Take a step, step back
The view is wilted,
distorts the sound waves
To shake
That echo from my fingertips
I grip tight to anything tangible
I can’t let go, I’m terrified
My balance will knock me
         Off this shelf, I’ve felt
Too much, too fast, to breathe
Deep, it gets caught
In between
My nerves, overworked
Climb up my spine
Head spin, I’m drowning
In racing thoughts
No signals or stop signs
They collide and intersect
No safe bet, I get lost
Space, space out
I need space to get out
This anarchy inside of me
Tearing synapses, replace them
With calluses
Overwhelmed and underfed
My head revolves around the moon.
So small and tangled
I don’t think I will ever break free
These handcuffs are cold
And tight
And taunting
This spin I’m in// I’m over it
My balance has got the best of me.

I will never know what it’s like to fly
I was born with broken wings.
The clouds hover above
And mock me with their weightlessness.
I’d give anything to feel anything
Again.
These chains cut into my calloused skin
The pain is comforting  
Fills my lungs
with resentment and smoke
I choke on your narcissism
Instead
The freckles in your iris
Arrange themselves
Aimless and aiming to break free
As if distance equals escape
The water covers every inch of my flesh
I can’t drown it out
And I can’t float
I don’t belong
Anywhere.

The breeze screams my name
Shame persists, I’m all of it
Sickened and bitter
Broken//
Artificial
Dig deep, fractured glass
Dissect and scavenge
I found a way back.
The clocks been broken,
But it won’t stop spinning
I’m suffocating underneath your weight.
The silence rings
Brings out the catastrophe
        Howls in my head
Exhausted, restless
I can’t seem to leave.
Feed me white noise
                 & sedatives
I just want to forget.
                        Set my soul to sea
I haven’t yet felt freedom
I was born with  broken wings.
Blank faces have chewed
On my hardened flesh
I have nothing left
But the salt around me.


I long for that darkness.

silence loosens rigid edges
i'm still feeling every second
shaded debates we choose to fabricate
we both know the truth.
we both know the price
we have paid, we will continue
this journey feels so wrong to me
i avoid mirrors and puddles in the streets
i cant stand my face anymore.
when i look at you, it's brief
i only see myself.

the cliffs of your iris scream more truth
than your voice can
that echo adored, only leaving
debris on the bathroom floor
now, i raised that straw
to block those thoughts
but never turned on you
never turned that light off
that image looks ridiculous
i wanted peace, you're demanding
privilege
bad habits masking
what we should
have finished.
empty sentences
bored with
carelessness
running out of ways
that i can escape this.
but i give a nod
to your
dominant performance.

snow has settled, slow and sedating
feeding cravings to devour the hollow
shell I've created. an instant too long
a rapid beat in my chest
how much, how much
will it take to suppress this?
we don't look at each other
the way we're supposed to
I glance in the mirror
only when i'm forced to
deep breaths come so shallow
I can't tell you what I am now
I'd trade it, you'd trade this
for anything not worth our hatred.
I sing loud without passion
I wonder how far I could run
from this, gravity
pulling on my extremities
from these unsavory
haunting memories
don't tell me what I already know
don't kiss me where
this used to be our home
blank; over anxiousness
your empty words
supply the lack of oxygen
to my chest.
I catch your breath beneath
my calloused fingertips
I adore you, before
we settled with the cigarette ash
if I told you this was it
if I told you I've taken in
all the poison I can ingest
would you save whatever
we have left? or would you let it
crumble, and enjoy the
downfall of our wreckage?
I only want to escape.
I only want to be clear to fade away.
you told me this would
            bend before it breaks
but our broken parts
tell a different story; i am lost
but not the lost i want to be.

This mess, in steps we break the pace
Afraid to face our own mistakes
I've given enough
I have more to take
Your words circle my brain stem
Electrocute whatever's left
I'm a mission with plans of regret
Affect the grip you tightened with
Sorry for the sinking ship
I've grown accustomed to
Heartbreak.
I've learned to swallow
*******.
The only thing I haven't done
Is truly escaped...

Through ashy fog, she grabbed her purse

Elevated consciousness only makes it worse

She thought but never spoke

The words

Spit through straws and emptied claws

A generation of giving up

Just run, she stared at the stars

Shooting through her spine

Milking, giving, bleeding dry

clock tick bursting brain cells

Stuck, she's running

Out of time.

The trees have died, her soul

Feels the emptiness too

Rushing from Earth to flesh

the best of her has been spent

In change, but nothing seems to change

Gray and bored of this terrain

To give it all or give it up

A lifeline short of strokes of luck

Just run. Escape.

