, like bass.
the flowers shared their tender smiles and
transported me to a time where
he and i
were real
and our hearts could smile freely.

ar

"let's play"

my jaw aches
wisdom teeth are eagerly
pushing through the surface
but I am not wise.
I am a child
who has
a diagnosed mother
a diseased father
a demonic brother

I have been diagnosed with adulthood
                     diseased with reoccurring tragedies
                     and plagued by demonic thought and
ideas that creep inside my mind
when the banshees come out
to play at night.

ar

“him”

i love him-
it feels unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.
i wish my grandma was here so I could tell her about the boy from New York
who has long dreadlocks and
does art and
reads insightful novels and
does yoga.
i want to run into his arms;
squeeze him tight.
i want to lock my lips together with his
full lips
and sigh a great sigh of relief.
i want to trace his body with my fingers and
i want him to paint me
white.
i’d live in Greenwich village for him.
only
for him.

ar

“two thousand five hundred and fifty four”

never get drunk and think about
the boy you love
that lives thousands of miles away.

don’t let your lips get wet
at the thought of his ***** hands.

ignore your increased heartbeat
when you relive him ordering
a cup of black coffee.

don’t allow your eyes to leak
when you remember his french girlfriend
and the fact that you and he
will never
be together again.

ar

“home”

my curves call him over-
every crease and cut is his to paint.

my eyes see thirty years into the future;
french doors swing open to reveal a
danish garden in the
spanish countryside.
i kiss my three children with my heart,
i kiss him with my mind.
tuscan tiles tell tales while i
chop cherry tomatoes.
our cottage is cozy and cluttered with scents of
cammomile, cedar, cinnamon.
i couldn’t have dreamed of contentment like this.
i can die happy with them by my side.

ar

“nov. 2017”

silence is loud
silence is hearing nothing but
the crickets
and a heart pumping blood.
abandonment
is coming home to the same unwashed dishes
and the same baron bookshelf
and the same
silence.
regret is looking at an empty staircase
and recalling every yell and sob it has seen.
disappointment is a cage,
a cell,
a young boy calling for help.
a tall boy trapped in hell.
a kind boy stuck inside himself.

“dreams: four nineteen a.m.”

naked bodies dance
to music we made in his
soft linen sheets.
his Greenwich apartment
is filled with brick walls and unfinished art;
it smells of leather and rain.
we fold our bodies into different shapes
on mats on the floor.
he assures me
my heart will not break anymore.
i look at my hand and a ring
reminds me this is my forever

then my thoughts fade into heather.
my eyes spring open,
eager for his warm embrace-
instead i lay in an Ikea bed with jersey sheets.

i suppose i shall continue to dream until our hearts finally meet.

ar

kiss me underneath the pale moonlight,
our toes buried in the red sands.
when the suns begin to rise,
continue to kiss me,
as if we are parentless teens.
you are my parasite, i have loved you for an eternity.
this is a bond that can't be broken,
our spirits have eloped.
our minds have now departed,
up into the nebulas and stars and dust.
i will never forget this pathogenic romance,
for as long as my spirit lives.
human we are not,
for we are the star people's kids.

this night is especially
dark and cold.
the moon's haunting glow doesn't shower me with light;
your heart is closed up tight.
i will take anything i can get from you.
**** me, cherish me, abuse me too.
whichever your mind desires,
because right now, your heart is too tired.
-
hold me close and let me breathe,
this is where i'm supposed to be.
stroke my arms and play with my hair,
the way things crumbled is just not fair.
comfort me and tell me it'll be alright,
even when positivity is nowhere in sight.
i've loved you long before i was this self in this body on this planet.
we met a long time ago,
our souls collided.
this is not the way it was supposed to end.
we are not destined to be just  friends.
we floated amongst the stars in the galaxies and soared from planet to planet.
i didn't know when i'd see you again, there wasn't much time to plan it.
zero gravity is where we will see our happy ending.
no earth words can be said that won't be received as condescending.
i just know,
God has set us up effortlessly.
now is not the time,
but baby you can't run,
what is meant to be will be.

