I'm getting angry at you again.
I put everything away
I though
Out of sight, out of mind
But you have not failed
To stay in my head
EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY
SINGLE DAY.

You,
             once my  e
                              v
                               e
                                r
                                 y
                                   t
                                    h
                                       i
                                          n
                                            g,

                          are fading, my darling.

I've learned to hate the smell of chlorine
And how my brother is a year and a half older
Then my sister and they are not related.
I've learned to hate a small abundance of things
That I never saw before.
I like how I truly hate pools even though
I grew up swimming. It seems a little too much
Like what they wanted for me
Which was always pretentious and scary
To me.
You've forgotten me, I think.
Like she forgot my birthday one year
And lost that court case,
Again.
That's the way you have forgotten me.
I'll forgive you for it
Regretfully, but I know
You were thinking of more important things
Than the girl who believes you are the
Love of her life.
I guess I always knew
You'd have to come running back because
I am such a hurricane
And I introduced you to my own brand of
Destruction (I guess you could call it)
And you're addicted.
I hate that you corrected yourself
When you called me a type of poison.
I'm venomous. And you knew that, Anna.
I hate how I constantly have to bring you up
So you don't run back here one day and think
That my thoughts have not been
Tormented by the very thought of
You every second of everyday since you left
I can't bear to have you think anything but the truth.
I hate a lot of things.
You and I are both included in this list.
The only dynamic difference is that
I'm also in love with you and I,
Especially together,
Despite my tendency to hate stupid ideas.

You look so beautiful to-night
My angel
Your lips curve and I'm mesmerized
By the way they seem to make my
Name seem important
Even when I've fallen for the way
"I love you" slips off of my tongue
At first glance
I like judging books by their covers
Because, ****, you have your life
Written in your features
And I haven't seen that in someone
Recently and when the abnormal
Mind sees that in a normal person,
They become attached.
You must know Gatsby
And by God you noticed the reference
Will you marry me now?
I would throw out my precautions
For a girl who could
Recognize a quote
From Gatsby and ****, a
Girl who looks just like you.
You're extravagant and
I can't keep my eyes off of your
Everything
Will you be my Daisy?
Will you cuss like a lady when you
Have me at your lips
Because I can't keep referencing
That ******* book
When I'm out of options.
I just had to say you are very
Lovely to-night
And I miss you
But pictures will have to do, my angel.
Be my Daisy?

Big deals
They come
One time only
And she made them
Like she made cookies
From scratch on New Years
Eve for me and her father who
Took them out of the oven before
They were done and I watched
Her smile falter when he
Entered her bedroom
But I tried to make
It reappear when
It was just us
Again.

That was the way she made big deals.

Of course
There is a story behind why I have
This tendency not to trust
Brown eyed people
If you could ever call it a story
Because it's just this idea
*That every single person who
has ever killed me has had these
******* bright eyes that are green
or blue or this strange silver color
that captures my attention
and you should know by now
that I am attracted to destruction.

You used to be my favorite love metaphor.
The way your tears were never rain,
                                          just another note
     in the song you called your life.
The way your eyes were never emeralds or diamonds,
                                just another word you couldn't write
                           without it finding your soul.
The way your hands were not carved from gold,
                 just boulders that you kept trying to place
                            on my waist
                                    in hopes they wouldn't hurt me.
The way you smiled was never really fake,
                         just something you knew you
                  had to keep so that everyone else could
    smile with you one day.
The way your hair was not really messy,
                      just another thing to deal with
               in the morning before you came to see me.
The way you were never my heroine,
                       just the small thing
                that still crosses my mind every day
      maybe every hour.
The way you told me that I was someone beautiful,
                when in reality I'm just a professional
                      mirror holder upper.
You used to be my perfect love metaphor.
                                      You were the only one I could conjure up.
                  Nowadays
                        
    You seem like my perfect metaphor to match my level of destruction.

I fell in love with a hurricane
Jessie Rowe, you asked me for metaphors
To explain the love of my life
And here you go.
My Anna was, is, always will be, my hurricane.
She entered with flashing red
Warning lights
And she blinded me.
Did you hear that?
She ******* blinded me.
I still can't see around the red
And when I told her that she blinded me
She had no clue.
She asked me what I meant.
As if I could explain.
I told her of my love of rain
And she was a down pour on me.
I felt her touch my skin
Like I did that day I cried
When he left and I couldn't help
But stand and watch him leave.
She soaked me in whatever
She was
And then gave me nothing to dry with.
I was alright with that.
It was only a slight thunderstorm
And part of me was wishing for more.

