Kelly

Kelly Feb 2022

hazel.

i've consistently felt painless
   since three days of darkness
clawing ambition from my aching chest
                to mend a void
chiseled by carelessness
                                            and neglect

and at times i've felt angry
for the frivolous misuse
                  of my heart
a muscle weak from abuse
   and never strong enough to love
                                                                  just right

but words from the lips on a crisp metal string
          played in my ears and i couldn't stop the tears
carving into my cheeks
                     and crashing the highs

because west coast, they lie

                                  they're not hazel eyes.

Kelly Feb 2022

entropy.

are you talking to your friends?
seeking comfort somewhere closer?
and these thoughts i stick and cycle
over and over and over
and i feel so ****** helpless
like i'm nowhere near a lover
but i want to be supportive
so these thoughts, i lie and cover
and your pain is in my chest
your tears are in my covers
and my bed feels like a prison
cold sweating with a fever
i hate the distance with a passion
and i want to be there for you
but i know within the space there's love

and i'm doing all that i can do

hindsight, but it was excruciating.

Kelly Feb 2022

misery.

i was asked if i find comfort in my misery
             as if sadness is a part of me

and for the first time in a while, i cracked a smile --
            and light shone through the gaps between my teeth
spilling truth onto polished wood
  and knowing i was understood

the matte felt blackness around my heart
  the cold abhorrence
        padlocked behind a push-pull door
that always falsely blocks exertion
                                 despite direction

crumbling walls with little force
                  just push a bit, and you'll get more

than you asked for.

Kelly Jan 2022

bones.

even my responsibilities feel a bit purposeless
an extra buck
                                         for what?
to stack on the numbers in my account
          for some sort of muffled safety
a tactic pressed from another time
                                            that doesn't matter to me anymore

i just want to lift my skull from the temples and
            remove the vessel
                                             tortuous and fruitful
   in constant bloom
                   spreading grotesque petals into every avenue
           of this festering cortex

i want to lift my spine from my shoulders
           and fill the space with every ache
                                                 for change

so none of me remains.

Kelly Jan 2022

go.

I think I need to spend time with a higher power
        but crashing waves and mountain ranges
don’t sit nearby
                       to remind me
that things much bigger than I am
      pull the tides
                             and carve the rock face
and threaten every safe space

I’ve been spending so much time
      crawling between caverns
               and doubtful sounds
to avoid the rain          or keep my shoes clean
               and my mind sane

but cover never shoved growth
                         down your throat
the way that rain soaks your clothes
       and shows all you’ve yet to know

- so go.

Kelly Jan 2022

steroids.

cold sweats in the winter
     are a different breed of agony
i shiver in my heat
         and damp sheets
staring up at the ceiling fan
        begging its blades to drip down the wall
     and surround me
confined to the safe isolation of my room

no more bodies warm my sheets
i'm tired of cycling through empty feelings
           pulling love with my teeth

i'm tired
                                   i'm tired
                 i'm tired

there must be more than this uncertainty

am i moving or not

Kelly Jan 2022

waiting.

stagnant-
some cinematic period of waiting
like i haven't been weighing
the value of my continued breathing
seething in uncertainty
and stationary helplessness