What have I become?
I drink and I smoke,
I cry and mope,
and I **** and I poke
and loose myself in what I didn't want to be.
Just be you!
Is that so hard?
Not a ***** or a ****
or a *** or a broad.
I have loved him
the same
since the first day.
I've watched him recycle girls-
just throw them away.
I've been by his side
and that is where i will stay.
Just hoping that one day,
I'll have my way.

round and round they go
intertwined in the heather sky
black bodies taunt and play
a thunder crack licks my lips
i stalk them with my eyes
narrow and tall it stands still
they rest upon it's frame
the sky, it mourns the loss of few
i'm not ready to die
but nothing is the same.

i kissed you last night,
and the night before that,
but only in my dreams.
not lustful or memorable,
you make me want to scream,
"NOTICE ME! NOTICE ME!
how come you do not look?
i've dressed in your favorite lingerie,
oh, please put down your book."
but when i wake in the morning, day just seems so dreary
i can't believe this is it, i'm always ******* weary.

Darling,
I want you to crave my kisses first thing in the morning.
I want nothing more than absolute happiness for you each and every day. I can only hope that in your future, there is space enough for me to love you unconditionally. Your gifts never cease to amaze me. Your every wish is my command. I do not care to live in this cruel cruel world without you in it. We met in the cosmos many millenniums ago and I shall be with no other.

From the depths of my heart,
I love you,
Alanna Renée

The breeze from my fan gently caresses my body.
I am engulfed in the sweetness of the silence
and the ***** of the dark.
It's twenty-eight past one and I'm wide awake.
It isn't insomnia that overwhelms me on this night.
It is the thought of my queens stepping off their thrones
for me.
Mother and grandmother will be united with their prized possession in mere moments;
well moments are actually hours,
but time is slipping through my fingers.
Who would have thought that on the first of August,
a single visit from a family member could make me feel this way?
Happiness truly does exist when you wait for it.
He sure is a trickster in the world of imagination:
He hides for such a long time and makes it appear as if he has gone,
but he's not.
He's watching every move
and after a few cases of disphoric actions occur,
Happiness, accompanied by Karma, jump out to save their children.
It's beautiful,
also quite irritating,
but beautiful, all the same.
This is just the way of the world.
The sooner one comes to this realization,
the sooner they will be content with their own being.

"Good morning", he said, as he kissed me on my cheek.
My eyes fluttered open in a still room.
I smelled the salt of bacon and the sweet of pancakes.
“Jump out of bed”, I say to myself, “for it will be a lovely day.”
"Good morning, honey." I say to him, as he stood in front of the stove.
His beautifully, muscular arms flexed and relaxed while he stirred his morning tea.
He sipped slowly and I embraced him comfortably from the back.
For everything was splendid and positive and peaceful.

18 days have passed and
every morning, that has led up to this one, has been the same.
He wakened me with the comfort of his lips and he cooked me breakfast and he loved me.
But,
on the eighteenth day,
bad news came from his brother.
His mother had died.
He said, "It was too hard to bear."
In the day to come,
I did not receive his soft embrace to get me out of bed.
I received silence, or solitude, or the scorching sting of his slap.
He did not make me breakfast,
nor did he make lunch,
nor did he make dinner.
He yelled and cried and the tea he drank
became *****,
then whiskey,
then ***.
My mournings became my mornings.
The look of adoration and strength slipped from his eyes,
and from that eighteenth day 'til this one,
his eyes have been cold and violent.
The light never shines in this house,
and it is no longer a home
to me or to him or to our hopes or our dreams.
I love him so and I want to caress him and tell him he can get better from this,
but he has been experimenting with drugs and
hate flows in his veins
and the stench of alcohol consumes his heart.
Help please,
I love him and I can not let him go.

"We were laughing in a daydream."*
The clouds began to disappear.
Rays of sunlight trickle upon your face.
I kissed all of your fears away.
Days like this come very few.
Let's enjoy it,
for all will be gone soon.
A smile appears on your face-
reassurance that I'm not too late.
Our love is strong like the sea.
Days like this,
are miracles.
Miraculous memory making
between beautiful babies-
in the eyes of the Earth, that is.
Not even a small blip on the radar of the universe.
How is our love so secure?