Erase the face that brought you down

That threw you to this place in

placement permanent frown

i spend my free time smoking cigarettes, another bad habit that i promised to quit. for the moment, the sky wasn't any shade of gray, it wasn't any shade at all. projected my mental catastrophe onto the wreckage we've built, and baby you're bleeding. is it time for us to sleep? i've lost track of rationality and common sense of normality. i just want to be free. these chains weigh so heavy and every day i am becoming more weak, these words that you sing rest inside my brain - rattle with the snakes i've caged - i am the lost episode. we are the untold story. i raise your hand, you raise my voice, every day that passes, it passes so slow. my veins still ache and i blow my brains out with the same verse after verse, i'm falling hard. you're rising fast. same page with different context, mismatch regrets and soulless ***. my home rests inside your eyes, your pupils push me to the edge. i'd run, if i was given the chance and never look back, behind me lies a thousand actions i don't understand. holding on to your hand, hold on with everything i am and everything i have become is a shadow. a cloud of smoke i wish would just choke me, regurgitate the poison that has left me so empty. judge me, abandon me, leave me more broken than i have left myself. i hit the bottom and still couldn't get enough. clinging to defective walls and my chipped fingernails rip piece by piece, inch by inch, this was supposed to be the ending of the bitter *****, but i am afraid i haven't changed. i am afraid of everything. change is a slow process and it thickens with my callouses, breathing deep, counting sheep, i've tried to ride this like a pantomime and in this cell it gets too cold when i'm doing nothing but growing old. I watch your face and i watch the clock, your boredom leaves me overstocked with anxiousness. i kiss your fist, i kiss the sky. heavy is the crown that i wear now.

I walk through the streets, my legs they shake
Consumed by fear can't rest in place
Longing for a little taste, my wires bend
And break
What the **** is wrong with me?
You ask but I don't have the answer
Wrapped tightly beneath this blank
Disaster
My hair in knots I use to stand
But I can't stand this any more.
What will it take to balance the brightness
What can I do to relieve the crisis
My skin is torn, my voice is gone
I'm tired of being the leading actress
Beat me down and I'm still here but all I hear
Is the static in my head
You wanted the best kind of revenge
Well here you go, upon a platter
Sad part is it doesn't even matter
The world could shatter, and still I'd feel

Nothing at all.

been awake for weeks, fixed, wrapped in sheets
without relief
harboring the illness I've digested slow and the burn
still constricts my veins
         orange and yellow bleed my eyes dry
     the sunlight is no friend of mine.
i am the princess of this arrangement
my heels click together, anxious disaster
i reach for the warmth; it's gone.
i'm tying knots in my hair
wrapping them around my throat
i'm walking through these halls
fading like your buzz, i'm broke
these scars along my arms reflect
the light, and i'm just a capsule
in your bottle. i'm just a monster
who sings lullabies
                                               inside your head
the black and white and gray
and whispers through the walls
i used to stand so tall
and now i fall to the bed
i'm grasping hot coals
and licking them slowly
i'm out of reach, running
in place i remain, unclean
there's a starting line at every corner
and the restless awareness
has gotten the best of me
holding on to the same life jacket
one will have to sink
into this fish bowl, it has become
the essence of my existence.
so punish me, please.

It's been twenty four hours
Since I left your arms
Since I've had a taste
My body it aches
For what I once had, and I fight
And I push and I scream with
No volumes
I stare with pupils so wide
I'm inclined to give in
Where does the relief start to begin?
I am begging for change in
Your worn out sweatshirt
And the throbs in my brain
Only prolong the disaster
I'm lost, I'm alone
I am out of my element
I just want to go home
But home isn't where I left it
Stare  cuz I'm pathetic,  I have no
Energy for empathy.  From my diminished
Nasal lining to the ashes in my dreams.
This is what I've become.
This is where I reside.
I just need some time, and a dose of real life... Inject me
Soothe me
Take the restlessness away please
I'm begging for change
In the hardest of ways.

bound and gagged by your black lies. We are tongue tied in the worst ways, if i had something nice left to say i wouldn't be scratching in my journal, keeping the eye contact to a minimal. 'do not enter' hanging on our front door, we give visitors one fighting chance, one that we never got. sweeping around ticking time bombs so delicately placed and polished with the fresh scent of lemon, you would have assumed this charade was rehearsed not authentic, and pumping the air full of poison and *******. i have traded it in for whatever this is. vacancy. emotionless and aggressive tendencies. we have decided not to face this, facing anxiousness. let go of my hand, declare emotional bankruptcy.  every stutter in my voice you gave to me. piece by piece this statue is rotting from the inside out and the face still has a segment of innocence left. all for show, but it's starting to show through. underneath it all, it is all petty and egotistical. narcissistic and malevolent. unearned dollars spent, trying to tear one another to shreds. (ALL IN LOVE, we said)

Learning to be human; I raise my glass to bitter silhouettes. A vibrant mess of tragedy and lethargy crashing between these ***** sheets. Grasp the hands that hold you back. Replace the voices that stung your fleshly establishment and disintegrate the surrounding atmosphere. we're stuck. we're terrified. We have lifted our arms and pitch to an honorable level, otherwise disheveled and  destroyed. CAN YOU HEAR THROUGH THE NOISE? The static fills the empty spaces. I am balancing on curbs, and i am curbing my appetite for disturbance. Your eyes are what i am most afraid of. Vacant, excessive....slicing me in to fragments of extinction. Bring to life the fallen leaves -- perceive the landscape for nothing more than what it is. I could tell you i'm fixed. I could fabricate these lonely narratives. Look into your face and plunge the knife slow. Reciprocate the venom I've been injecting. Infectious allegations to promote your narrowed estate of mind. I examined it completely...A to Z. I am fixated on the entrapment you've designed especially for me. Note the elegance and fallen tipsy. I've resigned from my superior complex -- now to mismatch with your faults. We were born on these broken bridges worth burning. Side effects can be exaggerated, and usually are to your liking. Fighting for the sake of argument, for the sake of sound. thunder crashes within my skull -- reverberating against my eyelids while i pretend to sleep. A lounging corpse. I'll trade a minute for yours...they appear shinier. Tasty. Grinding my teeth against your car keys; i keep them sharp. i sharpen my vision when  i feel you enter the room. A double dose. A wounded chapter in this twisted novel. my fingers move when I tell them to. I am my own puppet. I reenact plays that have no meaning, avoiding the secrets. avoiding suspicion. I'm learning to be human.  i can feel the planet shifting.

