Why does christmas eve
Always feel so heavy
Why do I always feel like I'm waiting
For the shoe to drop because
Christmas was never about your kid
It was about the women
Who'd ruin it

Tie me a tournaiquet
Around my heart
Before you stab me in the back
Maybe then I won't fall so hard
Bleeding out in your hands
It feels like I've neglected my blood
Forgotten about the body it ran through
**** trying to save you
While I bleed out on your shoe
So tie me a tourniquet
Around my heart
Before you stab me in back

I don't want to die
So glad I could never take it myself
But why does it sound so peaceful
six feet deep
Surrounded by earth and worms
My lungs collapsing as they eat
My lips never parting for another breath
Instead being parted by deep tree roots
Stealing the life I never had
They'd probably be more useful then I

I don't hate christmas
I don't want people confused
But when this time of year
Feels so bitter sweet
When it brings up
so many hard memories
How do I show you I don't hate christmas
When my cheeks are tear soaked
When I'm still trapped in a room
With my father's fist going in the drywall
Feeling the way it vibrated next to my face while he screamed
Look what you make me do
Like I'm the reason
he never controlled himself
I promise I don't hate christmas
But I can tell you it's been hard not to

I wish this time
Didn't feel like a memory
Like your hours of lectures
Because I'd never be good enough
Never be thankful enough
But what could I tell you
How could I thank you
When you provided the bare minimum
And used gifts as manipulation
Just to take them away before they derived any joy
How could the isolated child
That never asked for you
To take your trauma out on them
To be thankful

I no longer pray
A whisper in the night
A conversation alone with the moon
A lunar mother I come begging for advice
Like maybe she can give me answers
Like somehow asking her would answer
Why we dance in this eternal ball
Why we must hurt if we have a savior

I no longer pray
A shout so much frustration
It sizzles off my tongue
I can't help but feel hate
For some one who watches
And prays on our weak
With promises of salvation
That turn into money hunger

I no longer pray
I'm tired on waiting for change
Following books and rules
When they can't even keep me safe
When they can't even bring solice to my pain
Why would I pray when nobody ever answers