A mistake, a burden, disposable, ostracized.
I felt the hate of my existence.

The glares burned my skin.

The gossip filled whispers,

Became my dark smothering shadows

And they echoed in the drafty hallway of my lonely mind.

I didn't ask to be conceived.

It's not my fault you cheated..

Yet I paid dearly for your open spread out legs.

You committed the sin and tried so hard to **** me in your bitter ugly womb.

You filled your veins with lethal doses of ******,

Believing it would **** me.

Yet here I stand.  

You hated me for the color of my skin.

But you should of hated you for committing the sin.

If you weren't a cheating, selfish *****,

None of this would have happened.

And I wouldn't exist.

Yet here I stand.

Now I'm grown and you my egg donor mean nothing to me.

I wish you emptiness, loneliness, misery, nothingness, bitterness and I pray you feel hated for eternity.

The same as you cursed me for eternity.

Belong, wanted, loved

Those I never have had and don't give myself the hope of ever having.

I know better.

I don't belong.

I am not wanted.

I am not loved.

I'm still paying for your ugly twisted sin.





  L. Mack

    7/10/22

Eric

Yesterday I was looking through my contacts
And I saw your name.
I immediately close it.
I didnt want to be reminded of the pain.
Yesterday I was looking through my photos
And there you were.
I immediately closed it.
I didn't want to cry again.
Today I was looking through my contacts
And seen your name and Goggles and Reggie's.
I was reminded of the pain.
Today I went through my photos
Only to see pictures of all 3 of you.
And I cried again.

I miss you my friend...

L. Mack
4-22-22

Friend,
It's just not gonna be the same without you. So many of us are broken over losing you. I bet your dog never stops searching for you. I'm sure your daughter will always fill empty without you. My son will grieve you for along time. He thought the world of you. Your friends... Well we are not ok. A heavy blanket of the reality of your death has covered our community. Acceptance is going to be a hard pill to swallow. You were so ******* amazing with so much love and kindness to spread. We all will miss the intelligent conversations we had with you. Our hearts will ache to see your smile just one more time. The world has become a little colder since you left.
    Love and miss you,
           Lori Mack
               01/24/22

I'm confused, baffled, unsettled. I am shamed for just existing. Most of my life Ive been treated this way.
Yet I take another breath.
I'm a child again, begging someone to give a ****.
Rejection, abandonment, ***** lil secret was my burden and cross to carry. Always has been. I don't understand why though. Guess God found it amusing or he would have made this horror movie of a life much better. Everyday I rearrange my life to fit into this stupid,small, rectangular, soffocating, tomb of a box.
I sit in this box quietly doing my best to not disturb you. Or your friends or your frequent parties. While both of those I am not allowed. I feel like a unwanted, adopted child sitting in the corner being punished. Tell me what the **** is it that I've done so bad to be shamed all my ******* life for just my existence. I just sit here and ask God why do I exist? I'm not aloud to be human anymore. But I'm supposed to watch my "friend" break every rule she ever gave me. While being looked down upon if someone comes to see me. Now she got her way only one comes to visit me. No one else is welcomed without punishment and belittling judgement. I ******* hate my life! I ******* hate this stupid, small, rectangular box! I'm in prison with a life sentence. My crime? Well it's simply cause I exist...  This is control. This is evil. You already asking me where I can take my rectanglar stupid lil box. **** I hate this box! Why don't I deserve to be wanted and valued? I treat you good and watch your back. Do I not deserve the same in return? I pay half the bills here and none of my friends can use the bathroom, take a shower or do laundry but all of your can? How is that fair? Or maybe I should just accept that you don't care and you never thought of us as friends just a come up, a lick. Maybe we were never friends. Maybe just I thought of us that way. Your taking advantage of me and I'm just supposed to sit here silently freezing in this stupid, small, rectangular box. You know I'm cold and you have two empty rooms. I offered you more money to rent one but you just ignore me. It's insanely cold at night. Last night was bad. I had to beg my dog to cuddle with me so I could get warm. You know how cold it is but you don't care. I hate this stupid, small, rectangular box! And I'm beginning to hate you too! You are cruel and not my friend. You use me. You abuse me mentally and emotionally. You are not a good person and will never have my respect and friendship again. Lesson learned. *******!


L. Mack

1/17/2022

I'm not a blessing I'm a curse. I'm not a good person. I'm a drug dealer. I supply you with the poison that numbs you and keeps you from your family. I'm not a blessing I'm a curse. I divides families and I feed on your fears. I crave to control you all in the most sadistic ways. I'm not a blessing I'm a curse. The more I sell the more my head will swell. I climbed the ladder so fast it made me dizzy. I'm not a blessing I'm a curse. Money, trades, power, control it's my ecstasy. Sometimes it's even better than ***. I'm not a blessing I'm a curse. All I have to do is shake a bag and your all mine. My perfect lil tweaked out puppet you'll be. I'm not a blessing I'm a curse. I'll have you jumping every hoop I put in front of you with your first taste. From that point on you'll worship me like God. I'm not a blessing I'm a curse.

L. Mack

1/2/22

How could he do this to me?!?
Out the door picked up a chair threw it,
I'm so ******* hurt!
Kicked the garage door the walls shook.
How can I mean so little?!?!
I scream at the top of my lungs
"I ******* hate you ******!!
If you were a man I'd **** you!!
Let go of my son ******!!"
But I know there is no hope.
Cuz he doesn't want to stop.
Doesn't he care that I'm not making it?
Doesn't he care that I let him destroy my self-esteem while trying to save him?
He rage towards me makes me think one day he might **** me.
I'm struggling bad while he goes through money like water.
Worse he knows our eviction situation and won't help...
Everyday my own son uses me, steals from me, lies to me, degrades me and I just wanna disappear.
I want to run away but I can't leave him behind.
Can't even count on God.
I'm just His entertainment....
My life is hell...
I'm in this ****** prison
And I don't even use ******.
Maybe the only way to survive this is to do it too.
Come on it's not that hard just stick that needle in your arm.
No one cares not even God or He'd do something.
I hope this shot will make me overdose cuz I can't watch my son **** himself everyday anymore.
******* God for not doing anything *******.
But I can't get in bed with the demon that tortures my son.
This is my hell,
This is my punishment.
My mother once cursed me,
"I curse you to have a child twice as bad as you!!"
Well mom you got your wish.
Maybe I deserve this.
All I know is he didn't do anything to be cursed like this.
This is our story
Doing our term
In ****** prison...
Please God let us survive this.


L. Mack

10/7/21

Letting myself feel is killing me.It is my cancer.It will **** me.It is killing me.And I don’t care.Just get it over with.Feelings have always been my cancer.All of my life, even as a little girl.It is deadly and lethal.It is rotting me away,From the inside out.A heart that has been broken,Over and over for so long,It does not know anything else.Everything, Everything inside of meHas been ***** and brutally torn out of me.People do not understand it, they don’t get it.This will put me in the ground.They say, “Just get over it!” My “get over its” and “starting overs” are all used up.No one know all of it, they wouldn’t believe it or couldn’t handle it.I have learned the hard lesson about “letting people in”.So I isolate, stay home, in my room.Because I see my cancer is sometimes contagious, feeds on others.This is why it is critical for me to self medicate.I do not do it for any other reason.

Allison Josie Lee

2/22/2010