elevated decisions rationed
falling from the sky
leaving traces of impatience
running parallel to the worry lines
ground up from the dirt
abandoned by an empty grave
shock to hollow
i have ingested every arrogant fiction
it's stuck between my teeth
and i bite my cheek
i'm forced the blood to swallow
battle of the dazed predictions
we've tried to finish
what we've started
open-ended, broken-hearted
face up beneath the waterfall.
i refuse to stop
knuckles digging deep
a stretch to sleep
demons have abducted your voice
can't you make this stop?
stabs to the gut
picture frames in tidal waves
only make the room feel colder
i'm feeling old and mostly worn
tattered blanket that keeps you warm
i will keep you warm
i have sacrificed my damaged being
for what i thought was everything.

dancing with discolored dust particles
we float around this empty house
light on my toes; hardwood whines from uneven lines
striking as much balance as i can
flashes won't surrender
these images intently weigh the moments down
flattened against the bitter boards
why can't i seem to synthesize
or cope with this acidic atmosphere
this house is falling to the earth
fingertips, losing oxygen
lifting up in echoes of sirens
a new era, a new birth
the yellow color --
we found what hurts
black and lace circling worry lines
collected upon my face
polluted pupils gazing in my direction
pairs at once with no escape
zephyr with strength;
assaulting the smile that once graced this face
we float around this empty place
i don't feel your presence
i don't feel anything, but lost
with absence of breath - comes a cost
passing the bill around, this weighted check
eyes dart
the floor or the ceiling
the healing process leaving us restless and broke
when i grabbed your cold leg
i was praying for jokes
i can't seem to synthesize or cope
with this acidic atmosphere
this house is falling to the earth
fingertips, losing oxygen
lifting up in echoes of sirens
a new era, a new birth
the yellow color--
we found what hurts.

Blank stares have embezzled every ounce of elation I’ve contained, through rigid terrain, I attempt to look up. The mirror echoes my mistakes and I can’t recognize myself through pupil size and bolder vessels. Just tell me it will be okay. I’ve driven my lessons out of open ended sentences and pushed myself to the depths of this ashtray. Where’s the separation? Charges keep adding to the receipt still stapled to my side and I’m opening wounds I’ve wrought hard to sew shut. You can’t teach the ignorant, and the ignorance trumps rationality. Formalities in my fraudulent appearance. I can’t scream it. You can’t hear it. I am simply alone, and this tower is crumbling slow. This is what I chose, as if that makes it any better. Stormy weather can **** and this hurricane has me lifted, if I plummet, will I care? Will I even blink when I shatter. Just a pitiful creature contorted on the concrete with secrets left to die in the wind. I’m screaming at her to wake up, to force some insight through fuzzed up brain cells and alarm bells, but it’s lingering in the air like secondhand smoke. Only those around her are left to choke on its’ tragedy. She’s eating me alive and I can feel my body parts deteriorating leaving ghostly images to haunt my already afflicted eyes. If I stare at the sun, maybe I can catch a part of it. If I break myself, I can break her too. These ruins are the apartment where I have really been residing and time is only making it worse. Feed me my own soul, I need to breathe. LET ME GO.

a scream of fusses in rustic reflections -- off again, forcing trust is a silent revolution for us. no blades with this parade; grasp hot coals without blinking and YES i am on top of the world. NO i can't feel a thing. Was it the destruction of senses that bordered our hesitance? Blank pages won't fade away with this operation. only collect dust. And i remembered to close this mouth. Eye contact at a minimum. Contradictions lead to continuous disagreement. i feel it even when your voice reverberates though this mind of mine, no real sounds, piles of old junk mail and fast food wrappers left to dye in the open sunlight. weren't we prepared for a battle? Fists up, intellect down. We have reports of a beast-infected stand-still. Plots to ****. I keep my sketches in my pockets, next to packets of mild sauce and cigarette butts. Mistaken for less dangerous, but let's face the music while it still plays for us. Limited is what we have become. Pushing thoughts like empty strollers over bridges and ignoring the collision and the crowds that keep forming. oblivious, but not really... considering we chose this catastrophe. Drawing lines over famous portraits, orchestrating every moment. No regrets, no remorse. Broken bones and stolen show times. As we disguise our characters and dress them under fine white linen, we count the lines. we count the circles. we prepare for the unbroken. replacements are cheaper and easier to find. hollow, determined, violent. place fingertips on pointed objects and close those heavy eyelids. this is the ending. this is the awakening. this is what you wanted.

