the way i feel when that song is playing
and your body is near mine but not touching
and your mind is wandering god knows where
and my mind is trying to play catch up
and i'm sure your heart is beating
somewhere in your chest
but i can't hear it
i know it's there
i feel you there
i close my eyes and the rhythm of your thoughts is rocking me into a state much sweeter than sleep
my home is far
far
away but I like this much better
i like you more than home
i like you more than i've ever liked
you can have all of me if i can have half of you
you can keep all of me and leave me with nothing
you can cut me open and rip me up and use my parts for your service
and you can leave me broken and stranded
you can kiss my lips one last time before you become the voice of a ghost in the attic
whatever you want to do, i want you to do it
whatever you do
it will be worth it because of the way i feel when
that song is playing
and your body is near mine but not touching
and your mind is wandering and someday i might catch up
one day i will catch up

you made my pain your own and in turn I bled out so you could watch me
I was broken and I was typical
now you are broken and we are broken together
I do not know how to fix two broken pieces
but jagged edges have a knack for fitting together.
my ears are ringing and you are singing, singing to me
and I swear I will sing to you, I will heal you with my voice in all the ways I know how
there is nothing ordinary about the way I feel when you say my name
and I am home when you breathe your sweet breaths against my ear drum
we've created a home out of so many broken things
and as broken things tend to do, we have become one
we will become a whole, you and I
we will fill each other up and finish each other's thoughts
we will color in the blank spots and overflow the emptiness
you will be my rock and my hard place
and I will call you mind
we'll be okay

maybe I am beautiful and maybe there are galaxies inside of me but all that is nothing compared to your eyes on a cold day
and maybe just a memory is enough to keep me up at night? and maybe the way you move is enough to make me feel uncomfortable?
maybe I am strong and maybe my soul has a suit of armor but what if I still can't sleep at night
what if I will never sleep at night
what if you were my only hope at a good night's sleep
maybe I had a warm meal and maybe I had three but what if my stomach will always be empty in the space you used to occupy

why am I writing about you as if you've already gone?

how can someone still alive already haunt you?

his hands make an island of me
and my trees sway in his breaths
my waters churn in hurricane season
he is hurricane season
he is at one hundred every time I look
he is at ten thousand every time I look away
the wind is blowing blowing
and I am heat and salt and searing drops
I am the hurricane
and he is hurricane season

i close my eyes
the water rushes into my lungs
threatens to choke me
to drown me
to take me under

i feel the waves
pushing me around
i start to suffocate
bruised and scarred
salty water, unforgiving

“this is a journey”
i hear
all of a sudden i am eyes opening
i am spitting water out of lungs
i am looking my fears in the face
i am fearless

hair falls in my face and I leave it
it is your job to tuck it back behind my ear
when you are gone I feel you in every moment
I am breathing in your scent
I am feeling your breaths on my neck
your love is all around me in every passing moment
I can hear you all the way from here darling
I can hear you

his breath staggered and clothes tattered
my body battered and thoughts scattered
i ate so much i drank so much
i kissed so much i hate so much
and all your tears caressed the inside of your eyelids
but mine burned holes in your jeans
you were the hole in my jeans and you ripped me up like the lyrics to that **** nirvana song you were so dramatic about
our memories are in fragments at our feet and in pools that flow into oceans

I’m for self expression. I’m for music. I’m for doing covers of songs even if they’re not your style. I’m for dreaming up your whole future romance with every person you’ve ever met. I’m for writing it all down, even if it’s embarrassing. I’m for reading it over any chance you get. I’m for writing poems in notebooks. I’m for pretending the lines aren’t on the paper. I’m also for using the lines like they’re the law. I’m for loving artists on the Top 40. I’m for loving artists with only 40 fans. I’m for your favorite book. I’m for your favorite color. I’m for all of the colors. I’m for challenging yourself. I’m for sitting around and doing nothing until it feels right. I’m for believing in things we can’t see. I’m for the ocean. I’m so for the ocean. I’m for rainy days almost as much as I’m for sunny days. I’m for letting yourself fall in love. I’m for writing about it. I’m for writing about all of it. I’m for my blog. I’m probably for your blog too. I’m for the stuffed animal your ex gave you that you didn’t have the heart to throw out. I’m for sleeping with that stuffed animal on your weakest nights. I’m for the weak moments. I’m for the strongest moments. I’m for being honest even if it doesn’t seem like a good idea at the time. It’s the right thing to do. I’m for happiness in all its many forms. I’m for letting sadness be felt when it deserves to be. I’m for coffee. I’m for tea. I’m for you and I’m for me. I’m a lover and a fighter and a stay up all nighter. My dreams are dreams and my fears are fears and I would have kissed you if I wanted to. My past is mine along with my future. I’m hanging on, I’m surging ahead, I’m climbing up, I’m falling down. You never saw me coming. You never saw me leave. I’m for living. I’m here for life.

