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This morning,
I woke up feeling bitter
about life
and it was
a bad chemistry,
so, later,
since my mind
is pointed
toward love,
it changed
and the chemistry got
a little better,
but this morning
I decided
that the best chemistry
is the chemistry of indifference,
but not the kind
of indifference that rejects,
like you usually know about,
but the kind of indifference
that accepts,
like "It is what it is
and that's what it is",
so this chemistry
was the best I could muster,
so, I'm sitting here now,
listening to the birds
and feeling a bit indifferent
to life in general
but in a good way,
like OK,
so this is the way it is,
so ok.
When I was a kid,
my brother and I
used to make fun
of Christian healers,
because we thought
they were fakes,
but when I grew up,
I developed serious mental illness
that psychiatry
couldn't seem
to cure,
so I turned
to religion
because I thought
it was my only hope,
but in mental illness,
sometimes
religion is more
of a problem
than a solution,
so after studying Zen
for forty years,
I'm still on the same medication
and seeing a psychiatrist
for the same old disease
that I was born with,
and that was after
a hellish time
spent with religion,
so when some people
brought the Dalai Lama
a young child
with a broken leg
and pleaded with him
to heal the child,
he said,
"Take this child
to the hospital."
I recently
got into
a little kundalini yoga
and joined
the Zen group
on Facebook,
and it was like
being plugged into
an electric socket.
I didn't sing
the body electric,
I freaked out.
Panic, anxiety,
and mania ensued.
This ****
can be dangerous.
I saw my doctor
and he gave me
more medicine.
Now, I'm fine.
Whew.
I have studied
my head
for my whole life,
and I've read
a little psychology
and a lot of religion
and my head
has been studied
by doctors,
so thoughts
interest me
and it seems
like there
is this voice
in there
who is something
that I could call me
and these other
voices
who I could call
voices
or thoughts
or whatever,
but, you know,
it dawned on me
that all it is
is the action
of electromagnetic biochemistry
in my head,
and I think
oh...
so that's what
I've gotten
so crazy about
for all these years.
I smoke,
so cancer
is probably likely,
so since it is
and I still want to smoke,
I had to learn
how to stop worrying
about it,
so I remember
that as a little kid
my parents took me
to a movie
called, "Dr. Strangelove - Or
How I Learned
To Stop Worrying
And Love The Bomb"
and it was about
nuclear holocaust,
so since I was afraid
of that happening,
the movie
cheered me up,
because at the end
there are these beautiful images
of mushroom clouds everywhere
as a woman is singing,
"We'll meet again,
don't know where,
don't know when"
and so
in the same way
I have learned
how to stop worrying
about cancer,
and in the old days
people didn't worry
because they didn't know
about cancer,
and they lived their lives
and died at about eighty,
but now
people worry
for their whole lives
and fight cancer
if it has been found
and struggle
and die when they're
about eighty.
When I was in the start
of my mental illness problem,
I exhibited physical movements
which bothered me,
because I thought they
were crazy,
but now, some forty years later,
I realized
that what I was doing
was mental illness yoga,
which was the body's way
of trying to cure me,
and the first yogic movement
that I did
was rocking back and forth
as I was sitting,
so now
I have tried it
by synchronizing
my breathing
and my internal music
along with it,
and it becomes
very healing,
so my mentally ill mother
used to tap
her fingers
on her legs
one at a time,
so I have tried that
and synchronized it,
and a friend
used to pull down
on his sideburns
in a kind of stroking manner,
so that's a good one,
and another friend
stroked his legs
back and forth
just above the knees,
and that one is excellent,
so I move my legs
in opposite directions, fast,
back and forth,
and that one works well,
so I roll my head around
in circles,
and that actually is
a yogic practice
called head rolls,
and I move my head
back and forth, sideways,
like Stevie Wonder,
and that works great,
so I would suggest
that if you have
any kind of eccentric movements
like these,
to develop them
and turn them into yoga,
because it just might be
the answer
to many problems.
"Dreams can come true,
it can happen to you..."
so, yeah,
like that dream
I just had
where I was
diagnosed
with cancer,
or that dream
I just had
where there were
some sort of
flesh eating fish
stuck between my toes,
or that dream
I just had
where there were
bugs attacking me,
or that dream
about the end of the world
with me on some
nuclear submarine,
or even
my lame daydreams
about fame and success,
all these can come true,
but let's hope not.
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