A restless breath
Asthmatic transmission
I’ve resurrected my demons
Display, parade, spectacle
Alliances are forming
I’m forcing these words
Finger in throat
Erupt and unnerve
Deserved preferred pathways
And driveways to stumble around
No commas found, only
Broken sentences
In disheveled paragraphs
I laughed with you
I lied.
Fingers crossed, holding my breath
A child in a burning nest
I am not above,
                  or below
I rest my head on sticks and stones
I’ve made no peace with this arrangement
Noose bound tight
Blade sharpened stroking the skin
It runs in circles
It tells tall tales
It shows the truth
My voice wouldn’t confess
These mirrors haunt my shaded arrival
The witness screams
In fragments scattering the bathroom floor
Reflection is no place to hide.
I see those dark eclipses, brown and excessive
Slicing each piece thinner and thinner
What is left; a broken mess
If I could breathe, I’d clean that too.
Along with the dust that's collecting
On your fingertips.

Racing around picture frames; returns and echoed reflections. If I had a dollar for every mistake I repeated, this wealth would engulf my being. I say these words without a sound. Circling my skull and crashing against disappointments I’ve been holding, if only I’d let them crawl out of my mouth. Fingers tremble against cold concrete. I hold my face there. I stare into the lines, the cracks, the semi-permanence. Blades of grass shooting up from beneath. Internally screaming to be seen. My eyes won’t divert and for once I don’t feel so alone.

Fingertips tracing horizon lines, a pantomime in the mirrored light. Set fire to the blades of grass my toes coast above and deny the stars my affections, my heart is set on the rising sun. The days and the hours and minutes have no feeling, easy stealing as the rest of the trivial substance my soul dances with, and around, these circles are engaging a war within my swollen head. Play dead, play house, and anticipate to forget. these voices in whispers now howl through the fields. Begging to be heard but i am one stubborn *****, i'm lost within these words. Translation is futile. puckered lips on these metal objects just long enough to make them rust. the cold, I've been told, suits my texture. i wear it like an armor and parade and weave through the rows of trees. my castle, my domain. no names. high on restless behavior and ferocity - i stalk the river like a helpless child and strike it with myself. submerged between what you claim and what you believe, reality means nothing. those conversations mean nothing. a dollar a day and a passionless ******....idle now, given up. to this whole perception and i have learned no lessons, like the rest, it's irrelevant. i am tying knots and sharpening sticks. a universe in a cloud of gray. my favorite color. i am born, and bored, i am around, i am all of the above. i click my heels and still stand still, the laughter confides in the humid air, a charming lullaby and i suddenly feel so alone again. time spent, pencil marks erased. lost and not found. my fingertips trace the ground. i lay my head. i'm way ahead.

no demonstrations have been given, and we are falling through the flat lines. A comfort drive through overcast alleyways. complaints of brightened days and open shades. this pipe dream has carried us this far, and i am running faster than our imaginations. this has always been a set-up. a display. i bite my tongue for fear of flying. we hold hands because we're cold. these sentences don't form paragraphs. empty shells encased in gold. desperate vengeance against our bitter halves, assumptions of a frame of mind. Bodies trembling; lack of stimulation erasing those traces we left on that cold night....these cold nights now only taste bitter. From a solid to a liquid we've quickened our reaction time, with time to spare we are trading in spare parts, combined, we've aligned our shipwrecks. We face the south - we are the pessimistic creatures. We are the absent souls. traced bone structures and phantom feelings; genetic make up of uncompleted human beings. Puzzle pieces shaved with razor blades...we make them fit. we take what we want. inhaling expired fumes//exhaling narcissistic volumes. rise! we are everything in this world! we are a mess! Brakes don't exist, and the camera filter is permanently black and white. Jeans too tight, dreams too small. staring at the sunrise through lace and hearing the waves through a myriad of whispers. i am not accountable for my actions. i believe in nothing more and nothing less than gravity. scar tissue ties our binds, ribs entwined, born to die.

blood thickened under grainy skin
sharpened teeth come well prepared
absent from moments
this is the place we're living in
barred and secluded
this room has no distance
suspicions flutter
through and increase our delusions
distractions amuse us
camera flash and slow thrusts
***** hands held tight
eyes to the sky
eyes open wide
deafening silence surrounds
our existence
we scream through laughter
cover up what we can
efforts exhausting
haunting our lungs
in piles of smoke, we spoke
softly and imaginary
choking on this savagery
portions of skin stuck
between my rings
thighs to the sky
thighs open wide
angels in angles we can
only envision//twisted
decisions we stare blankly
out these stained windows
hoping for recognition
hoping for more than
this empty universe we created.

These whispers, loud and aimless, brave in the face of these constant disgraces. I rise. I repent. I revise. I repeat. An overcast reflex, we think without thinking. We dream without blinking. Night terrors substitute the delicate playgrounds buzzing through our skulls. Empty; dull. We breathe because that’s what we’ve been told to do. Extrovert disguises; we have picked each piece from the magazines. Taped together. We don’t smile when we’re alone. We are the future of this decomposing planet; a disappointing chasm. Brain cells loosening. Reproducing in lethal amounts. Suicidal enterprise, we interpret the sunrise as nothing more. Rise and fall. Sage and menthol. We try so hard. We try too hard. Fit the pieces a part from the puzzle. We are original. We are cynical. We are the dirt that clings to the underside of your haggard boots. We are what’s left of the future. The delay of smoke, the substance crawling out of the ashtray. Images to uphold and characters to promote this reception of embarrassment. Holding hands/thoughtless/decisions. Carnage with intent. A breeding ground of meaningless ***. Ride the wave and bow your head to the prisons we’ve built to enslave our inspiration. Words pour out like ***** on my bathroom floor, a little to the left, unexpected sentences tangle together. Forming fiction. Resistance is all I have left.