I shouldn't have tried to get closer.

No one warned me that she was a hurricane.
They just let me *****
Blindly I might add
Into the storm as they ran
Past me in the opposite direction.
How was I to know?
All I saw was her
And all I felt was her
So why should I have left with them?

Maybe I should have.

She told me that I was deeper
Into her than anyone
Had ever wanted to be before
And she told me that she didn't
Understand why.
I couldn't come up with an answer.
She was rain and lightning and wind
And I was in love at the first flash
Of thunder as it
Came over me and into my bones,
Breaking apart the constellations
Between them.
I fell in love with the way
She couldn't stand being
Destruction and strong
And with the way she cloaked me
In everything she was.
I fell in love with a ******* hurricane.
With the rain
And the wind
and the way she kissed
And the way she fell in love with me as well.
I fell in love with a girl
Who was my devil and my angel
In the same moment.

The eye of storm was supposed to clear
And beautiful in a different
Way than she already was.
And I yearned to see it.
But ****, she wouldn't let me.
She thrashed against all of my forces
And struck me with lightning made
Of her lies and then
She was gone.
My hurricane disappeared.

People always talk about
Rebuilding a city
That has been struck by too many
Girls and boys who tend to be
Associated with tropical storms.
I watched as they rebuilt
From my Anna
And the storm she was.
Many people cried.
Many people ignored her leaving
And they went about their lives.
Me?
I miss the rain.
And the wind that was her.
I miss my hurricane.

But the damage she caused me
Has me bleeding out too quickly
So I might not be around
When another hurricane arises.

you see, there is this girl, you see
she isn't like a girl in a painting of new york city
where her face is blurred in because
the painter didn't know who she really was
and her hands aren't shaking every time
she puts metal up to her lips
out of fear of rejection
you see this girl
with so much passion and lust
but never love
and you wonder where you have seen her before
because you just know that you have
she is just too familiar to you

and you just have to wonder
why exactly
her green eyes show you
this other girl who you know you've
seen somewhere before
and she just happens to be you
and all you are seeing in this
girl is you and
all you are seeing in this moment
is you and
all you are ever seeing is
you and
all you'll ever know is you
and
you are the reason her eyes
only show reflections.

There are these
Old poems
Dedicated to
This one boy
Who
For about a week
Made my heart
Stop with
Nervousness

Not the kind that
Makes you want to
Dive in head first.
No.
It was more of a
Shaking feeling
That I didn't
Understand to be love.
But I guess it was
At least back then
Before the
Silence
Followed me there too.

He had a charming way
About him
That made all
Of the girls fall in
Something like
Love.

It was nice to
Know a man like him.

I remember his eyes
When he told me
He loved me
And there was nothing
I could do to
Change that.
And his embrace.
The memory is empty
To me now.
But I know
What his arms
Felt like around me
That one time it
Felt
Right.

I kept screaming
And I couldn't stop.
Something is wrong with me.
I burnt my hand
And screamed at the top of my lungs.
I took four breaths
And just kept screaming.
I haven't felt release
Like that in my lifetime.
And I recall
Trying to choke it back.
I tried to stop screaming.
And when the screaming stopped.
And the sobbing began.
All I could say was
I'm sorry.

Something is wrong with me.
I'm demented.

I have this tendency
To, when asked
How I am,
Say something along
The lines of
I'm fine.
Daniel
Or Meghan
Or Anna
Or Hayden Grace
Or Will
Or my mother
Or my father
Or anyone
Did something.
Said something.
Felt something...
I never answer the question.

I've made myself
Not matter
Inside my own skin.

I didn't realize
How easily the
Words
Stupid
Idiot
Worthless
*****
Fat
******
Nothing
Gross
C­ame out of
My mouth
Especially
After treating myself
Better

I've been doing so well
But I have this urge
That someone
******* someone
Implanted in me
That makes me wish to
Turn my new white bed frame
Blood red

One of our friends:
She once told me that our love was a tragic love story.
We are the broken ones, she said,
Who just happened to stumble upon one another.
We are a tragic love story.
And I'm just hoping
We get our eventual happily ever after,
Even if the author doesn't give it to us
And we have to conjure up
Our own ending.

