It's impossible to be happy here.
If this is where standing up for myself gets me, then so be it.
I'm sick of the verbal abuse.
Get
   me
     out
        of
           here.

If we are made to survive,
then why is surviving so difficult?

Tomorrow I tell the truth
Tomorrow I let you in

Then
The two of us
Thick as thieves

Now
The two of us
Thin as martyrs

sitting in the hell we call "school"
and my thoughts
start to drift.
I begin to ask myself:

what would your life be like if he hadn't been a part of it?

I break into a sweat.
my hands grow colder,
along with my heart.
I dread the thought.

what if you were never friends?

the thoughts grow worse.
I think about the habits I have,
the things I've picked up from him (and he from me)
over our 16 years together.

what if he died tomorrow?

I'd feel it.
surely I would.
there would be an undeniable ache,
right there in the center of my being.

what if he died and you didn't tell him I love you?

I'd die.
I'd end it all.
what reason would I have to live,
if I didn't have him?

the
      thoughts
                take
                      over.

How do you commit suicide without hurting the ones around you?

No, you don't understand.
You were not the one
who crawled out of bed
in the middle of the night.
You were not the one
opening the bottle of pills
and cursing when three fell to the floor.
You were not the one
with the repetition of
"Just do it!" playing in your head.
You were not the one
holding the cold glass
of water in your shaking hand.
You were not the one
putting five, six, seven pills
past your trembling lips.
You were not the one
who climbed back into bed,
waiting impatiently for death.
You were not the one
who unfortunately woke the next afternoon
with a dry mouth and aching body.
No, you don't understand.

This isn't a poem. It's just a post of gratitude.

I want to thank all of my friends for being so supportive over the past two months. There have been high ups and low, low downs, but you've been there every step of the way. You've been building me up and reminding me that what I did was a good decision. Not only that, but you've also supported me in my new relationship. I've received constant "I can tell he makes you really happy" and "This is the happiest I've seen you in a long time and I know it's because of him". You will never know how appreciated those simple phrases are. They mean that you continue to love me, no matter who I am with or what decisions I choose to make for myself.
Thank you. Thank you. **Thank you.

We dance around each other
Call it The Tango of Fear

"Why are you wearing shorts? It's cold out!"

Why?

I enjoy the way the chilled wind feels --
it makes me feel alive.
The way the goosebumps raise on my pale legs reminds me that I'm human...
Sometimes I just need a reminder.

Tell me exactly why the **** my love isn't enough for you.
******, haven't I given you everything?
How can you say that you give me everything,
indicating that I give you any less.
I've given you my heart and soul and body.
What more is there to give?
I am enough.
*Enoughenoughenough.

It's impossible not to cringe
when I hear your nails on a chalkboard voice

I'm so sorry I can't give my whole self to you. Over time, bits and pieces have been broken off and never returned. I can't give you everything that I want to give. I want to give you my heart, my everything. You deserve so much love. You deserve all of my love. I'll spend the rest of our time together apologizing for reasons you won't know about. Let me. I will write apologies on your lips with mine, on your shoulders with my fingertips, on your heart with my fragile one. There are so many walls, B. I put them up in a matter of days. It wasn't hard, their shadows still showed in the grass. Every time you say you love me, a brick falls. They crash at your feet. Don't let them fall on your toes. Just move them to the side, make a pile and cover them with tarp. I don't want to see them. I don't want to be reminded anymore. All I want is memories with you. Maybe that's why I take so many photos of your smile or screenshots of your texts. I want to remember every single thing. You've given me some of the best memories I've ever had the privilege to remember. You.
I love you. I love you. I love you.

Behind your eyes, shooting stars
I would make a wish, but what I would wish for is already in my arms

I don't plan on hiding who I am anymore.
If they ask, I will answer with a somber
   "Yes, but that's over with."
or maybe a bold
    "Yes, but that's none of your business, is it?"
or most likely an energetic  
    **"Yes, and it was wonderful."

I can't escape the past
And it makes me want to die

It's sad, really.
I wish I could talk about you like I have fond memories of us.
But everything is laced with arsenic.
There's no warmth in my voice at all.
There are things I can't repeat, sunny summer days I can't picture anymore.
It feels like I spent a whole year in a fog.
*It's sad, really.