Flesh eating virus, succumbed to all advances

Managed to influence my last white blood cell

Followed, every inch, we followed

You

Into that back room.

Deteriorating slowly

Every time those fingertips meet

These layers of skin

I am half of half of what I used to be.

It burns while it stimulates

My screams are confused

I can blanket this apartment

With the secretion of this chaos

Maybe we can learn to swim.

Maybe If we’d learn,

We’d quit.

You are the hell I’m living in.

There’s imitation in the air
A display of affection
Lost, in reproach
She hangs her head
And exhales a holocaust
The bitter wind
Isn’t blowing
Hard enough.
Shadows in this morning view
Drawing echoes on her face
Timelines of torments
Presentations of vanity
For this artificial world to see.
No reserves
--These wounds
Are naked
Salt from the shoreline
In scattering particles
Nesting in the deepest cuts.
She feels nothing
Apart from callousness
And abandonment.
The sun rises further
Piercing the semblance
Her face is faded
She buries it deep
In the sand.

constant waves crash under the surface, the skin, absorbing cynical ballads sung by the echoes of these inhabitants. Relief derives from punishment, self-nourishment, set the stage for these unfortunate events. There has been no consent, no arrangement. my voice has been silenced by the choices I've secured. breathless and brittle i can hear the bones cracking and open doors slamming, this horizon dissolving into a thin gray line. Confined to this cage of regret and regression thrusts underneath my fingernails, leaving bread for bail, opting for a quiet place. My own eyes are lost in these melancholy faces surrounding the destruction like a venue of vultures. My head is so clear, and so transparent. Denying instincts and escape have left this chaos unsettled and evident; naked for prey. Sunken souls longing for destruction. Anticipating a rainy day. Molded my chemistry to fit inside what they want of me, circles in squares, what do we really have but empty packaging. And emptiness has no place of residence. Wildfires stemming from my fingertips as every single substance i caress turns to ash. Blackened. steps that have no depth. Roads that have no end. I am spiraling on an axis that does not tilt the right way and my hair is blowing in the wind. Goosebumps raising on my skin. I am alive. I am distant. I am left behind. In the wrong frame of mind. Unrestrained. A dose to withdrawal with a shot of champagne. Ten seconds, i'm falling into intersecting highways. Blankness. Resurrecting a flicker, caught beneath dark circles sheltering my iris. An accomplice in the wounded charade, a collapsing lung makes no sound in this crowded space. Abandoning idolized conclusions raising passions like battered children, from broken gates we let the truth escape and the oxygen conformed with it. Counterfeit. Dreams, although sleepless haunt every breath inhaled leaving malignant now speechless. Disease in every bite we eat. I leave it upon the ones who envision cloudless. My sight has mislead me, which has brought me to this wreckage. Dependence in noxious fumes gripping on to this disaster. Was it really the truth we were after. After the truth we wrote new rules, confused for apparent reasons. Our time is evolving and deteriorating with the seasons.

The breeze sets fire to the trees
Abandonment displayed
In piles of fallen autumn leaves
Pre-scattered ashes

Prevalent discouragement

They whispered too softly
Undressed -- Brisk eyes bleed through
The pages of paper
Evolved from that carbon
Confined within a cage
Of slaughtered animal carcass
A harvest of thoughts
Like grain; like the weather.

where was the trail, thought we left some tracks
the wind washed away our trace
so that hopefully we listen
and don't fall back
the further we walk
we are in so deep with these depths
this web has us trapped
fights off fact and regret
and the forest has no sympathy
for our arrogant stupidity
so we swing our arms slow
hum along to our songs
holding close to combat the cold
i don't remember
i can't remember
ever being alone.
eyes wide and lungs open
we scream for some peace
can't help but keep staring
both addicts for release
and so we do what we please
ignore all other voices
even the ones in my head
speak in your slow soothing tone
you could ****
you could crash
just please
never let me go

in this field, this grass is dead
the world and these people
have ****** dry
everything that was left
and here i lay, i'm here alone
it's safe to say that this is home.
the sunlight is a nuisance i just wish
would disappear, crawl back underneath
those blanket of black clouds
rest easy with her fear.
because today, i could use some rain
to wash these lies from my skin
the dirt underneath my fingernails
keeps sinking in
i am alright, i am content
amongst the death and desolate
landscape covering my anxious face
would i hesitate
to trade this in?
familiarity means more than what it seems
high heels across that narrow beam
structure. is that what you call being free?
the birds outstretched their aching wings
and i understand, i'm one with them
together we shade this hollow land
a breath too far, a cut too deep
there are no voices for miles
and i'm finding it hard
to find a reason to sleep
i could stare into that emptiness for days
never blinking or believing
in useless dreams, i have seen
what that can do to a human being.
a coward as they call it
a waste of energy i never owned
i would love to say that i care
but i am too busy breathing this absent air
to gather my intelligence
to prepare for a talent-less show.
i left the time back where i left the world
and i can promise you
this is what i deserve.