Oh
Yeah
mmmmmmmmmmmm

You know you love me, I know you care
Just make whale sounds whenever, and I'll be there
You are my significant other, you are my heart
And we will never ever ever be apart

If I was your wife, I'd never let you make out in the Ann Frank House
Keep you on my arm, you'd never be alone
I can be your Thigh, anything you want
If I was your wife, I'd never let you make out in the Ann Frank House, I'd never let you make out in the Ann Frank House

Girlie, girlie, girlie mmmmmmmmmmmm
Like baby, baby, baby nooo
Like girlie, girlie, girlie mmmmmmmmmmmm
I thought you'd always be mine (mine)

When I met you girlie my Hamstring went whale noise
Now them Iguanas in my Neck won't stop stop
And even though it's a struggle love is all we got
So we gonna keep keep fluffing to the mountain top

There's gonna be one more Hamstring going whale noise
One more Hamstring going whale noise
One more Hamstring going whale noise

Your Spine, my biggest weakness
Shouldn't have let you know
I'm always gonna do what they say (hey)
If you need me
I'll come groping
From a thousand miles away
When you grow beards at McDonalds I grow beards at McDonalds (oh whoa)
You fly big red dragons, I fly big red dragons
Hey

Na na na, na na na, na na mmmmmmmmmmmm
Yeah significant other
Na na na, na na na, na na na mmmmmmmmmmmm
If I was your wife
Na na na, na na na, na na na mmmmmmmmmmmm
Na na na, na na na, na na na mmmmmmmmmmmm
If I was your wife

My friends say I'm a fool to think
That you're the one for me
I guess I'm just a skanky fool for my girlie

Uhh ohhh

Lately I found myself criticizing (criticizing )
Been dreaming about you a lot (a lot)
And up in my head I'm your significant other (significant other)
But that's one thing you've already got.

You're insecure,
Don't know what for,
You're turning heads when you attack trees with baseball bats,
Don't need make-up,
To cover up,
Being the way that you are is enough.

Girlie, you light up my world like nobody else,
The way that you watch law and order and be paranoid gets me overwhelmed,
But when you sing old Disney Channel theme songs in my shower it ain't hard to tell,
You don't know,
Oh, oh,
You don't know you're insecure,
If only you saw what I can see,
You'd understand why I want you so desperately,
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe,
You don't know,
Oh, oh,
You don't know you're insecure,
Oh, oh,
That's what makes you insecure.

I've tried playing it cool,
But when I'm looking at you,
I can't ever be grotesque ,
'Cause you make my heart gulp.

One way or another I'm gonna sing old Disney Channel theme songs in my shower,
I'm gonna get you, get you, get you, get you.
One way or another I'm gonna attack trees with baseball bats,
I'm gonna get you, get you, get you, get you.

It feels like I'm constantly criticizing ,
'Cause I can't compete with your significant other,
She's got forty two peacocks .

Oh girlie, girlie!
Oh Meghan, Meghan!
I must confess,
I still believe (still believe),
That I can crash to the ground!
Give me a sign,
To give me the clap Meghan one more time!

Oh girlie, girlie!
Oh Rebecca, Rebecca!
I'm addicted to you.
Don't you know that you're flamboyant!
And I love what you do.
Don't you know that you're flamboyant!

Oh girlie, girlie!
Oh Daniel, Daniel!
I think I did it again,
I made you believe that I can fly,
Oh Daniel!
To pet a cat like that is just so typically me.
Oh girlie, girlie!

****!.. I did it again!
I tried to pet a kitty cat!

Oh girlie, girlie!
Oh Anna, Anna!
I think I made you believe that I can touch the sky.
****!.. You think that I can touch the sky.

Oh girlie, girlie!
I'm not that cynical !
You see my problem is this,
band people,
Wishing I had a rainbow mouth .

Oh girlie, girlie!
Oh Meghan, Meghan!
Oh Rebecca, Rebecca!
Oh Daniel, Daniel!
Oh Anna, Anna!
I must confess,
I still believe (still believe),
That I can crash to the ground!
Give me a sign,
To give me the clap Meghan one more time!

