I no longer feel joy within myself.
I'm always searching for something more
and It's ruining me because I never know what it is.

I want to be happy,
But at the same time
I don't want to feel any happier
than what I'm feeling now.
I know that if I search hard enough,
I'll find what I'm looking for
but I have to find motivation first.

It take way to much effort to even be able
to get out of bed.
Or even look at myself in the mirror.
How can I go through life
if it pains me to look at myself.

I can't keep going like this.

Even the sweet surrender of loving something as sweet as him couldn't even save me.
I was lost, lost in his eyes. I could remember they way he would hold me,
and tell me everything would be okay.
Now he's all just a memory; *my sweet release.

Things aren't like they used to be any more.  Granted I'm a lot happier where I am now, but it’s like my feelings have bi polar disorder. It’s almost exactly like I'm riding a roller coaster every day.
II still have bad days, but so does everyone else. What makes me so special?
I just wanted you to realize that if my feelings had meant a little more to you maybe it wouldn't feel like you were playing around with my feelings. Almost like it was some kind of game for you.
You always had to be the one to win, it always seemed like you had to knock me down to make yourself feel better. I was tired of getting this kind of treatment from my family.
Instead of sticking around to watch myself fall, I decided to stand, Stand up for myself. I was no longer a victim of yours. I made a choice for myself, and even though you didn't seem to agree with me, I didn't care. I wasn't going to have you control MY life.
I was tired of trying to make you see that I was much more than what you could only see on the outside. I wasn't some fat girl you could make fun of, and even though I had a little bit more body mass than you, I could still find beauty in myself, despite what you told me.
This was all a joke. And you say I'm the bad guy. Why don’t you open your eyes? Maybe if you had stopped to smell the roses you may have seen the beauty in life; the beauty that already exists.
There is beauty in everything, and everybody. Just not everyone can see it. And that’s sad, because everybody deserves to be noticed.

I guess I was saying I wanted to get drunk
because I was too afraid to say what I actually wanted.
I was terrified to tell you how I really felt.
I figured if I told you I loved you while I was intoxicated
It could easily be covered up with the excuse that I was drinking.

I want too badly to tell you how I feel,
But I am terrified about how you'll take it.

It was only a dream,
but honestly... it was so much more.
The time i got to spend with you,
will forever be important to me.
You will always hold a special place in my heart.

It was only a dream...
but the moments we shared,
felt so real.
When you kissed me,
It felt like i belonged somewhere.
When you kissed me,
I felt whole.

It was only a dream...
*but everything about it felt so right.

How is it possible to miss someone,
whe you're sitting right next to them?
I guess I just missed the idea of us together.
But the thing I lack the most,
is knowing if you miss me too.

At that moment all I wanted to do,
was wrap you in my arms, and kiss your lips.
I wanted you to stay holding me forever.
For some reason, I felt safe, I felt secure.
You are extremely good at taking my pain away,
And all you have to do is just be there.

I wanted to make you proud.
You told me that I needed to try harder. So I did.
But you also told me that I was never good enough,
Which made me feel like my dreams weren't anything worth dreaming.
I was told, that in order for people to like me, I needed to be skinny.
I was under the impression that if I didn't measure up to your standards,
I would never be good enough for someone else.

I spent days upon days just trying to figure out that my grandmother,
was the one to try to make me somebody I couldn't be.
I spent countless months trying to understand why I was never good enough, Why I could never make her proud.
I only wanted to make you proud.
But when I was cut out of the picture with the scissors I gave you,
It made me think that maybe this wasn't what I was destined to do.
Maybe I had it all wrong.
Maybe I was looking at the wrong family tree.
If you had only known that I spent time crying by myself as I watched the words you say to me exit the wounds on my wrists like scolding lava that left more than just physical scars.
If you had only known that the only thing to save me then was a boy that you hated despite the fact that you had never met.
Maybe,  
Just maybe if you had seen the way my eyes lit up every time he said my name.
Maybe if you had felt the way I melted inside when he looked at me.
Maybe if you had felt the way I did when the butterflies wouldn't settle down every time he said he loved me.

If you had only understood, that from the beginning I only wanted to make you proud. But that wasn't ever good enough. Success was never good enough. My happiness; was never good enough.

I feel like I didn't tell you that I loved you as often as I thought,
and that maybe if I had looked you in the eyes and told you I
loved you as deeply as I felt, I would still be able to love you in person
instead of having to hide behind words that wont come out.
And even though I can't have you now, I am loving you more deeply
than I have ever before and I would give anything now
to feel your lips against mine and to have your body close again.
I have never missed anyone so much before.
I want this feeling of emptiness to be filled with the presence of you being here, but instead my body aches with your absence.

