i hate myself so much right now.
i just long to be good enough for someone...
anyone..
good enough for me.


i do not know what to do anymore im to the poing of collapsing.



please help me up,
help me out.
just help me.




I dont want to bother you with my sorry life anymore
youve done so much already...

im sorry that im so messed up and so broken

so destroyed..

i cant fix myself how can i expect you to fix me.
do i even want to be fixed?

does this suffering end?

this is the way it has to be.
though im ever shaky and fatigued,
i do this in hopes of perfection.

but id rather feel weak,
id rather struggle,
than give up this control.

there is power in what i am doing,
there is strength with each meal i skip.
there is joy in hunger.

this time im not giving in.
i will continue to suffer,
because after all is not beauty pain..

or pain beauty?

im worn out,
tired, destroyed.

im waiting for
the struggle to end.

this is more than
I think I can bare.

im losing hope
that ill overcome this.

I know you hear
my prayers.

but im the
struggle.

im the
solution.

im broken
and need you.

im worn,
tired, destroyed.

Not a minute passes that you don't consume my mind.
Im in constant agony with the thoughts that should not be mine.

This is a battle that I have fought for many years.
I have surrendered, I have lost to the mirrors.

Many say I have nothing to fret over, nothing to worry about.
Their words mean nothing though, there is always doubt.

People don't know how much this tears me apart, how it leaves scars.
It's as if there is a demon keeping my confidence behind bars.

I fear so much because of the effect this has on me.
It's a lie I continue to believe.

The things I have done to ease the voices...
Worst of all they were all of my choices.

The road Ive been walking is one without a finish line.
Because how can you win when youre dying.

although its cliche,
i think people may gain something from my dismay.

if you really knew me,
you would know,
that i smile more times than not.
that i laugh at everything.

if you really knew me
you would know,
that i dont show emotion i keep it to myself.

if you really knew me
you would know
that i have anxiety
i am in constant worry of something.

if you really knew me
you would know
that i have been depressed
and cried alone.

if you really knew me
you would know
that i hated how i look.

if you really knew me
you would know
i always feel like a failure.

if you really knew me
you would know
that i thought about ending it.

but...

if you really knew me
you would know
that today i am saved by the grace of God.


if you really knew me.
you could see that im a different person
than i used to be.

so dont lose hope.
this isnt the end.
the lights at the end of the tunnel
you just have to get back to it again.


you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
a fact not opinion.
you are beautiful
Gods creation.

its nights like these when i wonder with all my being,
if i will ever be able to rid my mind, my heart of you.

though most days i get through as easily as before,
but just like before i slip back into your unknown grip.

i dont want you anymore.

i try so hard to believe that you are better with her.
if it were ever possible to live a lie completely id choose that.

people say they understand how i feel but in reality
no one knows how i feel.

i dont want to want you anymore.

i refuse to continue this lifestyle.
loving someone that is loving someone else.

its okay though...
i understand...

I understand that you want to protect me,
that you don't want me to get hurt.

its time to face whats already in front of you,
I'm older than you pretend I am.

You control my every movement,
like I'm you're marionette.

Though the strings have been cut,
you continue to pull on me.

Do you realize at some point,
I will be in control?