Part of me doesn’t even remember what it feels like to be in love. But another part of me finds it difficult to forget.

Sometimes I feel nothing but independence and I can’t possibly begin to remember how I felt when my life, my feelings, my mind were intertwined with another person who influenced every thought, every feeling, and every decision. I can’t possibly fathom what it felt like when life now is so impossibly different and intertwined lives have extra-twined themselves back into separation.

Then, there are the moments when everything is back. The moment  when the man behind the college booth tells a too-long story and he pronounces a word the way you used to. Which takes me back to that night on the phone when you told me a too-long story but I gripped every word with my fist and held it close to my heart, and I felt the words grow like vines up my arms and wrap themselves around my heart, and I warned myself not to forget the way you said those words and the emotion I heard in them. And I told myself not to forget every pause you took because I wanted to find the things you said in silence. I remember every time I looked at you, every time we shared a glance. The moment that we decided we were having more fun than any other two people in the entire world. The moment we discussed the fact that we must be meant for each other, because obviously no one else could understand what the two of us knew to be true without ever conveying it in words. And there are the moments where I remember how horrific it all was. I sit in a place on my floor that I’ve sat on a thousand times and all of a sudden I’m reminded of the time I sat on that floor and cried for 12 hours straight. I remember every time you had that tone and every time it broke me down. I remember every time you left, every time I missed you, every time I would have given anything to take it back, to have you there, to say one more thing, to tell you I loved you. How much it hurt. How much you hurt. How much I hurt you. I never knew I could experience such sadness, such ecstasy.

But still, those moment of rememberence are fleeting. Most of the time I can’t believe we ever felt that way. We are disconnected. We have lost it.

I will find it again.

your breaths are sending cracks through my chest plate
my armor is cracking into pieces while my fairy tale knight is hitting me with his sword
when did this become a duel?

I know a lot of things
like the capitals of most countries in Africa
and how to rationalize a denominator with a radical in it
and how to conjugate subjunctive verbs in Spanish

I know how to tie my shoes
two different ways
and I know how to tuck in the laces so I don't have to tie them at all

I know too many people's phone numbers
and how to make a cup of tea

I know that it is foolish to give yourself completely to a person.
I know that heartbreak is almost always inevitable
and that love hurts as much as it helps

I know all of these things, and

I know you take your tea with two spoons of sugar a little milk
I know your favorite Spanish word and its Aztec origins
I know that you're awful and algebra
and that you know more about geography than I could ever hope to learn

I know your phone number
and that you wish I would just tie my shoes so that the laces wouldn't come untucked when I walk too fast

I know you
and I know love
and I love you

I love you so much it's destroying my organs and rebuilding my soul at the same time. when you are sad, you are so sad, and I wish I were better with words; I wish I could open my mouth and say the things you need to hear. my ears are ringing and I know you're singing, singing to me. how do I possibly compare to the most beautiful comet that has ever shot across my sky. I am the moon, revolving around you. You are my rock, pinning me to the ground. you deserve ten thousand moons orbiting your atmosphere, beautiful moons of purple and blue. but I am pale and I am small and I am alone, I orbit you slowly but I am deliberate. I admire you from my place in space, once, twice, three and more times around and I find something new to love every time. I am admiration and adoration, celebration and captivation. and I swear I will be your sky, and I swear I won't make you cry. and I swear you will always be mine. I swear, I swear.