I've missed you
more so than you'd think.

I've also realized,
I have the worst luck
with love.

It's like my skin was ice,
and all I wanted to do was skate.
With the sharp metal pressed against my body
I had no more thoughts left to stop me.
I was being consumed by the monster,
that lived inside my mind.

Not only was I left with physical scars,
I was damaged on the inside.
The monster trying to claw it's way out
beat me until there was nothing left.

I sat in wonder,
trying to figure out if he was still with me.
I had no signs, but I could never be too sure.

He always had a way of letting me know of his presence,
Sometimes I would meet him in my dreams,
or I would see his name in the blood on my skin.
but more often than usual,
I could always find him in my shadow.

It's still shocking
How after all that
I've over come
I can still find myself back
In the same place i started.
It's surprising,
How i thought
That after all I went through
I'd learn from my mistakes,
Or so you'd think.

Here I am,
Sitting on the foot of my bed,
Holding the gun in may hands
Contemplating life.

I was sure i had it all
figured out this time.
I was certain that
I had it all right.
This time,
There was no room
For mistakes.
This time,
I'm sure
My plan
Would follow through.


Bang,
The gun goes off,
The problem had been solved,
I would no longer
Be a mistake.
I would no longer
Trouble you with my presence.
I would no longer hurt you.

Time is a valuble thing;
and although it is merely a concept we came up with ourselves,
we still tresure it deeply.

"I don't have enough time"
Make your own time,
If you want so badly for something to happen,
you have to make it happen.

I've been sitting by for too long waiting for things
to fall right into the palm of my hands.
I wanted the world to give into me.
Then i realized; the world wasn't mine to dominate.
In itself, the world is it's own being,
For years its been captivating life far beyond our capibility.
And for people to think that our mother earth as just an object,
that we can take complete charge of,
is simply a misunderstood idea.

You see; you are exactly like the world,
You are your own being,
I wanted you to fall into me,
but then I realized that you can not take charge of other living things.
You have to let them live on their own.
If they so choose to do things for themselves; let them.

Live for yourself, not others.
Help out when you can.
Love often.
Let things grow.

Captivated by my thoughts
I was lost in a completely different world.
The silence wasn't all that terrible,
but it did keep me busier than i had hoped.
I wasn't prepared for what tomorrow would bring
although I did have to face it eventually.
I wasn't afraid of my future,
just scared of what it may or may not hold within it.
I knew I had to conquer my fears
sooner rather than later but procrastination
always sounded so good.
I knew sleep would bring me closer to it much faster,
so I always held off.
In the morning it didn't seem to matter much though.
I was still going to be caught in tomorrow
no matter how today goes.
All I can do is hope
tomorrow is better than today
because yesterday wasn't okay.

I don't know exactly what I was feeling,
But my hands were shaking and it felt like the words
were never going to come out. My nerves had taken over,
It had been forever since I had seen you, and you...
you changed so much. You are so beautiful,
and all I wanted to do was engulf myself in your presence.
I wanted to be near you and learn everything I had missed.
I wanted to know how you though.
I wanted to know everything I could.
It had been so long, but suddenly you are so important to me.
I need you.

I** just wish you knew,
That the love I have for you
radiates brighter than the moon.
and I just wish you knew,
that your love is irreplaceable
and I'll never find anyone as amazing as you.

I can't stop thinking about kissing you.
The though of our lips meeting sends shivers through my body.
I long to hold you in my arms again,
I long to feel your breath against my neck,
and your hand on my thigh.
I ... I love you.
And it scares me to think of what I would do for you,
Because honestly, I don't know if you would do the same for me.
I have loved you unconditionally and have been nothing but loyal to you.
I was wrong about you. So so wrong.
You made me believe that I was the only one.
Obviously I am not good enough,
Will I ever be good enough?
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Why can't I stop loving you?
I want to tell you how you've hurt me,
But I'm afraid that I will send you away.
It's selfish to want you all to myself.

I tried to swallow my own advice,
bud ended up purging it out of my body
like somebody with a sever eating disorder.

I sat on the sidelines and watched myself fail.
Only because I could never follow the advice
that so easily rolled off my tongue.

I was envious of the people that followed
my "words of wisdom".
I knew I could never be like them,
and that frustrated me.

I was torn, and aware.
I was broken, shattered;
glued in the same spot I started
watching the world advance
right before my eyes.
It went around in circles,
Day and night,
all the same;
I was stuck.

You're a thousand miles away, though you are still home to me.
Thirty more minutes would never be enough time
For me to express all the feelings I've held in.
You just need to know, all that I've kept to myself.
Selfishness; got me nowhere.