My heart is unclear, divided
untrustworthy
that's why i am ripping it out
letting the blood spill
pour so deep into these floorboards
represent my mistakes
take control of my fate
and i will, someday smile
i am done with trying to decide
what's best for me
but never choosing right
the sunlight is angled so perfect
for this conflict
and i'm not reaching out
i'm reaching up
forgiving all i've gained
and forgetting all i've lost
this time the force is too much
if i don't let go, i'll erupt
can't say this is easy
but i know what i'm needing
the answer keeps screaming
echoing down these streets
i believe.
this is.
what's best.
for me.

My body aches for sympathy
and a trench to bury the bones i've been carrying
lined up so straight
but i lack that symmetry.
sometimes i wish this hardened breeze
would knock me off my careless feet
i would never get up, let the rain feed my pores
guilty conscious scratching at my closing doors
a severed cord,
i've set this up.
that is the only place i would rather be
away from the world, away from myself
less hands to hold, no cry for help
burning the cards from the hand i was dealt
this is what you helped create
a dreamless disaster
of porcelain and plaster
pouring upon your bathroom floor
i am your rhythm-less dancer
and i can't
move anymore.

this picture laid so gently across
the landscape i once called my home
pieced together
sticks and stones
crookedly sewn
none of it makes sense to me
anymore
nothing left to do but stare
half admiration, half *******
whatever's left i guess
i choose to ignore
i set fire to the destruction
reversing the effects
of everything that i've done.
and i smile.
there's beauty in this captivity
when the raindrops hit
the wooden frame
a midst the flames
this smoke, these clouds
keep my soul safe
and i smile.
the anchorage i feel
to this sinking ship
to these rotting trees
remains a secret
remains unchanged
it is here my mind
decides to wander
and i'll never tell
i will never share
i will never tear
apart my seams
and it may burn
and i may find it
hard to breathe
but i believe
that pain is the most
purest form of payment
and i am due
to pay my rent
so let it burn and let it scratch
and let it rise from this ***** ash
create a mess, destroy what's left
my eyes are full
as are my lungs
and i smile.
it is here, it is right here
and i have never
felt so alive, and so alone.

next time, it will be different
i won't sit and watch you fall apart
i promise i promise
i will treat you better than this
5 minutes
my insecurities dictate
my actions and i secretly love
the pain, i promote
i lie, and i lie
wrap my fingers tighter
around your throat
and i know you don't deserve
this mess i keep you trapped in
but i need you
and i can't help it
5 minutes
i can change, and i love you
but we both know
half of what i say is truth
i get lost in my own words
i'm selfish
i'm unpredictable
i'm everything you love
everything you hate
i know how to rip you apart
and put you back together
again

i want to smother you
shove that pretty face
down into the comforter
that one, that was meant
to keep us safe
and absorb all the air
you think you deserve
and take it back
keep it all for myself
a fraction of familiarity
can't add up when
the numbers are slipping
though my tired and sweaty palms
if given the chance,
would we admit we were wrong?
we both know the answers
we choose to ignore
truth is only liable when
you acknowledge the existence
it's an obvious carnage
and i'm starving
for a breath of fresh air
for a second of attention
these lights are too dim
mixing well with bad decisions

when the calm disrupts my atmosphere
blistering the thoughts over
i've been here before
i suppose that i survived
through darker skies.
transfixed in this fury
eyes always astray
was there a hand to grab?
the distance is too strong
i exhale the miles
along with every irregular heartbeat
my broken body can produce.
it's enough to say
that i've taken enough.
and i keep taking more
watching these words pour around me
emptying the glass bottles
all over my ***** floor.
does it even really matter?
the water continues to rise
and there is no tipping point
and it's always mostly empty
pessimistic persuasion
i can and i will
bring everything you stand for
down to my level
drowning in these puddles
i have permitted to accumulate
for far too long.
i never look in the mirror these days
for, i am afraid
of those gray eyes that stare back
i don;t recognize, don't understand
don't dare to disagree
i know it must be a joke
yet this room is void of any laughter
any light, any voices
i wonder but never ask
is there anything more to this
pointless existence?
there are never any answers
only opinions
i couldn't care less to absorb
i am a grain of sand
stuck between the cracks in the sidewalk
stuck in this place
with these thoughts
and these feelings
and i swear there is no way out of here.

solidified in this margin of trash
swimming and suffocating
to the best of my ability
the way you want it
the way it's supposed to be
there's an aching pride
in this affliction of mine
take my hand, i can show you
show you what i have become
have you finally
forgotten my name?
scratched into this wall
perhaps a little too shallow
motivated by irritation
but apparently too much
to cast a shadow
i'm done holding restraint
and fighting the image
of your face
so face me, stop hiding
behind your fraudulent confidence
i've tasted death
and it tastes like you.
a permanent bruise
branding my being
to the point of useless
i refuse to look at you.
i refuse to become
part of your massacre.
i swiftly stepped into your trap
once, with eyes so wide
convinced you held a light
i watched as you charred
my now empty life.
i stared. you smiled.
i've tasted lies
and they taste like you.

