I check over my shoulder when I feel your blatant stare
I listen for your footfalls in an empty hallway
I tune out your shrill laughter at lunch
I check for the lack of your feet in bathroom stalls  
I grow silent at the mention of ****
I cringe when your friends send me glances of pity  
I wish no one else had your name
***** you

For once, be your own crutch.

Take a knife to my heart
Rip through until it bleeds
Maybe then you'll understand
Maybe then you'll really see

"Leigh... I'm not her."
Yes, I know but a hand is a hand and it frightens me nonetheless.
"I'm not going to push myself on you."
Yes, I know but she said that and I don't believe words anymore.
"I wouldn't do that."
Yes, I know but you don't, not really, and I can't explain it.
"I never will, Leigh, please know that."
Yes, I know but she said that, too, and she went back on it.
"I'm sorry."*
Yes, I know.

I can feel you watching me as I walk past and
I am left feeling self conscious, confused, and unsure

Slowly but surely, we will heal.
We'll mourn for the piece of ourselves that we lost and swear we'll never love so much again...
but surely, we will heal.

I'm going to miss you
and that lipstick stain tattoo

Friends who know me often worry, they ask if I'm alright.
It takes several attempts to assure them that
I AM FINE
...promise.

I am not thinking of death -- no, not death.
Not anymore.
Mostly, I just wonder...

Please try and understand...
**When I retreat into myself, do not feel obligated to pull me out.

I'm through accepting limits, 'cos someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know.
Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost.
Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost.

This is a terrible idea.
I know.
We shouldn't.
Probably not.
You'll regret this.
*Never.

I could be your worst nightmare if I felt so inclined... but I'm not.
I spent far too much time screaming at you to want to do it right now.
I got tired of dealing with you.
So I'm not.

Stay a little longer --
10:30, 11...
No, I'm not tired --
11:30, 12...
Officially, then --
12:30, 1...
I guess we should sleep --
Zzz...

The back of my eyelids lack a sun
and I plunge into unbearable
darkness once more.

I don't want your **** happiness
I want your demise and your pain and your worthlessness

My eyes burn with tears unshed.

Please don't hide your heart like you hide your arms.

I've kept to myself
Never showing too much
But you've picked at the scabs
Pried into my head
And now you're trapped

How will you get out?

Please don't put me through this
Please don't look at me like you know

With you, I am flourishing.

I wake to find
your hand
on my hip
and your name
on my heart.

Long ago, everything you touched turned to gold.
But now the shine is gone, tarnished with sins, lies, and hypocrisy.
Nothing can change that now.
Nothing can change you now.

They only know what you want them to. The rest stays hidden and locked away deep, like aging wine in a cellar. Sooner or later, the bottles will break and spill and the fumes will be too much for anyone to handle.

Sometimes when I tell the story of you
I make you out to be the bad guy
And though it's true
Sometimes you're the bad guy
You're still mine

Sometimes when I paint the picture
It's easier just to remember
The awful things you said
And what you chose to do with legitimate need
You made like a fool
You made like a fool but you're still mine

Why does it hurt more to recall
Your good side, your good side
I always went to you for advice
You were a wise one, a wise one then
When I think about you in that time
It's harder to hate you then

Forget about "fixing" us
and that
"one last kiss" --
you got it from someone else.

It took you too long to realize that I was just another pretty play thing

My god, I feel so free.

The best way to keep memories at bay is to avoid... Right?

happiness

You hold pain in the center of your being and unsurprisingly, begin to shatter.

You taste like the sea, the one I've spent years looking out over and wishing it would swallow me whole.

I'm tired of sidestepping you.
Next time, I'll just throw my shoulder into it.

Smile again, beautiful boy.
Let them all see.

You became who you said you'd never become.

Thank you for today
And tomorrow
And the day after that
And the day after that
And the day after that...

How do you see me now, now that I'm a little bit older?

I hope that the shard of my heart you still hold turns to glass and slices open the delicate skin of your palm

I'm already dead, no need for resuscitation.

My heart is still cracked and you say you understand but you don't not really and I wish I could make you but I couldn't hurt anyone like that I wish you knew I wish I could tell you I wish I wasn't afraid I wish I wish I wish I loved you as much as you say you love me but I'm afraid to let you in and I'm afraid to give you the power to hurt me because last time I did that I was fatally wounded and I can't bleed out again my heart can't take it

I want to scream and run and sleep and never wake up

I thought that returning to its place of origin would help, but instead I sit and whisper to myself, willing the memories to disappear

I only wear waterproof mascara now, just in case a song plays or a smell drifts through the air and I can't stop the tears from spilling out

I had my fears
You let them out
Now I wrap myself around you
like a blanket full of doubt

All the love poems in the world wouldn't be enough.

You struck me down with love like a lightening bolt