You look for love where it is not wanted, hoping you can throw a dart and it will hit the bullseye

Cut me again
I triple dog dare you
Dig the blade in a little deeper
Push against my veins a little harder
Don't stop until my body is drained
And I don't feel anymore pain

"You can't see my scars. They aren't on my body."*

But maybe you can hear them --
In the words I say, or quite often, don't say.

Or maybe you can catch a glimpse --
In the looks I repress, or quite often, don't repress.

...I'm sorry I can't let you in.
Don't take it personally.
I rarely let anyone in far enough to *see.

The scars aren't completely healed.
They're too painful, too deep.

Why rip the scabs off?
If I do, they may bleed forever.

I'll spend the night ripping up bedsheets and punching holes in the walls -
maybe then the pain will subside

I never meant to cause you so much pain. I miss you. Please look at me.

So this is what it's like to be loved

sometimes, I think I'm rather obvious.
all it's takes is someone with open eyes.

I wish I would have met you when I was seventeen,
before I seen the things that I seen,
before I learned to look behind the screen.
I think we could have had a good time.

Some say that a year is a short period of time
and that it practically flies by.
But when you think about,
I mean really think about it,
so much happens in a year.
You have so much time...
365 days to wake up, look at your scars, and say "Thank God I'm alive".
52 weeks (plus one day) to work on getting a promotion at work.
8,765 hours to get over that boy from chemistry class.
526,000 minutes to watch your baby girl grow up.
31.6 million seconds to breathe in and breathe out.
One year to live your life.
Isn't it amazing?
Isn't it quick?

I should be so lucky to die a painless death

Unruly curls
Bright laughs
Too cold kisses
Ice cream stains
Secret smiles
Moonlit eyelashes
Lingering lips
Soaring hearts

I have chased highs
down the shafts of
hundreds of needles,
but none compare to the
feeling your love brings.

Tighten the noose
Count the pills
Clean the needle
Polish the gun
End the pain

In the beginning, a glass is empty.
Just a hollow cylinder that's patiently waiting.
It would then be filled with a liquid.
This liquid, whatever it may be, would find itself  
   permeating the glass -- adjusting to its surroundings.
Life.
It's all about your attitude.
Is the glass half full or half empty?  
Do you choose to see life in full daylight  
   or through the lens of your sunshades?
Will you simply adjust to your surroundings
   or will you boldly choose to change them?
It's all on you, really.
So tell me...
Is your glass half full or half empty?

At our beginning, I told myself that I wouldn't need you.
That I could make it through the day without your hand in mine.
That I could sleep without hearing your breath.
That I could wake again without my lips pressing against yours.
But here I am, five months in, needing you like oxygen.

I'll watch the blood slip down the drain
and not a tear will be shed

I could spend ages reading the news
I could spend days, singing the blues
But I turn up the tv light
Give up without a fight
Better than pretending to know what's wrong and what's right

I could spend ages asking myself why
There's a million ways that I could say goodbye
But I turn down the lights
Come on baby come inside
Better then being some fool's bride
Better than pretending to know what's wrong and what's right

I'm glad I did not die before I met you

Dip your finger in the wine
and let me taste the fruit
of it's vine

You put yourself in stupid places
Yes, I think you know it's true
Situations where it's easy to look down on you
I think you like to be the victim
I think you like to be in pain
I think you make yourself a victim
Almost every single day

You say they taught you how to read and write
They taught you how to count
I say they taught you how to buy and sell
Your own body by the pound
I think you like to be their simple toy
I think you love to play the clown
I think you are blind to the fact
That the hand you hold
Is the hand that holds you down

You took half of me and I of you
but we'll find each other again somehow

You see the stars clearer than I do...
Send me messages on their light

I should have known better
To see what I could see
My black shroud
Holding down my feelings
A pillar for my enemies

I should have wrote a letter
And grieve what I happen to grieve
My black shroud
I never trust my feelings
I waited for the remedy

...

