It's been a month full of
permanent smiles, resonating laughs, sleepy voices, and open hearts.
You're changing me everyday
and I couldn't be more grateful.

You watch the clock tick.
You watch my fingertips as they glide across my lips.
You watch people walk by.
You watch my spine expand as I reach across the table.
You watch clouds cover the sun.
You watch my eyes as they shift and glance your way.
You watch people eat.
You watch my neck as I move my hair to the side.
You watch people speak.
You watch my lips stretch over my teeth as I slowly smile.
You watch people interact.
You watch me fall for your eyes
   and do not blink.

Your hands anchor me to this crumbling earth

When your heart is too large
You forget to close the door
And stray tomcats walk on in
Where there is nourishment to feed on
And a bowl of cool milk
But when you want them gone
They send questioning glances
And wonder when you shut the window
Folowed by the slam of a door

I know I'll end up drinking alone
With wine spilling onto the floor
And screams crawling up my throat

New and improved: ten times more self destructive!

I dislike the number seven.
It will forever remind me of July.
And thinking of July just causes my mind to darken all over again.

I lost a large part of the love I had for you as I read those texts.
You said you would never hurt me like he did
-- over and over and over --
   but you lied.
You hurt me more than he ever did.

I TRUSTED YOU.
God ******, I trusted you.

Will I ever forgive (completely)?
Maybe.

Will I ever forget?
No.
Never.
Heartbreak is like a dark stain on a white tablecloth --
You can try to cover it up, but it's always there.

I'm still hurting.
It still makes me cry...
You broke my heart.
   and I am still relying on myself to mend it.

We met in the middle,
like two lungs that had
suddenly joined
and realized that
they weren't
properly functioning
before.

And for the first time in months,
I think about death.

Please don't leave me alone with my thoughts. Not now.

The smell of you
drifts through the air,
fooling my lips
and my heart
into thinking
that you're
still here.

My fingertips have grazed every inch of your skin, but I just can't get enough

I broke my own heart --
I felt it quiver and shake with a fear unknown
Slowly, I pulled it apart
It bled and bled but I let it bleed
Pieces of you drained from under my skin
Drops of what we had landed on the bathroom floor
And I, I did nothing to stop it
No bandages, no sutures
It continued for days
And I, I did nothing to stop it

You were a child
And I got tired of babysitting

In a society obsessed with ***,
it doesn't surprise me that
it's the center of your thought process.

You are too strong to be abused,
too kind to be taken advantage of.

All you ever wanted was to be wanted and I couldn't give you that.

You sit in your desks and joke and laugh
But **** isn't a joke
It's real and it's sick and it's twisted
So continue to laugh
Continue to find joy in your ignorance
I'll wait

It is you and me  -- against hell.
No matter who reaches it first,
   it won't end well.

Love...*
It makes creases in the corners of your eyes.
It throws stars into your smile.
It ignites an unquenchable fire in your soul.
It travels down your legs and curls your toes.
It opens doors and windows and hearts.
Will you let it?

Do you talk about me? Do you tell them who I am? Who I was? What I mean to you? What I meant to you? Do you mention our love that will never die? The times we shared? The music we listened to? The early morning kisses? The late night tears? Does my name even pass your lips?

I feel as if I've known you forever --
your lips, your hands, your heart.
What is this? Who are you?
A past Love? A past Lover?
From where did you come
   and why show up now?

I am undeserving
of the sweet words you say
and the pure air you breathe  
and the love you give

Queen. ******* Queen. Brian May, Roger Taylor, and Adam Lambert? Christ, I couldn't believe it. It was going to be amazing. I had been listening to their music the whole eight hour car ride to Houston. One song that had been on repeat was the ballad "Love Of My Life". Every time I listened to that song, I cried. My love for you was so strong then, probably the strongest it had ever been. It reminded me of you. It was six o'clock by to the time we got to Houston. God, that ******* car ride was hell on my back, barely a month post-op. It was worth it. As we walked to the Toyota Center, I thought of you. I ached to have to with me, with your arm around my waist and mine around your neck. We made our way to our seats and patiently -- or not so patiently -- waited for that Q curtain to rise and for the music to spill from their legendary instruments. The curtain rose, the crowd went wild, and I felt my heart climb into my throat. Something's wrong. I looked around but everyone was cheering and singing along. I shrugged it off. That feeling continued for the next hour. The only time it subsided was towards the end of the show. Brian May walked onto the stage alone, his acoustic guitar in hand. He told the crowd that he "wasn't much a singer", but he would sing "Love Of My Life" for Freddie. As the first chords rang out, I sat down and I wept. Disgusting, silent sobs. Why? At the time, I thought it was for Freddie.
Later, I realized that it was for you.

I can't promise you tomorrow,
but I can promise today.

I've found I hate the word manipulative
It's synonymous with your name
So the hate is just the same

can't you see that perfect picture?
you and me?
you don't.
so here I sit,
waiting
on
you.

Your apologies are bitter pills.
Swallow them yourself.

"Leigh... Do you realize how serious this is?"*
So serious that I can't even tell my boyfriend?
"This isn't something you just tell someone."
Yeah, I realize that, Mr. C.
"I'm sorry, I just... I'm surprised."
So was I.
"She doesn't... seem like the type to..."
Uh huh. I didn't think so either.
"Are you sure? I mean... Sure sure?"
Absolutely.
"And you're just going to let this go?"
Absolutely.
"I admire that. It's an odd type of strength."
I don't need it.
"No, maybe not. But I admire it nonetheless."
Thanks.
"So... We're leaving this in this room?"
Uh... That was the plan.
"Alright, I understand."
Do you?
**"Unfortunatley."

The abuser plays the victim...
But again,
What else is new?

I'm sorry that I couldn't stay,
but I'm not sorry for leaving.

You have no idea what you do to me.
A simple touch of your hand sets me aflame.
*I am pushing you away in order to resist the temptation of pulling you closer.

No one told me that at seventeen
I would risk everything for my freedom
I would have my heart shattered into pieces
I would learn to regret
I would learn to let go
I would find love in a stranger  
I would find my place  
...so what's waiting for me at eighteen?

I believe that all the strength you possess is enough.

My life, your life
Don't cross them lines
What you like, what I like
Why can't we both be right?
Attacking, defending
Until there's nothing left worth winning
Your pride and my pride
Don't waste my time

I don't wanna fight no more

Take from my hand
Put in your hands
The fruit of all my grief
Lying down ain't easy
When everyone is pleasing
I can't get no relief
Living ain't no fun
The constant dedication
Keeping the water and power on
There ain't nobody left
Why can't I catch my breath?
I'm gonna work myself to death

I don't wanna fight no more

No, no, no, no

I don't wanna fight no more
I don't wanna fight, I don't wanna fight
I don't wanna fight no more

I jump for joy at the sight of your smile
Oh, how I love that smile
That ray of sunshine
That expression of glee

I see your smiling face and weep silently, all along wishing I could bring your son back to you.

Sometimes I think of your smile
and the way it would slowly spread
across your tanned face.

Sometimes I think of your laugh
and the way it would caress my ears
in the loveliest of ways.

Sometimes I just think about you
and the way you were almost mine
on that sunny day last summer.

I have been encompassed by the warmth of your existence

How many nights will I lay here, phone on mute and weeping, while you sleep on? When will I press that unmute button and let you into my head?