Family always said I was exceptionally well behaved.
Teachers always said I was cooperative and quiet.

They never knew I was peaking on the fear of being the slightest bit noticed by my peers
They never knew I wanted nothing to do with participation or aknowledgement
They never knew I was a soul-less being, just to observe the others around me
They never knew I was worthless, undeserving, unmotivated
They never knew I caged myself inside like a hibernating bear to avoid social crowds

I never knew I didn't have to live this way.
Until now

Throw a few rose petals into the mix.
You always fancied the smell of those.
Do you like mint and sunflower?
I hope so.

Tulips are too soft for you.
I thought you’d prefer buttercups or daffodils.
Don’t worry,
I put both in
for good measure.

Ivy feels nice.
Perhaps you’ll like the taste of it.
Can’t hurt to try.

Remember Christmas?
The mistletoe was romantic.
Perhaps I’ll put some of that in there as well.
The colour’s a little bit off, though.
How about some periwinkle?
Or foxglove, even.
That should make it better.

I hope you like this, dear.
Here, have a sip.
Or two.

Fragile handle with care.
I have animosity towards the moon.
You look upon it with such a warm heart.
If only you could see that it was apart...of me.
The cosmic stars are pieces of my soul that I have sent out
I chose them to hang iridescently high because I do not think you could handle them.
I do not think that you could care for them the way the moon, which you look so fondly upon, does.
I use then darkness as a shield to hide from you who I am.
Who I really am
If you were to peel back the layers of the sky...the atmosphere which I have built to protect me you may see...
A soul that although reigns a good 6 feet tall actually feels as though she is only good enough to ride the kiddy rides at Disneyland.
If you were to listen to what the moon has to say as it phases with the ever changing days you would hear....
I speak loudly because no one listens, even when I am screaming, so just to be heard I say loud obscured things, I don’t mean all the time.
If you were to know what the nocturnal think about when they emerge from their daytime slumbers you would know...
That even though I truly know how things will happen and how my life go I cannot help but to make up scenarios in my head that would rival even the greatest love story.
And if by some way you were to know what the dark is truly like...
You would know what it is like to be me every minute of everyday.
I am the dark...I am fragile. I can be shattered by just the mere presence of a bright light. I am quite and I know the secrets of the world. I can be your greatest companion or the one you can’t rid your life of fast enough. I can be the optimism for a new day or the reminicing of the best day fleeting.
I AM the stars.
I AM the moon.
I AM the silence.
I AM the grey.
I AM fragile like the owl.
Or silent like the shooting star.
I fall just as hard and just as fast but then I am going going gone.
I am just as fragile as the light of the moon.
I am just as fragile. I am just as fragile. I am just as fragile, But if you feel the need to shine your flood light and erase me.
Please let me know first so I can tell dawn to come a little faster so I don’t have to see you **** me with your own bare hands.

How dare you love me, without worry or doubt
Put me on the spot, praise me with your songs
I can't live up to your starshine and glittery expectations
I will surely fall from your pedastool and flatten my image

Let me stumble, crumble-be wrong, I do that so well
You have no idea where I come from, or what I can be
How I cry in the night or lash out at the ones who love me
The stains on my soul leave little room for others

Don't offer your earnest goodness, smelling of truth
Of sweet ginger and citrus when you hold me close
I deny my chemical reaction to your touch, I don't want it
The air between us crackles as you tell me you love me

It's not something I know how to return, I will hurt you
Rendering yourself vulnerable so I will learn to trust
But I will fall and fracture myself-revealing my imperfections
And you will be shamed in my wake

Lilacs sweeten the night although I'm sure to break your heart
Your lips tasting of mint and your arms snaked around my waist
I try to tell myself you're safe, even if I fall-I won't be alone
But I defeat myself, leaving you alone and your scent lingering

Let me be confident.
Let me remember names.
Let me be the best mother I can be.
Let me be the wife my husband married a year ago.
Let me write my words out on paper and not over think things.
Let me show my son the right path.
The path to a world that will make him happy, sad, angry, bitter, better, and stronger.
Let me forgive those who have hurt me.
And keep those that have never hurt me safe.
Let me believe in something.
And stop being so **** cynical.
I need to be everything that I can and want to be.
Please Amanda allow yourself to be what you don't want to be out of anything else in the world.
Please let me be vulnerable.

You haven’t touched me
in ninety-one days. I don’t
know how to tell you.

I haven’t seen your
face in twenty-six days but
it does not miss me.

I’m not allowed to
say I need you so I’ll say
this instead. I care.

I do think I love
you. I don’t think it’s enough.
But I still read the

notes you wrote me. I
still trace your signature with
my eyes. You should know

the spider of your
handwriting still crawls into
my heart late at night.

I haven’t called you
crying in four hundred and
fifty-seven days.

I had not written
you a poem like this for four
hundred fifty-eight.

youve caught me between a hello and a goodbye,
right in the middle of my incessant high.
wait. no, thats a lie.
youve got me between a goodbye and hello,
where your scent still lingers on my pillow,
fueling this high that keeps me on this rollarcoaster ride.

I will not write about love.
No sooner than I had you,
Did I lose you;
You chose to go.
You chose,
You chose.
No.
I will not write about love.

No more tendrils,
No more pain.
Just sleep,
shh, just sleep, My Dear.

I beg you,
Do not wake.

I will not speak of love.
To have it,
Yet know nothing of it.
Just murmurs in the night.
Secrets.
I will not speak of love.

*No more hunger,
No more need.
Just sleep,
shh, just sleep, My Dear.