This one's for you Miss Gray!

My love for you is like the most Gorgeous celery,
Your face reminds me of Adorable birds,
Together, we are like Chicken and ketchup.

Oh darling Anna,
My Gorgeous celery,
My Adorable carrot,
The perfect companion to my Chicken soul.

Hearts are red,
Diamonds are blue,
I like writing,
But not as much as I love loving with you!

Oh darling Anna,
Your hands are like Undescribable papers on a winter day,
You're like the most Mine doctor to ever walk Boston.

Your Adorable face,
Your ketchup soul,
Your Undescribable hands,
Your Mine doctor being...

How could I look at another when our Gorgeous celery love is so strong?

I love you Miss Gray!

There are just too many poems
and thoughts
and longings
and conversations
and breaths
and heart beats
and whispers
and lonely nights
and breaking moments
and wonderful laughs
devoted to you

Life is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel.

She always spoke
Of working herself
Sick in the gym
And I'm starting
To understand why
She wanted to feel
This way.

I found home
in purple sheets
with her sleepy eyes
that lit with something
that apparently
I put inside of her
when the lights went out

home was breathing to me
in and out
like some kind of
involuntary action
but my house
was not a home
even before it
burned
or before I think
he ***** me

something there had
never been quite right
and I noticed it most
when I was at home
in those purple
sheets and her
messing hair
and her illuminating eyes

oh and I noticed
the feeling of
home sickness
when they took her away
and I still haven't
found a way
to be truly close to her
without seeing her
but I'll find a way
to go back home
soon enough

I'm not nostalgic
for a place that doesn't exist.
I'm nostalgic for
a girl who
let me roll around
in her bed
as our legs intertwined
and we laughed
until we couldn't
help but kiss.
I'm nostalgic for
a home that I
couldn't legally call mine
but I say is anyhow.
I want to go home.
and there is nothing wrong with that.

I cannot see why you hate it so much: what I'm apart of.
All I see is the good.
Your vision is tainted with bad, but I'm not sure why.
It's not even just about this.
You always have to be right.
But no.
What I am doing is WHO I AM.
This is what I do.
And I'm tired of defending myself and
What I am apart of
Because you have no right to put it down.
You put it down, you put me down.
All I saw tonight was good.
Yes, there is bad everywhere.
But the difference between me,
The one who is recovering,
And you,
The one who keeps relapsing
For little things that could mean nothing,
Is that I TRY to see that good.
I don't look at the bad.
I see the girls who smiled tonight,
And that one boy who tried to help
Me at volleyball, where I am weak.
I don't see the anarchy that
Someone told you was there.
All I saw was love.
And I belonged there.
So no more putting it down,
At least not to me.
You will not make me unhappy
Like you tend to be.

Maybe I should move on with my life.
I just spent 2 and a half hours
With people who I truly do love.
And I really did feel at home.
I only feel that way with certain people.
And the people I tend to surround
Myself with do not seem to
Bring that feeling of belonging to me.
So maybe this is a good thing.
No, I know it is.
It is a wonderful thing.
Instead of dwelling on the hate
And the pain and the past
I can focus on these people
That make me feel like I belong
In a way that is not just listening
To everyone else's problems.
And I think it's time
That everyone I've been taking care of,
Learn how to fend for themselves.

I want to punch in a wall.
Because I'm alone.
And being alone is how this all started.
I can't afford to relapse.
But I've lost everyone.
Because I lost her.
And everyone thought it'd be okay to mess with me.
People think it's a good idea to make their move when I am vulnerable.
But no.
You made your move and I locked you out.
Who said it was a good idea to prey on a heartbroken girl?
No.
Someone explain that to me.
Is it because I got so sad that I started texting a girl from England?
Does that justify it?
I hate that girl.
She makes me sick, Emily does.
So exactly who thought it would be okay to rip me to pieces?
And why did everyone decide to join in on the game?
I don't understand.
Two of you have seen me break down over my heartbreak.
But you did it anyway.
I don't want another apology.
I HATE pretending that I don't care.
Because I am human.
I hate having my heart torn out as much as the next girl.
Maybe more.

