i used to think no boy would ever
"touch me"
because i smoked when i was 13 and
i never showed much skin and
i was afraid he'd play hide and seek with my birthmarks
and he'd throw me away when he found the ugly ones.
i used to be afraid that no boy would ever
"love me"
because i stammer when i speak and
i didn't know what kind of gifts he might like so
i never bothered trying.
but then, i realized they are just boys and
they will find themselves tangled up in your heartstrings
regardless.
and they will hate themselves for feeling certain things about you, but
it's not their because they're boys.
once when i was 14 i kissed a boy in a field with hesitance on my lips
and regret fell from my tongue
when he pulled away, for
it was nothing i had anticipated.
in the spring i kissed a boy who was two years older than me
on a trampoline. he told me
about high school parties and said
"truth or dare doesn't work in highschool".
but then in high school, i kissed a boy with burnt lips from the sun
and he said he loved me but
that never explained the other girls i always saw him
driving around in his car with.
in winter i kissed a boy with bony fingers and a king sized bed,
he introduced me to science.
i kissed an old soul in the dead of summer the next year
his laugh was an avalanche, his smile was a trip to Spain when you needed it most, his touch felt
like being brought back to life.
he made me weep.
in November i laid down with a boy after two weeks and proclaimed my eternal love for him.
talking to this one was like looking in the mirror and watching someone rip my guts out.
he loved me for my plate tectonic emotions.
but in december i met some punk and he stole me away with him to new york.
i finally felt nothing.