rip me apart.
tell me now that i am worth your ridicule.
ostracize me please.
that is exactly what i need.
tell me how i am not worth anything.
my family doesn't even love me,
and that's alright by me.
when i wake up,
i'll remember you yelling in my face
i'm worth less, oh am i?
yep.
i know.
******* ****  ahhhhHHHHHHHHHH
ALRIGHTY
i'm feeling good now.
i'm just gonna go upstairs now and draw a picture of
a teenage, african-american girl with wild, unmanageable curly hair shedding every ounce of water in her body
out on this here paper.
i may play some metal
or maybe old school rap.
it's all right.
everything is perfect, family.
don't worry about me please don't.
i'm okay really.
i don't think about death every second of every day:
monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday and sunday-
nope.
not once have i layed on my grungy carpet and tried to scratch the flesh off of my fat arms and
bled.
i would never even think to do **** a horrendous thing.
i love me so that's enough, right?
but when the love that i have for myself
starts competing with the love that my family is supposed to have for me
then maybe things may become difficult.
it might start to become difficult for me to love myself the way i should be loved.
im ******* fantastic.
but who cares if I see that?
if no one else sees it then might as well be a *******, right?
if my parents interrogate me every ******* time i leave the house
like they have caught me shooting ****** in my room,
what will stop me from actually shooting up morning, afternoon, and before bed?

A poem a day keeps
the good thoughts in their place.
I’ve been here before,
but I’ll stay out of the way.
Others have lessons to learn,
I'm just here to guide.
I don’t feel like staying inside,
Or going outside.
I've been here before,
There’s nothing too new.
Even if there was,
I’ll figure it out before you do.
I'm here to guide you,
But I’ll stay in my place
I’ve been here before,
But I’ll just relax-
There’s no need race.

i met a boy
who’s demons you could see
dancing down hallways.
he sang with the birds in the citrus trees.  
music dripped from him like blood from his flesh.
there’s some red flags,
but many more green.


250220//a.r.

I said “No.
Not ever again. I won’t like him!
We’re just great friends.”
That worked for a bit,
until you gave me what I've wanted
since our first kiss.
You told me,
“I’d be the perfect girlfriend.”
So where is that now?
Jesus!
I’m not asking for kids!
I just want you.
You’re so much more than you think you are.
I wish you could see just how beautiful you are to me.
I treasure your dark eyes,
and the way you twirl your ***** hair when you are focused.
I love the way you laugh way too loud for a joke that isn't that funny.
I want to wake up to you every morning
and fall asleep with you every night.
Butterflies don't even describe what happens inside
when I see you.
Each time I see you with her,
my organs and arteries
contort and shift
and the gaping void inside me widens.
Each time you don't wave back,
the despair in my bones
aches and cries and moans.
When it's not me that you run to in your time of need,
I slice my heart open and watch myself bleed
until-

I can say, "You'll love me one day." for all eternity,
but until you realize that I am the one for you,
the way that I have,
they are only words.
Meaningless,
disgusting,
irrelevant.
Just like me.

He possesses my body.
My thighs crave his hands
and my fingers long for his ***** hair.
He is not good to me.
He penetrates dozens of other females.
He ***** them, but we make love.
My body has shaped itself so he fits perfectly inside.
His DNA lingers on my skin and I can still taste him on my tongue.
I don't think I love him but
It sure does feel like love oh my
it sure does feel like love.
Traces of our kids have sunken into my skin.
Mommy loves you.
Toffee eyes capture the attention of my midnight, tear drenched ones.
How can he experience this with others?
How can he stroke and kiss and *** with them,
when they are not me?
I am special;
I am loved by him
and he
is loved
by me.

What happened to us not judging one another and being open and able to share anything at any time?
just tell me...
when?
when?
when?
Tell me how long until one of us sees the light?
or am i just stuck in the dark?
When will I be enough for you?
All I needed was love and appreciation.
I needed to know that everything I did to keep you in my arms
was enough
because you were all that mattered to me.
What happened to us texting each other all night long
and sharing deep dark secrets at 3 in the morning?
What happened to us sneaking around with one another
so our parents didn't catch us in the act?
When will I matter to you as much as you matter to me?
When will I be enough?
When did I become to weak to keep you?
please
Bring me towards the light.
Just let me know.

the paintings on the wall have heard it all;
every sob,
every strain,
every silent scream.
as the dim moonlight peeked through my blinds,
my paintings were the only ears i had to witness
every ******,
every pant,
every tear.
a demonstration of an invasion within
my numb body.
unable to say yes or
no.
my cottage was robbed,
because i thought it was safe
to slip into a sweet slumber
with the door unlocked.

