Part of me doesn’t even remember what it feels like to be in love. But another part of me finds it difficult to forget.
Sometimes I feel nothing but independence and I can’t possibly begin to remember how I felt when my life, my feelings, my mind were intertwined with another person who influenced every thought, every feeling, and every decision. I can’t possibly fathom what it felt like when life now is so impossibly different and intertwined lives have extra-twined themselves back into separation.
Then, there are the moments when everything is back. The moment when the man behind the college booth tells a too-long story and he pronounces a word the way you used to. Which takes me back to that night on the phone when you told me a too-long story but I gripped every word with my fist and held it close to my heart, and I felt the words grow like vines up my arms and wrap themselves around my heart, and I warned myself not to forget the way you said those words and the emotion I heard in them. And I told myself not to forget every pause you took because I wanted to find the things you said in silence. I remember every time I looked at you, every time we shared a glance. The moment that we decided we were having more fun than any other two people in the entire world. The moment we discussed the fact that we must be meant for each other, because obviously no one else could understand what the two of us knew to be true without ever conveying it in words. And there are the moments where I remember how horrific it all was. I sit in a place on my floor that I’ve sat on a thousand times and all of a sudden I’m reminded of the time I sat on that floor and cried for 12 hours straight. I remember every time you had that tone and every time it broke me down. I remember every time you left, every time I missed you, every time I would have given anything to take it back, to have you there, to say one more thing, to tell you I loved you. How much it hurt. How much you hurt. How much I hurt you. I never knew I could experience such sadness, such ecstasy.
But still, those moment of rememberence are fleeting. Most of the time I can’t believe we ever felt that way. We are disconnected. We have lost it.
I will find it again.
I wrote this two years ago