Let me ******* explain something to you!
Stop with your sorrys because they don't mean anything!
And you all know they never have!
Let me explain that
Yeah
She was your
Sister
Best friend
Section member
Ex- lover
Band kid
Student
Friend
Team member
Classmate
But ******
She was my girlfriend.
She was the person I loved.
Who I still do love.
So
*******
STOP

Acting like I have no reason
To be upset
That she is gone.

When did what I feel stop mattering.
It isn't a question if it cannot be answered.
Or if no one cares enough to.

Let me just say
That sometimes
The words I
Have to say
Are best put
In the words
That other people
Have written
As songs.
And I am
Not ashamed
To say that
I could not
Word my thoughts
Any better.

I can feel the slow throbbing of my heartbeat
When I press my thumb to my accidental wound
That stopped me from inflicting pain upon my skin
It is steady, without a missing thump
A loyal metronome that reminds me
Of how powerless I am after all of this
I remember the first morning I noticed
The slowness of my heart
I was at the kitchen table the morning
After I was informed of them taking her away
I couldn't breathe and my hand clutched
At my chest, beating it to bring normality back
But it wouldn't bring back the extra beat
Everyone knows heartbeats are not
Completely consistant in keeping time
But I would like to believe she made me
Steady, rhythmic, mechanic, robotic
When they took her away
"Hey, why do you always look so sad?"
I gave the answer my brain spit out
I remember thinking it was a bad thing to say
But it came out despite all judgement
"Because I'm going crazy right now."
It wasn't a lie and it still isn't
My heartbeat is still slow and lethargic
As it pumps through my veins like iron
So, yes, I'm a little bit crazy
But that's okay, given the circumstance
Crazy beats dead, which I'm not
Even with my dying heartbeat
Out of my control.

Reasons I'm giving myself to hate you:
You came here.
You let us let you near us.
You got attached to destruction
(Let's admit that's what I am)
And we got attached to something
We knew we couldn't keep around.
I hate you because I'm left in the ashes
Of the mess we made
By fighting fire with fire.
And I'm not stable enough
To keep my friends from dying
Like I used to try to be.
So what am I supposed to do when
I can barely keep my own heart steady
Much less hers. And his. And theirs.
With you, I was finally on common
Ground with someone.
Now I'm left being the strong one
When everyone forgets that
I was the one you kissed
And touched and loved
In a way other than sisterhood.
But no.
I'm not allowed to feel it.
Everyone else needs me to bandage
The wounds your leaving left on them.
I guess two weeks was enough
Time to get over you, in theory.
I'm finished crying over you
At least over this.
Because I'm too strong.
But my friends seem to forget
That I no longer have an outlet

And I'm bound to snap one day.

I'm not giving up.
I promise.
I am still yours.
I'm just a little bit lost.
Don't hate me, girlie.
I love you.
I really do.
I'm just lost.
One day you will read this.
And you will hate me for what I'm doing.
But what do you expect?
I'm shutting down.
I'm breaking.
The term from the inside out makes sense.
My heart shattered.
Now my entire life is.
You made me happy.
I'm just trying to substitute it.
ANNA YOU CANNOT JUDGE ME FOR THIS.
ASHLEY AND AMBER.
ASHLEY AND AMBER.
WE WERE STILL TOGETHER THEN.
YOU ARE GONE NOW.
SO WHY SHOULD I FEEL SO BAD ABOUT THIS?
ABOUT DOING NOTHING?

because you are betraying the girl you love

And let the tears fall.

I find it funny that you do not know my name.
You know me as my demon, Leigh.
The one who calls you up when she can't feel.
But maybe you do that to me too.
You have no voice in my head
Because you aren't worth hers.
Anna's voice is reserved for the finer memories.
I can't really talk about Anna
Much anymore because of what I've done.
You seem like a sweet girl, little Emily.
But, you see, I'm in love
And you are just a form of ***
While she is under their watch.
You are my way of ignoring the fact
That my girlie.
My Anna.
Is gone for now.
So I'll keep on talking to you until
I get to see her again.
And we'll use each other until then.
I'm okay with that.
Are you?