harboring buzzing inside this overcast
nest, there's a helpless admittance to this distress
obsess over fine lines and broken silhouettes
chipped away at my nails
until they were sharp enough
to defend myself
atop uneven shelves, my eyes close
strained swallows. escape with the length of these meadows.
panic has pulsed a new beat in my chest
a polluted first chapter, in the beginning of the end.
unlearned lessons in lengthier sessions
defeating all purpose I've stood for and time on this earth, it's
the foundation never built
just imagined in cheap plastic
eventually all that's left is collapse.
Eyes wide and blank with programming haze
only difference is a different day
ingest anything to escape, these lines traced
for us to follow. such a hollow structure
caved in to the point of where i stand.
alone, fragmented, cold
but standing. selfishly involved. stubborn.
outcomes of the aftermath have become
less of a concern.
and more of a contrast.
learning absolutely nothing
inner violence has trespassed
over all else. scratching out numbers
and names, all facts dissipate
rummaging pores on my skin
trying to locate the best vein to deflate
we can't hold on to what doesn't exist
pawns; we run circles, we destroy and we fix
we can talk and pretend
that virtue remains. optimism for a minute
I've outgrown this ignorant mindset.
regretful intellect igniting a shipwreck
hope is wrong.
sunlight is lost.

the sirens are screaming...emphatic, shooting waves in blades over my skin. The horizon sinks in. A little too left, and I left too late - my foot pressed so firm against these brakes - but I pause in place. The river is tumbling over my thoughts are so chaotic in the wet weather i can manage to pull it together. Times and places pushed into names and faces, i remember, i am forgetting, i am hoping for obliteration. My drink is heavy and so are these door handles i can't manage to turn. They say, lessons learned. My internal clock ticks slow and aimlessly and with every single thought, it pounds in my ears. tick, tick. Out of sync with my heartbeat. Confiscating my dis-beliefs with an echo shivering every inch of my skin. GROUND CONTROL, and rest your eyes. I have felt nothing more and nothing less than everything. I have reached into the darkness and held out my hand for satisfaction, for excitement. These voices don't seem to want to quit and i refuse to give a single ounce of my energy to a promise, a reason, that doesn't enhance my being. I'd apologize but i have never felt less apologetic. Those selfish fictions thrown into the toxic air don't settle anybody's soul. Advancing through every day with these cold chains wrapped around my wrists, i have found it difficult to reach that warm cloud of forgiveness. I can't complain, but i will tell you the truth....I am sick of this. Foundations built, crumbling as fast as this rain can fall upon my sober skin. Wishes, wants, cries, desires. There is an army conspiring and no amount of ignorance can buy us new blank pages, this is our destiny. What was made for us. Lines blurred between real-life and realizations, I would like a strong dose of free will and emancipation, please. CURE THIS, CURE US. This disease. It lingers on my breath. I keep up with the mint, but it always comes back. haunting. laughing. discriminating. I have found comfortable harbor in pain. What pulls us, pushes us, scares us, binds us together. The circle inside that we attempt to ignore is the very thing that saves us. We are one but we will never win. Drive every last drop of thought from my skull before driving that pointed edge in. Before the blur replaces the bored. Because we decided to give up on thought. We chose to ignore. Dead as the sun, and dead as the sea. The circle continues.

Sunshine does not inspire me. Broken lighting. Broken teeth. An empty shell used for armor and reflection counting the numbers on the circle shapes, ticking away, promising things we cannot comprehend. There's a lesson to be learned and we will inevitably learn nothing. Smooth and salty guidelines wrap my fingers around your jawline. i have seen bliss. I have seen suffering. I choose nothing. I rise above, tapping my fingernails on the closed doors. Begging for an outlet. Hoping for a way out. breathing in the noxious dust that has been settling for years. Attention to the tamed beast: this leash has unwound and all threads have been torn. Round the square and look to the west; a nest intended to be built. So high on filth -- our hands are numb. Flower petals scatter across this walkway, covering the bread crumbs along with any dreams you've left behind. WAS IT ALL IN YOUR MIND? Retract. Repel. I am shallow. Like these puddles i use to stare at my reflection. devouring lessons just to spit **** right back at these textbooks. I have the upper hand, where it can meet your lower jaw. an outstanding applause for such a dull audience. one shot, two shot for some common sense. I am ready to meet your leader! I am ready to stand apart! Breathe new electrons, ******* them into my lungs. They are greedy. The morning fog knows me better than any human being and the thunderstorm that lives inside of me won't stop humming. Along to the bass line. perfect rhythm, sentences separated. I feel the best when I feel nothing.  Taking time out, like middle of the second half....losing, always losing. Always stronger. Bruised waistlines and scraped knees. Your eyes remind me of the best of me. Falling forward into invisible arms that reach out from behind blue curtains. Raised fists and clenched arms - opposing needs of a dying youth. I knew the truth. I tore it apart, brain cell by brain cell. Less to forget. More to be sure. I have these broken wings that serve no purpose but to be adored and envied and misconstrued.