I’m light as a feather
I’m bright as the Oregon breeze
My black shroud
Frightened by my feelings
I only wanna be a relief

Exposed and vulnerable
Yet you didn't move
You hardly breathed
God, you're arresting
I shifted, unsure
It means beautiful
A kiss on my jutting hip bone
Stunning
Another on the scar below my ribs
Breathtaking
Turned, but not too roughly
A trail down my lacerated spine
*Mine

It's shocking
how quickly you
latched onto me
how reluctant
you are to  
let the
slightest bit
go.

Your presence is a  
humming in my ear,
reminding me that you're
here
that you're
alive
and that you're
**mine

Lust moves quick, winding its way through your body like a tornado in the plains.

For so long, I wasn't angry... But now?
Now I understand that what we had was unhealthy.
Instead of making me better, you were making me ill.
It was an disease, a cancer that I couldn't rid myself of.
You were a tumor of the heart.
No amount of chemotherapy could diminish your size.
So I'm left with this aching pain in the center of my chest.
Extract it, burn it, **** it please.
**I just want you gone.

Looking back, I realize that I "forgave" you too quickly, too easily.
I allowed your lips to touch mine when really, I wanted you no where near me.
I let you into my bed weeks before I was ready to.
Revolted.
Disgusted.
Ashamed to be yours.  
My heart was cracked and bleeding.
What a ******* idiot I was.
I should've ended it then.

Black cloud crossed my mind
Blue mist round my soul
Feel so suicidal
Even hate my rock 'n' roll
Wanna die yeah wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Ooh girl you know the reason why

I can feel each of your ribs
and in between them
tears unshed  
pain unspoken
love unrequited

what is it that you're so afraid of?

if it's your feelings, why?

if it's my feelings, why?
you know how I feel.

or do you?  

do you know what I would do for you?

I'd go to the ends of the earth for you.
I'd die protecting you.
I'd lay down my life for the sake of yours.

why?

because I love you.

Life is an exile, a journey to a nonexsistent home

You look like a poem that I would read forever.

you ruined it for yourself.

Don't say that you're in love with me
I can't handle that just yet
I know that you're tired  
You only say it in your exhaustion
But don't mean it
Please don't mean it
I'm cruel and I hurt and I sting
So don't say you're in love with me
Because when morning comes
You won't be

I wish you had the courage

Over the past seven months,
you've taught me to be selfless --
That I should value other's needs and feelings over my own.
Who better to practice it on than you?
Your happiness and your well being are far more important than mine.
After all...
How could I be happy if you aren't?
How could I be "fine" if you aren't?
There is nothing I wouldn't do to make you
a
better
*you.

Dear Amy,

Look at me.
Please.
Just one acknowledgment will help.
I hate having you angry at me.
Our petty fights have never lasted past a day...
but I realize that this isn't one of those fights.

...I'm not sorry, not one bit.
I don't regret this at all.
But here's what you need to understand:  
I can't help it.
I can't change my heart and my feelings and who those feelings are directed towards.
I don't see her body, I see the person she is.
Yes, I realize she's one of your closest friends.
Yes, I realize it was wrong not to tell you immediately.
Yes, I realize that this changes the way you see me...

But I am still me.

My heart is just more open now.
I'm so happy, Amy.
Really happy.
Don't you see that?
You were the one who said I was acting differently...
Apparently, you knew why.
Why didn't you come and talk to me, just ask me yourself?
I'm not turning this on you, promise.
Just wondering why you didn't want to talk about your suspicions.

I was going to tell you, just didn't know how to yet.
Sorry you had to find out from two people I don't even consider friends anymore.
(And if both of you see this, I hope you feel like ****.)
Now that I know how to tell you, you won't speak to me.
Maybe I'll just print this out or send you the link...

Until you start speaking to me (and Rachel) again:

I love you.

All my love,
*Leigh