No, we will not.
She's a class act liar
With a pair of lips attached.
I've not let myself be angry with her.
Her eyes always seemed so kind.
I watched her cry over her father on the bathroom floor.
She told me she was attracted to me
Because I didn't push her to tell me
About herself.
So she lied.
She put us in this mess.
It was never about my cutting
Though I'm stopping that anyway.
It was always the lies.
The lies that we're not needed.
But they sat there and boiled under her skin.
I learned not to trust her stories.
I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter.
But lies do.
Lies have me crying most nights
And bring her picture and my necklace to my lips.
Lies have destroyed us all.

I'm in this state of limbo.
And no one can pull me out.
I've got a decision to make.
There shouldn't be any doubt.
It should be easy like left or right.
Should I just move on?
Or are we worth the fight?
It doesn't feel like it's up to me.
Not when neither side is there.
I feel no pushing or pulling.
I can't help but wonder why.
The music I'm facing is sweet.
But I still can't get by.
You're gone now, girlie.
And I'm left in limbo.

People keep asking me
Jessica, why did you cut your hair?
My immidiate response is
I just needed a change and 11 inches
Seemed like a wise one to go about.
Some look at me sideways
Others accept it and move on
A few whisper about my ****** orientation
Behind my back even when I know
That they are right.
Their whispers do not matter
And they never will to me.
But I just keep lying.

I cut my hair because I am sad.
Those 11 inches were lost because
I couldn't let myself lose my life.
It is so short because she has never
Seen it brown or short and I need
To pretend I never knew her.
That is how I'm dealing with her
Not being around anymore.
I cut my hair because I kept feeling
Her hands in it from that Monday.
I cut my hair because I can't let people
Call me Jess when she isn't around.
I cut my hair so not one would recognize me.
So she won't recognize me next time.
And she will make the decision
To leave me when she finds what
Happened when I cut my hair
To get rid of her fingers
Only to replace them with foreign limbs.
I cut my hair for a change, yes.
But that change did not come.
Not the one I was looking for.

My hair is short because I am sad.
And I still can't bear to lose my life.
But I need another impulse
To keep my heart beating at a normal pace.
Too slow if I'm sad.
Too fast if I'm panicked.
Short hair was my middle ground.
My plan didn't work.

You once told me that I was more
Sunrise than sunset
And I'm starting to see where you
Were coming from

I saw a sunset for the first time since
They took you away
And I saw purples and oranges
Clinging to the clouds

I've seen many sunsets these past
Few weeks without you
They had a tendency to be your
Forte, not mine

Sunsets are red with fire and dying
Days and loves
Sunrises were always bright and
Glorious but alas

Most sunrises I've seen recently have
Been too ******
Maybe it is because I'm without you
Or not so much

I miss my beautiful sunrises
My short hair corrisponds with
Your sunsets
So for now they will do.

I seem
To have forgotten
why
That girl is
Struggling to
Get away from
Her own body
Of a
Cigarette.
It seems thin
Enough to me

I don't care
How many pale
Patches of sunlight
Had groped their way
Through that curtain.
It would still leave
Blood red stains
Of some kind of light
On his newly cleaned
Carpet.

I wish I had kept that jacket when I had the chance back in January.

I want destruction
Everyone tells me that poetry is a form of such
But my therapist tells me it's great for my health
I don't want healthy.
I want bony ankles and legs and
A concave stomach
Filled with pills
That is also covered in my own form
Of detriment.
I want ****** and death that is also beautiful.
So maybe I do want poetry.
But I want it written in my eyes
So everyone can see what happens
Inside of my head.

i threw them against walls
out of a fit of anger at someone
i dont think it was you
but your bracelet hit the wall first
then my christmas present
i almost broke the new necklace's chain
because im not giving up on you
but they keep telling me im bad for you
because i know i am
despite what you say
i know i hurt you so much
and i just want to stop that
but i dont know how without
hurting myself in the process

It's become
Routine
To walk alone
Down the freshman
Hallway on b-days
And to have
An empty seat
Where you should
Be during band.
I wonder if she
Makes note
Of your empty
Seat in her class.
I know your
Friends are still
Angry,
But they don't
Show it to me
As much anymore.
I'm still the one
They blame.
It's become
Routine
To wake up
Every morning
And swing the
Pendant of my
Necklace around
To the front and
To pull the chain
Until it is in
Its place.
Because we are
Playing this
Out right for once
And I can't help
But be sad
At the idea
That when I fix
This chain
You stop thinking
Of me.

That was the first time I have been able to really breathe in weeks.