I don't want to die
So glad I could never take it myself
But why does it sound so peaceful
six feet deep
Surrounded by earth and worms
My lungs collapsing as they eat
My lips never parting for another breath
Instead being parted by deep tree roots
Stealing the life I never had
They'd probably be more useful then I

I don't hate christmas
I don't want people confused
But when this time of year
Feels so bitter sweet
When it brings up
so many hard memories
How do I show you I don't hate christmas
When my cheeks are tear soaked
When I'm still trapped in a room
With my father's fist going in the drywall
Feeling the way it vibrated next to my face while he screamed
Look what you make me do
Like I'm the reason
he never controlled himself
I promise I don't hate christmas
But I can tell you it's been hard not to

I wish this time
Didn't feel like a memory
Like your hours of lectures
Because I'd never be good enough
Never be thankful enough
But what could I tell you
How could I thank you
When you provided the bare minimum
And used gifts as manipulation
Just to take them away before they derived any joy
How could the isolated child
That never asked for you
To take your trauma out on them
To be thankful

I no longer pray
A whisper in the night
A conversation alone with the moon
A lunar mother I come begging for advice
Like maybe she can give me answers
Like somehow asking her would answer
Why we dance in this eternal ball
Why we must hurt if we have a savior

I no longer pray
A shout so much frustration
It sizzles off my tongue
I can't help but feel hate
For some one who watches
And prays on our weak
With promises of salvation
That turn into money hunger

I no longer pray
I'm tired on waiting for change
Following books and rules
When they can't even keep me safe
When they can't even bring solice to my pain
Why would I pray when nobody ever answers

One day,
when I'm six feet in the ground
And my body becomes bug food
And my bones become bug food
And my brain becomes big food
I hope with every bite
they catch glimpses of you
In every bit they are shown our smiles
They are shown our laughs
I hope there privy to our hours of conversation
I hope they get visions of you kissing me
The way we held eachother
Even when the others fire burnt us
I hope there senses are over run
The way your smile made mine
I hope they hear you
calling my name in the moonlight
The way words sounded like poetry coming from your lips
I hope there minds are full
Of my memories with you
Because even in death
We will never be apart

You screamed that i take up to much space
Half an inch from my face
Even while i slumped in the corner of the room
Because we all knew there was no escaping you
No escaping the drink
The nights youd go to far push me to hard

You said i take to much space
Half an inch from my face
And i just cant shake those words from my brain
On repeat over and over
Like a song i cant stop replaying
Your voice made me shake in the worst ways

You screamed i take to much space
Half an inch from my face
Because i ment nothing to you
The space that i took would just get in your way
so youd scream
Like if i didnt enable it the end was on me

My sadness is a fire
I built it to keep warm
I built it to protect me
I built to keep my sanity behind

My sadness is a fire
I fed it till it crept into the sky
I fed it till it chased every soul away
I fed it till I burned myself pushing you away

My sadness is a fire
But I built it higher
And so it became my cage I stay away from you
so I don't catch you in my flames