I've always lived inside a shell,
But i want to be free and
fly,
I've always felt like i'm nobody's,
but all i wanted to be
was everybodys',
I wasnt hungry for fame,
but deprived of love.
I still am.
I always thought i could
never be loved,
but i always badly
needed it,
I’ve always asked for
Recognition,
Because I’m never
Appreciated,
I’ve always called myself a loon,
Because I think,
I think too much dirt.
I don’t think im pretty,
‘cause from near,
When my demons are visible,
I see myself
My ugliness
Reflects,
Comes back at me.
More hatred.

When guys say , “ oh you’re so pretty,
You can get any guy you want!”
I shatter,because I think
They pretend and lie and repeat.
I don’t always get what I
Crave for,
Nor do I manage the relationships.
Or maybe they don’t see the real,
‘ugly’, ‘crazy’,’silly’,
Me.

I don’t see any bright light,
Darkness blurs my vision,
As if morning
Is still asleep,
Causing me more
Blindness.
But all I wanto see is
A ray of hope,shining at me.
For once,
I want to be called actually pretty,
Hot,cool,amazing,
From someone who’ll mean it and
From the one
I’d be able to believe.

But I am not sure
The pseudonym I choose
To live with,
Would let me
Accept what I am wishing for.
…….
That’s my issue,
I’m locked in this personality-cage.
I need rescue.
Save me from rage
Wake up.
Smile..
Fill another page

Unseasonal* harvest priced too high
Just the right time to tell her a lie
Not one in the market not even a seed
What she wanted I thought for her own need!

But plump and large they were on show
Their vigor luring me calling me their glow
Fresh from the soil glistening green and cute
Jeered me mockingly the unseasonal fruit!

What anguish breeds the unseasonal fruit
Its pompous arrogance uncivilly brute
You dream of its savor yearn for a slice
Wish could bargain its unreachable price!

It argues with you it’s only the poor’s reason
They don’t taste as good as they do in the season
The excuse for not having them when the price is high
Reason enough to move away in failure’s depressed sigh!

It’s not the right time of year in the market is not even a seed
Come season you would have them plentier than your need
I told her to see the radiance come back onto her face
As she found not in my carry bag her requisitioned fruit’s trace!

It’s not for me I want them the birds they love the seed
Oh dear after so many years my need you couldn’t read
Sorry dear* I hold her and as the clouds leave her face

See there the fruit and seed of her love **seasonless!

My father taught me five:
He taught me
1. That it is okay to be late to dinner or not show up at all as long as you have a good reason.
taught me
2. That everyone makes mistakes and either you live with them or you runaway from them leaving only a voicemail and a forwarding address.
taught me
3. That you'll never have to be disappointed by others if your the disappointment and if you leave before the introductions.
taught me
4. That names are fickle, and there is never any point of telling someone yours if you have no plans to remember theirs.
taught me
5. That you have to give a little to get a little but that sometimes you give a little and get a lot of something you don't want.

My mother taught me five:
She taught me
5. That somedays you'll wake up and want to die because life is hard and no one will be on your side if you're against yourself.
taught me
4.  That it is hard to forgive and forget and it is even harder when you're 19 and all you're left with is a swelling abdomen, a voicemail and a forwarding address.
taught me
3. That good deeds don't make the person, that sacrifices make the person, that waking up alone at 4am to a crying baby makes the person.
taught me
2. That it's healthy to cry, but it's not healthy to cry yourself to sleep at night and cry yourself into productivity in the morning.
taught me
1. That it is okay to be late to dinner or not show up at all as long as you have a good reason.

They don't see it in any different way
it's for the like of them another day
another day to sun in the chill
another day without a square meal.

Then when comes the unfriendly night
the cold bares fangs hounds for a bite
a roofed mirage underneath warmth born
to live it out till comes another morn.

If you break your run in reflective pause
and feel inside a stir to act a Santa Claus
weigh yourself high in the scale of spirit
enlarge your hands so they hold enough gift.

Enough may not seem for the kind of your ilk
but enough for them a crumb a saucer of milk
look into their eyes the night is no more cool
you have warmed it made their hearts thankful.

World’s most attentive listeners they are
Never ever speak out only vacantly stare
What you confide in them they quietly accept
Hide in their chambers all your secrets.

When got none to listen your pains and anguishes
Your heart breaks in silence shatter into pieces
Tears of your woes fall like pearl drops unseen
They’re the ones that see but hold them all within.

Sometimes you leave on them streaming river’s stain
They bear it for some time till passes by the rain
Refrains of your soloist heart all your soliloquy
They hear but never divulge friends are they truly.

They are made only to listen never to speak out
Safely share with them your worries your doubts
Within them would ever be hidden all your mystery
Till their ruins are found as relics of history!

I longed one kind look from you emlan
when you passed by me
now I wish to sit in silence
with you by the sea.

A stolen glance was all I did
when passed your fragrance
too little of you was all my need
I knew to keep distance.

If our paths meet ever again
if ever can dead love rise
I would not let you pass by
but look deep in your eyes.

There must still survive the ****** land
longing rivers dried in sands
unspoken words woefully shy
chance lost with time gone by.

If we now come across emlan in the faraway land
I would not shy away to reach and touch your hand
walk this time on the quested path not letting go the chance
of finding you in the wholeness and not as a passing fragrance.