I've decided you and i
we were like stained glass
we shattered
we broke
and when I tried to fix us I suffered the cut
never putting us back together properly
and so when I finally gave up
and you finally started trying
I knew we were to far gone to ever fix

you made me miserable
more than you ever made me happy
but I still think you were worth it
I still think we could have been forever
if only I had been stronger
and one day I may be
but that won't be today
I won't be tomorrow
but one day I will find my happy

no matter how much I miss you
I won't ever show it
because every time I miss you
I remind myself how much you don't
how much you never will

I feel like I'm always choking
on tears,
on lies,
on words, I can't say
like its all stuck in my throat
pulling me down,
weighing me down,
breaking me down
until I'm nothing
but the gurgling sound
of my seasonal depression

overwhelmed by pain
by fear
by exhaustion
trying not to dig my nails
into my skin
because the pain feels better
makes me feel real
makes me feel alive
burning away my overwhelming thoughts
with the lighter on my thighs
on my arms
on my chest
makes me feel like I'm okay again
like I can lose the pain
that keeps overwhelming me

all my friends and family
they soar in the sky
open in the blue open free sky
calling to me
begging me to join them
but I cant
the  waves lap against my wings
where I'm barely floating
saturating my feathers
keeping me from going to join them

for me you were a chapter
written in beautiful words
written in smiles and tears
in anger and sadness
in happiness and comforting
but I'm sure for you
I was only a line
written in a quick scribble