the full moon sprinkles it's pale light in
i try to breathe deep
but
i feel like there are splinters in my lungs and
shards in my heart.
just
come inside
and take them out.

i would have stood on rooftops
and bell towers
and light houses
singing your praises;
i believed in us.
i believed i could mend your brokenness;
And with the gift of my
pure
body,
you would be healed.
you disgusted me
you disguised yourself in sheep's wool and made yourself look lovable and malleable and open
but i am allergic to wool and your façade
left me
cold and
violated
and alone.
i believed i loved you
and you loved me
but we see so clearly now,
a wolf in sheep's clothing cannot find love
with a swan.

its beautiful outside-
the breeze blows, the sun shines.
im tragically unstable.
no one is listening,
I am tragically unstable.

“Darkness falls across the land.
The midnight hour’s close at hand.”*
Strangers creep and growl and stalk
searching for something to pluck.
A young one,
misguided,
too much makeup on
and too short shorts.
She’s vulnerable and scared,
not ready to stroke.
Her mom is gone,
her dad drinks all day long.
She doesn't listen to anyone;
not a preacher or a teacher,
or a friend or a foe.
She’s out on her own,
so cold and alone.
This is what they look for
for play.

The sky opened up and you apppeared.
A man, a memory, a wrinkled smile-
Your laugh runs in and out of my ears.
All is purposeful,
nothing a mistake.
Every twist and curve, of your teeth
were placed exactly where they lie.
Every follicle in your head
for a reason
in the season we call spring.
Cross the street when you did.
The man that hit you-
the way you died.
Nothing a mistake, my love.
Your body floats away.
Your voice is not the same.
I don't remember what you said to me...
I can't remember your noise.
A colossal waste of time is what you were.
you loved me and made me really happy
then you are ripped away
like a comb in this matted hair of mine.
My heart was broken in more ways then just one, the day you left.
Your body stayed,
your bones remain.
*I *have to let you go.

We're not speaking.
You've got a girlfriend,
my heart is broken.
I've cried myself to sleep...
I'll continue to hide in the shadows until
it is my time.
I have unfollowed you,
so I don't hurt everyday
when I see you two together.
"Alanna, just go out and enjoy the weather."
But sadly, it's hard to feel the breeze when
my skin is numb.
I'm frozen,
shattered,
raw.
I may be dumb,
but that's why I stay.
Loving you just feels right
and wrong.
All I am sure about is how you make me feel and
for me,
that's all that matters...

Count the times you cut my heart.
You watched me bleed,
I sparked a port.
Your words caress my face.
Remember when we were just friends?
Rondevous and danger,
what a mix.
Pour me up a little drink,
let me smoke this spliff.
When it was just me and you,
our minds could coexist.
Now that there is like three or four,
I always feel so sick.
Let me love the way you are,
the way you wanna be.
Can I just take care of you?
Let's travel from nation to nation and see what we see.
Hold me inside your world
and let me kiss your neck.
We'll all live happily,
if you just let me in.

hold me tight for one last night.
tell me everything will be alright.
when you said, "I love you,"
it wasn't to me- like i had hoped.
It was to her.
My heart was broken and shattered and it hurt me to breathe for a while and it still hurts sometimes but my breathing has gotten better and
you are not mine.
when you come near, i wheeze and huff and puff and sigh.
You have hurt my heart,
i'll just get high
and burn these thoughts away.
when you make me sad and grey,
i fiend for something to make me sane.
illegal things fill my craving
but they'll never bring me a happy ending.
i will cry myself to death.

I have found you,
but in your eyes, I'm not seen.
I may be different,
but you don't have to be so mean.
I know of my abilities.
I know of yours too.
Just show me something.
Let your indigo light flatter my features
and caress my soul.
It's not red or coral
or navy or white.
We're indigos and nothing compares.
A rare breed, is what we are.
A rare breed of "kids"
We've been here before, we already know better.
We see signs of greatness and glimmers of power.
Don't underestimate us,
for these indigos are anything but cowards.

I want you,
only you,
all of you,
Forever with you.
I believe there’s a plan for you and I.
We’ll grow up,
move on,
then you’ll come back and “we” will be.
Maybe...
My heart throbs
When I see you laugh.
That smile is worth a thousand words
and a million songs.
Yet,
Somehow,
I cannot choose
any combination of sounds
from any of the thousands of languages
found on this one planet,
in this one galaxy,
in the billions of multiversus.
We are nothing in the cosmic perspective,
But you,
You are everything.