let's get something straight, i dont love people. i dont even like people, so when i said "i love you"...

you were my world, my whole  ******* world and i love you more today than i ever have
your blood runs through my veins and we breathe the same air because my lungs are your lungs and my hands are your hands and my body is yours
so love me and abuse me and treasure me and hate me because
I ONLY WANT YOU...
and any way you present yourself to me is acceptable
because you are perfect and flawless and
you hurt me a lot
but it is ok because you love me and your love is beautifully tragic and at least i wont have to be alone in this hellish captivity i have been calling my home for all these years.

wrap me in your love,
then rip it away.
i've been feeling lonely these last couple of days.
i've gone to all my meetings,
and i promised to stay clean,
but there's something so intriguing about you,
you evil fiend.
it feels like I'm going psychotic,
but it's alright,
you're my narcotic.
and tonight, i shall OD.

Everyday I look for you.
I know you're gone but still...
Every class, every test, every ******* meal.
I still ask myself, "Why you?"
Can anybody answer that? Really? Who?
I die a little more each day,
waiting for you to hold me again;
to tell me you love me and for me to smile.
I know it's bee a while,
but the pain is still here.
Every song I hear, brings one more tear
to add to the collection
and more and more nostalgic seconds.
You're supposed to be here with me,
not with Marilyn and Bob Marley.
I was mad at you in the beginning,
but anger doesn't bring a happy ending.
I cried today and yesterday and the day before that...
I wonder what happened to your favorite hat.
This is terrible, i feel like ****.
Who knew this would be it?

We had an energetic exchange
and his energy has intertwined with my own
and his children have sunken into my skin
and his lips are imprinted on my own.
I feel as if I have to discard myself in order to discard him
from me.
We made art with our bodies
and I can't tell you how artistic it was that he curves gently to the left
and his hands felt as if they were made only to grab my throat.
I loved every inch of his body
and I have it memorized so well
I could sketch it out.
He was art to me.
In every kiss was a song;
in every goodbye, a melancholy tear.
At night, I can remember the way his chaliced hands traced my figure
and how comforted I felt when his muscular arms hugged my limbs.
I can still taste him
and it's a taste that even Burnett's can rid me of.
He was mine;
every piece and square centimeter had my name on it,
but just as quickly as we fell in love,
my name was wiped clean by
someone
else.

this group reminds me of you and only you.
i usually listen to it in the wee hours of the night
when my heart break is so predominant, your voice rings in my ears.
i use the music to drown you out
but instead of washing my senses clean,
it enhances your presence in my head.
i talked to you for the first time in a while today and it was alright.
then when i didn't receive your message,
you had invited me to hang out.
I’m out of town and i miss you and i want you.
even if you don’t give a **** about me,
that's okay.
as long as you pretend to love me, that's enough.
that's awful but that's how it is.
i only want you,
in any form that you present yourself to me.

It has been twelve weeks since ive laid my eyes on your lovely face
You have ceased to exist for only 8 of them
My eyes are tired now and they roam no farther than sheets I shield my body in.
Twelve weeks yet, I have aged 12 years.
I am not free,
I am trapped within the prison I call me
Twelve weeks and I miss your accent stained lips, your silver shining hair.
In twelve more weeks, I still will not care about the petty everyday dramas;
For no one's heart can be as weary as mine.

my eyes are so tired,
i rub them for a moment so they can rest.
marbles of sadness roll down my cheeks,
then down upon my neck.
draped with pearls and gems and jewels,
they'll never be enough.
for all i wanted was your love,
but you don't give a ****.

she looked at him through rose colored glasses;
her vision blurred by her expectations and his potential.
everyday and every night
he stayed unfaithful
but even still, she slept with him 'til early in the morning.
he left each day and returned to his unfaithful ways.
why wont she just let him go?

Seal up my love and ship it away.
There may be many out there for me,
but only one caresses my heart and cuddles my soul.
His name must abstain from my lips.
For his train, I have missed and I'll watch it whistle away.
Continue down this path in hell.
I count the days you've wished me will or
said goodnight or held me tight.
Your words no longer kiss my ears
or love my fears
or tell me sorrowful lullabies.
Give me my heart back,
in a cup.
The sunset can wait.
I want you as mine.
I;ll love you until the skies run dry,
until your lips graze mine,
until the end of time