bullets fly past his heart as he tackles the treacherous terrain.
he never saw himself in this position, not again, not now, not like this
he is faced with an overwhelming grief
he lies down and rolls over, he wraps his arms around his body, he clears his mind and forgets himself,
forgets the value of his purpose

he sees purple and gold
he sees roses in the garden
he sees laughing on the air
he gives up on battle and hatred and war and he is home

then gunshots pierce the air waves, drowning out the laughter
and purple turns to crimson
the roses in his garden are but lifeless bodies
he is back in battle

he stands and decides not to give up,
if only for now
and although he's seen this before,
he's been in battle countless times and sworn he couldn't survive it again
although he feels broken
he decides to keep going
he knows this time is different
no two battles are the same
every bullet is shot by a brand new soul

he is hopeful
again

I like to write about the ocean because it’s bigger than we could ever comprehend and it’s alive.

It’s more alive than we could ever be.

I sit here and I have these thoughts and somehow my mind always drifts to rolling waves under expanse of sky and just the noises. There’s something so perfectly imperfect about the crash of a singular wave piled on top of the crash of a million more singular waves.

And I guess this means something because we are all waves and we are all rolling and we are all crashing.

Crash crash, crash.

I wish I could forget you.

I wish I could forget you.

Crash.

Ocean would never pretend to be anything it wasn’t. And ocean couldn’t break you because ocean isn’t a he or a she or an it, ocean is an idea bigger than any idea we could ever create. Ocean is every idea you’ve ever had thrown together into a living, breathing Idea with arms and legs on every continent.

The ocean is that perfect brainstorm that every author hopes someday to have. Every writer hopes one day they’ll come up with that perfect Idea who’s shores would be walked on by every man who had appendages to walk with.

Every painter looks for the perfect Idea.

Every activist.

Every scientist.

Everyone you’ve ever met is looking for the ocean, and they don’t have to go very far to find it.

kiss me harder
and we'll go down together
I swear I'm not going
anywhere
because you're exactly what I needed
and you showed up the
moment
I
looked away
I'm holding my breaths in
and imagining yours
your mouth
and everything I learn about you is a new
star
and you form constellations with ease
while I'm stuck stargazing
overwhelmed
you are composed
and I am erratic
you don't see a difference
(I wish my words were as beautiful as you)

we are merely human and we can not control what we feel
and I am a mere human who can not control how much I want you
your songs know what I've done in the dark and I listen to those songs despite how much the scars sting
I like to hear your voice, I like to hear your voice, I like to hear your voice
your favorite songs became mine and all I wanted was to be a part of you
that grew in you
and became a beautiful flower
that you tended to
you are a gardener
tend to my heart
grow its landscape with roses

The joys of loving a beautiful singer pale in comparison with the joys of being with a beautiful boy who can twist another's words and create a sort of immense beauty, his inflection casting shadows on your heart that dance and play and set you on fire. You are so lucky to love that boy, because he is that genuine beauty we search so hard for in life. He is beauty in his darkest hours, in his tightest corners, in he drunken stupors. He is the moment when everything goes silent enough to hear your own heartbeat. He is the first drop that hits your head. He is the last drop that ends the storm. He is the breath you take to steady yourself in front of a crowd, the salt you squint out of your eyes after an afternoon swim, the introduction of your favorite book, the smile of a girl just complimented on her necklace, the cake at your father's 50th birthday. He is the beautiful things, all of the beautiful things that don't make a big deal of themselves. How do you possibly love this type of boy? How do you show him all of the beauty he portrays, the artwork he creates just by opening his eyes in the morning? This is all I can do. My words are weak. I am pale in comparison. Us lovers of beauty can only hope we get to experience it for as long as possible. We can only hang on for dear life.

sunlight hits the snowy ground with enough force to shatter it into a million fragments
crystals made to dance in the brilliant light of a typical sunny day
by simply doing its trivial job, thee sun awakens the snow and makes it jump for joy, filled with the greatest gift of warmth
if only the sun knew all that is does for the snowy day

one life weaves into another
through tiny tendrils
little feelers
microscopic chords
a touch on the waste
lips brushing forehead
a phone ring at three in the morning
all send another shooting connection from
body to body
reds, golds, purples, greens
until the two are connected by millions of invisible fibers
wrapping through the rib cages
crushing two souls together into one colorful mess
of dreams and thoughts
atoms and organs
two eventually wrap together into one
and on the worst days, crumple into each other
dependent on the ties that bind them
hoping they'll never break