i swallowed half a bottle last week.
tell me when the ***** will be enough.
tell me when i'll be enough.
i die a little more each day.
a little piece used to erode away from my flesh when i cried,
now there's no more to go.
"Oh, how rude of me to bring my thoughts inside your bedroom."
i am only a Guilty Sadist,
waiting for my soul to float back into infinity.
These problems are only in my imagination.
"We don't even exist anyways."
That's what i keep telling myself but,
this pain seems so real.
The emotional things are becoming physical
and these cuts and bruises on my body aren't fictional.
I am ****** to hell,
but it's not a physical place.
Heaven and hell are only states of mind.
maybe i can escape
and maybe not.
Don't ridicule me because i don't believe in god or allah or buddah or satan,
i have killed myself enough for the both of us.
i am in a whirlwind of emotions and heartbreaks and tears and screams and ghosts and demons and
music.
let the music play.
hear the gentle strum of the guitar and it will all be alright
... but it is still here.
help me
.
**please

i thought it would be like the movies.
i thought you would kiss me for the last time before i left your arms forever.
i wanted you to chase me as i walked away.
i wanted you to embrace me
and kiss me beneath the moon.
boy, were my thought misguided.
you didn't chase after me like you should have-
like i wanted you to.
the feeling i felt as i tuned away
is the feeling i will feel forever:
unwanted.

break me down, lift me up.
one more day and i'll be gone.
mental states are crazy.
all i want is you and me, baby.
kiss me goodnight.
i'll feel your hair and touch the ground you lay in.
you shot-
me down from the sky.
i'll love you forever,
i don't know why.
"manic depression has captured my soul."
i shot-
my life and ****** it to hell.
lets cuddle and laugh and stare at the stars.
the grass keeps me warm...
i'll love you again
between the bars of these gates.
I seen God today.
oh look! a shooting star,
please, oh please, let's make a wish.
Au Revior, my love.
I'll see you real soon.
The flames gonna consume you again
before the night is through.

in films
love seems inevitable
intimacy seems comfortable
*** seems sensual.
somehow, the writer of my play has changed the rules
love seems impossible
intimacy seems uncomfortable and
*** seems like a mans one and only goal.

my body has been tainted by a boy
with scruffy sideburns
bleached hair and toffee eyes.
i found his brokenness
intriguing
flattering
mysterious.
his skin was like a newport on a nipped february morning
his hair like a wool knitted sweater
he tasted like apricots drenched in wine.
he kissed me like he loved me
he licked me like he missed me
he held me like he'd never let me go.
he rode his bike everywhere,
his heart was cold as snow.

let me hug your limbs.
love me backward and foreword.
we’ll run away with the wind.
let me love your hands,
your waist, your sins.
love me over and over again.
together forever?
that's what we said.
love me backward, forward.
that’s all i need.

When you said such insightful things,
things that make me think and stop and be,
you have me hooked.
When we can stay up until 5 in the morning
and talk about the universe
and aliens and death,
as well as weather patterns and ways we can uncorrupt our nation,
and not be bored,
and not have one second of unfilled silence,
that's the day
I will fall in love.
Argue with my theories and be honest and accept when I tell the truth and know when it's all a bluff.
I don't need to be married to my best friend,
but I need to marry someone that loves me for me.
Someone who can expand my miniscule mind.
Someone who can accept that I am, in fact, insane.
Say things so profound, I have to rethink all that I have thought before.
And when I don't understand or believe in what you do,
explain
or don't,
but be okay with the difference of opinions and theories we will have.
We are not all the same and
despite all the disputes and opinions that may create barriers between us,
we love each other and
we will even through disagreements and rants and assumptions.
I promise to always be willing
to hear out things I may not like
and some things may be false.
There may be personality flaws,
but you will have your way.
I'll see more than your brown,
seemingly soulless, eyes,
because your soul is so stunning.
I have no choice but to see who you really are during our glimpses throughout the day.
When you fall asleep on the couch,
while watching documentaries,
I won't make you come to bed.
I'll bring you a blanket,
or better yet,
I'll cuddle up on the couch next to you.
I can't promise that there won't be a dull moment,
because they do happen,
but I can promise to sing in the kitchen while making dinner and I can promise to dance really badly while I get dressed in the morning,
and I definitely promise I will always play music loud enough the neighbors will hear.
I can't promise that everyday will be I will be the best, but
I can say that sometimes I will be the bigger person
and apologize when I was clearly right.
I vow to love you forever,
even after tragedies and fights and hard times.
And all that I ask, in return is that
you do the same for me.

Play that guitar for me.
Nice and smooth.
Play covers of my favorite songs.
Let's listen to you
and love life
and appreciate the good music the world has to offer.
Do I recognize that song?
Maybe? - Yeah!
I've heard that,
but your arrangement is so rad.
How does one wake up each morning
a little better than the night before?
You make life a little easier.
you make me feel sure
of us and lust and trust and serenity.
I love me and you and the universe.
We will live in happiness for a long time
til infinity.