He traveled downward
and kissed every scar she left.
Reaching the ones I left,
he glanced up.
Leigh... what is this?
I lost my breath.
Inhale, exhale.
Nothing.
He shook his head, disbelieving.
Look at me... What is this?
How do you explain that
your tears are flammable
and that it isn't too painful
to set them ablaze?
Nothing. Please, just kiss me.
So he did.
Again and again and again...
Until all was forgiven,
but not forgotten.

I wish you knew the 2 AM me.

The 2 AM me isn't afraid to speak her mind,
she doesn't hide behind sighs and eye rolls.
Her deepest fear?
Sure, here it is on a timeline.

The 2 AM me is an open book,
she'll tell you whatever you want to know.
Her darkest secret?
Sure, here it is in full detail.

The 2 AM me isn't a coward,
she doesn't wait for you to bring up tough subjects.
Her haunting thoughts?
Sure, here they are on display.

The 2 AM me is full of love,
she'll keep telling you "I love you" until you grow sick of it.
Her translucent hopes?
Sure, here they are in moonlight.


...The 2 AM me isn't me at all.
She's someone else completely.
She waits patiently to be set free.

The look in your eyes
lays me bear --
arms needing,
chest heaving,
heart bleeding.

Push against the window pane
But the shutters will remain *locked

Sometimes I think about the night I attempted to end my life.
Sometimes I think about what things would be like without me.
Who would sit in my desk in civics class?
Would anyone look to God and ask why?
Where would my father, my sweet and caring father, be?
What about my grandma who sees herself in me?
And my mother? My brother? My sister?
What would they have done with my things?
Would they have left my room untouched, a shrine to a life cut short?
What of my friends? Of the boy with bright eyes that hadn't set on mine?
Would my so called best friend miss me?
Would I be worth his tears?
I wish I had the answers, I wish I knew.
But for now, I'll continue living.
And I'll continue being new.

Simply,
we are a rock  
revolving around
a great ball of fire.
Say you'll
remember me
when it all
ends.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment that music came into my life. It started with my parents, I guess. The radio was always on in our house. I'd watch Mom sway while she cooked or listen to Dad hum while he folded clothes. It was just there. Rod Stewart, ZZ Top, Led Zeppelin, Andrew Llyod Webber, Santana, The Beatles... Everywhere.

What I do remember is the first time music moved through me. I turned the volume dial and felt it jump into my finger tips. It traveled through my bloodstream, finding it's place in my heart. There, the music settled... and  hasn't left since.

I get the question a lot, you know.
"What made you fall so deep into music?". That's the story I tell them. Obviously, not that exact story because they would think me odd for speaking so 'poetically', but close enough. I just tell them it's like the wind --
moving around, in, and through me.

"One minute you're sad as hell, the next minute you're happy as a lark... I guess you get that from me."

Say it, daddy.
Bring it up.
SAY IT.

but he doesn't.
another opportunity wasted
because I was
too
afraid
to
say
it
too.

"Leave if necessary. Just leave. If you stay and hang on, you never know what will  happen."

I took you off your leash
But I can't, no I can't make you heel

You don't know how to love
You just know how to take

They say
you get
just what you
pay for,
but
what is this
love
worth?

Waves crashed onto the deck and when I thought I couldn't be saved, you were the lighthouse at the end of a pier.

I don't want to cause that kind of pain
or leave the people I love
waiting for answers that
they're never going to understand

I am no longer afraid to say "I love you."

Cry for me

yesterday I visited the sea.
where I should have found calm,
I found panic in my mind.
thoughts began to spin...

What if I just walked in?

What if I just ran in?

What if I never came back from the sea?

Would anyone even miss me?

my God, the thoughts could have pulled me under the waves themselves.

I sink again.

Your hand grasped mine
In Louisiana heat
And I swear
I felt my heart quake
And my world shake

I've stopped looking for you in the eyes of others

How can you see me the way you do?
What do you see?
Is your vision selective?
Is it biased?
*How can you care so much about something so broken?

a fleeting smile upon your face  
is enough to light up the night

a deep chuckle in your throat
is enough to fill the quietest room

a chaste kiss from your lips
is enough to expand my love

Stay with me
Let's just be