I’m afraid that twin size beds will always be
that morning I snuck into your room while you were still
sleeping
and you were so peaceful that half of me didn’t want to disturb you
but the other half wanted to kiss you so badly
and just had to take advantage of the fact that
that was allowed

and I fell into your bed
and you fell into me
we were so happy to be two things that could fall into each other
without any warning signs
or inhibitions

twin size beds will always be
the way it felt when your fingers grazed the skin on my bare back
the way my daddy used to do when I was
tiny
when times were simple, before we fought every day

twin size beds will always be the stretch of silence
that followed the eager removal of my clothes
which I loved
but I loved the silence more
and we were comfortable and we were so so happy

twin size beds will always be how
that morning felt

a glimpse into how much greatness we could be
how much we could accomplish
how many twin size days were stretched out before us
if we only put in the effort to seize them

it doesn't even feel real when he's away
and I wish I had words to make him stay
I'm tired I'm tired I'm fading I say
that there's no way to keep him and still feel okay
yet there's something inside him that that keeps them away
those fun little demons that come out to play
when I'm completely alone at the end of the day
so I'm trying and trying to just find a way
to keep him and keep all these spirits at bay

I'm in love with your perspective on life and the way it differs from mine
I am proud to be seen with you because I am proud of your existence
and the way you say my name makes me feel like royalty
You're smarter than me
which I love and I hate
When you stop talking I beg you to keep going because I cling on every word
I swear I remember every word
you make me write awful narratives
that I would never show you
and yet I almost would
because you would care.
And you say exactly what I didn't know I needed to hear
when the world goes black around my eyes and your words are all I can see.
(I would have kissed you but I want it to be perfect)
You tell me goodnight even though I've been asleep for hours
because you think of me when you lie down
(I would kiss you right now, it would be perfect)
whenever you laugh in my shoulder I know I could fall in love with you over and over again

I want people to see how happy we are and become happy too
I want to inspire with our love
I want to love so loudly that it's impossible not to hear the affection we have for one another
I want the world to look at us and realize that it's not wrong to love another with all of your heart,
to give another everything you have
to give another your life
I want our fireworks to light up the night sky so brightly they can be seen across the Atlantic
and those we've never met will realize that love does exist.
I want our love to change each other
and I want others to notice
I want to world to cast their eyes on us thinking "I need what they have found"

sunshine, you're the light in my eyes on easy sunday mornings
you're a watch on my wrist that tells me when my time is up
and the first ocean breeze that hit my cheek

you're my grand purpose, my second chance, my opportunity to be fearless
i've been waiting for you, sunshine

it's funny that my prince charming never showed up until i was strong enough to save myself

"i love you to the moon and back" but the universe is so much more
life is unpredictable, but i only want to think about you right in front of me
of the alarm ringing
and your just-waking-up smile
we're always sleepy and life is beautiful

the politician shakes his fist at the sky
drowning out all voices
winning at all costs

the artist wiggles his brush at humanity
talking down the politicians
preaching open acceptance

the writer flaunts his pen at the paper
desregarding life outside
conversing with his own thoughts

I put my hands in my lap
winning nothing
preaching nothing
conversing with nothing

who is the winner?

constellations are born from everything you touch
from the tips of your fingers, stars
you don't know how much you do
but I do
and it's time you opened your eyes
to your influence

if you choose to accept her heart
then you have chosen a lifestyle

your breaths are no longer your own
your movements must be carefully calculated

you let her in
you signed up for this

and once you accept her heart
there is no going back

you are hooked
and you are staying

and the word "no" means nothing
and the word "go" means nothing

your feelings are no longer your own;
you belong to another

choose wisely

you became mine in ways I am finding difficult to explain.
you were not a typical lover.
you did not give me happiness;
you stayed by my side and brutally eyed me until I found it myself.
now you will be the muse behind my own eye for however many years there are to come.