Rope, tied and bound and held too close
The light is barely shining through the cracks
But we dance, because
This is all we know
And we love it. We love the closing air.
The sweet smell of our sweat
When it’s fusing together
I’m lost in this dependency.
You’re eyelids shutter while you sleep
I’m focused like a student
I’ve been taking notes in consciousness
The words guide my fingers to drum along to your heartbeat
Shallow breathing completes our symphony
Where was I before? Did my substance exist?
I am prone to believe we were born for this
For us,
for this warmth.
For everything THIS stands for.
And to be lost is to also be found
In a state of intoxication
My lips buzzed with the taste of your nightmares
We share them. Our protection.
For and from ourselves.
We are running
We are distracting
We are the essence of a pipe dream.
Defined and incandescent;
Beauty with no sympathy.
Love with no absolution.
Life with nothing beyond meaning.

there is an instant
in between breaths
late at night, when
the air is most bitter
listless mind
awakened senses
i swear i can feel
your heart beat inside
my chest.

There was an edge.
Cold and determined
Ready to fight
Blurry eyes gaze the misted fields
Facing the morning with confidence
Resilience; Pumping through veins
Like steel pipes
Heavier, faster
Today will be different.
With a prolonged exhale
Of coffee and disappointment
The gravity tugs on the arm of her sweater.
The edge is screaming.
Birds are chirping
Not singing
And In a more sullen tone
Than yesterday/
Breeze ascending
Fragments of dirt
Scraping her bare skin
A reminder, a warning
Dismissed though acknowledged
Absorbing details
The past is humming
Pulsing her eardrums
All she wanted
Was a thunderstorm.

When the dust swept underneath
Begins to settle
Lightly on the surface of your cheeks
Kicked up and violent
Searching for destruction
I will preserve the innocence that remains
I will harbor that light in your eyes
When the panic shocks your nerves
Blood cells start trembling
Squeeze my hand tighter
Lean your body closer
Calmness lies in the eye of the storm
These ropes have not yet torn
So continue to tie knots
Take advantage and absorb what remains
Before there’s nothing left to soak in.
Before the sun hides his face
In the shameful comfort of the clouds.

splintering across barren skin
mirroring itself for every second
shock filled morsel
a plentiful arrangement
set aside, for my being to devour
a slow strung trance
of resonance
and renewal
cry along the sidewalks edge
the minutes feel much longer here
for once i feel alive in here
nothing to grip
no needing to care
surroundings soaked
conscious and disengaged
as the darkness carries
tightly a glimmer
in that instant i can remember, and
i wish it would rain for 30 nights
carry it's flow
through the month of September
lines start to blur
and colors they fade
but not away
just within
a beautiful wreckage
i can't stop staring
eyes fill with the same elixir
i am pinned with this persuasion
i never want to leave
this release from my fragmented mind
a drop, a scream
a dose of freedom
i wish it would rain all night
so i could sleep
and be awakened with the part of me
that years ago
drifted out to sea
i wish it would rain until
i was drowning in absolution
i wish it would rain
until
i
was
drowning.

Chaotic material twisting around brain cells
Body aching for a sense of vacancy.
Dimming the lights to brighten perception
Affections dismissed, craving nothing but darkness.
I see better with the blinds closed.
I feel better when there’s nothing left.
Undressed, suppressed, a shattering mess of dust
And debris
Collecting behind strained eyes
Making patterns that don’t make any sense.
Grab hold on to secure structures
Lightly
They crumble with the weight they collect.
Injecting affliction directly in my veins
Moderately conscious,
Moderately oblivious.
SCREAMING emphatically
For an ounce of rain.
Screaming to release this dirt
This disease
Crawling across this race we feed
It’s stale. We are deserted.
Incarcerated in our own complications
The freedom we seek is not
From above
The dove is also infected
I’m tempted to carve their shadows
Right out of the skyline.

an act of ambition,
am i even doing this for me
was it ever for my
own sake?
foundation shakes
the lines draw loose
uneven
i've been lost from day one
and this road
is fractured
my tires are manipulated
to believe
in their own strength
and push
and pull
and work
and sleep
the darker hours
relax me, remind me
where i belong
where i'm allowed to breathe
the shades don't rise
inside this frame
empty
becoming a fraction
of my being.
was that the world
outside my window?
it's been painted over
suppressing the view
i had grown to love
pretending this painting
is the most
beautiful
creation i've ever seen.

beneath the wind
and echoing
a tasteless kiss
a hopeless bet
will rise above
the wildfire
engulfed
so deep
embrace
the heat
a starless night
a fearless dive
into these
ashes
unsettled, untouched
were these rooms
so empty
with our bodies
inside?
holograms of life
forms of affliction
casting out north
just to feed
this addiction
a victim-less crime
a pointless story
we have no ending
no beginning
we are trapped
inside the images
frozen, bankrupt
that is where i
     stopped running
          once the leaves
                   stopped falling
shameless destruction
doubtless discovery
in the ruins
barred and naked
fueled by numbers
sailing
away
these halls
seem so bright
walking
away
i can't remember
godless creatures
flightless birds
that perch, just high
enough
to feel superior
between earth
and sky
still above
it all
homeless intelligence
lifeless homes
i wander and
wander
and wander
in circles
slow motion
alone
luckless clovers
faceless shadows
uncover, unwrap
feel the breeze
when
the
wind blows.